My hands were frozen in a claw-like position over the keyboard and mouse. I was afraid to click on the picture and enlarge it, paranoid that whoever this woman was would know I was secretly stalking her page. A thousand and one things ran through my mind all at once. Did they take that picture before we got locked up? Was he cheating on me with this woman? If so how long had it been going on? My finger was unmoving above the mouse; my heart thudded loudly in my ears drowning out everything around me. Click that shit. Just do it.
“Yooooo, you Church Girl, right?”
I physically jumped and probably even died for a half a second from fright as someone grabbed the back of my chair and swiveled me around. The room flew by in a quick blur. I could feel all the blood physically drain from my face in panic as I sat facing five Hispanic women I’d never seen before.
“They said cha ass was mute or some shit, but I don’t believe dat. Nah, I think if chu know waz good, chu gonna talk to us.”
The woman speaking was short, squat, and box shaped. A white bandana held her hair back from her round face, making her penciled-in black eyebrows and lip liner stand out starkly against her olive skin. I glanced around nervously looking for the guard who was at the desk, but of course she’d miraculously done the unthinkable and vanished.
“Okay. Wh . . . what would you like to discuss?” I sounded like a straight-up punk; my voice was small and shaky.
A smug smile spread across her face and she nodded to a tall, thin chick behind her. It happened so fast I didn’t have a chance to blink, swallow, or even recite the Lord’s Prayer. Someone grabbed me up from the chair and pinned my arms behind my back. A rough, callused hand slammed across my forehead, craning my head back, fully exposing my neck.
The one who had been speaking all this time walked up to me and held up a small blade. Cross-eyed, I tried to stare down my nose to focus on it, scared if I took my eyes off of it I’d feel it in my ribs or running across my throat. My neck muscles were constricting painfully from the awkward placement of my head. She came up to me as if she were going to give me a hug and placed her cheek right up against mine. Stale cigarettes and cheap body spray filled my nose as the tip of the blade barely touched the side of my throat. Her voice hissed into my ear like a snake that’d learned to speak broken English.
“Ssssoo, Church Girl, one quesssstion, one anssssswer. Chu kill Antonia?” she asked, pressing the shank hard into my neck, and I winced, certain it was drawing blood. She then turned her head, placing her ear almost directly on my lips, waiting for me to reply.
“She did it, Janisa, she know she did. Just slice her ass up like she deserve.” The girl holding me provoked my interrogator in an angry whisper.
Bite it! Bite the bitch’s ear off! Slam the bitch behind you into the desk so she lets go and grab the shank while the other one’s squealing in pain. Stab anyone who stands between you and that door!
“No.” My whispered response was directed more toward this inner demon I’d somehow manifested. It seemed to love bloodshed, reveled in revenge, made me think of the most ungodly ways to handle situations.
“Oh. ‘No,’ she says.” She turned to the other women and shrugged, they all started laughing. I didn’t get the joke.
“According to her, I guess Antonia just died on her own. Wid no one in the cell wid her but dis bitch.”
The girl holding my limbs hostage laughed, tightening her grip even more painfully. Hell, any tighter and I wouldn’t have to worry about being shanked; my neck would probably snap.
“I didn’t kill her.” It was a pitiful attempt to save my life. I began to silently pray and ask God’s forgiveness for everything I’d ever done. It was becoming obvious that they didn’t care what I said.
You should have done what you had to do to keep your ass alive. Survival is all about fear and the strength of fear. Animals do it all the time. They camouflage themselves to look like something their predator will fear. Tell them you did it. Make these bitches fear your ass! Lie, make up a lie. Tell them you’d kill them all if you got the chance. You could do it, you’ve already done it!
I tried to shake the little voice that belonged to my inner demon out of my head. I guessed we all had it; some people just called it their conscience. Whatever it was, the only difference between me and these women was the fact that I refused to let my bloodthirsty inner demon control me, and they gave in to theirs every time.
The one with the blade turned back to me, her face contorted in anger at me speaking without being spoken to. She stormed over and punched me in the stomach with everything she had. The air whooshed from my lungs and the feeling of wanting to vomit and pass out at the same time took hold of my body. The girl behind me struggled to keep me on my feet as my body felt like collapsing in on itself from the pain. I’d never been hit before and definitely not that hard.
I was pulled roughly back up onto my feet and Janisa closed in for round two. A cold sweat was running down my neck and torso. I could feel the cotton fabric of my uniform sticking to my skin. Fighting back waves of nausea I tried to focus on Janisa as she closed the distance between us.
“I’ll ask you one more time, Church Girl, did you—”
It happened so fast I had no idea how or why. Janisa fell away from me, a horrified scream frozen on her lips. She reminded me of the reaction my daughter had the first time she scraped her knee. There were a few moments where no sound came out, as tears slowly slid down her face. The sound caught up with her actions as if in slow motion as her scream pierced the air. It was all in a matter of seconds but everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. My captor released me in shock and I could hear her bump into the computer desk as she backed away from me.
The warm, rubbery portion of Janisa’s ear flew from my mouth as I spat it toward the girl closest to her. She jumped back in terror and I smiled at her reaction, not realizing it made me look damn near insane. Janisa’s blood was running down my chin and I could taste its metallic, coppery presence in my mouth, coating my teeth. Lord, I’d better not get hepatitis or something from this. Turning to the girl behind me, my intent was to gnaw my way through every last one of their asses and I lunged for her. I didn’t expect her to react as quickly as she did. She kicked to fend off my attack, hitting me in the stomach.
“What the hell is going on in here?”
Crashing to the cold, hard tile floor never felt so good. I tried to catch my breath before glancing up to see who’d come into the room and saved my life. It was a white male officer; he didn’t look familiar. The Latinas all quietly scurried out the door like a herd of panicked deer. Janisa ran past him, hiding her injury. The female CO who was on duty walked in past him with her head down. She shot me an angry glance out the corner of her eye before plopping back down at her post behind the check-in desk. The white officer calmly walked over and helped me to my feet. “You okay?” he asked while brushing imaginary dirt off my arm.
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“Um, you’re bleeding. We need to get you to the infirmary,” he stated, his expression showing genuine concern.
“It’s not my blood,” I replied coldly and began wiping the blood from my mouth on the front of my white shirt.
“Well, are you Evaline De . . . De . . .” He hesitated, trying to get my last name out.
I hated when people messed up my last name. They always did. You’d think I’d have gotten used to it by now. I interrupted him before he could butcher it any further. “You say the first part like déjà in the phrase déjà vu, and just add ‘ardin’ to the end of that. Yes, I’m Evaline Desjardin; just call me Eva.” I smiled weakly, my stomach still sending sparks of pain through my body if I inhaled too deeply.
“Well okay, Eva. I’m from the main office downstairs. Your probation has been approved and you are free to go, under certain restrictions of course. We need to get your clothes and belongings from processing so you can be on your way. I’ll act like what I just saw never happened.”
I stood there momentarily dazed, certain the Latinas had murdered me. My body was probably lying dead on the floor and I was floating above it. This had to be God’s humorous way of ushering me up to heaven. Dumbfounded, I just stood there shaking from head to toe in disbelief, scared my legs would give out on me if I moved. I felt like laughing, crying, and hugging this angel who’d just saved my life in more ways than one.
“How did it get approved? Who put me in, I didn’t do anything or—”
He cut me off before I could continue, giving me a look that pretty much said to shut the hell up and go. “I don’t do the fine details, ma’am. I just fetch and deliver.” He nodded toward the door and I smiled my first genuine all-teeth-and-gums smile since being in prison.
The question still loomed out there. There was no way Brother Hall could have responded to my message that quickly or, maybe, he could have. God’s works aren’t made for our understanding; He only requires our cooperation.
Chapter 35
Eva Deleted Delete Delet Dele Del De D But Not Dead
I stared down into the bin that contained the only remnants of my life, feeling somewhat apprehensive about touching them let alone putting them on. The last time those clothes were on my body I was in a cold sweat, standing before a judge and a jury of my peers as they read my conviction and sentencing. Doom and gloom were the best words I could find to describe the gray and black pinstriped pant suit in front of me. Nothing good came from the last time I’d worn it and my stomach knotted at the thought of wearing it now.
My heart skipped a beat at the sight of my cell phone. Holding it in my hand made the realization of what was about to happen sink in. Joyful tears filled my eyes at the thought of being able to call who I wanted when I wanted to. Finally, I’d be able to sleep peacefully and have my baby girl back where she belonged.
A glimmer caught my eye and I felt instant unease at the sight of my engagement ring. I’d valued it so much that I’d checked it in out of fear of someone stealing it and now it was all but worthless to me. The four-carat princess-cut diamond twinkled at me, mocking me. It was a harsh reality check.
“You ready, Eva?”
Officer James, the man who saved me from Janisa and her hoard, appeared outside my cell door. My hands were ice-cold and clammy nubs as I tried to smooth my hair back into a wild, puffy ponytail. My ass needed a perm as soon as possible and some new clothes. The ones I had on were hanging loosely on my body, making it apparent that I’d lost a lot of weight.
I finally nodded, giving Officer James a polite smile. “Yes, sir, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
He escorted me down the cell block and for the first time ever it was eerily silent. I could almost feel the hatred and envy like tiny pins in my skin from the eyes that followed me as I was led out. The only two people I felt bad about leaving, Say and Milan, were housed in a different unit. I made a mental note to send them letters and care packages for as long as they were in here.
Everything felt surreal as I stood in the small corridor at the main gate waiting for it to open. Fear crept up on me like a silent little monster. It scrambled up my ankle, and made goose bumps rise on my skin as it traveled up my body in anxious shivers until it had planted itself on my shoulder to whisper doubts in my ear.
What will you do now? Where will you go? You don’t have anything or anyone now.
Grinding my teeth and stiffening my spine, I narrowed my eyes in determination. I’ll do whatever the hell I have to in order to find Jada and Dontay. Nothing can be worse than what I’ve already been through.
I stared into the rusted steel of the gate’s bars visibly jumping when they opened with a loud clank. The short walk past the security point toward the doors that led outside seemed to take years. I wanted to break into a run and fling myself outside but I somehow managed to keep the wings that were dying to sprout from my feet under control.
The doors slowly opened automatically and I was hit with a humid gust of hot air as I stepped outside into a dreary, rainy August afternoon. Raising my face toward the sky I welcomed the cool, misty rain, taking in deep breaths of fresh, free air. I wanted to erase the smell of prison from my memory as quickly as possible. The scent of bleach, metal, and misery clung to my skin and clothes like cigarette smoke in an old jacket. I visualized it seeping out of my pores with every breath I took.
“Eva?” Someone quietly spoke my name.
My eyes snapped open and standing right in front of me was Bishop Tisdale. He was head of my church and had been the closest thing I’d had to a father figure since Deacon managed to fuck up my childhood.
“It’s me,” I confirmed, smiling as tears of gratitude spilled down my face. He looked exactly the same as I remembered as his face broke into a wide grin. His chubby cheeks looked a little fatter and his mustache was cut with razor-sharp precision. He had a graying goatee last time I’d seen him; it was gone now putting the deep dimple in his chin on prominent display. He pulled me into a tight hug and I couldn’t help but notice how fat his belly had gotten.
Look like somebody been eating good; church folk couldn’t send any money but they’re obviously still contributing to that building fund. The only thing that fund building is Bishop’s relationship with the Cadillac dealership.
Shut up! Shut up! I mentally struggled trying to get my negative, mean thoughts under control.
“Eva, I got a call from Brother Hall saying someone was either playing with him or your spirit had contacted him asking for help. The next day I call and they’re saying to be here at two-thirty to pick you up.” Bishop began walking toward a pristine black Cadillac XTS and I would have laughed if my mind weren’t still reeling from what he’d said.
“Bishop, what do you mean by my spirit?” I asked, giving him a puzzled look across the roof of the car as he unlocked the door.
He gave me a nervous smile before answering, “Um, Eva, if you don’t mind riding in the back. Only the missus sits in the passenger seat.” He’d taken on the dignified tone that he used to address the congregation during services.
He’s lying, he don’t want you up front because he’s probably scared to be too close to you.
Smiling sweetly I ignored my thoughts. “Sure, Bishop, the back seat is fine by me; just get me away from here as quickly as possible.”
The air conditioning came out of the vents in a blast of cool new-car-smelling air and I resisted the urge to ask him to turn it off. It had to be close to eighty degrees out and he would probably combust in his full three-piece suit. I’d had enough recycled air to last me a lifetime; all I really wanted was to feel and breathe in fresh air.
“The reason I referred to your spirit is because we’d been told you’d passed on. That you hung yourself after the sentence.” Bishop Tisdale’s voice boomed over the gospel song playing on the radio. It was a live choir singing “Order My Steps.”
I frowned; the old-school choir sound was not one of my favorites. It reminded me too much of being forced through service after service just about every other day when I lived with my parents. Bishop’s shocking information combined with the choir music created an arrow that shot itself into my temple in the form of an instant headache.
Pressing my fingers to my temples I rubbed them slowly. “Bishop, who the fuck said . . . I’m sorry.” Bishop frowned disapprovingly back at me through the rearview mirror. “Bishop, would you mind turning down the music? I can’t think. I just need quiet. And, who told you that I’d killed myself? Why would someone say that?”
“Child, the Lord’s music is the best thing for that headache. It’s probably just spirits coming up out of you. Your parents told us that you’d passed on. We held a service and everything. They tried to get your daughter but she’d already been taken by child protective services right around the same time that your house went up for auction. You can stay with me and Mirna until you get yourself together; we already prayed over it.”
My body and mind felt as if they were both going to colla
pse from the weight of everything he’d said. Why in the world would my parents tell people something like that? Lord knows how many times I’d tried to call them collect and they wouldn’t accept the charges after hearing me speak my name. My house, my baby, everything was taken away from me and I didn’t do anything to deserve it.
Someone somewhere had decided to click on my life as if it were no different than a file in a directory and hit the delete button.
Chapter 36
Eva Opportunity Quietly Knocks but Trouble Always Seems to Let Itself In
The bishop’s house looked somewhat similar to a small three-story palace. It was surrounded by huge oak trees that towered above it, shading the yard. Two large pillars framed the entrance to the front door and the enormous window that sat high above it displayed a large shimmering chandelier. Stark white gravel crunched loudly under the Cadillac’s tires as we pulled up the driveway and into a massive four-car garage. We parked in between a dark green Jaguar and a white Audi convertible.
I quietly followed the bishop toward the door that led into the house. I felt like a misplaced drifter going to someone else’s home and having to use someone else’s things. We entered through a pantry and into a beautiful oversized kitchen. A large yellow bowl stood out in stark contrast against the black marble countertop. It was filled to the brim with Asian pears, apples, and oranges. As badly as I wanted one, I couldn’t bring myself to ask. There was no way I’d go from being told when and where to do everything to being released and still having to ask permission for even the simplest things.
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