“Saco!” they yelled in unison, and stood to greet me.
“You both look ancient,” I said as we all sat down.
“Fuck you, man,” Hudson snorted and signaled the waitress.
I shrugged and flipped open the menu. “I’m just saying. And are you getting fat, Hudson?”
Hudson grinned and ran a hand over his stomach. The guy practically lived in a gym—he couldn’t get fat if he tried. “Aw, don’t get jealous now.”
“How’ve you been?” Steele asked as he hit my arm with his menu.
“Good. Work, avoid Olivia, watch as she spends all my money. What else is new?” I shrugged.
Steele eyed me curiously before nodding. The three of us had all been close, but he’d been my roommate, and the one I’d called the day Tate died. To be honest, I think he was always waiting for me to go off the deep end. I almost laughed. If he wanted to see someone going off the deep end from Tate’s death, he should have come to my house for one of Liv’s fits.
“What about the two of you?” I asked after we ordered food and beers. “What’s going on with the families?”
“Well, this fucker can’t figure out how to put on a condom apparently,” Steele said with a laugh.
Looking to my left, I watched as Hudson fought a grin as he stared at the table. “Seriously? Again?”
“Yep! Number four’s on the way.” He looked up, and his smile was wide before a familiar, haunted look crossed his face—and suddenly all emotion left him.
Fuck. Not yet. I just sat down. Kicking Steele’s foot under the table, I nodded my head at him. “What about you and Reagan?”
“Uh . . .” He cleared his throat and looked away for a second. “We’re great. No more kids, we’re good with two. Studio and business are doing great, I’ve been slammed with photo shoots and weddings now that spring and summer are here. Reagan’s amazing, but I won’t go into that since I don’t feel like getting punched by someone again.”
“She’s my fucking sister, Steele! You can’t expect me to be okay with you talking about that shit in front of me.” Hudson looked like he was going to throw up, and I just laughed.
“Five years we’ve been together. Five. Years. You gotta get over it at some point.”
Hudson shook his head. “Nope. I don’t have to get over shit. So, Saco, talk to us.”
“Work is steady. Obviously there’s not a lot of crime going on in Jeston.” I shrugged.
“Man, just tell us how you are. You know we’re worried about you, and it’s stupid that we have to dance around the real reason we’re here.”
“Jesus. Are you for real?” Steele glared at Hudson before sighing heavily and turning to me. “You seem better than last year, and I’m not just saying that to bullshit you. I think I’ve seen you smile more in the last five minutes than I have in the past four years combined.”
“Yeah,” Hudson agreed. “It’s been good to see.”
“And we’re sorry we weren’t here on his birthday. This was the first weekend I had free.”
I just sat there waiting for when they would stop. Every time they asked how I was doing, they never actually gave me an opportunity to answer.
“Feel like shit that we couldn’t be here on the day,” he continued.
“Yeah, but we thought about him, all my kids wore something with monkeys on it that day,” Hudson added.
“Did you put a monkey on his grave?” Steele asked, and I waited a few more moments to see if one of them was going to continue.
Olivia had dressed Tate in a jacket with monkeys on it the day of the accident, and for some reason I was never able to get that jacket out of my mind. Some people remember what their child’s favorite toy or blanket was. Me? I remembered those damn monkeys. So every year on his birthday I put a new monkey on his grave. Olivia didn’t understand why I did it and told me it was morbid, but then again, she never went and visited his grave. So I couldn’t care less if she didn’t like it.
Nodding my head, a sad smile pulled at my lips as I looked at the guys. “Yeah, I did. And don’t worry about not being here, the fact that you came at all means a lot. So just—yeah . . . thank you. You both know I appreciate it.”
They were silent for a few seconds before Hudson said, “Well, you know we’re here for you. We want to be here for this, we know it’s a hard time of the year for you.”
“And you and Olivia?” Steele asked, filling the silence that had settled between us. “You said you’re still avoiding her, but I would have asked if things were getting better with what I’m seeing from you.”
I huffed and shook my head. “No, Liv and I are just as bad as we’ve always been . . . if not worse.”
“O-kay . . . ?” they both said, drawing out the word as if they were waiting for me to continue.
“I, uh . . . I don’t really know how to . . .” I drifted off and shrugged helplessly when the waitress brought our plates. No one moved to touch their food.
“Are you finally leaving her?” Steele asked.
I wanted to laugh at the word finally. Did anyone like Olivia? Well, other than her family and herself. With a deep breath in, I shrugged again. “Yeah, that’s the plan.”
Hudson smacked his hand on the table, and Steele smiled widely at me. “Really, man?” he asked. “Gah, fucking finally. I’m happy for you, Saco. What are you gonna do? You want to move back to Colorado? Maybe a change of pace will be good for you, will help you with the grieving to get away from everythi—”
“Oh, you should,” Hudson said, cutting him off. “We can help you look for a place to live there, and a job. Can you just transfer departments like that?”
Steele pointed at me. “Check into that.”
“Guys, I’m not leaving.”
“What? Dude, why not? I know your family is here, but this could be good for you.”
“Because I’m not leaving Olivia just to leave her, Steele. You think I would go through almost six years of being married to a woman I didn’t love, and then four and a half of her being psychotic, just to one day decide that I was done? I was done before I married her.”
Hudson and Steele looked at each other for a few seconds before looking back at me. “Wait, what?” Hudson asked. “We’ve just been waiting for you to realize you deserved a life, man. If that’s not what this is . . . why are you leaving her?”
“Oh, man, no shit,” Steele said on a breath.
I caught his stare for just a second, but there was no doubting he knew.
“What the fuck am I missing?”
“Hudson,” Steele said and smacked his hand on the table. “Focus, you fuck. Saco’s smiling again. He’s leaving his wife. And he wants to stay in this little town that holds nothing but bad memories and his soon-to-be-ex psycho bitch wife.”
Hudson just shook his head and let his hands fall to the table. “Yeah, I’m still lost.”
Steele smirked at me. “If she means enough that you’re finally going to leave Olivia, then I bet I approve.”
I eyed him and leaned closer so I wouldn’t have to talk loud. “You’re not going to judge me at all about this?”
His smirk faltered. “If you’re already with her, I’m going to tell you to think about what you’re doing. You’re still married, Saco. You should divorce Olivia before you start anything with this girl.”
“What the fuck, are you serious?” Hudson hissed. “You’re cheating on Olivia?”
“But seeing how you’re planning on leaving your wife for another woman, I’m betting it’s already started,” Steele continued as if Hudson hadn’t spoken. “Am I right?”
I nodded and ground my jaw.
“I love you, man. You know that, and I know Hudson will agree that we just want to see you happy for once. If she’s what makes you happy, then that’s what we want for you. But don’t do it this way. Leave Olivia, and then continue it. And I’m not saying that for Olivia, because you don’t owe that bitch a damn thing. I’m saying this for whoever this girl is,
she deserves to have you go about this the right way.”
“I know she does,” I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face.
“Unless she’s just trash, then we need to have an intervention. But knowing you, I doubt that’s the case.”
I leveled a glare at Hudson. “She’s not. I’m pretty sure she’s killing herself over this, she hates what we’re doing . . . and I hate that she feels like that. But it’s hard, there’s stuff I have to take care of with Olivia first. And we tried staying away from each other—swear to God we tried—but there was no way to. I know this is going to sound so fucking weird, but I knew within days of meeting her that I needed her to live.”
Both guys just stared at me blankly for a few seconds. “Huh. Well, damn. What’s her name?” Steele finally asked.
“Kamryn.”
“Wh—um . . . this is a girl, right?”
I barked out a laugh. “Yes, her name is Kamryn.” I spelled it out for them, and they both laughed.
“Shit, I was worried there for a second,” Hudson said, and I shot him a droll look.
“Really, though, you would both like her. Brown hair, blue eyes, amazing smile and body. She wears these hipster glasses that I swear to Christ I would hate on anyone else. She has this southern drawl she tries so hard to hide, owns a bakery . . . I don’t know. Just—everything about her.”
“Well, come on, picture.” Hudson grabbed for my phone resting on the table, and I shook my head.
“You won’t find one. I delete our texts too. She’s terrified of anyone finding out, and I don’t want Liv to find out about her because I don’t know what she’d do to her.”
“How’d you meet her?” Steele asked.
I laughed hard once and scratched at the back of my neck. “Well, she’s my sister-in-law’s best friend. Kamryn’s bakery is right next to the boutique Kinlee and her mom run, and I guess Kamryn is always at their house. I went over for a barbecue, and it just escalated from there.”
“Well, I’m glad you found someone who will make you happy. It really is good to see you smiling again. But, like I said, think about what you’re doing. She sounds nice, don’t make her go through this. Finish whatever it is you have to with Olivia, and then be done with her . . . you don’t want to be one of those guys who cheats on his wife, and if people find out, you don’t want her to be seen as one of those girls.”
“I know.” I sighed. Everything he said I already knew and thought about on a daily basis. I hated that I was making Kamryn go through this with me. I hated that I couldn’t have been single when I met her. But I’d tried to stay away, and after feeling dead for so long . . . after finally getting a glimmer of being alive again . . . there had been no way for either of us to wait for me to be divorced. I just hoped I could figure out a way to get some help for Olivia soon.
8
Kamryn
June 5, 2015
CALLING OUT A good-bye to my employees, Grace and Andy, I rested my elbows on the counter near the pastry case and groaned into my hands. My days seemed to drag lately, and it had nothing to do with work. Business was steady, I still loved baking every day, and Kinlee made sure my days were never dull. But I missed Brody. I physically ached from having gone so long without him, sleep was practically nonexistent now, and I’m pretty sure people were beginning to get suspicious with my constant “Mondays suck” theme in the bakery.
If the day didn’t start off well, making it feel like a Monday, we blasted music all day and put out a sign letting customers know that they could throw the old cupcakes against one of our walls to get frustrations out. And I’d been doing it almost every other day.
It had only been a little over two weeks since I’d seen him . . . but an hour without him was torture. Weeks without his touch? It felt like I was constantly suffocating, fighting for air.
I wasn’t this girl who relied on men to survive, never had been. I’d been with Charles out of obligation, but was happy and free when I was away from him. And I’d been more than content being alone when I’d moved to Oregon. Now my world revolved around one man. I had turned into one of those love-struck teenagers whose dramatic fits would sound something like “I can’t live without him.” I knew how ridiculous I sounded, but my need for him was unlike anything I’d ever known.
I’d never believed in soul mates, because no one I’d grown up around had been happy with their spouse. But something in me called to Brody. I never felt as whole as I did when I was with him, and the time we spent apart felt as if my soul had been torn in two. I couldn’t tell you if this empty, hollow feeling was how I’d always been, and it was just more pronounced now that I’d had glimpses of what being whole was like, or if it was all in my head. But I knew if there was such a thing as soul mates, Brody Saco was mine.
And he was still married to another woman.
Straightening up and turning to go into the kitchen to finish up the dishes, I rubbed at the pain in my chest and tried to force the bitter thoughts about Olivia from my mind. I didn’t have the right to hate her. And still, I did. I hated her for being with the man I loved. I hated that she took him from me during the few stolen moments we were able to have. And I hated that I was the one who should be hated by her. I was taking her husband; he was being unfaithful to her because of me. I was ruining a marriage.
As I had done so many times since Brody and I had decided to be together, I felt sick over what we were doing. But even through the guilt, I couldn’t stop my mind from going back to thoughts of Olivia. I wondered what it was about her that had kept Brody this long. I wondered why Brody still wasn’t leaving her.
With a frustrated cry, I threw the dishes I’d been carrying into the sink and gripped the edge with both hands as I forced myself to stay standing.
“I’m not this girl. I’m not this girl,” I chanted to the empty kitchen. But I am.
And it was slowly driving me insane. When we were apart, I second-guessed our decision to start the relationship before he could get a divorce from Olivia. I wondered why I felt bad at all if he was so miserable in his marriage. I hated his wife. I hated myself. A jealousy unlike anything I’ve ever felt made itself known more than once a day. Guilt spread through my body and threatened to cripple me. And my need to be with him again grew stronger with each passing hour.
All of this . . . all of these conflicted emotions . . . were like a broken record in me. I would go through all of them only to start at the beginning again.
So many nights, as I lay in bed unable to sleep, I would mentally scream that I couldn’t do this anymore. That I couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. But then I would talk to him, and even through the heartache of knowing he was going home to his wife instead of me, I knew I would go through this emotional torture again and again for Brody.
I just hated that I didn’t know when I would see or talk to him. We were supposed to be able to talk—if not see each other—every night he worked. He worked four days on, then had four days off, and in the beginning I’d lived for those four days on. But lately we’d been reduced to working around Olivia and her schedule since Brody had been worried that Olivia was getting suspicious of something. Which meant I hadn’t seen him in two and a half weeks and had talked to him only three times.
Why was he worried about Olivia getting suspicious when he was supposedly leaving her? I didn’t know. Because you’re stupid for thinking he’ll leave his wife for you. I gritted my teeth and pushed that thought aside. He will leave her. He will.
My phone rang, jolting me from my conflicted inner ramblings. Fumbling to get my phone out of my pocket, my heart skipped a beat before taking off when I saw Brody’s name on the screen. He hadn’t called in almost a week, and I hadn’t been expecting anything for some time to come since today was day one of his four off.
Sliding my finger across the screen to answer, I put the phone to my ear and held my breath after I asked, “Hello?” My biggest fear was Olivia getting ahold of his phone and calling me, and me answeri
ng in a way that would easily give away that I was in a relationship with her husband.
“Fuck, Kamryn, you have no idea what just hearing your voice does to me.”
My knees weakened, and I released a shaky breath as I used the sink to support my weight again. “Bro—” My voice gave out, and I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat.
“Ah, baby. I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry I haven’t called.”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. I still wasn’t able to speak yet.
“This has been killing me, I need you to know that.” No one could mistake the sincerity or pain in his voice. “Work has been crazy, and the minute I get off Liv has been calling me and won’t let me get off the phone until I get home. She hasn’t left the house at all, I didn’t know what to do, I’m sorry.”
“I know you are,” I choked out.
“I need to see you.”
“But y-you’re off. How?”
“Liv just left for her parents’,” he said, and his next statement sounded unsure. “I don’t think she’ll be back tonight, but I’m willing to risk it even if she does come back. I need you.”
“Okay, okay, I’m on my way home right now.” Screw the dishes. They could wait.
“No! Not after what happened with Kinlee showing up, it’s too risky now.”
I stopped halfway to my purse, and my shoulders sagged. “Then where, Brody? Obviously I can’t come to your place.”
“I’ve been looking up hotels outside the city. There’s one about forty-five minutes from here. Can you meet me there? I’m already on my way.”
I would drive for days if it meant seeing him. “I’ll be there, just tell me where to go.”
I shut everything off in the bakery and locked up as he told me the name of the hotel, and the exit to take to get off the freeway.
“I’ll text you the room number when I get in there, okay?”
“Okay. I’m in my car now. I’ll see you soon.”
“Kamryn.” His voice stopped me from ending the call, and I smiled as his deep voice came through the phone. “Drive safe please. I need you whole so I can show you how much I’ve missed you.”
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