“Learning the times table was super annoying.”
“Fear is super annoying, too, but you have to follow certain steps to reach the good stuff.”
“I really, really want to see Daddy. I miss him very badly.” Maisie paused. “Did you feel like a failure, when you ran away from us?”
“Yes. And that’s something I’ll always struggle with.” The images started up. Katie let them come, let them go. Just ones and zeros in her head. “Honey, nothing mattered to me more than you and your dad, and my voice knew that in the same way your voice knows nothing matters more than seeing your parents and meeting your new brother.”
“I don’t want to run away.”
“Then you won’t. You control your behavior, Maisie. I made the decision to run away, because I believed I had no other options. I didn’t understand what was going on in my brain. But you’ve been smart enough to tell your family, and you’re surrounded by people who will do anything to help.”
In the street, a car pulled up and the mailbox flap squeaked open. Ten years ago, the mail used to come late. Often not until six o’clock. Small changes in her old neighborhood were oddly gratifying. They proved this world was no longer hers; they proved change could be good. OCD buzzed but couldn’t get a foothold.
Katie relaxed into the beanbag, and it molded around her with a soothing squishy sound.
“Didn’t Daddy want to help you?” Maisie blinked.
“I wasn’t honest with your dad. I didn’t explain what was happening until it was too late. And then it came out wrong, and I scared him. But I’m glad you found Lilah and Baby MacD.”
“Theo,” Maisie said. “My brother’s called Theo.”
“Great name.” Katie kneaded her right shoulder where Ben had touched her, and a tension knot crunched. “And you also have Uncle Jake and me. Think of it this way: most cars have one spare tire stowed in the trunk. Not a real tire, but good enough for emergencies. And you have not one but two—Uncle Jake and me. That means you can never get stuck on a deserted road, late at night, by yourself.”
“I’ve been called many things before,” Jake said, “but never a spare tire.”
Maisie giggled.
“See how good Uncle J’s going to be at helping you with this? It’s pretty hard to be anxious when you’re laughing, right?”
“Rrright,” Maisie said.
“That’s your new job, Jake. Make Maisie laugh when she’s anxious. Are you up for the challenge?”
“Uncle J is very good at being funny,” Maisie said. “He performed magnificently as a Minion in my second-grade parents-come-to-school day.”
“You went into an elementary classroom dressed as a small yellow creature that served history’s villains?” Katie said.
“My interpretation of one. I’m impressed you got the reference.” Jake hefted Maisie onto his lap. “Callum was out of town and—”
“I needed cheering up because I was missing my dad,” Maisie said. “My friends thought Uncle J was awesome.”
“That’s because I am.” Jake grinned.
What would she have done for parents-come-to-school day? Something forgettable that involved baking too many cupcakes.
“Feel up to talking about going to the hospital?” Katie said.
“I can’t. I can’t because the voice is saying I can’t go and I shouldn’t go because I hate baby Theo, which I don’t, I don’t! I don’t hate him.” Maisie swung round to face Jake. “I don’t hate baby Theo.”
“Is this one of those times when I say once is enough?” Jake peered around Maisie.
“You’re a quick study, Jake.”
“Why, thank you, ma’am.”
“Let’s pick up that stinky voice”—Katie mimed picking up a box—“and put it aside for a moment. What do you want to do, Maisie? Not the voice, but you? Do you want to see your dad?”
“More than anything!” Maisie pumped her forearms for emphasis. “I want to see Daddy so badly it hurts, and I want to meet Theo. My family’s happening without me.”
“Good, those are the thoughts to hang on to, in the same way that I hung on to thoughts of you to drive here. As you learn to deal with the poopy OCD, you have to make a decision. Probably the hardest one you’ll ever have to make.”
“What’s that?” Maisie whispered.
“Whether or not you’re going to let the OCD behave worse than your class bully and make decisions for you.”
“No way.” Maisie slashed her hand through the air. “No way.”
“Excellent. That’s a no, then,” Katie said. “Have you ever been to a hospital?”
“She broke her arm when she was six,” Jake said quietly.
“It was super painful, and when we were in the emergency room this big man came in, and he was covered in blood and”—Maisie’s hazel eyes grew wide again—“a policeman was with him. The man—not the policeman, the other man—was wearing handcuffs. And he couldn’t stand up straight. And he smelled funny. It was very distressing.”
“He was drunk and swearing,” Jake said.
“I’d never seen a drunk man before,” Maisie said.
Katie glanced at Jake. As if reading her mind, he gave her a long, cold stare.
“ERs can be chaotic. But your mom’s staying in a quiet part of the hospital where people go to heal. I bet, at this very moment, she’s cozied up in bed watching a large flat-screen TV. And your dad’s there. And he’s going to be so happy to see you.”
“Do you think he likes the baby better than me?”
“Is that OCD asking?”
Maisie nodded; Jake stayed quiet.
“I have a suggestion, honey. And that’s all it is: a suggestion. I could take you to the hospital and arrange for your dad to meet us there. And I would promise that if, at any point, you decided you couldn’t do it, I would drive you straight home. What do you think? Do you want to try?”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you tried, that you didn’t let a bully win.”
“Score one for Maisie, zero for the voice?” Jake said.
“Exactly.” Katie smiled. “But trying to see both your baby brother and your mom might be too much. That’s a huge exposure, and you have to warm up for the big ones.”
“It would be easier if Daddy came home,” Maisie said.
“I know, sweetheart, and I’m sure he wants that, too. But he needs to be with your mom right now, and he can leave you here because you’re with Uncle Jake. One thing I know about your dad, he trusts Uncle Jake more than anyone else.” Katie sensed Jake’s eyes on her.
Maisie sat up straight. “I’ll go for Daddy. But you’ll be with me the whole time, Katie?”
“Until you’re safely delivered to your dad. How does that sound?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“And we don’t have to go today. We could go tomorrow, or the next day. You set the pace.”
“No.” Maisie leaped up and put her hands on her hips. “I don’t think I can put it off.”
“Now or never?” Jake said.
Biting her lip, Maisie gave a single, exaggerated nod.
“In that case, we’ll need to think up a fun treat for afterward,” Katie said. “A reward. How about we go get your nails painted at the mall?”
“Gosh, no. My dad says I can’t wear nail polish until I’m twelve.”
“If you can find the courage to go inside the hospital and visit your mom, that proves you have the heart of a twelve-year-old. And Uncle Jake and I will petition your dad for nail polish. How does that sound?”
“You’re on.” Maisie disappeared to find her shoes.
“Impressive,” Jake said.
“What Maisie’s about to do is harder than bungee jumping off a cliff without the cord. Maybe all we do today is drive into the parking lot and walk to the main entrance. And then the next day, we go back and get inside the lobby. And we keep doing that every day until we get to Lilah’s room.”
“I see how this works,” Jake said. “Baby steps. You need me to ride shotgun?”
She shook her head. “I’ve got this, and I think you need a break. OCD isn’t for sissies.”
“You calling me a sissy?”
“No, I’m giving you another lesson: take breaks when you can.”
“Thanks. ’Cause I feel as if I’ve been skinny-dipping with snapping turtles. And oh, Lordy”—he tossed out an expression that reminded her of Robin Williams playing Mrs. Doubtfire—“you know how much I value my body parts.”
With a twinkle in his eye, Jake cupped his groin, and Katie started to laugh.
THIRTY-SIX
MAISIE
Maisie’s chest was tight and fizzy and full of bubbles. If she had X-ray vision and could see inside herself, would her chest look like a bubbly science experiment? Not bubbly in a good way, with bubble bath or bubbles that caught rainbows. Bubbly like that video she’d seen once of acid. Why did Katie always tell her she was brave? She was only brave for other people, like Ava Grace and Ellie and Daddy. She couldn’t be brave for herself. What if her legs gave out and her heart stopped beating right here in the hospital parking deck?
She inched closer to Katie, who was checking her phone. It was so hot and so dark and she felt all tingly and shaky and her clothes were too tight and, gosh, the concrete ceiling was far too low. Would it collapse on her and Katie and flatten them? Did they have earthquakes in Raleigh? She grabbed Katie’s hand. What if the voice was right and Theo and Lilah would die because she’d come to the hospital, and what if—
“Your dad says he can’t wait to see you.” Katie frowned as she read the text. “And . . . he’s typing something else.” Katie looked up with a grin. “He loves you.”
Why wasn’t he here in the parking deck? Why did they have to go inside? Why couldn’t he come out here and take her home? “W-where’s he going to meet us?”
“In your mom’s room. I’ve already figured out the route, so we can’t get lost; but right now, we have a simple goal. We’re going to walk through the parking deck and out into the sunshine. Does that sound like a good plan—to get out of this place that’s making me claustrophobic?”
Claustrophobic! That was the word she’d been trying to remember. As they walked toward the daylight, Maisie repeated claustrophobic again and again in her head.
A shuttle came toward them going very slowly. It was like the shuttles that helped old and sick people get to their gates inside an airport. Sick people. There would be lots of sick people inside a hospital. Lots of germs. Would she catch Zika and die? Had there been any cases of Zika in Raleigh? What exactly had Ellie’s dad said about that?
A car alarm went off behind them, and Maisie jumped.
“The alarm will stop in a minute,” Katie said. It did. “You’re doing great, Maisie, and look. We’re out of that horrible structure.” Katie’s voice was as tranquil—Such a good word!—as the water in the pool when it opened every Saturday, right before people started splashing and making waves. Uncle J said sunlight made him tranquil.
Maisie raised her face to the sun, eyes tightly shut. Even Parker knew that looking at the sun could make you go blind. Everything was orange and warm. Did this make her feel better? Not really. She opened her eyes and turned to the huge building opposite. A sleeping giant made of concrete and glass. If she didn’t go inside the hospital, she would let her daddy down, but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Katie said.
Maisie nodded.
“When I was your age, I hated hospitals. I’m still not crazy about them, but who is?” Katie had the best smile. “Do you know what helps me get inside a hospital?”
Maisie shook her head.
“I practice magical breathing. Shall we do that? Slow everything down and breathe. Can you do that for me, sweetheart?”
Maisie chewed her lip. Why hadn’t she brought Lulabelle? She watched the woman who had named her stuffed rabbit. It was one of the few things her dad had ever told her about her real mom. Now, her real mom was here and breathing funny and using her finger to count beats like the conductor in the school band. You had to learn an instrument in fifth grade, so she had chosen the trumpet because Uncle J once played the trumpet and he said it was cool and she really, really wanted to be in the school band, and maybe she’d do band in sixth grade out of choice, and—
“Maisie, honey, are you with me?”
Maisie shook her head hard, hard enough for it to fall off, if she were silly enough to believe a head could fall off from shaking, but you never knew, because they said bad things happened to babies when you shook them and—oh, gosh, Theo. Was something bad going to happen to Theo?
“Can we go home now?”
“How about we try this magical breathing once. Once is easy peasy. You’ve done so well to get this far. Slow everything down and breathe. Nothing else matters but the breath. Take a nice big breath in through your nose, hold, out through your mouth. Let’s do it together. On the count of—”
Don’t say three, don’t say—
“Four. I’m quite partial to the number four.”
“Me too!”
“CAM high five!” Katie said and held up her hand.
The voice, that big, fat bully, told her she was a failure for pulling out of the docent program. But did the CAM show count, since she couldn’t have gone anyway, with Lilah and Theo in the hospital?
“Let’s do this breathing,” Katie said. “You’ve got to pay attention, though, and clear your mind of everything but the breathing. Can you do that?”
“I’m not sure.” But she tried to focus and listen and follow Katie’s lead.
They stayed put for a very long time.
“Great job,” Katie said. “And now we’re going to take the pedestrian crossing to the other side of the road and keep doing the breathing. That’s all. Breathe and walk. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it?”
“Nooo. Not so bad.”
Breathe and walk; breathe and walk. Over the pedestrian crossing and up the hill. Maisie kept her eyes on her feet, on the concrete slabs, on avoiding the cracks.
“Ta-da!” Katie said. “We’ve made it to the entrance. That’s four whole things off our list: we left home, we drove here, we parked, we arrived at the entrance. The number four rocks!”
The huge glass door in front of them moved in a slow circle. People came out and went in, and Maisie clung tighter to Katie’s hand. Katie sighed, but it seemed to be a happy sigh.
“Together, we’ve got this.” Katie leaned in to whisper. “And I’m right here. Now we’re going inside the lobby, which is big and bright. There’s even a little garden we can go and sit in, if you want to.”
A garden sounded quite nice actually.
The moving door seemed to swallow them, but Katie was right. The lobby was very light. The ceiling was super high and made of glass, so the sun streamed in. And it created a nice, even pattern of shadows on the floor, but the smell? Eeek. The smell was worse than the disinfectant in the school bathrooms on a Monday morning. And there were so many people, but none of them looked very happy. Even the man carrying the humongous bunch of balloons looked sad.
Katie glanced up, checking signs. Didn’t she know where they were going? If she didn’t, they would get lost. And lost was very, very bad. What if Katie didn’t know where they were going and they got lost and she never saw her dad again?
Please don’t let me cry, please let me be strong for Daddy.
Lilah and Theo are going to die, die because I didn’t bring them balloons.
She stopped, and so did Katie. “Maybe we should leave and come back with balloons. Do you think we should? Get them balloons?”
“Is this a voice thing?” Katie said.
“Yes.”
An announcement filled the space. A very loud announcement that hurt her ears. “Adult rapid response team for oncology. Cancer Center. Room 4841.”
The
message repeated. Paused. Repeated. Maisie let go of Katie’s hand. No! Maisie covered her ears. Too loud, too loud. Someone was sick, very sick. A medical emergency in the cancer hospital. Where was that—nearby? Were people dying right now, in this place? Would she get cancer and die?
Katie wrapped her in a huge, warm hug. She smelled of shampoo and buttery croissants. Chocolate croissants were the best. Maisie hid her face in Katie’s super soft top.
“Blah, blah, blah, blah,” Katie said. “Every time you hear an announcement, sing, ‘Blah, blah, blah, blah, I’m not listening.’”
Katie’s phone vibrated against Maisie’s back, and Katie wiggled around to read it.
“That was your dad. He’s waiting for us by the elevator.”
Elevator? No one had mentioned an elevator. Maisie pulled back. “I prefer not to use elevators. They get stuck.”
“Do you know that hospital elevators are the safest?”
“Why?”
“They don’t want sick people getting stuck.”
But how did Katie know that? Did she one-hundred-percent-to-infinity-and-beyond know that? Could Katie prove her argument, as Daddy always did?
Katie slipped her phone into her pocket and took Maisie’s hand again.
Another announcement filled the lobby. “Code medic to the terrace café, first floor, Children’s Hospital.” Pause. “Code medic to the terrace café, first floor, Children’s Hospital.”
“I want Daddy.”
Katie pointed at the elevator. “He’s on the other side. Only two floors up.”
“Can’t do this, can’t.”
“What if your dad came down here?”
Yes, Daddy! Maisie nodded.
Katie pulled back her hand and typed fast. They both stared at the screen.
“He’s on his way!” Katie said. “He’ll be here in two secs.”
Maisie rubbed her eye. She didn’t want her dad to see her cry. She wanted to be strong, show him how strong she could be. But they’d never been apart this long and she really, really wanted her daddy. She chewed her lip.
The elevator doors opened and—“Daddy! Daddy! You have a beard!” She giggled and he rubbed his face against hers. “It’s all prickly. And you smell like the hospital!”
The Promise Between Us Page 27