“I’ll wait until you come for a visit and let you have free reign,” he promised, though his words made my heart ache a bit. We had made ambiguous plans for me to fly down and see him over fall break, but I wasn’t sure if that would be okay with my parents. And their approval was essential given they’d be paying for it.
But I didn’t want to rain on his parade, so I only nodded and made noises of agreement.
After giving Clay the grand tour of my cubbyhole, our conversation inevitably turned more serious. It was already ten o’clock and I knew Ashley would be back soon. She had tried to convince me to go to some sorority rush meeting but I had politely declined. I had no interest in any of that.
“I miss you so much, Maggie,” Clay said softly, leaning toward the screen. His face filled my vision and my heart hurt at the sadness in his eyes.
“I miss you too,” I whispered even though I was alone. “Do you think…I know it’s probably asking a lot, but that maybe you could come up here for a visit?” I asked him, already fearing the answer.
Clay closed his eyes and I could read the pain on his face clearly. This was the expression he wore when he had to disappoint me.
“I don’t think that’s an option for me right now. I want to…more than you know…but with just moving into Rose Heights and getting started with case management and meeting with my new therapist…” he trailed off and I knew he hated to deny me anything.
I felt selfish for even bringing it up. It wasn’t fair to ask that of him when he was trying so hard to make things right for the both of us. But I couldn’t help the twinge of resentful disappointment all the same.
“I know, Clay. I’m being silly. We’ll see each other soon,” I said, making a promise I didn’t know either of us could keep.
Clay sighed deeply. “I love you, Maggie. More than anything,” he told me, his words coming out as a plea.
“I love you,” I replied just as earnestly.
Before we could say anything else, the door swung open. Ashley ran into the room, followed by two guys I didn’t recognize.
“Maggie, you need to come with us! Josh and Brent live one floor down and they want to take us to a party off campus!” Ashley cried, pulling on my arm.
Clay’s jaw tightened as the two unknown guys came into view. Ashley giggled when she realized who I was talking to.
“Is this Clay? Oh my god, Maggie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt!” Ashley apologized, giving my boyfriend a pretty smile. Sometimes it was easy to forget the effect my boy had on the opposite sex. I tried to ignore the quick flash of jealousy that sparked deep in my gut. Because jealousy was a useless emotion and one that was completely unnecessary.
Especially since I picked up on his own feelings of jealousy as Clay eyed Josh and Brent. They stood awkwardly with sheepish smiles on their faces. They were cute. But they weren’t Clayton Reed.
“I don’t think so…”I began but Clay cut me off.
“You go on, Mags. I’ve got to get going anyway,” he said, his voice clipped and annoyed.
Was he angry with me?
“I’d rather talk to you,” I said, dropping my words into a whisper. Clay clenched his jaw and shook his head. Shit, I didn’t like the look on his face…at all.
“Go have fun. We can talk tomorrow,” Clay said, eyeing the guys again. Christ, if looks could kill.
I didn’t want to end the conversation like this. And not with an audience. I turned to my roommate and gave her a pointed look.
Ashley, who perhaps wasn’t as clueless as she let on, got to her feet. “We’ll wait for you in the lobby! Bye Clay!” she wiggled her fingers at my boyfriend who had become cool and distant.
Josh and Brent gave me a quick smile before following Ashley out into the hallway. I looked at Clay, who was obviously trying to get himself under control.
“I can stay here. We can talk some more,” I said quietly, placating.
Clay took a deep breath and his face relaxed and his teeth unclenched. He gave me an embarrassed grimace.
“Stop it, Maggie. You need to go and be a college student, not worrying about your fucked up boyfriend,” he said sadly.
I felt instantly defensive. “You stop it, Clay! Don’t say shit like that! It’s not fair,” I ground out.
Clay lifted his hand and touched the screen, bowing his head down. “It’s not. I’m sorry. Go. Please. Have fun for both of us. I’ll be here tomorrow. And every day after that,” he swore. And just like that my irritation fell away.
I pressed my own hand against my computer, willing myself to feel his skin. “I love you, Clay. Don’t ever forget that,” I said more harshly than I intended.
Clay looked up at me, his eyes boring straight into mine with a love that would never burn out.
“You have my heart, Maggie. Keep it safe.”
I tapped my pencil against my thigh and looked out the window into the parking lot beside the Rose Heights office building. I was waiting for Roberta to come back with the paperwork from the local community college that I needed to fill out.
September had already come and gone and now I was walking into October with a plan of action. Roberta, for all of her scary drill sergeant ways, kicked serious ass as a case manager. I had never been so focused and on task in my entire life.
She had already helped me to navigate the government red tape in order to get my housing subsidized. Next on her list, she had me going to a community job fair where I sat down and interviewed for not one, not two, but three different jobs.
Funnily enough, the one I had decided on was as a part time library assistant. Mr. Young would be either proud or shocked.
We had discussed my long-term goals and I had mentioned wanting to become a counselor. Roberta hadn’t seemed remotely surprised by this. She told me that a lot of counselors went into the field because of a personal connection. I guess if anyone could understand how to navigate through the crazy, it would be someone who had experienced it first hand.
She encouraged me to enroll at the local community college. “Just take a few classes, see what you think. No pressure. If you don’t like it, no big deal,” Roberta suggested. And I couldn’t fault that irrefutable logic.
Over the last month, I had come to realize that there was no arguing with Roberta Silva. Her brusque personality, while at first had made me want to hide under my bed, now was almost reassuring. I knew she’d give it to me straight, no sugar coating.
I couldn’t help but give myself an internal fist pump at the way I had transitioned into the group home. Sharing your space with three other people, particularly people who were dealing with their own level of bullshit and trauma wasn’t ideal, bit it wasn’t so bad either.
Ryan and Kyle continued to keep to themselves. I rarely saw them. I knew that Ryan worked at the grocery store down the road; stocking shelves and kept strange hours. Neil was going to school at the community college as well. He was getting a bunch of tech certifications and spent most of his time in his room in front of the computer. And when they were home, they were playing Call of Duty until all hours of the night.
The only person I interacted with on a semi regular basis was Oscar. But his extreme paranoia and social phobias made it difficult to have a lengthy conversation with him about anything beyond the weather.
The only time I really talked to all of them at the same time was three times a week for group meetings.
It was just as well. I wasn’t there to make friends. And most of the time it felt like I had the place to myself. The staff checked in twice a day but for the most part, we were left to live as independently as we were able to.
Roberta came back into her office and shut the door behind her. Her steps heavy as she walked around to her desk and had a seat. She pushed a pile of papers towards me. “This is the registration packet. One of your goals for this week will be to call the school and set up a time to go to sit down with the registrar. Sort through this paperwork, see what financial aid you’re eligi
ble for. We can talk about what you learned at our meeting next week.” Roberta wrote down some notes on the pad of paper she kept on hand.
I picked up the papers and shoved them into the folder on my lap. When Roberta was finished writing, she handed me a slip of paper with a list of three items that I was tasked with accomplishing for the week. Visit community college. Fill out paperwork. Research financial aid options. Seemed easy enough.
I signed off on the goals and put my copy, with the college stuff, in the folder.
Roberta folded her hands and leaned on her elbows. “How are things going at the house? Any issues I need to be made aware of?” she asked me, raising an eyebrow. She had a way of asking things that made me feel like I was sat in the principal’s office. It wasn’t me Ms. Silva! I didn’t do it!
“Not that I know of?” The statement came out as a question. Roberta clicked her tongue.
“I haven’t heard of any problems, I just like to ask,” she said with a small smile. I got the distinct impression she liked to make people squirm, particularly me.
“Don’t forget your art therapy starts tomorrow morning. And support group is tonight at six. If there aren’t any concerns, let’s call it a day,” Roberta got to her feet and went to open her door.
I followed suit and went through the doorway, giving my case manager an easy smile. “Thanks Roberta, you know I appreciate it,” I said oozing just enough charm to crack through her prison guard persona.
She swatted my arm and gave me a genuine smile. “Get out of here, I have other clients to see,” she said harshly but still wearing that incongruent smile.
I chuckled and headed back to the house. Using my keys, I unlocked the front door. Jason, the behavioral aide was in the kitchen with Oscar, helping him to cook something. Both looked up when I walked in but only Jason greeted me. Oscar returned his focus to mixing something in a very large bowl.
I didn’t feel insulted or rebuffed by being ignored like that. I didn’t live with people who understood basic social skills. I went up the stairs. I could hear a television blaring and knew that either Kyle or Ryan were home, but all the doors on the first floor were closed.
The whole point of group living was to instill social supports. I think these guys missed that particular therapy memo. Not that I was complaining. I wasn’t there to swear brotherhood to a bunch of strangers.
My goals were more fixed than that.
On the second floor, I headed right and opened the door to my room. I had taken Maggie’s advice and prettied it up a bit. Or at least tried as much as my guy fashion sense would allow.
I had felt like a total douchebag going to Walmart and getting throw pillows and pictures to hang on the walls. I had hoped to impress Maggie if she came down for a visit over fall break. But with her classes ending this Friday there had been no confirmation from Maggie. So I could only assume that she wasn’t coming.
I tried really hard not to be angry. But the desperate need to see her trumped rational thinking. And that stupid, insecure part of me worried that she was slowly and deliberately moving on.
Whether I wanted to or not, I obsessed at times about what she was doing at college. Yeah, she filled me in on classes and friends and parties but I couldn’t be sure she wasn’t keeping something from me.
And those fucking guys, Jackass and Jackassier seemed to come by every time we talked lately. I had tried to calmly ask who the fuck they were but Maggie laughed it off, saying they were her friends that lived in the dorm.
If they saw her as only a friend, than I’d cut off my left nut. Even through a damn computer screen I saw the way they looked at my girl. She was gorgeous; of course they’d look at her the way I always looked at her. And that filled me with a rage that was scary and consuming.
I knew being apart was going to be hard. I hadn’t been delusional. Even still, the sharp pain in the gut I felt every time I had to hang up the phone or shut down my computer, took the wind from my sails.
I was convinced it would be easier if I knew Maggie was at least making an effort to try to see me. I would be able to control all of these ridiculous insecurities if I knew we’d see each other soon.
But as things stood right now, I had no fucking clue when I’d see her again. And I wasn’t hearing her making any plans. I wanted her to live her life and do her thing, but I also needed to know that I fit into her world somehow.
Don’t judge me for being a whiny bitch. I hadn’t developed a bad case of PMS. I was just a guy trying to get better who needed reassurance that the girl he loved was right there beside me, where she said she would be.
Looking at the time, I knew Maggie had an hour before she had to be in her next class. Sitting down in front of the computer, I logged onto Skype and saw that she was online.
Feeling nervous and more than a little agitated, I called her. It rang once before she answered. I watched as her pixilated face cleared and she smiled brilliantly at me.
“Hey you,” she said softly, her brown eyes happy, her mouth smiling.
“Hey,” I said back, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back in my chair. I was in a defensive posture. I knew I was communicating a mad amount of tension. But I was feeling fucking tense and I wasn’t a guy who could cover up his emotions with random bullshit.
If I felt it, I said it. I lived it. I showed it. It’s who I was. So pretending otherwise wasn’t an option.
Maggie’s smile slipped and then finally disappeared. “What’s wrong?” she asked. We had moved way past beating around the bush. Maggie and I had learned the hard way it was better to get the nastiness out of the way so we could move on.
“Are you coming down here for fall break?” I asked shortly. Maggie’s face shuttered instantly and the grim set of her lips was all the answer I needed.
“I’ll take that as a no,” I bit out angrily.
Maggie rubbed her forehead, her eyes closing in exasperation. “Clay, don’t start this crap. I don’t have the money to fly myself and my parents won’t give me the money for that. Not right now,” she excused.
“Did you ask them?” I asked her.
Maggie chewed on her bottom lip and tucked her brown hair behind her ears. “I know what they would say,” she muttered.
“So you didn’t ask them. You don’t know for sure they would have said no,” I surmised, feeling a sad realization like a cold rejection in my heart. She hadn’t even tried.
Here I was, trying like hell to become the person she needed me to be. Planning a future that included her in every way possible. But was she doing the same?
Because right now, I wasn’t so sure.
“Clay, you know as well as I do that there was no way in hell my parents would fork over five hundred bucks for me to fly to Florida and back. Not when they’re still trying to get comfortable with you and me. I promise…”
I cut her off. “Save it, alright,” I growled.
Maggie’s shoulders drooped and I tried to ignore the sudden glassiness in her eyes. “Don’t you think I want to see you? That I feel only half alive without you? Don’t make this into something it isn’t,” she pleaded, wiping at her eyes.
I had to look away because if I focused on her sad face, I’d crumble. “What about me, Maggie? What do you think I’m feeling being down here? I don’t know what you’re doing. What you’re thinking,” I said bitterly.
Maggie laughed hatefully. “What I’m doing? Is that was this is about? Your ridiculous jealousy? I thought we got over that a long time ago, Clay…you know around the time I showed you how willing I was to throw my life away for you. How I’d follow you anywhere.”
I grit my teeth. I knew Maggie was pissed. That was the only time she’d throw the less savory pieces of our past in my face.
“Look, I’m sorry, Mags. I just didn’t realize how hard this would be. Maybe I can try to get up to see you. Come to Davidson for a few days,” I suggested illogically. There was no way Roberta would sign off on that. Plus I didn’t have the mo
ney for that kind of trip.
But at this point I’d fucking hitchhike if I could see Maggie.
Maggie’s anger melted away as quickly as mine had. “You know you can’t do that. I’ll talk to my parents, see if I can come down for Christmas…” she began but I shook my head.
“Let’s not make each other any promises we can’t keep right now. I’m not sure I can handle the disappointment,” I said, laughing humorlessly.
I was a tripwire set to detonate. These moments were a bitter reminder of the dark, twisted places my mind could go. Of where it still wanted to go.
I picked at the skin around my thumb, drawing blood. Seeing the bright red against my skin I stilled, gripping my hands into fists. “I’d better go,” I strangled out.
“Clay…” Maggie began. She shook her head, her face hidden by a long curtain of hair.
“You know I love you, right?” she asked and I hated how it felt she like was trying to convince both of us.
I nodded, still clenching my fists as tightly as they would go.
“Yeah, Mags. I know. I love you too,” I replied, the words as brittle as glass between my teeth.
Maggie was distracted by a knock on her door and I heard voices that had become unwelcomingly familiar.
“Just give me a minute to finish up and I’ll meet up with you,” Maggie was saying, her back to me as she spoke to the guy at her door.
The hateful coil of jealousy reared its head and without another word, and before Maggie could turn back around, I disconnected the call. I quickly logged out of my computer and slammed it closed with a decisive bang. I pulled the plug from the wall and the picked up the laptop and shoved it in my desk drawer as if I could shove away the ugly emotions burning a hole in my gut.
My breath came in painful bursts.
I had come so far. Yet how easy it was for me to lose all of that at the thought of Maggie disappearing forever.
FALL Break sucked a fat one. I spent most of the time volleying between being miserable and morose and being annoyed and pissed off. Rachel and Daniel had decided to stay at their school, so I didn’t even have my best friends to keep me company.
Warmth in Ice (A Find You in the Dark novella) Page 3