by Penny Dee
Daddy’s coffin was lowered into the ground as the bright Destiny sun warmed our backs and a gentle breeze blew in from the south. Mom knelt by his grave and cried while I stared at my toes. I felt empty. I wanted to run back to Seattle, to my safe, comfortable life.
Ronnie touched my elbow. “Come on, honey. Let’s get your mama back to the clubhouse for your daddy’s farewell.”
In the back of the car, I curled into my mom like I used to as a kid, and she wrapped her arms around me. I felt her sigh and her breathing calmed. We didn’t talk, but the affection was comforting and warm. Anson sat in front with Ronnie, quietly taking in the landscape of Destiny as it rolled past.
“Are you okay, Mama?” I asked when the car pulled up at the clubhouse.
She smiled softly. Her tears had dried and she was composed. It was typical of my mom. She had done what she needed to do, allowed herself to feel the pain and emotion of her loss, but now she would square her shoulders and get on with things. She wouldn’t wallow in her heartache; she would take that first tentative step in moving forward. It’s what the women of the MC did.
“I’m going to be fine.” She squeezed my hands. “And so are you.”
Our shared smile was warm and my heart swelled. I missed her. I couldn’t even remember the last time we’d been this close. My chest tightened. Maybe running home to Seattle the following day was a bit too soon. Maybe I could stay just a few more days and get in some much-needed time with my mom. Plus, Mirabella had been pretty insistent about me staying for the wedding.
The clubhouse was already bustling with activity when we walked in.
I sat with my mom and made idle chit-chat with everyone who stopped by our table to offer their condolences. I was determined to keep my mind off Cade and the things that had happened over the past couple of days. But that was a lot easier in theory than practice. I couldn’t help but seek him out in the crowd of Kings of Mayhem cuts, and every time I saw him, my stomach flared with longing.
Twelve years apart had done little to ease the affect he had on me. I could accept that now. I just needed to keep myself at a safe distance from him before I fucking fell into bed with him again and lost another little piece of my heart.
When he approached the table, my mom took one look at Cade’s face and she knew. She glanced at me, and then back at him again, and I saw the realization flicker across her face. She squeezed my hand and then excused herself with some bullshit about using the restroom.
“Thanks for helping organize all of this,” I said to Cade once we were alone.
He nodded curtly and his jaw ticked. “It’s what family does.”
An awkwardness hung in the air.
“How are you?” I asked, feeling uncomfortable.
“I’m fine.” But he wasn’t, he and I both knew that. “What about you? Are you okay?”
I could see he was struggling with his feelings toward me and about Anson not just being my boyfriend, but my fiancé. He was hurt. Confused. Angry. And I got it. Actually, I depended on him feeling all that stuff. Because then maybe, just maybe, he would stay the fuck away from me like I needed him to.
I nodded, avoiding his handsome face by studying my toes. “Yes. Thank you.”
But when I looked up and saw the hurt and thinly veiled heartache, I couldn’t bring myself to look away. He was clenching his jaw and barely containing his emotions. His blue eyes glittered like sapphires. “Well, I guess I’ll leave you to it.”
I struggled to swallow the giant lump in my throat. And in that moment, I wanted to say and do so many things. I wanted to throw my arms around him and inhale his familiar and comforting scent deep down into my soul. I wanted to trust that I could fall in love with this man, be with him, and know that without a doubt, my heart was safe with him. Safe from hurt. Safe from aching. Safe from being ripped out of my chest by him when he fucked another woman.
But that would never happen. Because Cade was the object of desire for almost every woman he met. They wanted him. They wanted to touch him. Flirt with him. Fuck him. And while he barely glanced at them now, I couldn’t live with the threat that one day he might.
My heart hardened and I raised my chin. Yeah, one day he might just do that. Again.
“Thanks,” I said, deciding in that very moment that no matter how much I wanted to be in his arms again, I would do whatever it took to keep Cade at a safe and unfuckable distance.
And with that I stood up and walked away.
CADE
Now
I made sure I avoided them throughout Jackie’s wake and then left early, taking off into the dusk on my bike. I rode for hours—in no real direction, with no real destination. I just couldn’t be around them. Indy and Anson.
Engaged. She was fucking engaged. To that preppy fucktard!
I felt gutted. My dream of a future with Indy was not just out of my reach, it was blown to smithereens like a fucking car bomb.
I wasn’t sure how long I rode for. But when I pulled into my mom’s driveway later that night, the moon was high and the stars were bright, and apart from the streetlights that lined the sidewalk, the street was cloaked in darkness.
When I climbed off my bike I glanced over at Indy’s window. It was dark and there were no signs of life. But she was there. With him. And knowing she was sleeping in his arms on the other side of that glass was torture. Pure fucking torture.
I could’ve slept at the clubhouse. I should’ve. But there was that pathetic need in me to at least be close to her while I could, even if she was with another man. In a few days she would be gone and I would have to learn to live without her all over again.
Feeling that all-too-familiar ache in my chest, I turned my back and made my way inside my house, and headed straight to the bottle of Jack in the liquor cabinet.
Drinking her off my mind had never worked before. But damn if I wasn’t going to give it another try.
The following day, the club held a memorial barbecue for Jackie. I didn’t want to go but I couldn’t avoid it. All members were expected to be there.
It wouldn’t be a somber affair like the wake. This was the opportunity for everyone to celebrate, drink, listen to music, reminisce, and get messy. There would be booze, barbecue, live music, and women. When it came to hosting visiting charters, the Kings of Mayhem Originals knew how to put on a good party.
I was in the bar of the clubhouse when Indy and Anson walked in. I told myself to look away, but there was a serious communication breakdown between my brain and my eyes. So I just stood there, like a dick, beer bottle half-way to my lips, unable to tear my gaze off them.
It took Joker patting me on the back to pull my attention away from them.
“Looks like Indy traded up in her absence,” he joked, shaking his head and flipping open a beer bottle. As he walked past, I gave him a special salute with my middle finger.
I took a long pull of my beer, draining it before banging it down on the counter. I stole another glance at Indy and Anson as they made their way in the opposite direction, stopping so Indy could introduce Anson to Isaac and Cherry, and Cherry’s sister, Ashlee.
My heart ached at the sight of them. I just didn’t get it. What the hell was the other night all about? I thought I had my girl back. Then I saw the look in Indy’s eyes and I realized the other night wasn’t about reconnecting at all. It was her saying goodbye.
I watched Anson slide his arm around her waist. Fury tore through me and it took everything I had to restrain myself from throwing him against the wall and fucking him up for having his hands on my girl. For touching her. For loving her. For offering her the life she deserved—the one I couldn’t.
Indy didn’t even glance my way, but she knew. I could see it all over her face. She knew what was taking place inside me and she didn’t even flinch. Payback’s a bitch, Cade.
With my fists at my side, I drew in a deep breath and nodded. I had broken us all those years ago, but Indy had just closed the book on us for good.
I took one final look at the girl I would never have, and without another word, I walked away.
It was more than an hour later when I caught up with Indy at the bar. I couldn’t see where Anson was, but I didn’t give a fuck and took advantage of the moment alone with her.
She was flipping the tops off a couple of beers when I came up behind her.
“Does he know how well I know you?” I said, standing right behind her so she had nowhere to go, my lips brushing her ear as I leaned in and asked, “Inside and out?”
She swung around to glare at me.
“That’s none of your business,” she snapped.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong.” My eyes burned into hers. “It became my business the moment you climbed on my cock and cheated on him.”
She barely flinched at my words. I’d just accused her of cheating on her fiancé and her face remained completely unresponsive. She had one hell of a poker face.
Planting her palms on my chest, she pushed me back.
“You think because I fucked you that you know everything about me?” She cocked an eyebrow at me, her gaze unwavering as she said, “You know nothing about me or my relationship.”
“Maybe I don’t. But let’s recap what I do know.” My eyes narrowed slightly as I struggled to regain my temper. “I know that the night before last you wanted nothing more than to make love to me. That while your fiancé was back in Seattle, you were loving me. Touching me. Begging me to make love to you. And it wasn’t fucking. So don’t try to deny it. You made love to me because you still fucking love me. Just like I love you. So why don’t you quit fucking lying to me and admit it.”
She took a step toward me and stared right into my eyes. “So what if I do. It wasn’t enough last time, so why in the hell would it be enough now?”
And then pushing past my shoulders, she walked away from me.
CADE—Aged 17
Then
I lay on my bed and tried not to look. I tried not to feel what I was feeling. Tried to ignore the physical yearning and pleading of my body when I thought of her. But I couldn’t. And even though I knew it was wrong, I turned my head to look out the window and across into Indy’s bedroom and watch as she stepped out of the sundress she’d been wearing and let it drop to the floor. My body ached for her and my heart longed to feel her in my arms. I wanted to do the things to her that I did with Mallory Massey, Cathy Winters, and Jane Peters.
And Kelly Brunton from PE class.
And Julie Anderson who was a grade above us and who liked to sneak me dirty notes when we passed each other in the school corridor between classes.
But this was Indy we were talking about. My Indy. My best friend for as far back as I could remember. I had no business wanting to do those things with her. I loved her too much.
Yet lately, every time I saw her, my stomach would twist like a tightly coiled spring. And at night, my body would heat up and harden with thoughts I usually saved for Mallory, Cathy, Jane, Kelly, and Julie. And every other goddamn female, because let’s face it, I was a seventeen-year-old boy and all of a sudden, every feeling, every sensation I had was heightened like I was on some kind of mind-blowing drug.
But I didn’t act on my feelings toward her. I hid them. I tried to distance myself from her, and I would keep distancing myself from her until I felt normal again. But it had been weeks—months, and my longing for her was only getting stronger.
So, I resorted to this, sitting here on my bed in the dark like a fucking freak, staring across the yard at her bedroom window, watching her undress.
Call me perverted.
Call me a fucking psycho.
But it was better than confessing to her that I was in a permanent state of longing for her. She would laugh at me. Hell, she’d probably put her fist in my jaw and call me a fucking weirdo.
She wouldn’t be wrong.
If it weren’t for the fact that Mallory was coming over later, I’d probably have to take care of what was raging in my jeans.
But for now, I would have to settle for silently watching the girl I had fallen in love with but could never have.
She disappeared from view and I waited, wondering what she was up to. When she reappeared, she was wearing jeans and a simple tank top. Even from this distance I could see the muscle tone of her arms, and the smooth tan she had gotten over the summer. I watched, mesmerized, as she brushed her long blonde hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. Desire tore through me. In my mind, she smelled like sunshine and jasmine, and her skin felt like velvet to touch. In my mind, her lips were like wine and I longed to drink from her.
Oh Christ.
What. The. Fuck. Was. Wrong. With. Me.
I heard a car pull up. Even though I couldn’t see from where I sat on my bed, I knew it would be Mallory. She was early. But when the knock on the door didn’t come to my front door, I leaned forward to get a better look out the window, and saw Tommy Baker standing on Indy’s front step.
Alarm lurched through me.
What the fuck was Tommy Baker doing at Indy’s house?
I rushed to the window and gripped the windowsill until I was white knuckled.
Seconds later, Indy’s front door opened and Jackie Parrish filled the doorway.
Relief flooded through me. No way in hell Jackie would let that preppy little fuck anywhere near his daughter.
Yeah, Jackie. You stop that sonofabitch from being anywhere near your daughter. He’s a skeeze, Jackie. A real skeeze.
But relief turned to panic when I saw them shake hands and Jackie invited him inside. Granted, Jackie didn’t look impressed, but then, Jackie never did. It didn’t mean he saw Tommy for the douche that he was. I gripped the windowsill even tighter until the tips of my fingers stung with pain.
Indy’s light turned off and I watched in misery as the front door opened again, and she stepped into the dusk with Tommy Baker at her side.
They were going on a date.
Heat prickled at the base of my skull.
If he touched her, I was going to break every bone in his dweeby little body.
I grabbed my phone and texted Mallory. Sorry, babe, have to cancel tonight.
I couldn’t hang out with Mallory now. Not when Indy was out with that douchebag. Last week he had bragged in the locker room about finger fucking Mindy Carlton. Last month it was about Laura Hope, and how he’d fucked her in the back seat of his daddy’s Ford. If he bragged about Indy that way . . .
I turned around and punched a hole in my wall. Pain glowed in my knuckles but I couldn’t care less. Not when my girl was out with a maggot.
I waited until they left, then knocked on her front door.
Jackie answered almost immediately. “What can I do for you, son?”
“Is Indy home?” I asked, knowing full well she wasn’t.
“Just missed her. Gone to the movies with some preppy kid from school.”
There was only one cinema in Destiny, so it would be easy to find them.
I played it cool. “Okay, no problem. Guess I will catch up with her tomorrow.”
Jackie’s eyes glittered across at me from his heavily bearded face. And something told me that he knew what was going on. “They didn’t go to the movies in town. Said they was going to see some early release over in Humphrey.”
Yeah, Jackie knew, all right. He knew exactly how I felt about his daughter. Hell, he had probably known longer than I had.
“Thanks,” I said.
I didn’t even bother waiting until I was out of sight before running to my car. I jumped in and took off toward Humphrey.
Two hours, two sticks of gum, and almost a full packet of cigarettes later, I watched Indy finally emerge from the cinema with Tommy. It was dark out. A light rain had started to fall, and as they made their way along the boardwalk toward his car, Tommy pulled off his jacket and wrapped it around Indy’s shoulders. Jealousy twisted in my gut. The way he had his arm around her. The closeness of his body to hers. My
heart felt like it was stuck in a vise and someone was tightening it.
I lit another cigarette and watched as he opened the door to his car—the very car where he had fucked Laura Hope last month—and then scooted around to the driver’s side. For a while, they didn’t go anywhere. They just sat and talked—only talked. I could see from where I sat, my eyes glued to his car, as I kept dragging on my cigarette. After about ten minutes, he gunned the engine and they pulled out of the parking lot and drove away. I followed them through the rainy streets, my gut stirring, my heart thumping, my anger slowly simmering beneath my skin when I realized he was taking her to Cavalry Hill.
The number one make-out spot in town.
INDY
Now
The plain and simple truth was this: Anson and I had broken up a couple of months before my father’s death.
A brilliant trauma surgeon, Anson had been offered a position in a world-renowned Swiss medical facility almost a year into our relationship. He had asked me to marry him because it would be easier for me to follow him to Switzerland as his wife, so in one afternoon I had agreed to be his wife and to follow him half way around the world. But I had agreed to marry him for all the wrong reasons. Because I needed more time to think about the offer, and agreeing to it seemed like a better option than turning him down and breaking his heart in one fell swoop.
Two months later, and I’d had all the time I needed. I wasn’t going. And I wasn’t going to marry him either.
So, we had broken up in a surprisingly un-painful and calm manner, and I remember thinking at the time how bizarre it seemed, breaking up with my fiancé and feeling completely and utterly … relieved.
Then two months later my daddy died.
When I had weakened and given into my traitorous urges toward Cade, Anson and I weren’t together. But he had shown up, unannounced and uninvited as a show of friendly support, and seeing him was exactly what my confused and battered emotions needed. He was my safe house. I felt emotionally bruised by Cade and my father’s death, and seeing something so safe and familiar in Anson I had grabbed onto him for dear life so I didn’t have to face my feelings toward the other things going on around me.