by Andy Cohen
The show was wonderful—very fun. Liza was there, and Wattenberg, who I have very directly told not to come to any of my special occasions because I would rather have my agent in his office making me money instead of making me feel good by being present. But then I saw him at Kelly’s fifteenth-anniversary show and told Daryn to call his office and invite him. You don’t want the attention, but then maybe it turns out you do want the attention. Push/pull! Chenoweth was great. Chrissy Teigen pulled out the best gift ever from a plastic shopping bag: one of John Legend’s Grammys (his first, actually). She said he has ten and wouldn’t miss it.
Finished that show on such a high, then walked into my office and right into Dave and Hickey, who were there to see the Loretta Lynn/Isaac Mizrahi show. I had concocted a plan to sing “Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man” with the Coal Miner’s Daughter and in rehearsal I did it millions of times with Tori Vullo sitting in for Loretta. They’d never seen me rehearse anything so much and Deirdre thought I was doing a bit, but I actually wanted to do it perfectly. She said my best part was at the end when I go “Heyyyyyyyyy.” Went into Loretta’s dressing room and gave her so much love, told her how much I loved the American Masters episode and said, “Are you gonna sing with me?” And with that she started to sing the song, right at the spot I picked out. We sang it together twice, and she suggested I go up at the end like a yodel when I go “Heyyyyyyyyyyy,” but when I hit it right I sound so good as a bass. I told her I’d yodel it but I secretly had no plans to.
Loretta is little, with a big head, and was looking great, wearing jeans, a denim cowboy shirt, and cowboy boots. There was a massive aqua ball gown hanging up and she said (referring to her dresser), “Teeeeyum wants me to wear that gown, what you want me to wear?” I said, “Teeeeyum has been dressing you for thirty years, Ms. Lynn, and I am not about to start throwing my opinion around now.” Teeeeyum really liked that. Teeeeyum, incidentally, was going to be the bartender and so this had to be a TV first: Loretta surrounded by three gays. Then we found out Tanya Tucker was on her way, but she’s the Bad Girl of Country so of course she was running late and wouldn’t make it in time for the show. When Loretta sat down in that big ol’ ball gown (she actually looked better in jeans), she said she’d gained five pounds this week in NYC and could barely get it zipped. She said she eats everything in sight in this town; she loves it here. Singing “Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man” was cute, if not exactly musical. But she indulged me, and I was smiling hard. I didn’t do the yodel thing. During the after show the doorbell rang and it was Miss “Delta Dawn,” Tanya Tucker herself; Isaac almost fell off his chair. She is a hot mess in the best way. She’s a WWHL fan, crazily.
Took a lot of pics after the show and I was so tired I could barely move. I just shut down, but I had to power back up for the Tina Fey show two hours later. She is so unassuming, always smart and funny. After that was over Michael Davies came and we all toasted his fiftieth birthday, then retired to my office to watch the one thousandth show, which wasn’t as great as it seemed nine hours earlier when we did it.
THURSDAY, MARCH 3, 2016—NYC—PALM BEACH—NYC
Off to The Breakers for an “Old Bags Luncheon” with six hundred fancy plastic-surgeried Palm Beach ladies in attendance. I guess I told Victor last night that I was getting picked up at 6:45 this morning because he rang my bell to wake me up at 6:15, which was really sweet, although little did he know I’d given myself seven minutes to get ready and set the alarm for 6:38. I was, amazingly, not too tired and worked the whole flight. At The Breakers, I said, “You are all so attractive, one of you could be Trump’s fourth wife.” Crickets. Then I said, “But that would be a nice thing.” I dunno. I moved on to my camp letters. Had a meet and greet after and it was about fifty women saying, “I’m the co-chair,” “I’m the co-chair,” and you have to make a big deal of each one because they’re the co-chair. It happens every time.
Made the driver stop at a McDonald’s and savored two delicious cheeseburgers, a large fries, and a Diet Coke while gabbing to Bruce on my headset. Stomachache kicked in about when I landed. Went home, grabbed the dog, and went to the Clubhouse for the Kim Richards interview, which was not great. She looked good, but her addiction is of course a sad topic and she’s a little scattered. John Legend wants to do a bit on Sunday where he rings the doorbell and walks in and steals his Grammy back from the set. Mom is furious at me for making Trump jokes in Palm Beach.
FRIDAY, MARCH 4, 2016—SUNDAY, MARCH 6, 2016—NYC—SAG HARBOR—NYC
Drove out to the beach and built a lovely fire, then ate at the counter at Sam’s. Watched the Sally Field movie Hello, My Name Is Doris, which was weird. Heidi Schaeffer called to say no Burt Reynolds questions for Sally Field, which wasn’t top of my mind. I asked if I could say we are neighbors and she said sure. In the meantime, Wacha was restless all day, so I went to Jimmy’s to run him with Gary Fallon. Jimmy and I had a quick Jacuzzi and once back home I tried to nap, made tea, got high, put on Ibiza Sonica, and got in a great couple hours of productivity before meeting Bethenny at East Hampton Grill for an end-of-shooting dinner. We tried coming up with her tag line and she wrote them all on the paper tablecloth. We liked something about “all show and no go” or “all go and no show.” Went home and dreamed Bruce had to step in to interview Hillary Clinton on WWHL, and I showed up halfway through act one and I asked him if I should step in and take over the show and he said no. Then in the morning I told Bruce the story and realized maybe it’s because I’m giving him a radio show and maybe I’m worried Radio Andy will become Radio Bruce. Met Marci at Poxobogue for lunch and inhaled, I mean ate, at the counter. Pancakes, eggs sunny side up, and bacon. Nancy Reagan died.
MONDAY, MARCH 7, 2016
I had two massive fits on the subway today in front of crowded trains. I was on the way home from Radio Andy and had to get home to dose the dog at a very specific time for his vet appointment, but there was an injury on the train in front of us so we had to get out and I mistakenly got on a subway that was running express. So that was fit number one. I publicly stomped my foot! I was so lame. Then the second train was taking forever and I did it again, on the platform.
We had success at the vet! Well, Brandon took him, and somehow they were able to do what they needed. Sally Field was on the show and greeted me with: “What more can you do in that apartment?!?” Dinner in Brooklyn with Jeanne, Fred, and the boys.
TUESDAY, MARCH 8, 2016
Took Wacha back to the vet to show him it’s not a scary place. It worked. Saw my Ninja. Got a tweet from a lady saying she was bored with my guests last night and I need to step it up. I said, “Well, I’ve had Tina Fey, Loretta Lynn, and Sally Field in the last week.” She responded that none of them interest her. I wrote and deleted three nasty responses to this lady with impossibly high standards. Then I looked at her profile and she’s a massive Trump fan and that’s all I needed to know. I responded that I would try to round up a gaggle of Donald’s ex-wives, maybe that’d entertain her. All I do is fight with Trump supporters on Twitter. I cannot stop myself. The man is disgusting me in ways I didn’t know I could be disgusted and the media is playing into his hands. He’s a thin-skinned, flip-flopping orange sham who has manipulated them perfectly. I remember after the Miss Universe pageant one year he offered me a ride home on his plane and I didn’t go because I didn’t want to be beholden to him. I flew commercial instead. I knew then! The vulgarity at the debate the other night went too far—and this is the Housewives guy saying it. I thought politicians were supposed to have class and dignity! Interviewed Padma about her new book at Barnes and Noble, then had the Broad City girls on WWHL and they were magnificent.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9, 2016—NYC—LOS ANGELES
It was a long flight to LA, and I went directly to the Beverly Hills Palm to tape the pilot for Lunch with Bruce for Radio Andy. Ran around going to furniture stores that Eric Hughes had recommended, which was overwhelming, but I found a few things. Drinks with Serwatka at the To
wer, where I ran into Jason Kander. He is running for Senate in Missouri and I’m going to help him raise money. Dinner at Bruce and Bryan’s.
THURSDAY, MARCH 10, 2016—LOS ANGELES—LAGUNA BEACH
Taped the Beverly Hills reunion today, which was emotional. Vanderpump felt ganged up on and so did Yolanda. We wrapped at 9:00 p.m. and I went directly to the Montage in Laguna Beach and had dinner alone outside by the beach. It was romantic. On that note, I invited #BAS to Bruce’s birthday week on the boat at the end of the month. Anderson gets in tomorrow for our Orange County show.
FRIDAY, MARCH 11, 2016—LAGUNA BEACH
I knew that coming to Orange County was going to throw me in the middle of a hive of OC Housewives, but I didn’t know how it’d play out. When Anderson and I announced the date, Tamra texted saying she’d love to come and I said of course, it’s my pleasure. I had not invited the others because I didn’t want them to feel obligated to attend, but now I knew that they’d see Tamra’s Instagram and possibly get pissed at me for not inviting them.
It all started the second I Instagrammed a picture of the beach in Laguna this morning. Alexis Bellino texted to tell me that my “favorite former OC wife is coming to see you tonight,” and I replied that she should come backstage and say hi at 7:00 p.m., knowing that I’d told Tamra to come at 7:15 and hoping they wouldn’t run into each other because they are enemies. And then I realized that the montage of reunion-show moments we run during the show features Tamra calling Alexis “Jesus Jugs.” So then I texted her and warned her that there was a clip of that moment, which took some explaining. It was supposed to pour all day but we got bright sun until about 1:00 p.m., so I was by the pool when Slade Smiley texted (yes, we occasionally text) saying that he and Gretchen wanted to come “support” me (people on the Real Housewives “support” each other by going to their hair-care line launches, etc.) by coming to my event. I said I would’ve loved for them to be my guests but that we were completely sold out, which was the truth.
Anderson arrived at 2:00 p.m. from Miami, where he had hosted yet another debate. I was so happy to see him; it felt like it had been forever. We had a deep, nonstop gossipy lunch, then I Jacuzzied in the rain with a twink named Bailey who turned out to be straight. At the show, a ton of people were backstage for both of us—Diane Ronnau, Nanci Ryder, Amy Introcaso-Davis. Tamra arrived with her friends and kind of camped out by our bottle of tequila in the dressing room (Tamra wasn’t drinking because she’s prepping for a body-building competition—you heard me) and Alexis showed up in the hallway and didn’t see her inside. Crisis averted, until I got a text from Tamra minutes before the show saying, “Thanks for putting Alexis in front of me.” I said, “Sweetie, I didn’t do the seating!” Apparently they kind of made up, for the moment. So I felt good about peace in Orange County.
SATURDAY, MARCH 12, 2016—LAGUNA BEACH—SANTA BARBARA
On the drive to Montecito I told Anderson who was coming backstage tonight: Brandy and Julie from The People’s Couch, Doug Davidson from The Young and the Restless, and Oprah’s flight attendant (set up through Gayle). We deduced that since Oprah’s flight attendant is in town it must mean that she is too because he would be where the plane is, and I lamented that we most likely wouldn’t be getting an invitation to the site of the Legends Ball (I’m obsessed with the Legends Ball) for a sunset shot of tequila. We checked into the Four Seasons and walked right into a mother of a bride who wanted Anderson to take pictures with the bridal party. She didn’t seem to know who I was, so I bolted to the pool. Returning from my vitamin D fix, I ran into all the tuxedoed groomsmen (there were twelve!) and we took photos together. Titillating!
When I got back to the room I saw that Oprah had Instagrammed a picture of herself on a porch with some of the girls from her school. I could smell from the picture that she was there, practically in the same ZIP code as me! Moments later I randomly received an email from Gayle, who must’ve been catching up on RHOBH because she had a lot of thoughts for me, which meant it was a perfect opportunity to remind her that AC and I were in Santa Barbara and essentially available for sunset tequila at the site of the Legends Ball. She thanked me again for agreeing to say hi to the flight attendant but otherwise didn’t take the bait.
The show was interesting; neither of us had a sense of whether it was any good or not although everyone at the meet and greet after was very drunk and happy. Second night in a row that we didn’t go out or party after the show—we’re getting old.
SUNDAY, MARCH 13, 2016—SANTA BARBARA—NYC
Awoke with a start at seven-thirty to this text message from Gayle: “Do you and AC want to have brunch at Oprah’s at ten-thirty? Let me know!” Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? I replied that not only do I typically have FOMO but this morning, as I rushed to LAX to get a flight home for a live show (Kandi and RuPaul), I had FOMOBO, which is Fear of Missing Out on Brunch at Oprah’s. She said that was a shame because it was going to be small, just Stedman and some girls from Oprah’s school, and that the food is always delicious. I was almost in the belly of the Legends Ball! For breakfast! Pancakes with Oprah! I emailed SJP on the plane and she said I’ll get an invitation another time and I said won’t. Would I have been a “young’un” or a “legend”? I will never find out! William H. Macy and Melanie Griffith were on the plane. They ain’t Oprah.
MONDAY, MARCH 14, 2016
I went from one fun thing to the next today, feeling grateful for my life. Radio Andy this morning was Sally Field and Henry Winkler. I got Stacey to come on with him and it was fun hearing about their marriage. On my way out I told Sally I was taking the subway and she said her son won’t let her. I said you must, it’s the fastest. Went home, changed for my show, kikied with Bruce and walked over to the apartment for my weekly meeting and Sally was just walking into the building from Sirius. See that?! The subway saves time! The floors are going into the new apartment and they’re beautiful. Tiles are starting to materialize for the bathrooms, tubs are going in. It’s coming together—slowly. Reunited with Wacha in the sweetest way at WWHL, where I taped Catherine O’Hara and Eugene Levy (pinch me), then headed up to the Jewish Museum for the opening of Isaac Mizrahi’s stunning retrospective. Then it was back to WWHL for Lisa Vanderpump, who was a lot of fun. Is that a good day or what? It sort of makes up for missing brunch at Oprah’s. Sort of.
TUESDAY, MARCH 15, 2016
Had such a heart boner at the gym today. I was boxing with the Ninj and we were talking about life, and I was saying that there are no guarantees that anyone will be interested in me in a couple years so I am taking every job and opportunity right now. He said his long-term goal is to buy his son a house and that’s what he’s saving for, and that with his daughter going to school and his nephew out of the house he was thinking of taking in some foster kids. With everything this guy has going on—showing up to work at 5:00 a.m., putting a daughter through school, a son and wife—he is thinking of taking in some foster kids. I almost cried while I was boxing at the generosity of spirit of this wonderful man. It reaffirmed everything good that is possible in people and life and love. I had so much love for the Ninj it was almost hard to hit him. Not that my cross hooks make any difference to him.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16, 2016
Dreamed I was dead, wandering around the afterlife with Lisa Rinna, who was wearing white jeans and a white top. The dream stayed with me all day through rehearsals of Blast Your Past, which is a mix of WWHL and This Is Your Life. I don’t know how the show is going to be—I was walking out and asked Dave Brecher (he’s doing prompter on the pilot too) what he thinks of it and he said, “Well, you have to do something to pass the time.” Not what you want to hear.
THURSDAY, MARCH 17, 2016
Taped the Blast Your Past pilot, which went well. All the NBC guys loved it, but then you hear in a week that it ultimately isn’t right. TV development is like a fishing expedition; you just can never tell. Met Eric Hughes at the apartment and chose colors and stuff. Loved it. The gue
st bedroom is kind of a Mexican beach house with sunset wallpaper. Hunter green in the guest bath, red in the powder room to complement the cherry-gold Warhol wallpaper. Dinner with Amanda.
FRIDAY, MARCH 18, 2016
We shot the Potomac reunion in NYC, so I only had to go uptown. It started at eleven and wrapped by six. Civilized! It was funny, too. They were all in sequins. They don’t know the show is picked up, but it is.
Started thinking that maybe #BAS doesn’t want to go on the trip for Bruce’s birthday. He is in hell with his thesis and hasn’t fully committed to coming, and it’s next week. I texted and said, “In case you don’t know it, I really want you to come and I think it’ll be fun.” Dinner with Hickey, Jeffrey, Matthew, and SJP at Via Carota, which was wonderful, then hung out at Scottie’s house. On the way home SJP suggested getting a slice at that great place on Sixteenth and Seventh—you don’t have to twist my arm. I came home and ate a pint of peppermint-bark gelato. I cannot believe I’m now keeping ice cream in the house. Who am I? Have been on a documentary tear: Nora Ephron, Michael Jackson, Robert Mapplethorpe—all great.