by Hale Deborah
Bennett wondered which he would have chosen in Gawain’s place. In a sense, he had been given a similar choice. Before that fateful night at Almack’s, Caroline had been a charming hostess, elegant dance partner and glamorous trinket on his arm. Many men had envied him such a wife. But in the privacy of their home, she’d been nothing to him.
Since coming to the island, she had transformed into a woman of sense, sympathy and sweetness who had captured his heart. But if he took Caroline back to London now, all the men who’d once flirted with her and the women who’d sought to copy her style would shun her as if she were a hideous monstrosity. He might be content with that, but how could he expect her to endure it?
‘Which one did Sir Gawain choose, Mama?’ Wyn’s question recalled Bennett from his musing.
‘I’m glad you asked.’ Caroline sounded a bit startled, as if she too had been lost in thought. ‘It was not easy for Sir Gawain to decide. He considered how each of those choices would affect him. Then his heart was moved with pity for what the Loathly Lady had suffered. He said he would let the decision be hers.’
Bennett wasn’t certain whether he pitied the knight’s folly in surrendering control of the situation, or respected his courage.
‘No sooner had Sir Gawain spoken those words,’ Caroline continued, ‘than there was a flash of sparking light and the Loathly Lady transformed into the most beautiful maiden he had ever beheld. She told him that by permitting her to choose her own fate he had freed her from the spell entirely. Now she would be beautiful all the time. Wasn’t that lovely?’
Wyn nodded. ‘Did Sir Gawain and the Lady live happily ever after?’
‘Why, of course,’ his mother assured him.
Bennett wished the problems of real life could be as easily solved as those in stories.
‘Did they have any children?’ Wyn asked.
Caroline smiled at the question. ‘Yes indeed. Three strong, brave sons and three lovely, clever daughters.’
‘What were their names?’
Bennett recognised his son’s ploy to prolong the story and delay going to sleep. ‘Your mama can tell you all that tomorrow. Now you need to get your rest for treasure hunting.’
Caroline did not seem offended by his interference. Leaning forwards, she dusted soft kisses over the child’s forehead. ‘Those are to sweeten your dreams. Goodnight, dearest!’
A few weeks ago, Bennett would have doubted the sincerity of such a gesture. Now he knew better than to question Caroline’s love for their son. He only wished he had not denied himself the opportunity to experience the full bounty of her affection.
Wyn flung his small arms around her neck. ‘Goodnight, Mama!’
Mother and son exchanged a fond embrace, then the child raised his arms to Bennett. ‘Goodnight, Papa!’
‘Goodnight, son.’ He pulled Wyn tight to his chest, grateful to Caroline for making him realise what he’d been missing. ‘Sleep well.’
Once they left Wyn’s room, an awkward silence fell between them. Caroline seemed in a hurry to reach the stairs. Bennett wondered if she was afraid he might pull her into his bedchamber and ravish her again. Or was it her own physical desires she did not trust? Did she fear he might mistake that passion for a sign of deeper feelings she no longer had for him?
‘Would you…care to take…a walk?’ he asked, unsettled to find himself as tongue-tied as a schoolboy. ‘There are…matters we must settle tonight. I would rather not risk Wyn overhearing us.’
‘No. I mean…it would be better if he did not.’ She sounded every bit as skittish as he felt. ‘Of course I will walk with you. Just let me fetch my wrap and bonnet.’
By the time Bennett donned his hat, she had returned, ready for their stroll.
They could not have picked a finer evening for it, Bennett reflected as he offered her his arm and they set off southwards, past the Old Blockhouse. With midsummer only a few weeks away, it was still quite light out. A soft breeze carried the perfume of flowers and the warm, wholesome scent of drying hay. A month from now the air would reek of burning seaweed, but by then they would be long gone. At least he and Wyn would be for certain. As for Caroline, her future was what they must settle.
‘I shall be sorry to leave this island,’ he ventured. ‘The past few weeks have been the pleasantest I’ve spent since I used to come here as a boy.’
Caroline gave a slow nod. The brim of her bonnet concealed her expression from Bennett’s curious glance. It did not help that she’d turned slightly away from him, as if captivated by the sight of the wide eastern horizon where the sky was gradually changing to a deeper, darker shade of blue.
‘I have enjoyed our time here, too.’ She spoke in a quiet, wistful tone. ‘Mrs Hicks was right in claiming these islands are a good place to heal. I feel as if I have recovered from a sickness I’ve had all my life without ever knowing it.’
Had the folly of loving a man like him been one of the symptoms of her ailment? Bennett could not bring himself to ask.
‘It isn’t only the scenery I’ve enjoyed.’ Bennett hoped he was not making this effort in vain. ‘Or the healthful climate.’
He inhaled a deep breath of air sweetened with the smell of new life blossoming. ‘It has been the opportunity to experience a happy family life. I now realise it is something I’ve longed for all my life.’
‘It has been very pleasant.’ Caroline stooped to pluck a wild rose from a thicket that clung to an old stone wall.
When she tucked her hand back into the crook of his elbow, Bennett reached over to cover it with his other hand. ‘I wish we never had to leave. But I have received a letter from my friend Marlow summoning me back to London. He says there is to be an important vote soon and I am needed.’
‘Then you must go, of course.’ Caroline lifted the wildflower to her nose. ‘How soon will you and Wyn be leaving?’
Was that a catch he heard in her voice? And if so, was it only caused by the prospect of her son’s departure?
Bennett cleared his throat, which had suddenly developed a troublesome lump. ‘I have given the matter a great deal of thought. For a great many reasons, I would like you to come back to London with Wyn and me.’
His words jolted Caroline from her earlier quiet pensiveness. Turning abruptly towards him, she sucked in a deep breath of air to fuel her rebuttal.
‘Please.’ He raised his hand to bid her hold her tongue. ‘Let me have my say, then you are welcome to have yours. I know I have not been the kind of husband you wanted and needed. I let the experiences of my past blind me to your feelings and stifle my own. I have unjustly accused you of adultery, packed you off to this remote spot and threatened to take your child away. Though I am sorrier than you can ever know for all those things, I neither deserve nor expect your forgiveness.’
‘Do you not?’ Caroline cried, no longer able to restrain herself. ‘Then surely I cannot hope for your pardon after the way I humiliated you in public and wreaked such terrible damage on your career and your cause.’
Put like that, it did sound impossible that they could hope to repair their poor wreck of a marriage. Yet that was what Bennett knew he wanted, more than he’d ever wanted anything.
Return to London? Go on with their marriage? Keep her child? A few weeks ago, Caroline would have given anything to gain what Bennett now offered. But lately she had learned some hard lessons about the ultimate meaning and measure of love.
It was not a matter of treats and indulgence. The substance of love involved putting the needs and desires of those she cared for ahead of her own. As enjoyable as the past few weeks had been, Caroline knew once her husband and son returned to London they would be better off without her.
She sensed Bennett knew it, too. It was clear from his pensive silence as he pondered her question about whether he could forgive the way she’d humiliated him and damaged his standing among the Abolitionists. He had only made this generous offer out of a sense of honour and possibly guilt for never having loved her. Tha
t was a perilously weak foundation on which to build a future together.
‘I thought we agreed to put all that business behind us and not look back,’ Bennett replied at last in a rather gruff tone.
Did it make him angry to be reminded of what she’d done? Then how would he respond when he was forced to deal with the actual damaging consequences of her actions?
‘It was one thing to forget the past while we’ve been on this island, away from anything that might remind us.’ Caroline stared toward the dusky horizon. Out of sight lurked the mainland, like a powerful predator waiting to pounce if they dared venture back into its territory. ‘In London everything will remind us of all our old grievances. All the same pressures and temptations will be waiting to draw us back into old habits. Before we knew it, we would be as miserable as ever. I don’t want that. Do you?’
She chided herself for the yearning tone of her final question. It sounded as if she were pleading with him to contradict her. Or perhaps to provide her with a good enough excuse to do what the selfish side of her so desperately wanted.
In truth, there was only one reason that might persuade her to risk attempting a permanent reconciliation. But that was a reason Bennett could never give her.
‘No. I wouldn’t want that.’ He heaved a deep sigh. ‘I only wish…that is…we’ve been so happy these past few weeks.’
‘You know that was only playacting for Wyn’s benefit. We cannot maintain such a charade for the rest of our lives!’ Caroline spoke more sharply than she’d intended to. She had to remind herself of the harsh truth so she would not fall back into her old pattern of believing Bennett felt more for her than he was capable of feeling.
‘I know.’
She sensed the intensity of his gaze upon her, willing her to turn and look into his eyes. But she did not dare for fear of what she might see there and the vulnerability her eyes might betray.
‘I cannot deny it began as playacting,’ he continued, ‘but…’
Bennett’s hesitation made her turn towards him. ‘But what?’
Now it was his turn to avoid her searching gaze. ‘Never mind.’
‘What were you going to say?’ Caroline insisted.
‘It doesn’t matter.’ He inhaled a deep breath of cool sea air. ‘I think we should head back to the house before it gets any darker.’
What had she expected or hoped he might say? She tried to ignore a sharp little stab of disappointment. ‘I suppose we ought to.’
She’d secretly hoped Bennett might tell her he loved her, Caroline admitted to herself as they began walking back the way they’d come. But that was never going to happen.
Bennett hadn’t loved her when they were first married. How could he possibly have those kinds of feelings for her now, after all that had gone wrong in their marriage? She wasn’t certain he could love anyone other than their son. From everything he’d grudgingly confessed about his past, she knew his heart was like a wounded limb, part amputated perhaps, that could not be expected to function as a sound one. If he was ever to have the opportunity to love a woman, he would need to start fresh, without all the mistakes and hurts they had accumulated over the years.
That was the other important reason why she did not dare return to London with Bennett and Wyn. She feared these powerful new feelings for her husband, knowing he could not return them. Because they were so much stronger and deeper than anything she’d felt for him before, Caroline knew she could not be content to live as his wife, craving what he could not give her. She would end up even more discontented than she’d been before.
‘I know it would not be easy for you,’ Bennett mused, ‘to go back to London and face down all the gossip.’
Did he think that was what prevented her from returning to Sterling House with him and Wyn? All the wagging tongues in the Westminster would not have daunted her if she believed there was a chance Bennett could care for her as she did for him.
‘No worse than for you,’ she countered, ‘to alienate all your followers in the Abolition Movement by refusing to divorce the wife who discredited you.’
Bennett gave a wry shrug. ‘I suspect Mr Wilberforce would be gratified to see us reconcile. He is such a devoted family man himself. Besides, a whisper of scandal might be just what the movement needs to enliven it again. Too many people have grown complacent since the slave trade was outlawed. They forget that still leaves millions in bondage and more born into slavery with every passing year.’
The warmth with which he spoke of his cause made Caroline more conscious than ever of what her heedless behaviour might cost so many other people. Bennett had once accused her of never looking past the tip of her nose and he’d been right. Was it possible, in the years to come, that she might find a way to make productive use of her time to aid the Abolition cause in some way? The notion beckoned her with a soothing whisper of purpose and atonement.
‘What matters most to me,’ Bennett continued, ‘is the welfare of our son. No matter how we try to explain it to him, I fear Wyn may still believe he is somehow to blame for the break up of our family. That was what I thought when I discovered my mother had left my father. It is only lately I have come to realise I was not the cause of my parents’ failed marriage, but its victim. Looking back, I regret I made you its victim, too. I cannot bear to make Wyn pay the price for our mistakes. For his sake, can you not give our marriage another chance?’
Until very recently, Caroline would not have believed her cool, enigmatic husband capable of making such a heartfelt plea. Now his words seemed to reach into her chest and rend her heart in two.
She pulled away from Bennett, not trusting herself to be near him. If he tried to sway her with a kiss, she feared all her good intentions would be no match for the passionate yearning he would kindle within her. ‘Do you think I want to give up my place in Wyn’s life so soon after finally forming a true bond with him? It is because I love him that I cannot bear to see him tainted by my scandal. It is because I love him that I now understand he will be better off with you and Mrs McGregor.’
‘Tainted by scandal?’ Bennett shook his head. ‘I do not believe that. Gossip may spread like wildfire for a time, but it soon consumes the fuel and moves on to new territory. My parents’ separation was one of the most sordid scandals of its day, yet you had never heard so much as a whisper of it. By the time any of this would matter to Wyn, it will be long forgotten, I assure you.’
Her maternal instincts begged Caroline to give in. She might not have the kind of marriage she and Bennett had playacted for the past few weeks, but at least she would have the chance to be a real mother to her son.
Bennett must have sensed her resolve weakening for he redoubled his efforts. ‘I know you love our son, Caro. Your actions these past weeks speak louder than any words. You have worked so hard to be a more attentive mother and help me become a more affectionate father. Besides, Wyn thinks the world of you. Even with the progress I have made, the boy still needs his mother. I cannot understand why you are so reluctant suddenly. I thought this was what you would want.’
‘I did.’ Caroline’s footsteps picked up speed as if she were being pursued by some powerful, hungry predator.
Bennett lengthened his stride to keep pace with her.
‘What changed?’ He sounded deeply and sincerely perplexed.
What had changed? Very little for him, clearly, or he would not have been obliged to ask. For her so much had changed that she scarcely knew where to begin, even if she dare tell him.
How could she explain, after all that had happened, knowing he could not care for her, that she had let him into her heart again—this time dangerously deep? He was willing to brave the scandal and take her back for Wyn’s sake. If he discovered she still cared for him, might he try to pretend he returned her feelings? How long would he be able to keep up that charade?
Was it selfish of her to resist risking her heart for her son’s sake? For once in her life she wanted to do the right thing for Wyn and Be
nnett. But he was making it hard for her to be certain which choice would be best for them.
‘I fear not enough has changed!’ She felt as if she were fighting for her life. ‘We made a dreadful mess of our marriage the first time. Wyn will be the one to pay the heaviest price if we fail again. Now please do not tempt me to change my mind or I fear I will not have the strength to do what I must!’
Seeing the lights of the house a short way off, Caroline broke into a frantic run and did not stop until the door of her bedchamber swung shut behind her.
There was no use chasing after her. Bennett reluctantly accepted that fact as he watched the shadowy figure of his wife dash for the sanctuary of the house.
He could follow her and try to argue his case further. But that would only risk Wyn overhearing them, something Bennett did not want to happen again. Besides, it was evident Caroline had made up her mind. She was prepared to accept a divorce and give up her child rather than remain in a marriage she could no longer tolerate.
Turning away from the house where he’d been so happy, he headed for the lonely shore of Gimble Porth, summoned by the endless lament of the sea.
He treasured his memory of the day he and Caroline and Wyn had spent there, searching for seashells and building their stone cairn. He recalled pointing out the ancient stone buildings and field enclosures, lost long ago beneath the waves. As he paced the bluff overlooking the deserted beach, Bennett thought about his wife and son.
Was his marriage altogether lost, like those drowned farms? If so, he had no one to blame but himself. Caroline had made it clear he’d destroyed whatever tender feelings she once held for him. Though he wished she would give him the opportunity to make things right between them, he could hardly blame her for being afraid he would only hurt her again.
She might be right about one thing, he conceded to the restless questioning of the surf. Once back in London, the call of duty might draw him away from her and make it difficult to give her the attention she needed. He hoped he could keep that from happening with his son. He would need to work hard to fill the void left by Caroline’s departure after she and Wyn had grown so close.