by Andy Cohen
MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2015
I heard from Ralph Lauren this morning. He said he’s a big fan of mine and he thinks I dress great but he thinks he upset me the other night. I said, “No, you didn’t upset me. I thought you had something to say, and I want to hear it because I respect your opinion!” What he said is that he thinks I am dressing too flamboyantly—too brightly—but that it’s nothing serious and that he is here to help if I want it. I hung up feeling like he was being nice and letting me off the hook and that he actually had something worse to say. Took Wacha on a walk and he never shit and later I went on the terrace and saw he’d shit out there, so that was a big victory and I took him out there and treated him. Then at the end of the day he shit inside. Again. He knew I was gonna tie him there so he went in the closet where the crate is stored. I called Brandon in LA and he said it could be ten to fifteen times before he stops. He said to take the shit on the terrace after his tethering and leave it out there and treat him next to it so he gets the message that it’s okay to shit out there. This is all exhausting emotionally; Wacha looks up at me with those sad eyes and I know he is trying to exert some control.
Dad texted from Mendocino, California, where they are for two weeks:
DAD: Saw Kenya’s picture on Ma’s phone. Really nice set!!!
ME: Of boobs??
DAD: Yes of course. What else would it be?
ME: I didn’t know if you meant the set for the reunion.
DAD: Anyway, she has a rack.
ME: She sure does! They are real.
DAD: That would have been my next question.
Walked the dog and took him to the show for Cynthia Nixon and Nicolle Wallace, which I thought might be terrible but was really good. Live was Asa from Shahs, Shep from Southern Charm, and three Melbourne Housewives who were grateful and excited to even be behind the bar so I liked them. Came home and puttered on the terrace looking out at the city, feeling like a king.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2015
Before the show I went to a birthday dinner for Jane Buffett at their apartment in the sky. Had a long chat at dinner with Steve Kroft, who thought I wrote for Time magazine, and I said he had me confused with another Jew. Maybe Joel Stein? Fran Lebowitz was a few people over and I just keep my head down around her. Barney Frank and Bob Harper were on the show. Barney was a combo of great and very curmudgeonly. I loved him, and of course the after show wound up being better than the show itself, unfortunately. Jimmy is out of Match Game and without him producing it, I don’t know where that leaves us. Nowhere, I think.
THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2015
Wacha shit on the terrace. You would’ve thought he built the terrace—I brought him out to the shit and gave him a ton of treats in front of it. He didn’t know what the fuck was up.
Taped a show at noon today with Helen Hunt and Candice Bergen, both of whom I always think of as ice queens. But the truth is that Helen Hunt just seems awkward to me, not icy, and Candice, whom I’d previously dealt with at the height of Murphy Brown when she was a thin, icy superstar, was so happy I’d read her book—which I very proudly announced to her in her dressing room, like a peacock—that she was warm and fuzzy and quite possibly cuddly. You can’t imagine how much I carried on about the book because hosts, me included, never read the book. And I’d only read half, and skimmed it really, but she didn’t need to know that. I referred to various minutiae five times on the show to prove to the world that I had really studied the damn thing. I asked Helen what motivated her to write and direct her own movie and she said, “Sometimes you gotta make things happen for yourself,” and I asked if she had seen the Amy Schumer sketch about how when you turn forty you’re unfuckable in Hollywood and she said, “Are you saying I’m unfuckable?” That got real awkward, real fast.
I met Sarah Silverman at my apartment at three-thirty. We’d had a date on the books for about a month and my big plan was to pitch her on doing a daily show on Radio Andy. I’ve been kind of putting off committing to anyone else or booking anyone for the channel because of this big Hail Mary meeting, which started as I thought it would—with us getting high on the terrace, where we stayed for a couple hours going from tangent to tangent about everything, like discussing how Candy Bergen looks like Sharon Gless and then trying to figure out who is older, a fact which we ultimately googled to discover Sharon is two years older. Then we got further into it and started looking into the ages of everyone from Goldie to Helen Hunt. Finally we decided to take a stroll with the dog and wound up on Thirteenth Street in front of the gay center, where Sarah suggested we rap with the kids a little bit and find out what’s on their minds. So we had a little rap session with five kids, one with a guitar. One asked if he could pet Wacha because it had been a long time since he’d had any contact with an animal, which broke my heart a little. He was loving on the dog, and Wacha let him. In the final moment of the third hour of our hangout I sat her down in that park on Bleecker and Sixth Avenue and proceeded to give the weakest, most half-assed pitch for radio. The answer was no. She has too much going on. It was the lamest pitch ever. Persky dinner on the Upper East Side with Bill’s famous meatloaf. Mark and Kelly came for dessert but I had to split for a massage.
FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2015—SUNDAY, MAY 3, 2015—SAG HARBOR
First time out east since October, and the house looked great and it felt like a crime to have left it empty all these months. What was I doing that was so important? Slept a lot and Jimmy gave me a ride home on a chopper. Wacha was really well behaved, probably because he was so happy about spending the weekend out at the beach sniffing stuff, doing what dogs do. He didn’t poop in the house all weekend!
MONDAY, MAY 4, 2015
Reese Witherspoon and Sofía Vergara were on the show and we really watered down Plead the Fifth, to the point where we shouldn’t have done it. It was a bunch of softballs to RW and even those were stressing her out. I interviewed NeNe and she and I kind of got into it beforehand. She says all her friends say I am shady to her and I said she should get off Twitter and stop listening to these people who are up her ass. We laughed. Had a meeting at the construction site and there is asbestos that needs to be removed, and a bunch of the pipes are cojoined, so that means we’re delayed again for another month or so. Put on my midnight-blue Ralph Lauren tuxedo and walked over to SJP’s to pick her up for the Met Ball, where I found her topped by a massive Chinese headpiece with red-and-black ornamentation. It was incredible. She had to ride in the car with her head cocked to one side so it wouldn’t break, or break off. On the way up, I peed at a random eye doctor’s office on the Upper East Side and took pics with the receptionist. The red carpet went crazy for Sarah’s headgear, and I told any reporter who would listen that I was going to take her home and make love to her all night. I’m pretty sure I say the same thing every year. The room was everyone from Kim Kardashian to Cher, who was with Marc Jacobs. I made a beeline to her with SJ and Bruce in tow. She made fun of my insane shit-eating grin and the fact that I introduced myself to her. She said she knew who I was. I didn’t even mention radio. She looked good. We were at a tech table with rich people from San Francisco and with Valentino, who did not seem like he was a fan of the food. He has really good Italian chefs. We met Justin Bieber, and SJ asked what he thought of his first Met Ball and he asked if it “gets crazy” and I said, well, the bar is high for you on that. The truth is I walk around in a fog, recognizing no one in the joint because the dresses make it seem like everyone is in costume. You turn to one side and hug Lady Gaga, or who you think is Lady Gaga but maybe it’s Gwen Stefani, you just don’t know. Lee Daniels was there with Naomi, I think. Went and kissed Madonna’s ring—literally kneeled by her at her table and said I didn’t like all the ageism being leveled at her and that I was pissed at her for not doing my show and she said, “Don’t take it personally.” I said, “You’re Madonna; I wouldn’t take anything you do personally.” I think I said hi to Katy Perry, who was with Allison Williams. Rihanna performed a few songs, incl
uding “Diamonds,” with a full orchestra—pretty magical. Sat at the Boom Boom Room with SJ, Bruce, Bryan, and Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly, who seem lovely. Bummed around with John Mayer a bunch too. I was in bed by three forty-five.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 6, 2015
This day almost killed me. Got more outdoor furniture delivered for the terrace. Spoke at a JCC on Long Island—my people! Taped three shows in a row, got in bed feeling lonely and depleted, and looked at my phone to see that I hit a million followers on Instagram, which I had been thinking was going to be some milestone that would feel like a great accomplishment. It didn’t. The dog was cuddled up perfectly to me before I fell asleep; then he moved to my feet and I couldn’t sleep. Got a text from Mom, furious we’d played a “guess the crotch” game, saying, “Your show has JUMPED THE SHARK.”
THURSDAY, MAY 7, 2015—NYC—LOS ANGELES
Richie, my elevator man, is officially better than Google. He tells me everything I need to know. The cute gay guy on the fifth floor is the brother of the cute gay guy in the penthouse, but they aren’t twins. And the guy on the fifth floor was just denied a dog by the building but I can’t figure out why. Richie will find out.
Emailed Carole and LuAnn and said to quit fighting so much on Twitter; it’s taking away from the show and beneath them both. I never get involved in stuff like that but this was irritating me for some reason. There’s a YouTube clip of Sonja asking me what famous person I’ve slept with and I said Lance Bass, which is officially the oldest story out there but somehow is getting picked up everywhere. And now it’s a (fake) “controversy” because he is a married man and should I be saying stuff like this about a married man?
Flew to LA for the Shahs and Will Arnett was on the plane sitting behind me, all rumpled and nap-sleepy, and then when we walked out he had somehow transformed into a superstar: sunglasses, Dodgers hat, amazing denim jacket. I asked if he got touched up during landing or something. Checked in at the Tower and had dinner at Sandy’s.
FRIDAY, MAY 8, 2015—LOS ANGELES
Shot the Shahs reunion—very dramatic and I didn’t wear a tie, which was personally very dramatic. Lance Bass said, “Sex is a broad term,” and that I didn’t penetrate him, so now websites are saying that he is denying he had sex with me. #BrazilianAndySamberg FaceTimed to ask if I’m making up stories about sleeping with Lance Bass. It’s all very embarrassing.
SATURDAY, MAY 9, 2015—LOS ANGELES—NYC
Breakfast with Lauren and Jason and I met Roxie Blum.
Don’t fly into Newark from LA, I learned; the planes are old and the first class is no good. Landed and went to the Diamond Horseshoe—met Jorge, a beautiful, open-hearted Venezuelan. Then was flirting with a poor man’s Jewish John Stamos when a handsome South African came up, and then they connected right before my eyes and I let them be and split. It’s frustrating when your trick is overtaken by another trick, but it’s a jungle out there.
SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2015
Mark and Kelly came over and we drank rosé on the terrace for three hours and I wore a Mr Turk romper, which I thought Kelly would appreciate (she did). I had no show so I felt like I hadn’t a care in the world. Bought solar-powered twinkly lights for the terrace, which don’t work great.
MONDAY, MAY 11, 2015
Horrible allergies. I cannot get Match Game going and I feel like a total loser. Fremantle wants a prime-time window and I think it’ll fail on NBC.
Met Frances at the Rainbow Room for a drink. Walked to Giancarlo Giammetti’s, where Valentino showed me his ruby-red sparkly watch and cuff links and three diamond rings. Then I quizzed him about whether he travels with his jewelry or if he leaves some in NYC. The answer is both. Came home to get the dog but he had pooped in the bedroom, so I tethered him to the cinder block and went to the Entertainment Weekly upfront party, where I ran into Bellamy Young, Guillermo Díaz, and Katie someone, who were all on their way to do my show, but I’ve never seen Scandal so I faked it. After the show Mom texted that she doesn’t watch Scandal so my show was very boring, with three sleeping emojis.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 13, 2015
This morning was rehearsal for cohosting tomorrow’s NBCUniversal Cable Upfront Presentation with Giuliana Rancic and Nick Cannon. In the script there’s a gag where I come out and have a leotard on over my suit. I am worried that it’s not funny, so I said maybe I won’t do it and they all said that it’s Bonnie Hammer’s favorite part, so I better do some abs today because I see a leotard in my future.
Matt Lauer was supposed to be on the show but cancelled because of the Amtrak crash, so we scrambled for a guest to pair with Snoop Dogg. We got Willie Geist, who went on to witness one of my most embarrassing moments ever: mistakenly calling Snoop “Spook.” The look on Willie’s face matched my inner horror. Snoop said, “Spook?” and I pretended that it did not even happen. I went in the control room after the show and they said they’d all gasped when I said it.
After the show Snoop wanted to talk to me, and it was not about the racial epithet I uttered to him on the show (which was being edited out as we spoke) but about wanting to produce a show with me, and it was officially the best pitch meeting ever because in the middle he handed me a blunt, which I sucked down. His manager stopped me from taking a second hit because he said it was a creeper and I would be high enough with one hit. And I was! Got in the car and heard a very nice message from Matt Lauer telling me not to think he is avoiding me. Went home and took a nap so I could get Snoop’s hooch out of my system.
The live show was Sharon Osbourne and Seann William Scott, who I can barely look in the eye because he’s so hot. Mom texted that I need to go after him and I said I don’t think it’s an option, and she said she will talk to his mom for me and make it okay. Funny. After the show I met Jeff Lewis at Koi for drinks along with the Bravo crew (in town for upfronts): Kyle, Tamra, Shannon, Jenni Pulos, NeNe, Kim, and more.… Tamra said as good as my body looks she could tell I could lose five more pounds, and she’s right. Shannon and Tamra have forty examples of Vicki lying about cancer and they say she has to go if she really lied, that the viewers will hate her. And I said, well, she’s Vicki, so maybe it would be more interesting to find out why she is lying. NeNe came over and we barely said hi and Tamra said OMG, something is wrong; she just totally dissed you. I said honey, we’re basically mid-convo; I have seen her twenty times in the last three weeks; it’s all good. Went to the bathroom and saw Jax and a girl and I got in his ear and said what are you doing; one isn’t enough, go out and find another one! Then I heard my name and it was Harry Hamlin saying hi and he and Rinna were checking in. I like upfront season.
Came home and there was a bottle of rosé champagne from Bonnie with a note saying she couldn’t wait to see me in a leotard, so that’s that and I didn’t do abs today.
THURSDAY, MAY 14, 2015
It was a race to get to through the upfront’s mile-long red carpet, complete with a stop at E! to be interviewed by Ross Matthews and Maria Menounos. The show itself was a trip. The Housewives and all Bravo talent were sitting in front of me, which was fun but distracting. It’s thousands of people at the Javits Center; you don’t know who is there but you might know every single one of them.
During the show I went to pee and said to some guy in Nick Cannon’s posse who was also peeing, “This is boring!” and he said—somewhat menacingly—“Are you really trying to talk to me while I’m peeing??” I really did not care for his tone. I didn’t ask to see his dick! I then had a fantasy that this guy punched me in the face and then we fell in love: We met cute! Anyway, none of that happened. I had a quick change to put that leotard on over my suit and did the gag. The good news is that the room is so cavernous I couldn’t tell if people were laughing or rolling their eyes.
Wound up spontaneously meeting Bethenny, her friend Jimmy, Kyle Richards, and Eric Stonestreet for dinner at Dirty French, which was crazy good. Kyle kept saying that Lindsay Lohan was two booths over and I said that couldn’t possibly be her; i
t looks nothing like her. They waved and Kyle said “Come over,” and I said you just invited a stranger over. Sure enough, Lindsay Lohan comes over and sits down and she now has some kind of a clipped European accent and says she lives between “London, Dubai, and Morocco” or maybe Monaco, I can’t remember. And she is in town doing community service for two weeks, to which Jill Zarin accompanied her today and Bethenny said that itself sounds like community service. She said she loves Jill like family. But the community service is only eight hours a day, and she wants to work all day and all night so she can get it over with but they won’t let her and maybe that’s a cause she wants to talk to me or Oprah about. Then she tried to get me involved in an app for leasing private planes. You join for eight thousand bucks and then it’s a dollar a flight or something. She left and we marveled. Later she sent me a sambuca and espresso, and I don’t know what message she was trying to send me. She was smoking outside when I left but I ducked into the Uber.
FRIDAY, MAY 15, 2015—NYC—CHICAGO
As is now customary with my tour with Anderson, I arrive a day early and get the lay of the land in the city. There are men around Chicago wearing preppy shorts, which I just don’t see much of anymore. Went to my first Cubs game at Wrigley with Kenny Werner and it was probably the first activity he and I have done since high school. We sat with one of the lesbian owners of the team. Wrigley is a trip, super old-fashioned—she took us to the owner’s box and it’s a dump. A lovable dump, but a dump nonetheless! Had dinner with the Arkins at Giuliana’s restaurant, RPM, which is like a nightclub. They put a security guard in front of our booth, which felt very baller.