by Portia Moore
“I mean you are, and I can’t leave my girls with someone who acts like a pussy.” I say adamantly, but then I realize I need him to get this. I try to tone myself down, if that’s even possible.
“I want to give her something she’s always wanted. I sure as hell can’t do it by myself. But maybe both of us can together. We can give her the Prince Charming she deserves.” That was corny but he’ll buy it, and my girl does deserve a Prince Charming. I can be her Prince Charming.
“Helen and I have been talking, and I’m starting to think maybe this integration thing won’t suck ass completely. So what do you say, Chris? You in or you going to pussy out?” I ask point blank into the camera.
“Okay, cut it.” I tell Helen and double over gripping my head.
“What are you saying? You’re suddenly okay with integrating? I thought you were completely against that?”.
“Show the tape to him when you think he is finally ready to hear from me. When he is ready to meet with me. That tape is for Chris only.” I tell her squeezing my eyelids together. I don’t have much time left because I can’t hold Collin off for much longer.
“Cal, I don’t understand what you are up to.”
“Promise me, Helen!” I shout at her. She scowls at me, but nods.
“Okay. I promise.” She finally relents.
My muscles feel like they’re trying to stretch around a tree. I take a deep breath and glance at her trying my best to hide my pain.
“I keep having the dream Helen, I can’t shake it…”
Chris
“Here,” I open my eyes and see Helen in front of me with an outstretched hand offering me a bottle of water. I rub my temples. I could have sworn that…
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“What were we just talking about?” I could have sworn I just… but I couldn’t have because it wouldn’t make sense for it to happen that quickly.
“Integration—about how long the process can take,” she says quietly and goes back to sit behind her desk.
“You said years, right?” I open the water and chug it down.
“Yes, sometimes. Still, there have been some cases where spontaneous fusion has occurred.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, it’s been said that sometimes when all parts—or alters as you know them—become co-conscious, operating in awareness of each other, then fusion can gradually take place.”
“Wait, what is co-consciousness?” I ask being that this is the first time I’ve ever heard the term.
“It’s when everyone is on the same page, you’re all aware of what the other is doing. You operate as one.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It would mean no more blackouts. You all would share memories and information instead of switching or you going to sleep when one takes over. You all communicate and make decisions together.”
“Wait, what?” I ask confused. “We would basically rotate out,” I laugh.
She presses her lips together. “The thought may seem ridiculous to you now—” she begins.
“It is. You want me to share my life with them. All take turns?!”
“With you all being so combative with one another it may seem impractical, but there are many people who choose that path and find they function more normally that way.” I think you should attend a support group. You’d be able to meet others like you who are further along in treatment and hear firsthand how others handle it.”
“Why am I just now hearing about this being an option?”
Her eyes widen in surprise. “Would you actually consider co-consciousness?”
“No… I mean… I just think it’s something I should have known about.”
“Well, co-consciousness isn’t an option until the underlying reason for integration is learned by all parties.” She explains.
“And now we know…”
“Yes,” she says simply. “Also you all share a commonality now.”
“You mean Lauren?” I let out a long breath.
“Of course, you all would have to be on the same page. Each of you would have to agree… and let’s just say we’re at square one with that,” she adds. I roll my eyes at that. I don’t see why either of them would want to be co-conscious with me. They’re the jerks who are ruining my life. It’s not the other way around.
“Lauren. She told me that Collin knows more than Cal and I know.” She looks at me as if wanting me to ask the obvious question.
“Does he?” I ask.
“Here is the thing Chris,” her eyes fall on her desk. “With everyone being at odds, I’m not allowed to discuss what they say to me to you unless they explicitly give me permission to do so.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I ask her in disbelief.
“My goal is to have you all agree for me to treat you as one, but as of now, no one has given me permission to do that.”
“You’re kidding.” But from the serious look on her face, I can tell she’s not.
“It’s ridiculous. How are you supposed to treat us if you can’t tell me what they talk to you about?”
“It goes both ways,” she interrupts.
“But can’t they hear and see what I do. I’m the only one out of the loop in this. It’s not fair! Then what am I even doing here?” I stand up disgusted with myself for even thinking that this would help, that she’d help me. I know out of all of us, it’s probably me she likes the least.
“I can help you, Chris!” She stands up as I’m about to leave the room.
“How?”
“I can help you learn to better process so that the switches aren’t as frequent or necessary. I can teach you how to communicate with them. Right now you feel as if you’re the weakest. I can help you change that.”
I stop my hand on the doorknob.
“Your biggest weakness is that you were in the dark. You don’t have to be now. You can choose another option.”
Chapter Eight
Lauren
I sit in front of the large canvas in front of me and stare at it. I keep it here in my office of the gallery, hidden away.
It’s him.
Or them. Three faces of the man I love.
Well, in the middle there’s a large blank space. I don’t know who he’ll end up being tomorrow. Now the picture is a little outdated since Chris shaved off most of his hair this morning. Not that I can say that I blame him. When Collin started growing it out, I knew it was something that both Chris and Cal would hate. I just didn’t think he’d cut it all the way off the second he came back. From what I think I understand is that Chris doesn’t remember anything while he’s away. Only getting glimpses of what happens randomly.
I can’t imagine what that must be like. To share a body, a mind with other people and be the last to know everything and the first to deal with the results of their actions. He probably feels so powerless in it all—it’s the reason I couldn’t lie to him. Not after everything that’s happened— all the lies told to me, the truths people thought I should be shielded from. Collin asked me to trust him, to believe that he has their best interest at heart, and I do believe that he has their best interest at heart. I think. I hope anyway. It’s what he says and he’s never lied to me—not that I know of.
Yesterday when Collin told me that Chris was coming back, it was such a surreal moment. How could he know that? How can he be so aware? Is it normal for one of them to know things like that, and why does Cal and Collin know but not Chris? It doesn’t seem fair— though what’s fair in their case? Collin didn’t have to tell me that Chris was coming back, but he did and I appreciate that. It was terrifying as well because it was so normal and casual of him. Collin doesn’t seem to process emotions how most people do, and it’s refreshing but scary at the same time. Truthfully it has only caused me to have more questions. Then it becomes do I want to know all the answers if he had them to give? Who do I want them from? I take a sip of water and pick up my pencil and perfect the dimple in Chris’s ch
eek. I darken the color in Cal’s eyes, and create the arched brow that Collin typically has. I stare again at the space in the middle. Who would that man be? What would be lost in this process? Will there be one standing or segments of the three? My phone rings and I see that it’s him.
Chris.
“Hey,” he says and I can’t help but smile at the voice I haven’t heard in so long. Chris's voice is distinctive, even when he’s annoyed or frustrated it still holds a warmness, a youthfulness that is different from Cal and Collin’s.
“I’m outside of your gallery.” I push myself off the floor and head to the window and see him standing there.
“I’ll be right down to let you in.” I grab the cover and toss it over the canvas, and head downstairs and let him in. When I open the door, he’s standing there with an easy smile, and his bright green eyes make me do the same. I stand aside for him to come in. When I lock the door, I can see him taking everything in.
“Wow.”
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I say quietly as I stand beside him.
“He picked this out?”
“Yeah,” I say sounding awkward to myself. I hate this part. I hate that we’re back to square one it seems, a tension between us that we fought so hard to get past. I missed Chris, and it’s so crazy how I didn’t even know Collin but his presence being gone has been felt. I even miss Cal while Chris is standing here, I can’t help but think of Collin the man who made my dream come to fruition and it’s the hardest thing to explain.
“So, is Chicago where you plan on staying?” He turns to me and my heart clenches.
“Well… I just… I thought you’d be happy here too,” I am confused. I thought that he’d prefer to be here instead of Michigan after everything that has happened.
“I’m just worried about my mom being there…” he trails off and I nod in understanding.
“Have you talked to her yet?”
I wonder what it was like for Mrs. Scott to be told by Collin that Chris was coming back. Was it as surreal to her as it was to me?
“No, I’ve been with Helen all day.”
I look at him unable to hide the surprise on my face. His appointment with Helen was at one, and it’s a little before eight now. “You want to see upstairs?” I ask him and he smiles, but it’s a ghost of the ones he used to have. I lead him to the back of the gallery and take the stairs to my office.
“Wow, this is really big.” He takes a seat on the dark grey sofa I purchased last week.
“Well, I set it up like this for when I have Caylen here or if I’m working late.” I try to make myself loosen up. I head to the mini fridge and grab a bottle of water. I have everything here I could need. There are two sofas, my desk, computer, television, Caylen’s toys, and my art supplies. His eyes dart around the room before landing on me.
“I can’t believe you did all of this while I was gone.” I look away from him not knowing what to say. How would I feel if I was gone and he moved on in life with someone else… actually that did happen. I push away the thoughts of Jenna.
“I’m glad.”
My eyes widen in surprise. I didn’t expect that response.
“Your life shouldn’t be at a standstill because of… us,” he says the last part begrudgingly.
“I’m tired of losing time like this, two months with you and Caylen and my family just gone…” his beautiful face is full of confusion. I walk toward him and take his hands.
“We’re going to get through this. Everything’s going to work out in the end,” I give him my most convincing smile. He looks at me with a sheepish grin on his face. Now that’s the one I remember, that’s what I miss.
“Helen said that she could help me try to remember—to not have so many lapses,” he says hesitantly. I sit beside him.
“That’d be great, Chris.”
“I just… I hate to put all of my faith in her—in any Crestfield,” he says his face darkening. I nod in complete understanding.
“But after seeing her today, I felt like there was hope. Not hope in there being a magical fix one day, but hope in the present that I can have some sort of control.” He looks me directly in the eyes, a pained expression on his face. I wrap my arm around his and rest my head on his shoulder.
“Will you come with me to my next session?” I sit up and look at him, his eyes warm.
“Of course I would,” I am unable to hide my smile. He smiles so wide I see both his dimples.
“I just know that she can’t hide things from both of us,” he laughs and I smile. Completely flattered that he’d let me in on something so difficult and personal. Collin never invited me to come to his sessions.
“Do you have office supplies up here?” he asks me and I nod pointing to the storage locker at the other side of the office. He stands up and walks quickly to it. He opens it and scans it quickly and begins pulling out items. He carries them over to where I’m sitting and lays them all out in front of me. There’s a calendar, a yellow notepad, pens, and sticky notes. He sits down beside them and looks at me.
“Before I knew about my condition, I used to keep calendars of the days I remember and the days I didn’t.” He flips to the month that we’re in and marks it.
“I need your help,” he says quietly, his voice and expression vulnerable. I swallow hard and, I take the pen and flip three months back from today.
“I think we can start from here,” I tell him with a small smile. We go over the days starting from when we found out about Lisa and his dad. I believe that was the day Collin took over. We walk our way through the calendar to when Cal came back and the day after when he became conscious again. Then we walk through the days until this morning. I promise him that any day he’s not here I’ll journal so he won’t miss a thing when it comes to me or Caylen again. I promise until he’s better I’ll make sure he doesn’t miss anything. As I look at all the days he missed—the things he won’t get to experience—the gravity of the situation—his pain, his plight— hits me like a truck and I bite my lip and demand myself to not let any tears escape.
“If anything happens to me, you promise to never forget me?” His question causes my heart to break. He gives me a playful smile, but his eyes show his fear and uncertainty.
“Why would you say that, Chris?” I gently cup his face in my hands, and I see the love in his eyes for me. He still smiles for me, and it’s playful, but his eyes give him away. “Did Helen say something to you?” I ask him and he leans back on the couch.
“No, she didn’t but… With this Collin guy appearing and him knowing so much… it’s not like I’m in a fair fight. I’m being tag-teamed and my hands are tied behind my back,” he says lightly, but I can feel the weight of his words.
“I could never forget you. I’d never choose to, and that isn’t something for you to worry about.” His eyes smile at me, and I wrap my arm around him and take in his scent, and then I feel his arms wrap around me. I ignore how hard my heart is beating and the stinging sensation in my chest because I really have no clue if there is something to worry about. What I do know is that as far apart as I once thought Cal and Chris were, with Collin added into the mix, it no longer seems as if they’re broken but shattered into pieces. What scares me is if they’ll ever be able to be put together again.
Chris
“Christopher!” My mom squeals before she’s even fully in the house. She jumps in my arms squeezing me like she did when I was a little boy. I don’t know who’s holding who tighter—me or her.
“I’m so glad to see you, my boy,” she says after I put her down. Just her being here makes me feel better—like things aren’t impossible and that I can get through anything. If she could get through cancer, I can get through this. I remind myself that I have people on my side. Even if Cal and Collin have the memories and if Helen is telling the truth that I can start to be more conscious when they try to take over—if I can stop the times I switch out—maybe I won’t need integration. I don’t believe for a second it
’s what either of them wants regardless of how impartial Collin pretends to be.
“I’m so glad to see you, mom.” I’m unable to contain the smile on my face. I shut the door behind her, and she beams at me like I’m her most prized accomplishment. She looks good— her eyes vibrant, and the warmth I’ve always known her to have is still there. I wasn’t sure if what my dad did with Lisa would put the light out.
“Wow, look at his place.”
“Not exactly my style,” I chuckle and she smiles knowingly.
“You cut your hair,” she laughs, and I rub it self-consciously.
“He was wearing a ponytail, Mom,” I mutter, and she takes off her coat.
“I like it, it looks good on you.” She puts her coat on the back of the chair.
“Do you want me to take you to your room?”
“Where is Caylen and Lauren?” she waves off my question.
“Lauren went to pick up Caylen from her friend Angela’s house. She kept her yesterday for us after Collin told Lauren that I was coming.” Her smile flattens when I say his name. “What did he say to you when he called?”
She lets out a small breath. “Collin, he’s very polite I’ll say that. Impeccable manners,” she laughs, and I can’t help but frown. “He asked me to come and assist you after your return, and I’m so glad he did. I’ve missed you so much, Chris.” She takes my hand in hers.
“I guess calling you was the one good thing he did,” I admit. Then I laugh. “Oh wait, he bought Lauren a gallery, he is amazing at his job and no one has anything bad to say about him,” I laugh bitterly. She frowns at me.
“Christopher, I won’t have anything bad to say about anyone who cooperates in keeping your life in order,” she says in a way that makes me feel like I’m five again. “How are you doing? With everything?”
“I’m dealing with it. To find out that I’m really a Crestfield and about my birth parents still doesn’t seem quite real yet,” I tell her and she grips my hand tightly. “But I’m more worried about you,” I tell her honestly. She smiles slightly.