“Throughout the semester you will need to rely on your fellow classmates. So in the last few minutes we have left, I want you to pick a partner.” Before he could get his full sentence out, people were touching hands and shuffling off to sit next to their partner. I wasn’t prepared for this. I knew no one at this school. “This person will be your study buddy for the rest of the semester.” This was the part I hated about undergrad, picking partners. I thought that it would be over in law school but P1’s went through the same thing as high school freshmen.
As people scrambled around the auditorium picking partners, I realized that I didn’t move fast enough. Maybe it was the huge Tort Law book that was holding me down but by the time I got up and looked around everyone was partnered up.
“Who doesn’t have a partner?” I dreaded things like this. Putting my hand up, I looked around the sea of people.
“Ms. Morris.” the professor pointed to me. “There is one person here in the front.” I grabbed my things, the huge bag stuffed with books and my arms also filled with a huge text and a notebook. I prayed that it wasn’t buff bagwell that sat in the front row and handed me my book, but as I made my way back down the steps, sure enough it was.
“Me again.” I smiled at him trying to be nice. If I was going to be stuck with this asshole I might as well make the most of it.
“Yeah...no one wants to be stuck with the class disturber.” He smiled but I wasn’t sure whether to be offended or laugh. He laughed but I stuck with keeping a straight face.
“Hey I’m Brian.” He put out his hand for me to shake, a big hand leading up to even bigger python arms. “We meet again.”
“Alicia.” We shook hands as I settled in next to him.
“Okay now that you have your partner, take their number, email, address, blood type, social security number,” the room laughed. “Either way, know that this person is your life line. Form study groups and know as a 1L that this is going to be the most difficult year of your law life.”
I was stuck on his words, and then I looked at the PowerPoint projected in the front of the room outlining ten chapters that we needed to read and some articles he wanted our opinions on.
I felt it. The attack was coming.
Breathe Deep Alicia...Deep breath.
“You aren’t some kind of slacker are you?” Brian interrupted my breathing technique.
“What...slacker?”
“Yeah...before I give you my number I just want to make sure you aren’t going to be mooching off of me for notes or some shit.” Did I look like a slacker? Did I have moocher or lazy bitch stamped on my forehead? Or maybe it was because I was black?
“Look...I’m not some…” I was going to pass out or throw up. I could feel it. Swaying a bit, I fought back, trying to do what my therapist told me. Breathe...in through your nose...out through your nose. “I didn’t get here by slacking and I won’t be depending on you for anything...trust me.” He had some damn nerve.
“Good…” He wrote down his number and other information but I was concentrating more on not embarrassing myself yet again in front of these people. My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing, sure signs of my panic attacks.
I sipped water and pretended to be looking in a book to calm myself as he slid a piece of paper onto my book.
“Don’t call me too late...my girl might get jealous.” I looked up at him to check if he was serious. He winked at me but I rolled my eyes.
“Trust me, I probably will never use this number.” I stood up as I saw people filing out of the classroom.
“Remember to check the online class portal. There will be extra reading material uploaded there periodically throughout the semester” the professor shouted as people filed out. I needed to leave, get home, and calm down before I passed out completely.
Standing up, I shoved my books in my bag.
“Don’t you have something for me.”
“What?” He was still there asking for things instead of leaving with everyone else.
“Your number, email, social security number, like the professor said.” His sarcasm was lost on me.
“Ummm…” I snatched a piece of paper from my notebook and scribbled down my number and email. “Don’t call it unless you are serious about studying.” I shoved the paper in his hand, feeling flush like I needed air.
Not waiting for him to reply, I grabbed my bag and took the stairs up the lecture hall two at a time. Past the door, I breathed deeply, walking out into the night’s air. Even though we were downtown, there weren’t many people out. The downtown St. Louis landscape was pretty scarce after business hours during the week.
For once I was glad not to be around people and for the darkness, No one could see me sweating and breathing hard if there was darkness.
I crossed the street towards my loft trying to remember what my therapist taught me.
Focus on something to take your mind off whatever is scaring you. I chose to look towards the parking meters; counting each one I passed on my walk home.
One…two…three… I breathed deep with each one I saw, my heart slowing with each one I counted. What she told me to do was working. I moved out of the way for a man walking down the sidewalk, except he didn’t walk past, he moved with me.
“Excuse me.” I smiled a little trying to be nice as we played this waltz. I moved to another side but he did it again and before I could part my lips to say a word he had some things of his own to say.
“Give up your cell phone.” Covered in black clothes from head to toe, a white guy stuck something at me through his coat pocket. My mind told me it was a gun and my heart told me I was about to die.
“My cell phone…” I lifted my hands in the air, trying to figure out what to do. I couldn’t think straight but all the stories and people tell you to do as you’re told. But I didn’t even know where my phone was at the moment. Was it in my bag, my jacket, my back pocket?
“Yeah...your cell phone and all your money too bitch. You move and I’ll kill you.”
“Hey...what the fuck are you doing?” I heard the voice roaring from behind me, the ground slightly shaking as I felt wind past by me. By the time I blinked, punches slapped the guy in black across the face.
I backed away, trying to scream but my cries were caught in my throat. It was the guy from class, the big brute and he was throwing punches like a prized fighter, hitting the man in the face so hard that I felt it.
“You gonna rob a woman? Huh?” He punched the guy until he submitted, then spun him on his stomach and pulled his hands behind his back.
“Call 911” he screamed to me and somehow I broke from my trance, grabbing my cell phone and dialing with unsteady hands.
“911 What’s your emergency.”
“Hello...I’ve just been robbed...someone tried to rob me and he saved me.” My words didn’t make sense but I was looking at something out of a dream. My white asshole classmate had his knee in the robber’s back pinning him to the ground. He saved my life. The asshole from class saved my life.
3
Black
I couldn’t stop shaking.
Brian was there with me as we talked to the officers but I was too busy looking at the man in the back of the police car. The guy that did it, he was still there, his head down probably lucky to be alive after Brian got done with him.
“I was just walking home and I saw him coming my way.” I thought about it all, how it didn’t seem like a big deal for a guy wearing a hoodie to be out walking but instead of walking past me he tried to rob me. “I moved over to the right to pass him but he moved to the right and stood in front of me.” I tried recounting it all, remembering every little feature of the asshole that tried to rob me but it was dark and there wasn’t much to remember about a man wearing all black but the officer scribbled on a notepad, asking questions.
“Where were you coming from?” I almost didn’t understand the question. Why was that relevant?
“From class… we let out late.
” The officer nodded making notes.
“And he was the only one, just this guy.”
“I saw another Caucasian, around six foot but he ran as I approached” Brian chimed in. I almost forgot he was there but I was so thankful that he was running, trying to get me my book or I would have been hurt or maybe worse.
“Well that’s a first.” The cop said, giggling and elbowing his partner. Two tubs of lard that looked like they both were a donut away from a massive stroke.
“What do you mean...the robbery or the fact that he was white?” He looked at me, a smile on his face but I couldn’t figure out the joke.
“Just that he’s...you see we usually have robberies by…” He stopped laughing when he saw I was finding no amusement in this. Looking back and forth from me to Brian and then to his partner. “Oh never mind.” he pulled out a business card and handed it to me.
“Well, we got one of them and we will put out warning about this other guy. But thankfully he didn’t take anything so there isn’t much we can do.”
“Story of your life I’m sure.” Snatching the business card I stared him down. This city was filled with racist assholes and it seemed like they all worked for the police department. That was one of the reasons I wanted to be a lawyer, to fight the system from the inside.
“Thanks for your help officer.” Brian shook the guy's hand, which I rolled my eyes at. They lurched back to their car, putting on sirens and leaving with the robber in their backseat. They didn’t even offer us a ride, just off into the night not giving a damn but Brian didn’t seem too shaken up about it. He was calm as a cucumber the whole time. Even while he was beating the guy’s ass, he seemed to be so in control.
“Well study buddy, we gotta stop meeting like this.” I tried smiling, if it wasn’t for him I would probably be laying in the bushes.
“Thanks for everything. I really can’t begin to tell you how thankful I am.” In the shadow of the moonlight, he looked better and he filled out his jacket nicely; things that I didn’t notice inside the lecture hall or maybe I was just too embarrassed to care that he was gorgeous. At the time, I just didn’t want to pass out.
“Oh it's nothing...can’t have you dying on me. I need you to help me study.” He laughed but I didn’t find anything funny. “Sorry...I have a sarcastic sense of humor.”
“I noticed.” I had to be nicer to people. I was often called a bitch for my seriousness but my type A personality was more of a recessive gene than something I had an option in acquiring. It was also my defense mechanism. If I was mean, people were less likely to laugh or make fun of me or at least that's what I told myself growing up.
“Wow...you're shaking.” He captured my hand in his, holding it to try to ease my shaking.
“I need to get home.” This only made me more nervous; him and me in the middle of the sidewalk, holding hands with our eyes locked on each other.
“There is a little coffee shop up here. Why don’t we go in and get you calmed down.” He said it so calmly as if he didn’t just beat the shit out of a guy.
“Sure...that’s cool.” My back pocket was buzzing from Joe still trying to get some. I knew he just missed me and wanted to come over but I was done; no more revolving doors. Instead I was walking with Brian, his tall muscular frame towering over me as we walked down the street.
“Glad you forgot that damn book at class,” he said maneuvering his computer bag over his shoulder. “I would have been pissed if my study partner got hurt on the first day.”
“Oh yeah...why so you can’t get the chapter notes?”
“Of course...chapter notes are life.” he said it with a snap and I laughed for the first time since the run in.
“There ya go. I knew I could make you laugh somehow,” he said as we made it to the coffee shop. He was the perfect gentleman, pulling the door open and letting me inside. “Now let’s see if I can get some more laughs out of you.” I walked in and I don’t know why but something more than laughs crossed my mind. What if I gave you more than a smile Mr. McGwire? I thought it but I didn’t dare say it as I stepped into the shop. A white boy and me had never happened. But there was a first time for everything.
* * *
I knew we were in the coffee shop for hours but the time went by so quickly, it felt like minutes.
We were having the times of our lives, books open with highlighters going wild, and Brian making jokes although the staff didn’t seem that happy. Finally, when the baristas started mopping near our table, we got the hint that we needed to leave.
“Well Mr. McGwire, if you type out your notes and send them to me, and vice versa, then I think we will be covered for the last class.” I said as we spilled out into the night.
“Nope, you first. You aren’t gonna steal my notes.” I laughed, playing off our now running joke that the robber really wanted my notes and not my phone. Things were funnier now but a few hours ago I didn’t even understand his sarcasm. Now, as we stood on the street, I was actually enjoying his morbid humor.
“Well, it's getting late. I have a lecture in the morning.” I told him as I looked at my watch.
“Where do you live?” His voice was different. All the sarcasm from earlier was gone. He was smoother now, sounding more concerned.
“Up the street, in that brown building.” I pointed a few blocks up the street from where we stood.
“A loft?” he asked and I nodded pulling my hand away, slowly brushing past his arm.
It seemed like we had invaded each other’s space a lot tonight. A touch here or there and maybe it was nothing but it seemed like he kept putting his hands on me in some kind of way. I didn’t feel violated, in fact, it turned me on but I wasn’t sure if he was friendly or really into me.
“Oh...that isn’t far. Let me walk you home. My car is all the way in the garage on the other side of the school anyway.”
“No...I can’t have you doing that. I’ll just walk down the main street instead of on this side street. I should have known better anyway.” If I hadn’t been trying to race home I would have thought clearer but hindsight is 20/20.
“NO” his voice was thick with emotion that stopped me in my tracks. “You aren’t from here are you?” I shook my head. The whole time we were in the coffee shop we talked about a billion things but we didn’t get personal; more so about school, St. Louis and the changing times, and silly things like reality stars and our favorite songs. But now I felt like Brian was watching out for me, maybe he was just being nice.
“You don’t need to be out here walking at night. It's no problem...let me walk you home.” I couldn’t say no. He made it clear that he felt that he must walk with me. Staring into his arctic blue eyes, I felt a calm come over me.
“Okay…” I put one foot in front of the other headed towards my loft. We were quiet but my body was screaming as the thought crossed my mind again. What if… I had never been with a white guy. The closest I came was kissing Adam Breenman in the coat closet of my Elementary school on a dare. But now I was an adult, in a new city, and there was no one here to tell on me or judge me. My Dad wouldn’t approve, my friend’s back home would probably disown me, but who had to know? Stop it! I tried pushing the thoughts from my mind as we walked under the moon to my apartment. But the closer we got to my door, I realized how cool it was to talk to someone so likeminded. When I talked about law terms, he knew what I meant and, of course, he was in the struggles of first law student life so he could relate. It was a connection I hadn’t had with anyone since I got to this city and I didn’t want it to end. With nothing but the sounds of cars and a bit of chatter from people still walking the streets, my mind was filled with thoughts, but the one that stood out above them all was my desire not to be alone. At least for a little while longer I wanted to take advantage of the male company. Approaching my door, I had an out of body experience.
I felt like I was hovering over top of my self, watching it all unfold with no way to stop things. I was at the front door to my buildin
g, home free with my keys in hand. I could have just left things alone and said good night but my confidence had resurfaced somehow while we were walking.
I had no control over it and for some reason as we stood at the door, I asked the dumbest question ever.
“Do you wanna come up and have a drink?” Stupid. I wanted to take back the invitation as soon as I extended it. I watched Brian’s face, stalking his expressions until he gave me an answer.
“Sure, I need a drink after all of that.” I smiled but inside I was freaking out. Whatever part of me that was responsible for my panic attacks was somehow calm but the rest of me was scrambling for things to say as we walked across the lobby to the elevators.
“So how long have you lived here.” Brian quizzed as we waited for the elevator.
“A few months. I moved in at the beginning of the summer.”
“From where?”
“Georgia.”
“Ahh… the peach state. So a peach in Missouri?” he laughed as the elevator dinged and its doors opened for us. An older couple came out, glaring at Brian and then back to me but I was used to stares in this building. I was probably one of a hand full of black people that lived in it and no matter what time of day or night they gave me looks. I tried not to think racially but I couldn’t help it, I had my Dad to blame for that.
“Yeah I guess so. A peach in Missouri.” I pressed the number 7 button and the elevator whisked us away upstairs.
“So what do you do?” I asked.
“Well I work for the government. What about you?”
“This is it. My Dad said if I got into law school he would make sure I could go.”
“Cool…” he remarked as we walked down the hall to my door. Unlocking the door, I prayed that I didn’t have any panties lying around and hopefully I didn’t leave any dishes in the sink.
But there was no way for me to hold him in the hallway while I checked. That would be rude, so I crossed my fingers, unlocking the door and walking in with Brian behind me.
Black and Blue: BWWM Romance Page 2