I thought to myself that I would kill anyone who tried to harm me or my family, including Joseph if he tried.
When I arrived home I was all in darkness. I didn't want to speak to anyone; I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts. The man who I tortured and killed was in my mind. It was disturbing.
My body was as tired as my mind. I was afraid of sleeping, so I stayed awake until morning. When the new day finally came, Firmina the witch got up and went out of the house. She used to stay outdoors most of the day; she fed the chickens, walked about in the woods looking for herbs. She could find anything by just smelling it out. It was a mystery how she could walk in the woods without being able to see properly.
My life was starting to become a total torment. I used to hate my children and I had thoughts about killing them all, specially my young ones. Emilia had some kind of power over me, with those big brown eyes of hers she could look straight into me. Every time she stared at me I had nightmares.
In the black magic book in my possession it said that I could make myself immune from the witch spells if I sacrificed an innocent, like of a young child, and then offer the innocent blood to the devil.
I didn’t know what kind of sacrifice to make. Then one night, when there was full moon, I made an altar in the forest and bought some red candles in the village shop. I placed them around the altar to burn as they would help to open the gates for the devil. I followed the instructions on the book as they were written.
I went home when everybody was sleeping and I grabbed Emilia and took her to the woods to sacrifice her to the devil. In the book it said that I had to place the child on the altar and cut her throat, leaving the blood to run down to the ground. Emilia was too big for the altar and she was not a little child anymore, but she was still very young so that would still invoke protection from the devil, meaning no cast spell would have an effect on me.
I tried to, but I could not hurt her, how could I? She just stood there looking at me without understanding what I was about to do. She looked at the knife in my hand and she managed to escape from my arms and run back home screaming as always did. The next day all the accusations started again of me abusing my daughter.
I know I had done some stupid things in my time and this was certainly one of them, and now my family hated me in every possible way. I didn't blame them and I tried to be a good father, but the evil inside me never left me.
I was no longer working for Joseph, but for some unknown reason it didn’t feel right to me. How could I live without my job? This thought filled my head and I could not concentrate on anything. My family was against me and my mind was playing tricks on me again. Was I going insane?
I remembered very clearly one night, that I could not sleep because of my thoughts, and so I decided to go for a long ride. It was nearly midnight and the bumpy road was only illuminated by a half moon. It was not too bright and I could see only the shadows.
I stopped by the black river; it was beautiful and calm, the moon and stars reflecting on the water. I stayed there for a while until something moving in the distance caught my eyes. I couldn't see it properly. It was like a person dragging himself slowly as if they were badly hurt. I quickly went back to my horse and got my gun, before going back to take a closer look. I noticed it was my next door farm neighbour. He’d had an accident with his motorcycle and he was struggling.
I didn't know why I got out of the bed that night but after seeing him I thought it was signal. I had wanted to buy his farm for very long time and he didn't want to do any kind of deal with me. When I saw him in that condition, the only thought in my head was to end his suffering. If he was dead at least his wife would sell the farm to me immediately. When I got really close, it was my intention to smash his head with a rock, but then I noticed that he only had a broken leg, so I decided to help him. I don't know why I did, but I just felt the need to help him to get back on my horse and then I walked alongside him, all the way home.
I had a mix of feelings inside me. It felt good helping him; he was very grateful and didn't stop thanking me. If he had known what my first reaction had been when I first saw him, he would not be so grateful. He said to me that it was God who’d sent me there. I laughed when I heard that. God had nothing to do with it.
My daughter Emilia was growing up fast into a beautiful young woman and her grandmother was always protecting her and teaching her witchcraft. I tried not to worry about it, but the thought of Emilia destroying me was always in my mind. She used to love playing around with her friend Laura, day in and day out. One day it was so hot, and they were taking some shade under a tree. They were sitting on the ground playing in the dirt and chatting. I was inside the house and through the window I saw a figure getting closer to them behind the bushes. I got my gun and I fired in that direction, not planning to kill anyone, just to scare them off.
Emilia and Laura ran inside the house upon hearing the gun go off. She looked at me and asked why I’d tried to shoot her. Of course, I didn’t shoot at them, but was just trying to scare the man who was there watching them.
She didn’t believe me. She said there was no man there, only her guardian angel; that I was going mad and seeing things that were not there. Why couldn’t anyone else see?
That night, while lying in bed I heard some odd whispering noises, floating on a wind that seemed to be blowing out from Emilia’s room. I woke up Maria, and we both went to check it out. Emilia was sleeping soundly however, and her room airtight. A cold feeling passed through my body. That really disturbed me, I could not cope with the fear I felt, so we went back to our bedroom and spent the rest of the night awake with a lit candle.
The next day I had to go to the city, as we needed some supplies for the farm. My eldest son stayed to look after everything. A few years back it would take two days to go to the city, but now we just needed to get to the village by horse and cart and then get a bus. I wasn't feeling well however, my head was twisted and I was hearing things again. I thought to myself, if I see anything moving I would kill it without hesitation.
About an hour later, I was riding into the village and the sun was burning hot, so I decided to stop and rest in the shade of a large tree. The sun was high in the sky; it had to be around midday. I walked down to the river to wash my face and let the horse drink. Suddenly, I heard someone behind me. I looked back but I didn't see anyone. This worried me. Was someone trying to scare me? 0r had my old boss finally decided to shut me up forever? I decided to shoot in the direction of the moving bushes. The bushes stopped swaying and I went over to look.
To my horror, I had killed a young boy by accident! For the first time I didn't know what to do. This was not what I’d planned; it was not one of my jobs. I always had things well planned. How could I get away with this mess? I thought for a moment and decided to get rid of the body. If someone found the boy, it would be the end of me. Civilization was getting closer and I was not living on the jungle anymore.
I had to take the boy to the river, as this would be the best way to dispose of him. The black river was infamous because it was full of deadly piranhas, the scariest flesh-eating fish in the Amazon. The piranhas would devour him in less than a few hours, so I went back to my horse and collected a big sack that I’d used to get provisions that we needed from the village. The bag was big enough for the small boy.
I stuffed the boy’s body inside the bag, tied it up on the back of my horse and started riding back along the Black River. When I was riding back, I saw someone coming on my direction. The body was covered, nobody could see it, it just looked like I had a big bag on the back of my horse. They passed close by and I noticed one of them was my neighbour, the guy I’d helped before. He asked me if I’d been out hunting. He asked because he could see blood dripping from the bag.
I told him I had killed a savage pig and I was going to send him a piece later. He then told his mate what a good man I was. That kept him talking, as I rode my horse and away from them as fast as I could. W
hen I arrived at the Black River I dropped the body there. The river’s piranhas didn’t take long to taste the blood.
When I returned home, Maria started asking questions. I asked my old son to kill a pig and take a big piece of it to my neighbour, to make my story more believable. I felt shattered and my heart was pumping fast. I had tears in my eyes and I kept asking myself, who was the boy? Why he was following me?
I remembered the voice inside my head telling me what to do, maybe I was going crazy. I blamed my mother in law, the witch. She was always whispering and praying in the evenings, for the sun, wind, rain, whatever she could find.
I could see her working on her witchcraft. It was a strange way to live; living in fear of this mysterious witch, but she was doing people good in some ways. Over the years, I saw people coming from all direction for her healing spells and potions. They used to believe her and get cured. Sometime she just needed to put her hand over their head and their pain would disappear.
Over the years I had doing bad things, I am not proud of it. I killed people and I hid their bodies, some I disposed of in the Amazon River, and some in the Black River. Others had been buried on Joseph's farm. No one ever found out, I could not tell anyone, but I feel I am getting old and writing about it is helping me to deal with my remorse. Maybe I was lucky nobody ever found out, or did I have some help from the other side?
Firmina always said I was the devil's son; was she right? Perhaps I was brought into this world to do the devil's work.
I had been so cruel to my family, especially young Emilia, they would never forgive me for that, and I am not expecting forgiveness. I know I will not stay around for long, I know the end is coming, I can feel it. Joseph would never leave me out. If I was the devil's son, Joseph was his right hand, he was the most evil man I ever known.
CHAPTER 31
Decision Time
I BECAME A very different person after spending that long hot summer reading my father’s diary. The reasons for all the torment that father had dished out on me for all these years had now become a little clearer; he was actually afraid of me.
I still had the voodoo doll I’d made at the start of summer hidden away, there was no way I was going to destroy it. I saw it as a kind of insurance and was ready to pull it out and plunge a long needle right through its heart if I felt threatened, but I needed more of father’s personal belongings to make it work.
Father had caused so much pain and death to so many people I felt obligated to use the voodoo doll again, just to avenge all the terrible things father had done to those poor people, and all the pain he’d caused me and my family.
I sat on my bed thinking about everything, my life on the farm, my childhood, and all the horrible things that father had done to me. Shafts of morning light poured in through the window and warmed my legs as I sat there. The rays of light felt like they were energising me, giving me clarity of thought and determination, like I’d never experienced before. It was at that moment that I would use the doll again; but not to torture father, but to try and kill him.
I slipped out of bed, pulled my clothes on and wandered into the kitchen, where I heard my mother serving breakfast to my younger brothers and sisters. Me eldest sister, Marina had left home; forced to go with a man she didn’t love, a man that father had chosen for her. My two oldest brothers had left home too; to go and work on another farm that father had bought.
Although mother and grandmother were still very close, and they did their best to look after each other, mother had become very depressed and had lost so much weight. She was now thin and weak and there appeared nothing that grandmother could do about it. At least I was still best friends with my brother Lorin. Nothing would separate us now, despite father trying his best to prevent us from being close and doing things together.
As I sat there, watching mother serve breakfast, I realised Lorin and I had to end the torment that was slowly killing mother in front of our very eyes and also destroying all our lives. I often thought about what it would be like living without father around. I also considered what if the voodoo magic didn’t work. What was the worst thing that could happen to the family?
After breakfast, I got up to get ready to go to work. Everyone was busy preparing themselves, including grandmother, who had gone to use the bathroom. I noticed she’d left her shadow book on the table by her chair, a book she never usually let out of her sight. I picked it up and started flicking through it. The book contained all the voodoo spells, spells which I needed to learn off by heart, in order to perform them without the book so that I wouldn’t need to take it with me next time. I started memorising the spells that I would need to use.
Ten minutes or so passed and I became tired from all the concentration. “I just wish I was a bird so I could fly away,” I muttered to myself.
“You wouldn’t live long out there,” a voice said. I turned around in surprise.
“Laura?! Oh my God, you are back!” I said, jumping up and giving my friend a long and tight hug.
Laura had moved to the city with her family a long time ago and had returned for a short visit. She now looked like a grown woman, very beautiful, with long, blonde hair, radiant skin, and the same sparkling blue eyes.
“You look so beautiful Laura,” I said, hugging her once more.
“And you look like a man!” laughed Laura. “You are still wearing your brother’s clothes. Why do you hide the fact that you are also beautiful?” she said, shaking her head.
I felt embarrassed and just smiled. We chatted for a while about her life in the city, and mine here at the farm. Laura had moved on and her life seemed so much better and exciting.
Laura didn’t stay long. She had to get back to her family, but I was so happy to see my best friend again. Her visit just made me more resolute to change my life for the better.
CHAPTER 32
Black Candles
THE FULL MOON would be coming in a week’s time. Lorin and I had talked a lot in the week since Laura’s brief visit and my determination had just grown stronger during that time; determination to change things for the better, once and for all. We had decided to prepare the voodoo death ritual and send our father to hell, it was all he deserved, and the only way forward for myself and my family.
I had written a check list of the things we needed for the ritual. The only ingredient we were missing were some black candles, so I sent Lorin into the village to collect some. He returned later that evening, minus the candles. He couldn’t even find any red ones. Frustrated, he finally said, “We will have to use normal candles then.”
“Maybe normal ones won’t work,” I said.
“What won’t work?” Our grandmother’s voice echoed from the corridor.
“Noth…nothing grandma, we were just talking about fishing,” I said, glancing at Lorin for support.
“Yes, we were saying maybe if we use sweetcorn for a bit, maybe it won’t work.”
Grandmother appeared at the kitchen door and laughed loudly. “My eyes might be gone, but I still have ears like a bat,” she said.
We both needed to be careful what we said. I’d forgotten how good grandma’s hearing had become since she’d lost her sight.
“Can I get you anything grandma?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“It’s ok darling. I was just stretching my legs. I had some cramp earlier.
“Ok grandma, Lorin and I were just going to bed anyway,” I said, giving Lorin a hard stare.
We both left grandma in the kitchen and went to bed, with the intention of dealing with the candle problem as soon as we could.
The following evening, father came back from his short trip and brought enough provisions back to last an entire year. Bags and bags of basic things like oil, sugar and salt. He was clearly planning on going away again as this is what he always did before going on a long trip. It meant that nobody had to leave the farm when he was absent.
After father and my brothers unloaded father’s cart I went to
my room and looked through the open window and up at the night sky. The moon was full and shone down brightly from the inky-black sky. The odd chirping from the crickets in the field alongside the farm pierced the otherwise still night.
As I sat there, I pictured myself preparing and undertaking the voodoo ritual. The idea was playing over and over in my mind as I looked out over the beautiful landscape, lit only by the full moon.
As I was about to lie down, I noticed the silhouette of a figure, moving behind the bushes bordering the side of the house. The person was waving at me, inviting me to go outside!
The figure got closer, and then I realised it was Lorin. He walked up to my window.
“Come on, we have to do it tonight,” he said, showing me a bag with a few things inside.
My eyes widened. “Ok, I have the doll. Did you get the other things?”
Lorin nodded his head affirmatively and I jumped off my bed, pulled some clothes on and met Lorin in the garden.
“Let’s go,” I said, as we both ran off into the woods.
It really wasn’t easy walking through the woods at night, but the moon was bright and moonlight filtered through the treetops lighting part of the pathways through the undergrowth, making it a little easier for us to navigate.
Up ahead a stream of moonlight lit an open patch of ground. I was beginning to feel a little apprehensive, but I could see that Lorin was ready for anything.
Daughter of the Forest: Diary of an Assassin Page 18