by Andy Cohen
SUNDAY, JUNE 7, 2015
Long Skype call with Mom and Dad in advance of their NYC visit for my amfAR honor. “Where is Sirius?” they want to know. I explained the only way I know how with them: in relation to Uniqlo.
I was talking to the landlord as I was waiting to show Bryan the demolition and debate the double-height room conundrum and I found out that the studio apartment next door to the new upstairs apartment might be available. I low-key freaked out and badgered him to give the owner my number. SJP came over for a casual hangout on the terrace, and I think she finally “got” Wacha. They cuddled. John Mayer and Ricky came over with Jimmy’s new Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor, which is tremendous.
MONDAY, JUNE 8, 2015—NYC—SAG HARBOR
I’m on hiatus chilling at the beach, where Jimmy told me he made up that flavor himself and I think it’s genius. It’s called The Tonight Dough and it’s caramel and chocolate ice creams with chocolate cookie swirls, gobs of chocolate-chip cookie dough, and peanut-butter cookie dough—so basically everything. Gordon drew up plans to combine the studio with the other apartments and make a big atrium. The super gave the guy my number but he hasn’t called me, so I am putting the cart before the horse.
I am getting channel 102 on Sirius, right next to Howard! This is big.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10, 2015—SAG HARBOR
Sometimes I think Wacha hates me because I’m gay. Or judges me. He played with Gary all day. My NYC neighbor called while I was at Nancy Fallon’s. He’s been renting out his studio apartment for years but the tenant moves out July 1 and he is open to selling. He said that of course the apartment would be more valuable to me than it would be on the open market and I said yes, I am aware of that fact. Then he said that he had had a preliminary conversation with his neighbor on the other side, who may be interested as well. A bidding war between neighbors? Can’t lose there. He asked if I had met the neighbor. I said no, and he said well, Sally Field seems very nice. A bidding war between celebrity neighbors. Wonderful. This guy thinks he is in the catbird seat. Newsflash: He is. Dinner alone with MaryAnn Bozzi at the Palm, which was a first for us and really fun. On the drive home I called Bruce to tell him everything his mother had told me and we really are Myrtle and Gladys, just two clucking old ladies.
THURSDAY, JUNE 11, 2015—SAG HARBOR—NYC
I got in an accident outside the Midtown Tunnel! A big truck cut me off. I was on the side of the road with the guy, waiting for the cops to file a police report, for hours. I had to get to a pitch at CAA, so Daryn had to come relieve me and wait for the tow-truck guys. Wonder if this is what will make her quit? In the heat, by the side of the road I saw Rachel Zoe and Rodger coming in from the Hamptons. Missed the Bethenny pitch but made it to CAA for the Blast Your Past pitch. Went to Anthony’s birthday party, where Sonja did a memorable caburlesque performance.
FRIDAY, JUNE 12, 2015
Spent half the day terrified that Daryn was dead. She was being unresponsive to every form of communication—which is completely out of character—and by two in the afternoon I was calling everyone at Embassy Row and Bravo to figure out what was up. How ironic that I thought she was gonna find me dead last week. Turns out she was in some seminar where there were no phones allowed. Relieved!
We let Brandi go today. She was kind of expecting it; there was nowhere for her to go because none of the women like her and she hates them. I have a cold (I think I got it from Richie, the elevator guy), and Mom sent me this stuff that you rub on your chest and under your nose to help you breathe. I called her “Mom” in a text thanking her today because it was a really mom thing to do. She sent back a bunch of emoticons. We are debating who should bartend on Monday, and she keeps saying Dad is a camera whore. I mean … Went to Robbie Baitz and Leon’s wedding at Almond in Tribeca, which was really sweet. Ken Olin gave a roast-y toast, Ron Rifkin sang, a lady scatted, and Gina Gershon has a good show idea we’re gonna pitch.
SATURDAY, JUNE 13, 2015—NYC—FIRE ISLAND
Breakfast with Hickey at La Bonbonniere. He saw Sally Field on the street in workout clothes yesterday. I wish he’d asked her if we’re in a bidding war or not! Missed the ferry to Fire Island by two minutes and had to wait for the next one. The twink Realtor and his boyfriend picked me up in a boat instead. Saw a great house to rent this summer that’s expensive, but I’m gonna do it. The twink said he will be my bodyguard.
I still don’t feel great.
Met Bill and Chris on the beach and gave Bill a custom AC420 vape and he said the one he has is better. Nice. We got invited to a birthday barbecue by these hot bearded guys. Some guy was getting out of the freezing water and I said he was brave and he said let’s run in together, Baywatch style. I did it and felt like I had needles sticking into every pore of my body but I felt alive. We met cute! Until I found out he has a boyfriend. Walking away, he put on a sarong, so that was two rapid strikes against him. By the time I left the beach I felt free and full of promise, which is what Fire Island is all about. Told Amanda I was going to a barbecue. She replied, “That whole island is a bbq—are they putting a hot man on a SPIT?” It was more like bags of chips on a counter and not enough buns, all homemade in the best way. The bearded birthday boy makes wallets in Brooklyn. He had a dream of a screenplay and told me the whole thing. It wasn’t horrible but I didn’t understand anyone’s motivation.
SUNDAY, JUNE 14, 2015—FIRE ISLAND—NYC
I reset all my emojis to black people because I like them better and then took the ferry home with three brothers. One of them wound up putting his number in my phone and I texted him back applause, but they were black hands and I felt weird—like, did he think I reset my emojis to black people for him? Life is a minefield. Back in the city, had dinner with Mom and Dad at Café Cluny. Wasn’t looking forward to the show—it was Quad and Heavenly from Married to Medicine—but I really enjoyed it. Having a vacation makes all the difference.
MONDAY, JUNE 15, 2015
Tonee gave Anderson and me a joint haircut on the terrace today. That’s living! But then it started raining so we went inside. What’s the point of an outside haircut if it’s gonna rain? I was sweeping up the hair, marveling that AC’s is almost translucent. It’s impossible to see, like shards of glass. Wacha will eat what I didn’t get. Em and Rob came by and saw both apartments; we endlessly discussed the potential combination with the studio and how much I should pay. Dinner at Polo Bar, where Mom announced that she didn’t find the 9/11 memorial that moving. She expected more—it’s like a sad movie that didn’t make her cry, I guess. Down to the show, where it was Jenny McCarthy and Vicki, with Em and Mom behind the bar. It was cute. Got an email from the seller of the studio next door asking way more than I expected, with a whole lot of exposition. I don’t get the sense from the email that Sally is bidding. Went to Anfora with Rob and Em and engaged in more endless discussion about apartments. Came home and watched part 2 of the Shahs reunion and either I was drunk or it was my best work ever.
TUESDAY, JUNE 16, 2015
Woke up with the weight of the world on my shoulders—stressed about not having written my speech for my amfAR honor and still grappling with many questions about this apartment situation. So I had a meeting at the apartment, worked out, taped a show, wrote my speech, and went to Spring Studios for amfAR in the sweltering heat.
The red carpet was all Miley questions because she was being honored too. Apparently Bethenny said somewhere that I talked her into getting married, so of course people take that seriously and I had to answer a bunch of those. Mom and Dad looked gorgeous, as did Em. Sat with Jeanne, Fred, and my date, Grac, for the pre-dinner crazy fashion show. I had two tables of friends and Anderson was hosting the evening. Sandra Bernhard presented my award with beat poetry:
Andy is my good friend. We’ve had conversations in the Clubhouse that rival John and Yoko. I’d like to think of Andy as the Dick Cavett of the new millennium. He’s brought culture to places we’d never thought possible. And turned feminism o
n its ear … Like a shaman, a new age healer, a magical guru, he’s brought enlightenment.… Whether navigating the fragile atmosphere during Dorinda’s fiftieth, grappling with Eileen’s feeling that Brandi has gone from fan to foe, or deconstructing Vicki’s fiesta party where “the piñata wasn’t the only thing getting bashed,” he is a natural at helping people, and I’m delighted to say that he lends his support to so many, not just Ramona, Bethenny, Luann, Yolanda, Kristen, Tamra, Vicki, Kandi, Cynthia …
I consider Sandra a cultural priestess, so those ironic/not ironic words from her were gold to me. NeNe left the Bravo table (in a huff?) soon after. Was it because she wasn’t mentioned? I never got to see her.
During the live auction Grac had me tell Mom I was gonna bid on the Miley/Caitlin Jenner art, which at that point was at fifty thousand dollars—it went for more. “NO you’re NOT!” she loudly intoned from the next table. Memories of the Shawnee prank (see: Most Talkative)! The after party at the Boom Boom Room was, like the room, glamorous and very fun. I loved being able to party with my parents, who at seventy-eight and eighty-three were game to keep going.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17, 2015
Texted NeNe and said I was sorry I didn’t see her. She texted that she saw me get my award but had to be up early and that she had worn new hair for me. Hmm—something’s off. Did a radio special with my parents to bank for the launch of the channel. Mom said Fredrik agreed with her that I shouldn’t pay just anything for that apartment and I said, he just doesn’t want to fight with you. Emailed the neighbor with a cash offer that’s 30 percent over the last comp in the building, very generous if you ask me. Eric Dane and Lauren Graham were on the show. He didn’t want to spill one thing on air and then during commercial breaks was spilling the tea. Good guy, though.
THURSDAY, JUNE 18, 2015
The Brandi news leaked and my timeline, which for months was full of “Get rid of Brandi!” is now full of “I will never watch BH again if Brandi is gone you idiot!” What can you do? Brought Wacha to the party for the Whistle app and he was humping all the other dogs. It was like a press event, so he gave the press something to talk about. Had dinner at Morandi with Ricki and Liza, during which I got an email from the neighbor that it is a very emotional decision and he needs some time to talk it over with his wife, so I don’t know what that means. Mom texted during the show—“No more penis games!” (We did a “Guess their size” thing with Adam Scott and Natasha Leggero.) Took the girls to see the construction but it was dark and Ricki banged her leg. Had rosé on the terrace until all hours and I got in a rage at some guy who has been ripping off Liza’s mom in LA and I found him on Facebook and sent him a scathing email. I have never met the man in my life.
FRIDAY, JUNE 19, 2015
Woke up to a very repentant email back from the LA guy and couldn’t believe what I’d fired off. That is a first. And of course now I don’t want to be involved whatsoever. Not responding. He will think I am nuts. Itay Malkin delivered my black-diamond chain and it looks good. What does it mean that I am transitioning into wearing diamond necklaces? Indian dinner for Lauren Blum, then a date with a Jewish South African guy with a crazy-great body who was starving himself because gay pride is coming up—something I hadn’t heard in many years, given my age, but it depressed me now just like it did in the nineties. I took his phone ostensibly to look at his Instagram account but went into his direct messages and saw that he’d been sending erotic pics to countless people and barely getting any returns, which was surprising to me given how good his body was. I then felt superior. Wacha growled at him when I brought him home. He gave me a guilt trip for not asking him to stay, but I felt none.
SATURDAY, JUNE 20, 2015—NYC—ATLANTA
The driver to the airport groused when I asked him to take another route besides the Midtown Tunnel, which is under crazy construction, and begrudgingly headed towards the Williamsburg Bridge but we got pulled over for almost hitting a pedestrian, which I could tell he was silently blaming on me. I kept apologizing for the ticket but he wouldn’t really accept my apology. And I asked if his company will pay for the ticket and he said no, only parking tickets they get while waiting for clients. So he was screwed and took it out on me!
In Atlanta, Anderson and I got burgers at the Four Seasons, then went to our show, where beforehand there were a bunch of CNN people backstage—Robin Meade from HLN was fuming that we’d found a way to monetize what we already do, which is talk to each other—and then Kari and family, who were driving to Florida and happened to be in Atlanta that night, which was divine intervention. The meet and greet after the show included Phaedra, a man with the most insane red hairpiece/system, and a dude who claimed he used to work for Naomi Judd and had juicy stories about her. I said I don’t want to get involved. AC and I were spent when we got in the car and could barely see straight. Went to a place called Ten where we tried to blend in but drunk girls kept coming up, one furious at me for not taking a pic with her—we decided not to take pics all night because we wouldn’t ever stop if we did. Another girl came up and asked why we bothered to come if we were just going to talk to each other all night. Then we went to Jungle which seemed like a druggy crowd but wound up being fun. Saw Lindsay and Jason Moattar.
SUNDAY, JUNE 21, 2015—ATLANTA—NYC
Woke up with a cheerleader from Georgia Tech and an email from Danbury Correctional with a form that’ll enable Teresa to email me; the cheerleader wasn’t a surprise but the request from Teresa was. She’s been behind bars for six months and I haven’t heard a word. Flew back to NYC. Dinner at a horrible new Japanese place on Greenwich Avenue with the Blums and Bozzi-Lourds (and Barry for a cameo) and we all wanted to go out for pizza afterward. Was so tired and then got a second wind right before the show, at 10:55. At midnight went to Broadway Bares at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Entered through backstage and it was a sea of glittery chorus boys in G-strings, meaning it felt like home. I presented an award at the end of the night.
Got an email from the neighbor wanting seventy-five thousand more than I offered. I think I’ll close in the middle, even though I got a frantic call from a drunk Bruce on his soapbox three minutes before air saying not to go a penny above what I offered.
TUESDAY, JUNE 23, 2015—NYC—STATE COLLEGE, PA—NYC
Penn State invited me to do this paid speech and the only real way to get there within the time constraints, outside of a private plane (which they weren’t offering), was to drive—seven hours there and back. Stopped at McDonald’s on the way, which I gleefully tweeted, and people replied that I was gonna get sick. I said I was fine. Got a response to my counter this morning from the guy, who wants twelve thousand more, which offended me and I emailed him something bitchy and he called just before the speech. I told him he was being greedy and to be an adult and accept my very generous offer, which is more than anyone else will ever give him.
I hate when Twitter trolls are right; I got a horrible stomachache during the speech. Got right back in the car. Was crazily excited for the show, which was LuAnn performing “Girl Code.” The WWHL team was abuzz, and we realized that we hadn’t known just how badly we needed a new Housewives song for our morale.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24, 2015
Mom needs braces. My mother, who is seventy-eight. She emailed, said there’s no other way to fix some issue with her gums. I said this was completely ridiculous and we would discuss it. Also got an email from Teresa, which was really sweet and light. Among other things she said she looks hot in jail, but that she always looks hot, and that “the girls in here watch your show every night, but I’m already in bed when it’s on. They always tell me when my name gets mentioned.” Am I the only one that thinks that’s surreal?
Had two shows and saw the Georgia Tech cheerleader, who happens to be in town—cheering people up, of course.
THURSDAY, JUNE 25, 2015
Woke up with cheerleader again and cancelled the Ninja. Got another email from Danbury Correctional Facility:
HI HONEY,
WHEN I COME BACK, I WANT THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT … LESS FIGHTING, MORE FAMILY AND GOOD TIMES WITH FRIENDS. PLEASE HELP ME WITH THAT. THE GIRLS IN HERE LOVE ATLANTA AND SINCE I HAVE BEEN HERE I MAKE SURE WE WATCH THEM ALL BEVERLY HILLS, ORANGE COUNTY, NEW YORK, SECRET & WIVES & MILLION DOLLAR LISTING. I LOVE YOUR SNAPPLE COMMERCIAL YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME IN IT. I’M WORKING OUT 3 X PER DAY AND I’M READING A LOT. I’M READY TO COME HOME AND SHOW THE WORLD WHAT THEY’VE BEEN MISSING … ME:) KISSES
PS I LIKE TYPING WITH CAPS I AM NOT YELLING …
I got the apartment!! And I still can’t believe they have premium cable in Danbury.
Lunch with Bruce. And later we saw Bette Midler at Madison Square Garden—lots of gray-haired people there (like me), a real old crowd. Sat next to Holland Taylor, the actress, and Sarah Paulson, who was on my show yesterday. I think they’re together; they seemed lovey-dovey. Backstage waiting for Bette were Rebel Wilson, Tommy Tune, and Billy Eichner, but we left before Bette came out. Took Bruce and Bryan to a black bar where even the duds are hot, then to Cafeteria for drunken burgers. Almost got killed crossing the street on the way home. I jumped in front of traffic like Frogger. Can’t wait for my John Mayer Grateful Adventure tomorrow.
FRIDAY, JUNE 26, 2015—NYC—LOS ANGELES—SAN FRANCISCO
As I waited for my plane, which was delayed for three hours, I got a bunch of rainbow emojis from mom, her signal to me that the Supreme Court had struck down bans on gay marriage. Cabbed from LAX to John, who was waiting for me in the Valley in his EarthRoamer. Sitting behind that massive front window with the promise of San Francisco (where it was Gay Pride weekend) and two Dead shows at the end of our drive induced a natural high. As the day went on, I was surprised at how overcome I became with elation about gay marriage. I told John I’d give anything to be able to tell my scared teenaged self that this day would come, but even if I could I wouldn’t have believed it. Saw a tweet with a picture of the White House lit with the rainbow flag! The White House!!!! I told John I had to go out tonight in San Francisco to celebrate and he said he was definitely game. Yahoo! On the drive, we Periscoped, looked for an In-N-Out, tried to figure out who was the Gayle and who was the Oprah (we think I’m Oprah and he’s Gayle), discussed gay-bar options in San Francisco, and debated him emailing Oprah and saying we were gonna be in Montecito in ten minutes and to please let us come for tequila but I wasn’t successful in convincing him. Listened to a lot of Dead all the way.