by Alice Ward
I wanted to tell them. I wanted everyone to know that this was what I was going through, but I was embarrassed that I was going through it at all. I was embarrassed that I had fallen so hard for a guy in only a month’s span, a guy that I hadn’t even really gotten to know because he hadn’t let me.
In all honesty, I was certain I had started falling in love with him. It wasn’t just that I liked him, that we got along well, that we were able to make each other laugh and turn each other on. I had actually started falling in love with him.
I’d started feeling those familiar feelings of need and desire intermingled with comfort and purpose. It had felt right, but not only had it felt right, it had felt perfect even with its imperfections.
Still, there I was, alone in my apartment like I’d been every night for the past seven days. Alone and feeling nothing but misery.
Jenna knew, of course. I hadn’t been able to hide that from her. After she’d basically ordered me to tell him how I was feeling and to ask him what was going on, she’d come to me the next day with that kind of military sergeant manner that would make anyone feel intimidated in her presence.
“Well?” she’d demanded when she walked into my cubicle. “Did you talk to him?”
All I’d had to do was look at her, and she knew. She knew that, yes, I had talked to him, and no, it hadn’t gone well. She could see that I was crushed in the way that my shoulders slumped and my mouth refused to tweak upwards at the ends even when she smiled at me, and she knew that I was barely holding on. And like any good friend, she had immediately become outraged.
“Are you kidding me?” she cried a little more loudly than I would’ve liked. The last thing I’d wanted at that moment was for my entire office to know I’d been dumped by Tate McGrath. Technically, I’d dumped him, but it still hurt the same, and a lot of people would’ve considered me an idiot for doing so. “What a jackass!”
I wanted to agree with her just to make myself feel better, but I couldn’t. Even in my raw state, I didn’t feel Tate was a jackass. I felt he was secretive, maybe manipulative, maybe even just a tormented soul, but I didn’t feel like he was a jackass. All I could do was shake my head, look down at my hands, and hold back the tears that had spilled from my eyes from the moment I’d left his penthouse the night before to the moment I’d left my apartment that morning.
In her normal Jenna fashion, she’d tried to swoop in and make it better. “You’re coming out with me tonight. I’ve got this event at a new gallery opening. There’ll be plenty of hot guys there, and I’m pretty sure that some of the new trades from the Beasts will be attending. You have to come with me. Believe me, you’ll feel much better.”
I had just shaken my head again. That wasn’t going to make me feel better; in fact, it would probably make me feel worse. Being around beautiful people flirting and drinking and having a good time would’ve just reminded me that I could’ve been flirting, drinking, and having a good time with Tate.
So I’d gone home and wallowed. I went to work the next day, came home, and wallowed. And I did that again and again, and here we were seven days later, and I was at home. Wallowing.
More than once, I’d considered calling him or going over to his place. I’d wanted to tell him to forget it, that we could just go on the way we were, and I’d live with the secrets. But every time I grabbed my keys or pulled out my phone, I stopped myself. I deserved better than that. I didn’t want to deserve better than that because I wanted him, but I did deserve more, even from somebody like him. So, against everything in my body screaming at me to make myself better, I sat with the pain and waited for the day it would finally fade. Thus far, that day hadn’t come.
That night, however, it was too much. I couldn’t sit with it anymore. It wasn’t hurting any less. Actually, it was more. I picked up my phone, scrolled to the name I sought, and called. I listened to the ringing and waited for the voice on the other end to pick up.
When I heard the greeting, I said in a tone so broken it was barely recognizable, “I need you.”
Twenty minutes later, there was a knock at my door. I padded to the door in my bare feet, straightening my sweatpants and my tank top as I went. I probably should have taken the time to clean myself up more, but it didn’t matter. Without bothering to look through the peephole, I turned the knob and stepped aside. There, waiting in the hall, was Jenna, and standing at her side was our mutual friend, Alyssa.
“Are you okay?” Jenna demanded at once. She stormed over the threshold like someone had strapped a torpedo to her butt. “You sounded so bad on the phone that I’d thought you’d done something stupid.”
“I guess that depends on your definition of ‘okay.’” Alyssa offered me a small, sympathetic smile as she entered, which I tried to return. Closing us into the apartment, I turned around and studied both girls. “I thought you’d bring wine.”
Jenna tossed her head, hair and hair extensions flying over her shoulder. “You don’t need wine. You need a cocktail.”
“Fine, then I thought you’d bring rum.”
“You need a cocktail out.” She grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward her, looking me over. Her forehead wrinkled, and her eyes narrowed as she took in my frumpy appearance. “And a shower.”
I tugged myself away from her and started toward my couch, but Jenna had other ideas. She grabbed hold of my tank top from behind and spun me back to face her.
“No, we’re not playing the sad game anymore. You’ve been depressed for a week, and I get it, but it’s time to get over him.”
“You don’t understand.” Tears were already starting to leak from the corners of my eyes, and I hastily wiped them away because I didn’t want to seem weak. Weeping in front of my girlfriends was therapeutic, but not when one was coming at me like a beast.
“Jen, maybe we should just stay in tonight with her,” Alyssa chimed in.
Jenna jabbed a finger toward my bedroom, ignoring Alyssa’s suggestion. “Shower, hair, makeup, clothes. We are going to a club. If you still feel like shit after tonight, then I promise we’ll be here tomorrow with wine, and you can tell us how much McGrath ruined your life.”
“He didn’t ruin my life.” I was surprised to hear myself say it, but I was pleased. At least I knew I had some strength left. “He just meant something to me.”
“That’s fine, so we’ll go out tonight and find someone else to mean something, even if it only lasts a few hours. Go get ready.”
I growled in protest, but I knew it was no good arguing with Jenna. Plus, I had to admit she was probably right. Sitting in my apartment had done nothing to help me over the week. Usually, a breakup was fixed by drowning myself in ice cream, sad movies, and obnoxious crying until, one day, I woke up and the pain had lessened. That wasn’t what was happening now. It was growing exponentially, and every time I thought about how Tate and I had ended things, my heart broke a little more. I didn’t want to go out with people to dance and feign happiness, but my way of healing hadn’t been working. Maybe Jenna’s would.
Doing as I was bidden, I headed into my bedroom to strip and get in the shower. I could hear Alyssa and Jenna talking while I washed my hair, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. It was likely Jenna was plotting how to get me into someone’s bed before dawn.
I found Alyssa in my bedroom when I reappeared with a towel around me. Her head was buried in my closet, and she had several skimpy clubbing dresses hanging over a forearm. I hadn’t worn those since college but seeing them took me back to a time before I’d ever known Tate. The tightness in my belly eased a little.
“Jenna’s gonna do your hair. I’m picking out your clothes, so don’t worry about your outfit.”
“Okay.” Honestly, after the shower, I was feeling refreshed. Sinking down onto my bed, I watched her shuffle through my closet. “Lyss?”
“Yeah?”
I didn’t know how to say the words out loud, but I knew I needed to say them. If I didn’t, they were going to fester
inside me, and I was going to continue my cycle of misery. “I think I love him.”
The clacking of plastic hangers beating against each other paused, and she straightened up to turn toward me. She looked sympathetic again, as well as understanding. “I know you do.” She wasn’t trying to appease me. She meant it. “You’re not an impetuous person, Sadie. For you to feel so much for somebody so fast means there had to be something deep there.”
I nodded. Hearing my feelings spoken aloud made the pain come back in waves, but it had changed. It wasn’t stabbing anymore. It was duller and more manageable.
Jenna flew into my room, heading toward the bathroom. She was a walking energy drink tonight. “Come on, honey. We’re not rocking the stringy, grungy look tonight.”
Within an hour, I was styled by Jenna, dressed by Alyssa, and made-up by my own hand. We’d called ahead for a cab and piled into it, and then we were on our way to a club I’d never heard of. According to Jenna, it was the perfect place to go because it wasn’t full of barely legal girls and uber-tanned gym rats.
“The guys here actually have real jobs,” she told me as the cabbie wove through traffic. “And there’s usually a pretty good mix going on, so we can dance.”
“I’m not looking to hook up tonight.” The idea turned my stomach. “I’m going out with my friends.”
Alyssa linked her arm through mine. “That’s fine. We’ll just do a girls’ thing.”
“We’ll see.” Jenna flipped through some bills to hand the driver as soon as we pulled up to the curb.
The line outside the club, which was aptly named Steps, wasn’t as long as I would’ve thought. Alyssa’s arm was still curled around mine as we followed Jenna, who bypassed the line entirely and went straight to the bouncer. He was a relatively short man with beefy arms, which he crossed over his chest as he looked up to her.
“End of the line’s back there.”
“Jenna Grammer, gossip writer for The Apple.” I couldn’t help but be awed at the confident way she lifted her chin and popped her hip. “And these two are with me.”
He eyed her, taking a second to flick a gaze over her shoulder toward me and Alyssa. “You got some ID?”
She smiled sweetly, extracted her press identification from her clutch, and held it out to him. He took it, looked it over, then handed it back with a sharp nod. “Have a good time, Miss Grammer.”
Alyssa leaned into me. “Good start to the night already. VIP treatment.”
Walking in was like a whirlwind. Bodies pressed together or winding between each other, lights flashing through what would’ve been total darkness, music thumping so loudly I could feel it in the soles of my pumps. I hadn’t even gotten a chance to look around at everything before Jenna was pulling us to the bar. Alyssa bumped me as someone jarred her, and I stumbled into Jenna, who was shouting something to a bartender I was sure I’d seen in a play once. It was a mess, but it was exactly the kind of mess I must’ve needed because my mind wasn’t anywhere near Tate for the moment.
“Here!” Jenna shoved a cold glass in my hand, spilling a little over the side down my arm. I tried to figure out what it was, but the neon and blacklight distorted the color too much, so I just sipped it. Sex on the Beach. Go figure.
“You’re already getting the look!” Alyssa was shouting over the bass heavy beat, but I could hardly hear her. She pointed into the crowd. I tried to follow the direction she was indicating, but I was blinded by a flashing blue light and scrunched my eyes. “Want me to wave him over?”
I frowned. “I thought this was a girls’ thing.”
“Right! Sorry!”
We started walking precariously, trying to avoid flying elbows and shimmying backsides, until we found a spot against the wall where the population seemed to be thin. I pulled a larger dose of liquid courage from my glass and used the dimness of the area to my advantage, skimming the horde of dancers and drinkers with a discerning gaze. There were, indeed, many good-looking men, and just as many good-looking women, and Alyssa seemed to be right about attracting attention. One guy with hair as dark as coal was smiling at me from the edge of the dance floor.
I turned toward my friends. “So, now what? We stand here awkwardly?”
“Please.” Jenna waved a hand at me. “We’re only over here so you can get adjusted, and then we’re going to dance.”
“It looks like Sadie might be dancing first.” Alyssa pointed again, and this time, I was able to follow. “You’re down to panties in that guy’s head.”
It was a different man, tall and sporting a reddish faux hawk. “Not interested.”
“What about that one?” Jenna jerked her chin toward a male who could have easily been surfing ten minutes ago. I wouldn’t have been surprised if sand fell out of his dreadlocks every time he moved.
“Yeah, because that’s my type.” I figured there was no point in chiding them since they seemed determined to find me a rebound, so I approached them with sarcasm instead. Maybe that would get them to lay off. “I’ve always dreamed of dating someone who refers to me as ‘dude.’”
Jenna smirked. “So, don’t date him. Take him home, have an orgasm or three, and forget about him.”
“God!” I grimaced into my drink.
Alyssa nudged me in the ribs. “I think you caught one.”
“What?” I turned and saw the dark-haired guy meandering toward us, his eyes pinned on me like I had a million bucks stapled to my forehead. “Oh, no.”
“Ladies.” He drew up to us and stood far closer than I would’ve if I’d been in his shoes. His voice was deep and throaty even over the music. “How are you tonight?”
Jenna answered for me. “We’re great. This is Sadie, and I think she’d be even greater if you asked her to dance.” I felt knuckles press into my spine, which I tried to shove off with an ungraceful body roll. She didn’t budge. “What’s your name, stranger?”
“Alexander.” He grinned down at me, teeth glinting in the party lights. “And you, beautiful?”
The knuckles pressed harder, causing me to wince. “As my friend already mentioned, it’s Sadie.”
“It sounds like your friends want to get rid of you, Sadie.” He held out a hand, palm up, and I noticed it was callous-free. He must’ve had an office job. “Shall we?”
I opened my mouth to reject him, but Jenna spoke for me once more. “She’d love to.” Her hand lifted off my spine and moved to my shoulder, and she pushed me forward a little just as Alyssa snagged my glass from my grasp. I reached out to regain my balance, inadvertently grabbing Alexander’s proffered hand. He closed his fingers around mine.
“Great.” He led me to the dance floor not far from where Jenna and Alyssa looked on. The next thing I knew, a hand was around my waist, and another hand was cupping my hip, and we were swaying in rhythm with the electronic tempo.
My skin flamed beneath his touch, and my breath caught in my throat. I could smell the sharp, polished scent of aftershave every time we moved. He was so tall his mouth was level with my forehead, but I felt the heat from his slightly parted lips and detected a whiff of spearmint. There was nothing unpleasant about Alexander. If it had been a couple months ago, I probably would’ve been flattered — among other things — to have him this close to me.
Not tonight.
The song melted into another, this one slower and more sensual. Hazy purple lights misted out in place of the psychedelic rainbow that had been shooting haphazardly around the club. Alexander slid his hand around my waist, cupping me to him, and nudged my face upward with his nose.
“You’re beautiful, baby.”
Something inside me broke. A thread, a threshold, a bone, something. I extracted myself from him with as much gentleness as I could and pasted a smile on my face.
“Thank you for the dance, Alexander.” He frowned with his hands still lingering where my body had been. “I should get back to my friends now.”
I didn’t give him a chance to protest. There was a clear path back
to Jenna and Alyssa, and I walked it with stinging eyes. When I reached them, I could tell by their clenched jaws they were dying to ask me what happened but didn’t want to because it was evident I was upset. Jenna handed my drink back to me without a word.
Alyssa was first to break our triple silence. “Should we go?”
I nodded, then downed the rest of the cocktail in one gulp to keep my tears at bay. Both women reached for my hands and gave me pointed, reassuring looks, and we started toward the door. I didn’t look back to see if Alexander had already moved on to another conquest or not. It didn’t matter. Hopefully, he’d find someone else to call “baby.”
I just wanted to be Juliet.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Tate
The room is pitch black. I walk carefully because I don’t know what’s in front of me. But I know where I’m going. This is where I feel safest.
My footsteps echo off the walls and come back to me like I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I am never alone anymore.
There’s a step. Up two steps. Three. I draw level on a creaking floor, well-trodden wooden planks, and I walk. The creaking stops, but my feet don’t. I’ll know when I’ve gotten where I’m supposed to be.
CRACK!
The light comes on. A single spotlight, bright enough to illuminate but singular enough to blind. I halt and let its warmth bathe me. I still cannot see, but I am seen now.
A single clap rises from the oblivion, and then another, and another. It’s speeding up, the applause, growing faster and more frenzied. I stand frozen and listen to the echoes that lilt where my footsteps had reigned. More and more until it’s deafening, and I can’t hear my own heartbeat or breathing or thoughts.