Why Not Me?

by Ashley Erin

  Now, I’m not so sure. I just need to figure out if it’s because of the haze I’m in whenever I’m near Landon, or if this feeling is something that won’t go away. Even before Landon reappeared in my life, I was searching for something, but now I need to know whether what I’m searching for is here or if I’m trying to make something work that isn’t meant to.

  “That sounds perfect. I’ll pack for us while you call and book us a room.” Grinning, I turn toward our bedroom as he dials.

  Three hours later we’re pulling up to a gorgeous little inn. It’s painted a dark green, which stands out against the starkness of the white snow. Smoke billows out of the chimney where a wood burning fireplace must be. The website states that they offer complimentary coffee and hot chocolate. It’s been a long time since I’ve cozied up in front of a fire with a cup of hot chocolate.

  It doesn’t take long to check in and get settled into our room. I turn from freshening up in the bathroom to see Brendan lying on the bed, his smile suggestive.

  Despite the beauty of the scenery through the glass French doors and the romantic feel of the room, I don’t feel the urge to be intimate with Brendan. Shouldn’t I want it more?

  When his smile begins to fall as I just stand there instead of joining him right away, I push myself forward, returning with a smile that pulls his lips up once again. This time with him is all about seeing if we can rekindle what’s missing in our relationship. Sometimes we need to put a little effort into lighting the fire.

  His lips caress mine as soon as I’m on the bed, our kiss quickly deepening and progressing. He’s doing everything right and my body is enjoying it, but something is still missing. It’s this way every time we have sex and I don’t know why. I’ve always put it out of my mind, but no matter how hard I try, it lingers.

  Ignoring the doubt that seeps like poison into my mind, I put everything I have into being present with Brendan. I’m sure every couple goes through these dry spells, I just need to push through. The little voice in my head whispers that sex has never been strong in our relationship, Brendan getting more out of it than I do.

  Shutting it out, I pull him down so I can kiss him. I take over, trying to show him, and myself, that we can make this work. That six years together has created something worth fighting for.

  We move together, our bodies familiar with what the other needs until Brendan finds his release. Chewing on my lip, I hold him close, searching for the familiar comfort in the safety of his arms.

  Smiling as he rolls away from me and props himself up on one arm, I brush a curl off his forehead. His hair is wild and makes me giggle.

  “Why don’t we order room service and spend all afternoon in bed.” He wiggles his eyebrows.

  “Oh, I was hoping we could go sit in front of the fire. That hot chocolate looked so tasty when we were checking in.” My words are hopeful. This weekend is about us, but I don’t want to spend it cooped up inside.

  Brendan is much more of a homebody than I am, I like to get out and socialize. I’ve found that we’ve been doing less and less getting out as a couple, he usually tells me to go out and enjoy myself while he stays home, but if we’re going to make this work we need to find a balance.

  “That sounds nice. Maybe it’s calmed down a little since we came in.” He gets out of bed, tossing me my clothes before dressing.

  “I’m sure we can find a spot.” I grin, happy that we’re going to explore.

  He takes my hand and we head out. After we grab our drinks, we snag a loveseat right next to the fire. The smell of wood and smoke, combined with the crackling sounds as the wood burns creates the perfect setting.

  As I look around, I appreciate how idyllic the inn is. If there is a place to rekindle romance, it’s here.

  As we sip our drinks, we fall into the usual pattern of talking about work. I try to think of other things to discuss, like we did last night, but we’ve been so stuck in our routine we’ve lost the experiences that create opportunities for reminiscing. My life lately has been in such turmoil that I can’t think of anything else.

  As Brendan talks about his goals for expanding his business, I listen intently. I hear every word and respond accordingly. During the entire time, seventy-five percent of my brain is trying to figure out how I feel. Talking with him feels good, like when I get to have girls’ nights with Blake and Dawn. There should be more to our relationship than friendship. We rock at that part.

  With a sinking feeling, I start to admit to myself that maybe it was never really there. After Landon ended things and my heart was broken, Brendan offered a safe choice. He’s an amazing boyfriend, everything a girl could hope for, but the more I let myself really evaluate our relationship, the more I understand my heart never gave itself to Brendan the way it needs to.

  This reality is one I’m not sure I’m ready to face, but it’s something that’s been getting louder and louder in my head.

  The rounded toe of my snowshoe catches the snow, tipping me face first into the snow. Giggling, I roll over, brushing myself off. “Who knew this was so difficult?”

  I’m sitting in the middle of the path, my feet tilted at an awkward angle as I try to figure out how to get up.

  “I didn’t realize you were so clumsy.” Brendan’s voice is teasing as he walks over and helps me up.

  I’m completely awkward as I adjust myself and attempt to tackle him into a snowbank, but my feet get caught together again and I trip into his arms instead.

  “I’m not used to having to maneuver around this much shoe.” I can’t stop laughing as I figure out my footing. I consider myself a fairly graceful person, I can walk in heels, I don’t trip over random things—usually—and it’s very rare that I fall down as much as I have in the last forty-five minutes. This entire endeavor has been hilarious.

  Brendan holds me close, leaning down to kiss me. One thing about Landon reappearing in my life has done is make me spend time evaluating not only my relationship with Brendan since then, but also prior to. I think I was in denial about how much we needed to work on things. It’s always been so easy, our friendship evolving into more was almost a natural progression.

  Sometimes I wondered why there isn’t more of a spark, that intense need for each other, but I put it down to the fact we were friends first so we skipped that stage. Now, I’m not so sure.

  Brendan drops his arms, taking my hand as we continue along the path. The trail weaves through a huge garden that I bet would be beautiful in the summer. The snow adds its own magical quality that creates a gorgeous backdrop.

  There is a couple having a photoshoot done, it looks like an engagement shoot. They’re all over each other, obviously intensely in love. I wonder if they’re going to get married here. It would be a perfect spot.

  Frowning, I continue to watch them as we hike. They have a quality, a flare that just radiates off them. It makes me ask myself, why hasn’t Brendan proposed to me? When we were in college it made sense. Yet, we both have good jobs, we own our home, there is nothing to stop us. So, what has prevented him from asking? And if he had asked, pre-Landon, would I have the same sense of excitement radiating off me that the couple posing together does?

  Soon we pass by, and they’re out of sight, but the vision of them together lingers. They look so happy, so in love. It fits. A weird feeling settles in my stomach. I want that. That passion.

  We make our way through the rest of the trail, talking about the funny dog that lives in the inn rather than the topic we really need to discuss. I know we’re both avoiding it, I can feel a heaviness in Brendan’s gaze as the day progresses. He’s feeling it too, I just don’t know where his thoughts are on the topic of us.

  Once back at the main entrance, we kick the snow off the shoes and lean them back into the rack.

  The rest of the day is spent getting couples spa treatments. It’s not what I expect, I thought the romantic setting and relaxing experiences would lead to some sort of clarifying moment, but maybe I don’t need cl
arity. Instead of talking about how we’re both feeling, we spend the night cuddling and watching a movie.

  It’s intimate, and it feels good, like home. The idea of not having this comfort scares me. The idea of not seeing Brendan makes my chest ache.

  The idea of settling into what’s comfortable and ignoring the void, that makes me feel like I’m giving up the life I thought I would have.

  Parking my car, I take a deep breath and look at the bar where I’m meeting Dawn and Blake. My heart is hammering in my chest. I finally turned my phone on after three days. Three days of giving my all into my relationship with Brendan. Three days of not talking to Landon. Three days of really trying to figure out what I want and trying to come to a decision. The first people I contacted were Blake and Dawn. I need them.

  Things with Brendan have been different since before Landon, but I never acknowledged how different until he was back in my life, that flutter making an appearance after being absent so long.

  The past three days have been eye opening and emotionally challenging. I haven’t been fair to Brendan for over a year. I’ve been taking him for granted and I haven’t been working at things. So, I tried. A few days might not seem like long enough, but I woke up this morning and I knew what I had to do.

  Now, I just need to talk it through with my two best friends—before I see Landon in a couple of hours. They always help me see things a little more clearly, calling me out on my blind spots.

  Walking into the bar, I spot them in a secluded booth. They’re talking in hushed tones and I can tell that they’re arguing about something.

  Both fall quiet as I come up to the table.

  “Do I want to know?” I slide into the booth next to Blake and look between them. It’s not unusual for them to bicker, their differing personalities often causing them to come head to head.

  They have a silent conversation before turning to smile at me in unison. It would be creepy if I wasn’t used to their weird mannerisms, even though they’re behaving odder than usual.

  “No, just silly sister stuff.” Blake flags down the server.

  “Uh huh.” Narrowing my eyes, I look between them suspiciously.

  We order, our drinks coming quickly as we catch up on our day. Once we’re a couple of sips in, I wait for a lull in the conversation and finally voice the words that I’ve been trying to get comfortable with over the past twenty-four hours. They still hurt, still make me a little queasy, but in my heart, I know it’s right.

  “I’m going to break up with Brendan.” Both of their mouths drop open, so I rush on before they can start asking questions. “This is a long time coming, I just didn’t want to admit that more was wrong in our relationship than a weird dry spell. The past few days I turned my phone off, and I tried. Like really tried. I was present. I made more of an effort than I have in over a year.”

  Holding a finger up, I grab my drink and sip at it, trying to drown the constricted feeling starting in my throat. “We went away, spent two nights at a romantic inn. We played, joked, and just enjoyed each other’s company. Something’s missing, I think it’s always been missing to an extent, but it’s become glaringly obvious that we’re never going to find it. And before you ask, yes, part of this has to do with Landon. No, nothing has happened. And no, I’m not breaking up with Brendan and jumping into something with Landon, I couldn’t do that to either of them.”

  Dropping my head into my hands, I choke out, “I just can’t pretend that what Brendan and I have is enough. It doesn’t matter how much effort we put in, I don’t think we will ever work in the long run, I just didn’t want to admit it because I do love him. It’s just not the right kind of love.”

  Pausing to take a breath and a drink of my margarita, I try to ignore the burning sensation behind my eyes while I wait for the onslaught of questions.

  “Okay. . .” Blake starts, staring down at her drink as she tries to formulate her thoughts.

  “Wow,” Dawn breathes out, glancing at her sister.

  “You know we support your decision, and if we’re honest we’re not really surprised. There was a spark that was lacking, right from the start, but you seemed happy so I thought maybe it was just because things were so intense with you and Landon. Have you figured out when?” Blake rolls her glass between her palms, unusually introspective.

  “I don’t know. This is new territory for me. Part of me wants to do it tonight, but then where do we go? Do I leave? Does he? Ending things with someone you’ve been with for six years, someone you own a home with, it’s complicated. The idea of holding this in though, pretending that everything is fine, it’s not fair to him. And I already feel like I haven’t been fair to him.” I choke up, my eyes filling with tears that start to spill over.

  Clenching my hands, I close my eyes and breathe. I’ve held it together for days as I’ve come to this realization and I just can’t anymore. Brendan has been such an important part of my life, someone I cherish, and I’m going to lose him. I just know that in the long run, we will lose more of ourselves if we continue to try to work at something that doesn’t fit the way it needs to.

  “It hurts to think of losing my best friend. I’ve been sad and angry, this mixed bag of emotions rolling through me. Mostly at myself for not listening to my gut when I initially said no to him, but then I wouldn’t have the last six years and I realize we needed each other during that time. Now it’s just run its course.” My head is in my hands, my fingers pressing into my skull.

  Opening my eyes, I look between Blake and Dawn. They’re both holding back tears as they each take one of my hands. The blood rushes back in as I relax my fist and take hold of their strength.

  We’re all quiet as we think about the past six years. The thought of not being with Brendan scares me. What we have is safe, it’s comfortable, but we both deserve more than that. In my heart, I think once he’s had time to think about it, I believe he’ll agree it’s what’s best. I just need to deal with the steps to get there.

  “It sounds like you’ve thought this through.” Blake’s voice is understanding.

  “How do you think Brendan will take it?” Dawn’s question is cautious, her eyes on her drink.

  “I really don’t know,” I whisper, my voice shaky.

  It seems like time disappears until I need to leave to see Landon for our final physio appointment. I won’t be telling him about my decision, Brendan deserves to know first. The only reason I talked to Blake and Dawn is because I needed to work through how to do this. There’s no script, but I still needed to practice saying out loud that things with Brendan are done.

  It hurts.

  It hurts to know I’m giving up six years of loving someone, but the idea of letting things pan out into marriage and a family while knowing it’s not what my heart wants, is more painful.

  We both deserve better.

  My nerves are shot by the time I walk into Landon’s clinic and lock the door behind me. It’s quiet, dark, and he’s nowhere to be seen, so I take the time alone to hang up my stuff and calm the pounding of my heart.

  Not talking to him was a challenge, but I needed to give Brendan my full attention without the distraction. Ever since Landon reappeared in my life, I’ve been trying harder in my relationship, but it stemmed from the guilt of talking to Landon, ignoring that it was wrong considering how he makes me feel. I needed to put that effort in without the guilt.

  Maybe three days doesn’t seem like enough time, but at the end of each night I had more clarity and I knew that even if Landon wasn’t in my life now, things with Brendan would have eventually come to an end. And that’s what I needed to figure out.

  “Hey.” Landon’s voice startles me, I turn to see him coming out of his office. “Sorry. You were in your head a little. Everything okay?” His expression is concerned, his forehead lined with tiny creases as he examines the slight puffiness to my eyes.

  “Yeah, just thinking. It’s been a long day.” I force a smile, ignoring the way his eyes narro
w at my attempt to fool him. I glance away, praying he doesn’t pry. I’ve already been through the ringer today and I don’t anticipate it will get better.

  He motions for me to take a seat, his fingers working their way over my muscles. The pressure is perfect, soothing. There’s barely a twinge of pain, which is a relief. Vehicles are easy to fix, bodies are not.

  “Want to talk about it?” His eyes meet mine, the blue a little darker than usual. I can see the question he really wants to ask, but doesn’t.

  I shake my head. “No, but if you know any jokes I could use the laugh.”

  “What do you call a cow with no legs?” His response is immediate, a smirk quirking the corners of his lips up.

  “I don’t know. What?” I move my neck as he guides me through some stretches, waiting for the answer.

  “Ground beef.” The corners of his eyes crinkle as his smirk turns into a full-fledged grin.

  Giggling, I shake my head. “A little morbid, but punny. Where did you hear that one?”

  “They were telling ‘dad jokes’ on the radio all day today, I cannot claim any of these jokes as my own. I can keep going, if you like?”

  He steps back, finished with the testing. When I nod, he taps his lips and looks up at the ceiling.

  “What time did the man go to the dentist?”

  “What time?”

  “Tooth hurt-y.”

  He grins at me shamelessly as I laugh.

  We work through all my exercises and he tells jokes the entire time until I’m laughing so hard, I can’t do anything else. We’re kneeling next to each other, smiling as he dives into another.

  I’m cracking up so hard, I almost snort. “Oh god, these shouldn’t be so funny.”

  Landon laughs with me, or maybe at me because I can’t seem to stop. His eyes sparkle as he watches me clutch my stomach.

  “Oh my God, just shut me up,” I choke out around my giggles.