“You found me out,” she said around one of my cookies. “Took you long enough. What’s this?” she asked, nodding her head at the TV.
“How am I supposed to know? You have the remote.”
“Well, I can’t find it. What was coming on after Harry Potter?”
I rolled my head to the side and raised an eyebrow at her. “Really? You’re really asking me this right now? There were two on in a row. How the hell am I supposed to know the answer to that?”
“Meh, whatever. It has Cameron Diaz. I like her.” Kinlee shrugged and sat back. “I don’t want to watch this,” she whispered a few moments later.
“What? Why?” I looked at her, alarmed by the tone of her voice.
“I just don’t. Can you help me look for the remote?”
I watched as she turned and shoved her hand in the side of the couch, and I glanced back at the inoffensive movie playing. “I don’t—what’s wrong with it?”
“I just don’t want to watch it, all right?!”
Jumping back from her now-shrill voice, I sat there stunned for a few seconds before nodding my head furiously. “Yeah, okay. Let’s find it.”
I helped her look for the remote while sneaking glances back at the TV. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” I said, reading the title out loud. Why would Kinlee be so against watching this?
Looking back at her, I watched her eyes flutter shut and a deep breath left her. Her shoulders hunched forward like she was curling in on herself, and my chest ached for my friend.
“Are—are you and Jace having a baby?” Wouldn’t that be a happy thing?
She sighed sadly and opened her eyes, but didn’t look at me. She just continued staring at the back of the couch. “No.”
Glancing quickly at the movie still playing, I moved to sit on the floor next to her and grabbed her forearm. “Did you have a miscarriage, Lee?” She shook her head, and my confusion grew. “I—what happened? I don’t know what’s wrong.”
For long minutes she just sat there staring until she finally cried out, “I swear to God, it’s like it all comes at once. It can’t just be the same amount all the time. I either don’t see babies, don’t see pregnant women, and don’t see commercials about them . . . or I see them everywhere!” Fat tears fell down her cheeks, and my mouth hung open as I sat there helplessly. “In the last week I have seen dozens of commercials about babies, about pregnancy tests. There has been at least one pregnant woman or one woman with an infant who comes into the store every day, and did you notice the group of women at Starbucks on Thursday?” she asked, finally turning to look at me.
I shook my head as I thought back to Thursday.
“Pregnant!” she spit out. “All four of them were fucking pregnant, and two had toddlers.” Hard sobs racked her small body, and she wiped at her eyes with the heels of her hands. “It’s like it has to taunt me constantly for weeks until I finally break. It’s like the universe realizes that I’m okay with my life, and happy with Jace, and wants to remind me of what I can’t have and make me miserable all over again!”
“You—you can’t have kids, Kinlee?” I asked softly.
“Do you—” She cut off, trying to suck in air. “Do you realize how hard it is knowing you can’t? Knowing it’s not even an option?” she cried. “Do you know how badly Jace wanted a family? That’s all—” Her words stopped as the sobs took over her body, and she slumped into the couch.
Pulling her over to me, I wrapped my arms around her and let my hand run over her back as her body shook uncontrollably.
“That’s all he wanted. That’s all I wanted! And I can’t give us that,” she whimpered, her body sagging as the sobs calmed.
“Kinlee, I’m so sorry. I had no idea,” I said as I continued to hold her. “I’m sorry.”
We sat there on the floor, in front of her couch, for countless minutes as she cried and my heart broke for her. When her tears stopped and she sat back, I grabbed her hand and looked at her red-rimmed eyes.
“When did you find out?”
She sniffed and wiped at her face. “Right before we got married. We got in this huge fight because I was sure he wouldn’t want to get married anymore. It was our first fight, and it was so dumb, but I’d been terrified and heartbroken when I’d found out.”
“Have you ever thought about adoption?” I asked cautiously. I wasn’t sure if this was a sore topic for her.
“I mean, yeah. But it’s expensive, and people can go years waiting to adopt.”
“Would Jace want to?”
Kinlee laughed and shook her head. “He’s the one who’s pushing adoption. I mean, we could, I know we could afford it. But”—she glanced at me—“what if we never get the opportunity, and I get my hopes up? I don’t know if I can handle that,” she whispered.
“Kinlee,” I choked out.
“I just want to be a mom. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
My chin quivered as I watched more tears fill her eyes. “Then don’t be afraid to try. You don’t want to look back in twenty or thirty years and wonder what would have happened if you had just gone for it now. Right?”
Just like how I hadn’t wanted to lose myself in a life I hated with Charles, so I’d run away. Just like how I had done something I never would have seen myself do so I could be with the man I needed in order to breathe. In both cases, I hadn’t wanted to look back in twenty or thirty years and wonder what would have happened if I had done those things . . . I’d wanted to know what did happen.
12
Brody
June 17, 2015
“I JUST NEED to know if you think I should get an attorney, or what the best way to go about this would be.”
Chief sat there with a dumbfounded expression on his face, and after a few seconds blinked his eyes quickly and shook his head. “Honestly, I’m lost, Saco,” he said as he threw his hands up. “So, according to the reports, she didn’t take the pills. Then she refused to go home with you when she was released from the hospital. And now already the next day is demanding to come back to your home with you?”
“Do you see why I’m so close to breaking? I almost took your advice yesterday morning, Chief. I was this close to saying screw the whole thing and stepping back from trying to get her help. Then I found her on the floor of her bathroom unconscious, and now all this is happening. She. Needs. Help. And all her parents are doing is enabling her crazy fits. I don’t know if all three of them are in on this, or if I’m honestly just missing something.”
“Play the voice mail again.”
Leaning forward, I tapped my screen and hit the voice mail that Olivia’s dad had left me two hours before. He’d called thirty minutes after Olivia’s constant calling and sobbing voice mails had stopped to let me know that he was calling his attorney and they would be coming after me for spousal neglect because I couldn’t afford to pay for the hospital while she was in it, couldn’t afford her lifestyle, and refused to provide shelter seeing as I wouldn’t let her back in the house.
I hadn’t paid the ER fee at the hospital because Mr. Reynolds had told the administrator not to bother asking me for payment since I couldn’t afford bread, much less a hospital visit; then he more or less threw his credit card at the woman. I couldn’t afford Liv’s lifestyle because she wanted to be like the fucking Cunninghams and thought $100 shoes were for homeless people. And it wasn’t that I wasn’t letting her back in the house. She still had her key, and I sure as shit hadn’t changed the locks. I just hadn’t asked her to come back, and Liv, being the girl she was, wanted me to beg her to come back. Seeing as how I couldn’t stand the woman and was trying to get her help before I divorced her, I had no desire to beg her to come anywhere near me.
So if that was spousal neglect, then yeah, the attorney definitely had a reason to go after me. While I knew he didn’t, I knew Liv and her family, and I wouldn’t have put it past them to somehow find a way to have something on me.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I wh
ispered as Mr. Reynolds’s voice drifted to an end on my phone.
“I don’t blame you, but you have to be strong. Don’t let this break you, not after everything you’ve been through. Have you—” Chief cut off and eyed me for a moment. “I know you’re not happy. Have you ever thought of leaving her?”
“That’s what I meant just now. I’ve been wanting to for over a month now, but I wanted to get her help first. I can’t, though. I can’t help her if this is how they come back at me. You have no idea how responsible I feel for the woman Olivia has turned into, but I’ve been done with her for years. And now . . . well, now I’m done being responsible for her too. If they want to make it seem like I faked her suicide attempt, and then threaten me with their attorney because I’m not asking her to come back home the next day, then her parents can take care of her.”
Saying the words out loud, even if just to my chief, made this crushing weight slowly begin to lift from my chest. And suddenly, I couldn’t wait any longer. I’d dealt with her for far too long, I’d made Kamryn wait for this for too long, and now that I knew that Olivia was a lost cause, there was nothing else to wait for.
I stood up quickly, and Chief gave me an odd smile. It was happy, but still somehow pained. Like he knew this was something I’d agonized over, but needed nonetheless. “Well, I guess you’ll probably be getting an attorney regardless, then. Just let me know if you need tonight off.”
Shaking my head, I grabbed my phone and headed toward the door. “I’ll be in. Thank you for listening.”
As I drove to an attorney’s office in town I called Kamryn, but she didn’t answer. Knowing she was either near Kinlee or too busy at work, I didn’t bother leaving a message and tossed my phone in a cup holder. I tried to calm my anxious shaking as I drove and focused on what was to come. I was finally going to do what I should have done long ago.
I walked in, told the receptionist what I needed, gave her my name, and took a seat in the lobby. Not three minutes later, a woman in a suit walked out.
“Mr. Saco?”
“Yes.” Standing, I offered my hand, which she shook.
“I was told you were looking to file for divorce. Is that correct?”
My hands started shaking even harder, and my stomach tightened in anticipation. “That’s correct.”
With a smile, she nodded once and took a step back. “Okay, just making sure I knew what to be ready for. I’m finishing up something that needs to be sent over to a client. It will only take a few minutes, if you don’t mind waiting.”
“That’s fine, I’ll be here.”
“All right then. Ten minutes tops!” she said with a smile and hurried back down the hallway.
Thirty minutes later, a man in a suit that had to cost more than I made in a month walked into the building.
“Brody Saco, what a pleasant surprise seeing you here.”
I raised my eyebrow and straightened in the chair. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”
“Oh, well, not exactly. But you’re about to if you decide to continue on with what you’re about to do. I’m J. Shepherd, but I’m sure you would have figured that out sooner or later in this conversation.”
I locked my jaw and my eyes narrowed as I recognized the familiar name. Olivia and her parents threw it around enough, there was no way not to know it. He was her parents’ attorney.
“You know what I just find absolutely hilarious?” he asked as he took the seat next to me. “Other than the fact that you really thought I didn’t have enough pull in the surrounding cities to have them watching for you and to call me when you finally came in? And to file for divorce too. I had bet it would be for a defense attorney.” He clucked his tongue. “Guess I lost out on that three hundred dollars.”
“What do you want?” I said through gritted teeth.
“Right. So this is what I find funny. A man who was driving when an accident occurred, which resulted in killing his son, and the same man who tried to make his wife’s fainting look like a suicide attempt . . . is now wanting to file for divorce. I’m seeing a pattern. If I’m not mistaken, Mr. Saco, you only married Olivia Reynolds because she was going to have your baby. Is that correct?”
I didn’t say anything. I just sat there trying to control my breathing.
“I’ll take your silence as a confirmation. So that means you never really wanted a life with her, and that includes a family. It is quite convenient that your son is out of the picture. And now, after waiting a long enough time that it wouldn’t seem suspicious to most, you try to get your wife put in a psych ward before divorcing her. Now that, Mr. Saco, seems very suspicious, if you ask me. And since we are asking me . . . I’ll just inform you now that if you continue with your filing, we will press charges for trying to make Olivia look suicidal so you could force her into a psych ward, which will only bring up the question of whether the car accident was actually an accident or not.”
My breaths were coming fast, too fast. It felt like I was going to be sick. This couldn’t be happening.
“We wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we?”
“What game are you all playing at? No one in that family, including Olivia, can stand me. She’s always making bullshit accusations about things I’ve done that have scared her. She’s said I’ve hurt her. For Christ’s sake, her parents put in a formal complaint to get me fired for it. They made this huge, dramatic scene at the hospital yesterday about not letting me near her because of what I had allegedly done. And now suddenly it’s the opposite? They want to file something against me because I haven’t called begging her to come home when she can willingly do it herself? They have you watching for me, and you’re coming in here threatening me if I file for divorce? What is the point of all this back-and-forth bullshit?”
“Ooh.” He held his hands up and winced. “Threatening is such a harsh word, Mr. Saco. As a lawyer, I’m not threatening; I’m simply strongly advising you against something you would regret immensely. Most people pay me five hundred an hour for this kind of advice. You’re lucky I’m giving it to you for free.”
I stood and started to leave, but stopped when he grabbed my wrist.
“Mr. Saco, I am strongly advising you that you go home and take care of your wife the way you’re supposed to. You don’t want the Reynoldses to have to call me again. We wouldn’t want to see what would happen to your career, or your brother’s, or heaven forbid your house, his house, or your parents’ house if you decide to ignore my advice. I’ll tell you once again, this is merely advice. You don’t want to see what happens when I start threatening.”
Slowly, I turned to look down at him and watched as his challenging eyes met mine.
“Now you have a nice day, Mr. Saco.”
Kamryn
June 17, 2015
I HANDED OFF a tray of pastries to Grace to take up to the front and turned to begin filling and icing a few dozen cupcakes when the shop’s phone rang. Looking around the counter until I spotted it, I grabbed it and put it between my shoulder and cheek.
“KC’s Sweet Treats,” I said by way of greeting.
“Hey.”
I stopped reaching for the cupcakes as my body heated and tingled, my stomach simultaneously started churning, and I held my breath. One word. One simple word and I felt like I could easily faint from the effect his voice had on me—or get sick because of the stress I could tell he was trying so hard to hide.
“Brody, what happened?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Nothing. I, uh, I’d just called you earlier and never heard back. I wanted to be able to get ahold of you before I went in to work.”
“You called?” I patted my apron and pockets and sighed. “I don’t have my phone on me. It’s either in my purse or my car, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t—Kamryn, don’t ever say you’re sorry.”
My forehead bunched together in confusion and worry. “Brody, what’s wrong?”
“Nothi—”
“Don’t li
e, what you just said is not something you would say in normal conversation. And besides that, you never call me before work, and I can hear it in your voice—something happened. So tell me.”
He was silent for a few heavy moments, and in that time I felt the blood draining from my face.
“There are just times when I need to hear your voice. I need to be able to talk to you because I can’t see you . . . and I just need you.” He cursed away from the phone. “For so many reasons.”
I worried my bottom lip as I waited for anything else he might have to say, but there was nothing. “You’re scaring me,” I admitted softly.
“I want to be able to give you everything, Kamryn . . . and it kills me that I’m in a situation where I can’t. But you know what makes it that much harder? I feel like I don’t know how to get out of the situation and get through all this bullshit without you right there. Right. Fucking. There. By my side. But because of the circumstances, I have to find a way.”
“Brody . . .”
“And sometimes that just feels impossible.”
My chest ached for him, and it felt like I was struggling to stay standing as I listened to him admit all this to me. “Tell me what happened,” I pleaded.
“Nothing,” he finally replied. “Nothing happened, sweetheart. I’m just trying to figure out a way for this all to go away for us, and some days it seems harder than others. I wanted to vent and hear your voice. That’s all.”
My lips tilted up slightly, but that sickening feeling like he wasn’t telling me everything wasn’t lessening.
Brody
June 17, 2015
STEPPING INTO THE kitchen late that night after work, I froze when I saw Olivia sitting at the table.
“Brody, I—” She cut off on a sob and dropped her head into her hands, her entire body shaking with the movements. “I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t make a move toward her, and I didn’t say anything. It was all I could do to keep from clenching my jaw so hard that it felt like it was about to break. My hands curled into fists, and I crossed my arms over my chest to keep them close. I wouldn’t touch her, but I didn’t trust myself to not throw whatever was closest to me right now.
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