by Rhonda Bowen
He let out a deep, frustrated breath. “You keep throwing up walls every time someone wants to help you. Why won’t you let anyone in?”
She narrowed her eyes. “You mean why won’t I let you in. Right?”
“Don’t make this about me, Toni.”
“Look.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I’m really tired. Maybe you should go.”
He stared at her for a long moment, then shook his head. “I don’t get why you’re fighting this so much.” Confusion etched his voice. “Why do you so badly want to fix yourself on your own?”
“It’s the only way I know how,” she said.
“That doesn’t mean it’s the way it has to be,” he said sadly.
“Adam.”
He sighed and stood to his feet. “Okay. I’m going.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Take care of yourself.”
As soon as she heard the door close behind him she felt a wave of weariness sweep over her. She curled her legs up under herself and closed her eyes, hoping that it would stop the tears that she felt coming again.
“Hey, you okay?” Camille asked from somewhere above her head.
With Adam crawling way up into that space inside her that she thought she had sealed off, how could she be? What he thought wasn’t supposed to matter that much to her. But it did. And now she found herself wondering if he had been right about her needing someone else’s help.
Toni sighed and opened her eyes. “No,” she said tiredly. “And I think I’d like to go back to bed now.”
Chapter 16
“You sure you okay? I mean, I know I was on you to come today, but if you’re still not a hundred percent ...”
“I’m fine,” Toni assured Jerome, as she walked up the steps to Immanuel Temple, her arm looped inside his. It was the middle of summer and over a week had passed since she had gotten home from the hospital. And despite a little residual weakness, she was starting to feel like herself again.
“Get me a seat in the back, and I’ll be good to go. Just make sure that whatever you dragged me here to see is good. I don’t come to church for just anybody.”
“Don’t worry,” Jerome said with a grin. “It’ll be good—I promise.”
Toni gave him a doubtful look, but still let him lead her past the smattering of people in the lobby and into the church sanctuary. It was already pretty full, but they managed to find a couple seats near the aisle in the second to last row.
After Jerome made sure she was seated, he turned to leave.
“What? You’re not sitting with me?” Toni asked, not necessarily wanting to do her first day back to church on her own.
“Nah,” Jerome said with a mischievous smile. “If I sit with you, then you won’t see the surprise.”
She opened her mouth to protest, but he was gone before she could think of anything to say. She shook her head and slumped back in her seat. They were at the break in the program between the Bible study and the main service. She could see people making their way back to their seats from the outside, and watched the sound team setting up the microphones on stage for praise and worship. As she watched the band set up she couldn’t help but smile. Even though she had been gone for a while, things still seemed the same.
“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”
Toni looked up and smiled. “Yes, but I was saving it for you.”
Trey grinned as he slipped into the pew with Toni. He reached across and pulled her into a bear hug. “I’m so glad you’re here, baby sis.” The brightness in Trey’s eyes echoed his words. “Is this the post-near-death-experience church visit?”
Toni rolled her eyes. “No, this is the Jerome-wouldn’t-quit-bugging-me-to-come church visit. Apparently there is some surprise I need to see. Do you know anything about that?”
Trey made a zipping motion across his mouth. “My lips are sealed.”
She rolled her eyes again, but leaned against her brother’s shoulder as she turned back to the front. The full worship team was now on stage and about to start. Though there were quite a few new faces, Toni still recognized a couple of people from the days when she used to sing in the choir. Back then Toni’s mother was the choir director and she would have the whole church up and on their feet from the first song. No one could rock the house like Alexandra Shields.
“Isn’t it crazy how everything is the same as it was all those years ago?” she whispered to Trey. “Doesn’t anyone ever leave this place? Move to another city? Switch churches?”
Trey shrugged. “Why would you do that if you’re happy with where you are? This place is like family. Everyone here feels like they belong, like they’re needed—and they are. That’s why no one leaves.”
Toni nodded but said nothing. It must be nice to feel like that, she reflected. Like you belong somewhere, and you are important to someone’s life.
As if hearing her thoughts, Trey leaned over and whispered, “You know, even though you’ve been gone for a while, you still belong here. People still feel like you’re family. While you were in the hospital there were a lot of people here praying for you.”
Toni looked up at Trey. He nodded to confirm that everything he said was true.
“Don’t believe me? It’s right here.”
Trey flipped through his Bible and pulled out a church bulletin—the one from the week before. He scanned it for a second, then handed it to Toni, pointing to the inside cover where there was a list of persons for special prayer. A lump formed in Toni’s throat as she saw her name printed there in block letters. She ran her finger over it slowly. When she removed her finger, it was still there.
Memories of her childhood stole into her mind. People said you couldn’t remember anything before the age of five. But Toni remembered kneeling by her bed with her mother’s arms around hers, her hands clasped on top of hers, praying for her, praying with her, praying over her. It gave a new meaning to the idea of being covered in prayer. But with her mother gone, she had thought there was no one covering her anymore. Apparently she had been wrong.
She stared at the sheet for a long time before looking up at Trey. “Can I keep this?” she asked hoarsely.
He nodded, then reached for her hand, squeezing it tightly. Toni let out a deep breath. She didn’t know she would miss this. It was almost as if being there, being in the church, had reminded her of something she hadn’t known was missing. She felt happy and sad all at the same time. She blinked her eyes rapidly to keep from crying.
The praise team began singing and one by one members of the congregation began to get on their feet to join in. Trey was one of them. Toni was glad, however, to remain seated and just observe. The last time she was in church was years ago, when she was much younger. It was funny the things she noticed now—things she had not noticed then. Like the way people responded to the music and singing. Some of them swayed with the music, others stood still with their hands lifted to the ceiling, tears rolling down their faces. It was like they had forgotten everything else around them and were in a different place.
Even Trey stood singing with his eyes closed. Toni’s eyes widened a little. Her brother was never one to show emotion in public. It was clear he was moved by what was happening. But Toni just felt disconnected. They were singing about a God who loved them, who did great miracles, and there was none like Him. And a part of Toni ached to let herself be swept away with that conviction. But she couldn’t. There had been no miracle for her parents when they needed it. There had been none for her when she was struggling afterward. She’d had to pull through that mess on her own. How could a God who loved her leave her alone like that?
She slumped lower in her seat and distracted herself with her iPhone, waiting for the service to be over. After all, she only came for Jerome.
A few moments later, however, Trey nudged her gently with his shoulder. He nodded toward the front. She looked up and saw Jerome walking across the platform.
“What’s he doing?” Toni whispered.
Trey raised a finger to his lips and
shushed her. “Just watch.” Toni’s eyes followed Jerome, and widened in surprise when he sat down at the piano. Her mouth fell open when beautiful music flowed from the ivory keys, and Jerome’s mellow voice drifted through the speakers. Her eyes stayed glued to him as he played and sang. She would never have guessed that the bandana-wearing, high-top rocking, stinky-attitude-giving boy she had grown to love the past few months had a hidden musical talent. And it truly was a gift, for Jerome’s playing and singing was good. Very good.
He sang Smokie Norful’s “I Need You Now” and played the song like it was his. But it wasn’t his skill that had people getting to their feet and raising their hands. It was his heart. Even Toni felt her own eyes moisten as she listened to the intensity in Jerome’s voice. She had never seen him like this, and instinctively she knew he wasn’t faking it. How could this kid who had been through so much, have so much faith in a God who, by all accounts, had seemed to let him down?
When he had finally played the last note and walked away, Toni could barely speak, for fear that one word would send the unshed tears rolling down her cheeks. Instead of lifting her spirits, Jerome’s surprise had left her hollow and empty, making her even more aware of the vacuum inside her. She felt her brother reach across and close his hand around hers. She closed her eyes and let the tears cascade down her cheeks.
The rest of the service went by in a blur. When it was over Toni escaped to the bathroom and locked herself in a stall. She crouched down in the small space and put her head between her knees, taking deep breath after deep breath. Nothing seemed to slow her racing heart.
“Get it together, girl. It’s not that serious. You’re just here for a visit.” But somehow her whispered pep talk didn’t work and her tears took the last of her makeup with them as they drenched her cheeks.
She didn’t know how long she stayed hidden in the stall bawling her eyes out. It was at least a good ten minutes after the last visitor left the restroom. That was fine with her anyway. She didn’t really want to talk to anyone.
She splashed some cold water on her face and attempted to fix her raccoon eyes, then slipped back inside the almost empty sanctuary and headed toward the exit. Toni noticed that the crowd had pretty much cleared out. In fact there was only one car in the back parking lot.
Adam’s.
He was standing on the steps and she could tell he was waiting for her.
“Hey.” He shifted his weight from one leg to the other.
“Hey,” she echoed back.
“Jerome told me he saw you duck into the restroom, so I figured I would stick around and see if you needed a ride,” he said. “Everyone’s having lunch at the house.”
Toni nodded and followed him to the car. The tension between them was so thick, it was making her claustrophobic. By the time he closed her door and got in on the driver’s side, she could barely stand it.
“I’m sorry about the way I went off on you... .”
“I didn’t mean to upset you... .”
They both stopped speaking, then laughed as they realized they had started to apologize at the same time.
Adam let out a breath he seemed to have been holding. “So I guess you’re not mad at me anymore,” he said with a grin.
Toni smiled back, relieved that the unease had disappeared. “Yeah,” Toni said with a smirk. “For now anyway.”
“Good,” Adam said. “ ’Cause no one else will let me pick a fight with them.”
Toni laughed.
“So what was it like for you, being back here?” he asked as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.
“Scary,” Toni said with a sigh.
He nodded. “That’s a start.”
She looked over at him, noting his strong profile, the cleft in his chin and the way the sun bounced off the angles in his face. She found it hard to look away.
“Thanks for waiting for me,” she said after a long moment.
She reached out and squeezed his hand, which lay on the armrest between them, before folding her hands in her lap.
He kept his eyes on the road but smiled.
“Anytime.”
The sun had just begun to dip below the horizon when Toni stepped through the back doors of her office building. She let out a tired sigh. She ended up clocking in a full workday on Sunday because she knew it was the only day that Naomi wouldn’t be there to send her home. She felt fine and more than ready to get back to work. But for some reason, no one was buying it.
She walked the few feet to Trey’s car leisurely. He had confiscated her motorcycle until she was better, and left her with his Neon as a consolation. It was nothing like her Honda CBR, but it would have to do.
Her stomach growled, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten in a while. She flipped out her phone and dialed the first number that came to mind. Camille answered on the first ring.
“Hey, girl, what you up to?” Toni asked, as she dug through her purse for the car keys while balancing the phone.
“I was just about to sit down to eat,” Camille said. Toni could hear her friend moving around pots and dishes in the background. Her stomach growled again.
“What’s on the menu?”
“Chicken, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, red beans and rice ...”
“Oh, girl, hold that thought,” Toni said, jumping into the car and turning the engine. “I’m coming over.”
“Well, you better get here quick,” Camille said distractedly. “ ’Cause I’m starving and I don’t know how long I can wait on your late-for-everything behind.”
“Whatever,” Toni said. “I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”
She made it to Camille’s place in twenty.
“Okay, so which man you got coming over?” Toni asked after she greeted her friend and stepped inside. “I know you didn’t make all that food for just you.”
“Girl, please,” Camille said. “You should know me better than that. I don’t need a reason to get going in the kitchen. I just felt in the mood to cook—lucky for you.”
“You got that right,” Toni said. “I was not trying to go home and cook anything this evening.” She followed Camille through the apartment to the kitchen. “You have a nice place,” she added, looking around.
Camille lived in a complete basement apartment near Powder Springs, west of Atlanta. With its own kitchen, laundry, and separate entrance, it was fully independent of the home above it. Camille had decorated the place nicely in bright blues and pale yellows that gave a feel of more light than there actually was.
“Thanks,” Camille said, placing a large dish of food in front of Toni before sitting down at the small glass table herself.
Toni laughed. “You already made a plate for me?”
“I told you I was hungry, didn’t I?” Camille said, an eyebrow raised.
They bowed their heads as Camille said a quick grace before digging in. It was a few moments before either of them spoke again.
“So where were you coming from anyway?” Camille asked after a few bites.
“Work,” Toni said, taking a mouthful of Camille’s macaroni and cheese. She closed her eyes. It was amazing. She was coming over here every Sunday from now on. “I was going stir crazy in my apartment.”
Camille laughed. “You know Trey, Jasmine, your doctor, and your boss would kill you if they knew, right?”
“Yeah,” Toni said, letting out a long breath. “But I’m not trying to be up under any of them. Especially Trey and Jasmine, who are turning cartwheels about me going to church. They think God is going to be the solution to all my problems.”
“And you think differently?” Camille asked.
Toni bit her lip. “I think it’s more complicated than that.”
Camille shrugged. “Of course it is. But you’ve been through a lot, Toni. And if I know you like I think I do, you probably think you can handle it all on your own.”
Toni pushed the food around on her plate but said nothing.
“But if ten year
s has taught you anything, it should be that you can’t heal yourself. The only one who can bring you out of this is God.”
Toni frowned. She felt like she was having the same conversation over and over. First with Adam. Now with Camille.
“You don’t know what it was like, Camille,” Toni said, putting down her fork. “When I was in that house with the bodies of my parents I felt like I was alone. I thought I was going to die. I remember thinking about God as I lay at the bottom of the steps in the basement bleeding and wondering where He was.”
Camille reached a hand across and grabbed Toni’s. “He was there, girl. Right on the floor with you.
“ ‘The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’ That’s Psalms 34:18. And in Hebrews where it tells us Jesus is our high priest, it also says we do not have a priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses.”
She squeezed Toni’s hand. “Everything we could possibly go through He’s been through. And every time we go through something He is there with us. That’s why we need Him, ’cause can’t nobody else say that. And even if they can, they have no power to help us.”
Toni pulled away from her friend’s grasp. “I’ll be fine, Camille. I’ll get through this.”
“And then what?” Camille asked.
Toni looked up at her friend in surprise.
“Okay,” Camille said, sitting back. “Let’s say you get it together on your own. It’s unlikely, but let’s say you do. You deal with all your issues. What happens after that?”
Toni cocked her head to the side. “Are you gonna get preachy?”
“Yes,” Camille said without hesitating. “But you’re eating my food so you can hear me out for thirty seconds.”
Toni rolled her eyes.
“In the book of Matthew there’s this story about this man who’s controlled by an impure spirit,” Camille begins. “Somehow the spirit is removed from him and the man is free. But then the spirit roams around, and finding nowhere else to settle, comes back to the man he was in before.
“This man had gotten his life together, but because he was still empty, because he hadn’t filled the vacancy, the impure spirit left with something of more value. The impure spirit was able to again take hold of his life. And the parable says the second time around it was worse than the first.”