If I Break #4 Shattered Pieces

by Portia Moore

  “Yesterday, we had a good moment,” I say quietly, briefly meeting her eyes.

  “Before then it was things that reminded me of Chris or Cal that he did, that I missed that made me want to be near him, but then was the first time I think I liked him.” I pick up my glass and take a small sip, my heart is beating faster and I just let out a long breath.

  “And I’m sort of afraid of that,” I tell her and she nods as if she’s been waiting for me to say that. She stretches her arm across the table and takes my hand in hers.

  “It’s normal, Lauren,” she says reassuringly. The show of affection brings tears to my eyes, but I blink them away.

  “I feel stupid because… I’m supposed to feel about him how I feel about Cal and Chris… but at the same time if I do, I can’t help feeling guilty about it, which makes me a huge hypocrite because I tell Chris and Cal I love the whole man,” I spout all of this out in the span of one sentence.

  “If you got closer to Collin… what are you afraid of happening?”

  I reflect on her question all through the day. I didn’t answer her then. I just shrugged it off as me being silly, and she didn’t press since technically we weren’t having a real session under the guise of two friends meeting for lunch and girl talk when it’s anything but. The salad I ate swishes in my stomach like waves as I sit in front of my closet trying to choose what to wear. I feel as nervous as I did on my first date with Cal, so many moons ago. Then I didn’t have a closet full of designer dresses and shoes. He didn’t say where we were going but knowing what I do know of Collin, it will be somewhere fancy and calling for something nice.

  “All of them are nice, Lauren,” Raven says as she and Caylen sit on the bed watching me pick through the dresses.

  “And why are you so jittery, sweetie?” she asks.

  “I don’t know, I’m being stupid,” I flop on the bed.

  “Things have been okay between you and… Collin,” she reaffirms his name.

  “Yes, they’re fine it just still takes some getting used to sometimes,” I tell her sounding as confident as I can, especially after the speech I gave her earlier. She squeezes my hand and nods. I give her a hug, and she hugs me back, the kind of hug she’d give me when I was little to let me know that everything was going to be okay.

  “I still have my reservations about this, and I really wish I could pack you up and give you a vacation on an island away from all of this,” she laughs, but in a way I know that she is completely serious. “But if there is anyone who can get through this, it’s you,” she tells me quietly in my ear.

  When she releases me, she walks over to the closet and picks up the little white one shoulder dress that clings to me everywhere.

  “I can’t see any man not liking this,” she tells me with a soft smile. After I shower and put on my dress, I curl my hair and end up sweeping it in a top bun. I put on a little makeup and when I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t help but smile. I’m going on a date, and the woman staring back at me is excited.

  I miss him, and the small part of me he opened up to show me last night, gives me hope.

  Not just from being anxious and slightly suspicious like I have been. I keep thinking of how I missed doing this with Cal, how Chris and I had so much going on that it never came up, but the time before last Collin and I did this was right after he first appeared and that was the night before all hell broke loose. I’ve gotten to know Collin better since that night, but he still makes me nervous. He’s charming but almost too charming, and I just can’t read him. Not that I was great at reading Cal, but I knew what motivated Cal, I knew how to get my way most times. Chris is hard to read but only because I felt like he was so confused about what was going on, that his conflicting emotions get the better of him most times. Knowing his history and his parents I felt more at ease with him, and the fact I was determined to do whatever I needed to make things work for our family…. well that hasn’t changed.

  Whatever it takes.

  Collin

  Family.

  It can make or break you.

  I’ve seen it. It was the thing that made him, but sometimes the cure comes from the same tree as the poison. Of all of us, I remember the most about our life before. Our mom and dad, well the man we thought to be our father, and our three sisters. I remember our life being good when our mother was stable, or more stable than the times she wasn’t. I remember feeling love at some points. We were her favorite, I remember the last moment with her before everything was changed.

  Raven is sitting on the sofa, her eyes on Caylen.

  “I love my niece, Collin. I would die for her and this little girl,” she continues looking me directly in the eye. I can sense her worry, her restraint, the pain she’s dealt with being interconnected to all of this. I wonder how many sleepless nights she’s had, how many prayers she’s said. I heard her and Lauren today when I realized I left one of my files. I heard their fight. I don’t know if they heard each others' plea, the one that’s really unspoken, hidden under the anger at the surface, both just want the pain to stop, a break from the underlying worry. I understand Raven; I’ve been in her place for all of these years. Through the tug-of-war, the opposite agendas of Christopher and Calvin. We all just want peace. I approach her slowly and take her hand.

  “Are you ever going to be well?” her words come out sharp, but I can tell that she doesn’t mean for them to be hurtful. “She deserves that, she’s been through so much,” her voice slightly breaking.

  “And what about Caylen? How is this supposed to work for them?” She wipes her eyes.

  “I know that this may be harsh, but I’m just so worried about them.” Her voice is tense but vulnerable. She stands and walks closer to me. “If Lauren knew I was talking to you like this she’d never forgive me, but I-I have to hear this from you…” She lets out a deep breath.

  “Lauren will never walk away from you. I realized that today. She will never ever let you go, and it scares the hell out of me.” She glances up toward the bedroom Lauren is in. “You have to promise me. If you really love her, if you know that it is even a possibility of you coming anywhere near hurting her that you will walk away from her. I need that promise from you, from Chris, and from Cal. Knowing that would just help so much.”

  She knows that I could easily tell her a lie. That I could give her an empty promise, but she seems relieved to have said the words, even if I could use those same words to turn the person she loves most against her. I remember when she was Cal’s biggest supporter, I saw her skepticism about Chris, and when she looks at me, there’s a mix of fear, skepticism, and exhaustion. I take her hands in mine and a flicker of a memory of the mother I used to know tries to enter my thoughts.

  “I promise you that she’s safe with me, that I won’t do anything to hurt her. It isn’t in me or any of us to do anything that won’t be for her good,” I promise her, and can see that she’s still skeptical but hopeful.

  “Is everything ok?” We both turn and see Lauren standing at the top of the stairs, and for the first time in my life, I don’t have anything to say. She looks like an angel, a white dress snaking around her body, a simple diamond necklace rests on her neck, her hair swept on top of her head showcasing the length of her neck. She’s always been beautiful. From the time Cal first laid eyes on her there was no denying that, but as she stands there right now, she looks regal, elegant, and vulnerable, like she’s a star of a 1950’s film, and it catches me off guard.

  “You look beautiful, sweetheart.” Raven is standing and walks to meet her at the stairs. I realize I haven’t said anything.

  “Thank you.” She glances over at me, and her cheeks are flushed pink, and my chest tightens. She smiles at me shyly, one that I haven’t seen from her directed at me at least.

  “Thank you for today, it was really needed,” she tells me.

  “It was well deserved,” I clear my throat.

  “Don’t you think mommy looks pretty?” Raven says walking a
cross the room and picking up Caylen in her arms. She beams causing all of us to break into a smile. I take Caylen’s hand and kiss it. She’s the best thing Cal has ever done. To see so much of myself in her is still surreal, to see a bigger purpose to be better is a reminder for us all to be a better man.

  “You two have a great time tonight.” Raven gives Lauren a quick hug and she squeezes my shoulder, a passing understanding between the both of us.

  “You be good for auntie Raven,” Lauren tells Caylen kissing her on the cheek.

  “Be good princess,” I hug and kiss her good-bye. “Shall we go Mrs. Scott?” I ask extending my arm to her. She nods and the smile she tries to hide peeks through.

  “Yes we shall, Mr. Scott,” she says in an amused tone.

  Our car ride is quiet, but there is a tension that you can feel, that’s intermingled with the smell of her perfume. She’s nervous, but trying to hide it. She keeps squeezing her wrist and hums along to the music which are obvious signs of her nervousness. We’ve only made small talk about her day, Caylen, her trip to the spa. I engage her when she opens up, but my thoughts are clouded and more unfocused than usual. My eyes keep drifting to the hem of her dress that keeps edging up, my mind keeps going back to the moment in the shower where she looked at me with equal parts reservation, annoyance and desire.

  I can feel her eyes on me, and it makes things worse.

  She turns down the music. “Are you ok?” She asks, her eyes studying me.

  “Yes,” I tell her confidently. This is the first time I’ve had to tell myself to be confident, something that was once natural. Having to direct myself is a feeling I don’t like. “Why?” I ask, already knowing the answer. If I’m noticing things myself, it’s not surprising that she has too.

  “You just seem a little unlike yourself, no pun intended.” She laughs, and I can’t help but grin.

  “It’s still me,” I tell her and she chuckles picking up on my joke.

  Her head turns toward the window, her eyes following the glitter of the city lights. I remember when Cal first brought us here. I knew then he’d never want to leave, he was addicted to the city the moment he entered it, just like he became addicted to her the moment he laid eyes on her. I’ve felt at home in each place that we’ve lived, which has been many over the years, indifferent to wherever we called home. It wasn’t until she became a part of our home that my indifference was harder to hold up.

  My plan was to do something nice for her, something that would allow her to get away from the life we’ve dug for her. To give her time outside of the world she’s closed herself in. Whether she liked it or not was an afterthought. If she did, it would be good because it would keep her happy here in Chicago, which I need her to be so I can keep a close watch on what the Crestfields owe us. If she didn’t like it, I’d come up with another plan. The goal is always to keep everyone’s agenda in line. Balance is the key. After yesterday something has changed, so slight that any other person wouldn’t notice, but I noticed a shift has happened. It’s subtle, but shifts change the balance, and it’s so important for things to be even with me, neutral is always best. We pull up in front of the restaurant, and I open the door for her and give the valet driver my keys. I extend my arm and when she takes it, I can’t help but notice how good we fit. I also notice the lingering gaze of the valet worker on her as we make our way to the entrance. We’re immediately seated, and in one of the best sections of the restaurant—one that overlooks the lake and is close enough to hear the live band but not drown out conversation. Our order is taken, and I order a bottle of her favorite red wine, one that’s on the sweeter side. It’s not my favorite but tonight isn’t about me. I feel a pull in my stomach, more like a knot, ones that are usually reserved for Chris, but I ignore it.

  “You usually don’t like for me to drink.” She looks at me with playful eyes and an amused grin on her lips.

  I tear my eyes away from her beautiful lips and remind myself to focus. “There’s a difference between drinking for pleasure and in moderation and drinking for courage or numbness,” I take a drink of my water. She frowns slightly and her eyes narrow on me, reminding me of how she usually looks at me.

  “Do you always have to be so serious?” she asks, a hint of annoyance in her tone but her expression is amused.

  My eyebrow raises. “I didn’t know that I was always serious.” I chuckle, and she rolls her eyes and takes a drink from her glass.

  “Not always, not when you’re interacting with Caylen, you’re not so…” She looks up as if trying to find a word that wouldn’t offend me, and it’s adorable.

  “Uptight,” she giggles, and I can’t help but smile.

  “See, when you smile… it’s like magic.” I can’t say I’m not taken aback, and she looks down shyly.

  “Or in your words, it’s enthralling,” she mimics my voice. “See, I know big words too,” she winks.

  I can’t help but laugh again. She blushes, and I can tell the wine has started to swim through her blood stream, but she’s also pacing herself.

  “When did you read Harry Potter?” she asks after our appetizer is brought out. My eyes look at hers, and they’re a little squinted but they smile at me. Her chin is rested in her palm and a lazy smile is on her lips. I have never seen her look so easy going with me.

  “Reading was my way to escape.”

  “What were you escaping from?”

  I lean back in my seat and look at her, knowing that she’s never wanted pretty lies or half-truths, and I’ve never been one to give those, but it would be a lie to say I don’t miss the easy smile that was just on her face. I understand why Chris would tell a half-truth to keep the smile there, because the expression she holds now is one with a somber sincerity.

  “There were days, when Cal felt at his darkest and Chris was hidden mainly when Gwen was sick. I read over 300 books that year, all different genres from fiction to biographies, even a few of Gwen’s old romance novels. There were no books that helped me escape more than the magical world of Hogwarts.” I give her one of the smiles she called magic, but the one she gives me is what casts the spell, one that I thought I was immune to.

  “Okay, I have a very serious question for you,” Her voice has only a hint of a slur, her expression is serious, but there is a playful glint in her eye.

  “Where would the sorting hat put you?” She maintains her serious façade, and I can feel the smile stretch on my face. I take a moment to pretend to ponder even though I already have an immediate answer.

  “Ravenclaw,” I tell her, and she bursts out laughing. She looks as if she’s going to ask another question but decides against it, but I already know what she’s thinking.

  “Christopher would be a Hufflepuff and Cal a Gryffindor.”

  Her eyes widen in surprise.

  “I thought you’d have said Cal would be in Slytherin.”

  I shake my head and chuckle. “That would be if you were talking to Chris.”

  The rest of the dinner goes even better than I imagined. She shows a side of herself that she hasn’t shown me yet. She’s playful and funny and reminds me how intelligent she is, keeping up with me in any subject I bring up. We keep things light, and she doesn’t ask me questions that I assumed she would have about my sessions with Helen, or the work I’ve been doing with the Crestfield Corporation. I think she’s grown accustomed to not getting answers to the questions she really wants and has trained herself to not ask. Or maybe it’s that she’s enjoying the night so much that she doesn’t know if I’ll give her answers she wants to hear. When we’re back in the car she sings along to the music inviting me to join in, and when I decline, she swats me playfully.

  “Since it’s so late, do you still want your surprise tonight, or would you rather wait until tomorrow?” I ask.

  “Tonight,” she smiles brightly. “But only if it’s a good one.”

  I try to contain my smile, but I’ve been failing miserably at that tonight. We pull in the back of a bu
ilding. We’re only a few blocks from home. I get out of the car and open the door for her. She looks at me curiously.

  “It’s this way,” I tell her. She takes my hand and steps out of the car. I try to hide my surprise when she doesn’t let it go, but I know that she’s a little tipsy and her feet must hurt from the shoes she’s wearing, so I don’t read too much into it. When I walk to the back entrance of the building and put in the security code, she looks at me more perplexed. I open the door and hit the lights, revealing a large, empty space.

  She looks at me a little confused. Her eyes then land on the package in the middle of the floor. “What is this place?” Her eyes take in the vaulted ceilings and hardwood floors. It’s about 2600 square feet in total, 1600 on the first floor and the remainder on the second. There are large windows that look out on to the street.

  “Whatever you want it to be,” I tell her, and she stops mid-step and turns to look at me her eyes wide with emotion.

  “What?” she asks.

  “I thought it could be an excellent space for an art gallery,” I say with a slight shrug. I hear her breath catch, and her mouth falls open.

  “You bought me a gallery?” Her voice is shaky, and I start to wonder if she’s upset.

  “Well, it’s not a gallery yet… I saw the potential of it. It’s in the center of the art district, but it could be whatever you want it to be or if you don’t want it, we could sell it for a steal. I just thought of you when I saw it.” I start feeling almost apprehensive now.

  “You bought me a gallery?” This time she’s smiling, but there’s joy oozing from her tone even though her eyes are teary.

  “It’s not a big deal. It's something you should have had already.” I mean every word of it. She had dreams when she came into our life, dreams that the weight of our problems suffocated, and it’s a crime that someone as smart and ambitious as she was became so stifled by us.

  “I don’t know what to say.” She clutches her chest as if her heart would fall out if she didn’t.