by M. S. Force
We’re seated for dinner, and Hugh ends up on my left and Flynn is on my right, locked in conversation with his parents. Across from me are Addie and Marlowe, and I’m thankful to have familiar faces nearby.
“Don’t let the Godfreys overwhelm you,” Hugh says in a conspiratorial whisper. “They’re harmless underneath it all.”
“Good to know, thanks.”
Without missing a beat in his conversation, Flynn finds my hand under the table and gives it a squeeze. The gesture fills me with warmth and a sense of security I haven’t experienced since I left home. It’s beginning to feel like I belong to him and he belongs to me, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot.
A sense of serenity overtakes me as I sit back and watch this amazing family interact with each other. There’s lots of laughter and teasing and talk about Flynn’s foundation. Each of his sisters apparently plans to play a role, as do his parents, which seems to please him greatly.
As we’re served a delicious Caesar salad that is made tableside, talk turns to the Globes.
“You’re going to win,” Ellie says bluntly, earning a scowl from her brother. “What? I’m just stating the facts. No one else came close to what you did in Camo, and everyone knows it.”
“I agree,” Max says.
“As do I,” Frankie adds as he joins the party.
“Me, three,” Marlowe says, smiling as she raises her glass in tribute to Flynn.
He covers his ears and pretends he can’t hear them. I adore this superstitious side of him.
Dinner consists of prime rib, huge baked potatoes and asparagus that melts in my mouth. It’s the most delicious meal I’ve ever had, a thought I share with Frankie, who beams with pleasure.
“Thank you, honey.” To Flynn, he adds, “You need to keep this one. She’s top shelf.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” he says with a warm smile for me that makes my insides quiver with awareness.
“He never brings anyone to family things,” Hugh says for my ears only. “Ever.”
As I smile at him, I decide Hugh is my new best friend.
After Frankie’s attentive staff clears the dinner dishes, Flynn releases my hand and stands, glass in hand.
His sisters groan in unison.
“Here we go,” Annie says.
Ignoring them, Flynn focuses on his parents. “I just want to say happy anniversary to Max and Stella. You guys have made marriage look easy for forty-four years, and we should all be so lucky to have what you have. We love you both very much.”
“He’s good,” Annie says begrudgingly as she raises a glass to her parents, who are positively beaming after their son’s toast. “We gotta give him that.”
“He’s a pro-fessional,” Aimee says to laughter from her sisters.
Flynn just rolls his eyes at their teasing as he retakes his seat and reaches for my hand immediately.
“That was lovely,” I tell him.
“Thank you.”
“Thank you, son,” Stella says. “I agree with Natalie. That was lovely.”
“Did he tell you he’s Mom’s favorite?” Ellie asks. “Little baby Flynn could do no wrong in Mom’s eyes.”
“That’s because he was well-behaved and sweet from the second he was born,” Stella replies with a saucy smile. “All of you could take a lesson from him.”
While his sisters make gagging noises that have the kids giggling, Flynn smiles at their antics. “Yes, you should follow my lead.”
Cloth napkins come flying across the table, all of them aimed at his head.
“Girls!” Stella gazes at me apologetically. “We have a guest tonight, and we’re showing her our very worst.”
“This is nowhere near as bad as we can get,” Aimee says, making everyone laugh.
“That is so true,” Max says. He’s obviously enjoying every second with his boisterous family. “Just ask Frankie. He’s seen us at our best and our worst.”
Frankie holds up his hands. “I see no evil, I speak no evil.”
“A wise man,” Flynn says, his arm around his niece India, who has worked her way onto his lap.
We’re served delicious chocolate cake and offered coffee and after-dinner drinks.
Flynn orders coffee drinks for both of us. “You’ll love this,” he assures me.
And he’s right, I love the smooth heat of the Bailey’s, something I’ve never had before with coffee.
The party begins to break up when Annie says it’s time to get her kids home to bed. The littlest one, Garrett, is asleep on Hugh’s shoulder. The adorable blond boy has his thumb planted firmly in his mouth as his father rubs his back.
Looking at them, I’m hit with an undeniable sense of yearning. What would it be like to watch the man I love hold my sleeping child? I’ve never had much of a hankering for children of my own. I’ve been too busy trying to piece together a life and make a living to think that far ahead.
But now…
Flynn’s arm encircles me, and I turn to him. “Ready to go?” he asks.
“Whenever you are.” My heart beats erratically at the thought of what will happen when we get back to his house.
We say our good-byes, and his parents tell me they’ll see me tomorrow at the Globes. I’m happy to know I’ll see them again soon.
“Thank you for including me tonight. Your family is wonderful.”
“They do have their moments,” Stella says as she hugs me. “We’re absolutely thrilled to meet you, Natalie. I hope we’ll be seeing a lot of you.”
“Mom…”
“What? I only speak the truth.” She kisses her son on the cheek. “And don’t ‘Mom’ me.”
“Let’s get out of here before they make you change your mind about me.”
“Thank you for a wonderful evening,” I say as he leads me from the room.
“Our pleasure, honey,” Max says.
Once again, Flynn turns heads as we walk through the dining room on our way to the exit. His car is waiting outside the door, and he helps me in. I watch him press another bill into Anton’s hand. Everything is handled so smoothly and efficiently that I can’t help but be impressed.
“I hope you had fun,” Flynn says when we’re on the way home. He took hold of my hand the second we pulled away from the restaurant.
“It was great. Your family is amazing, but of course you know that.”
“Yeah, I do, even if they drive me bonkers sometimes.”
“I liked Hugh. He seems really nice.”
“He’s a great guy. So is Trent. The three of us play a lot of basketball when I’m in LA. I tell my sisters they finally became useful to me when they got me a couple of badly needed brothers and some nieces and nephews.”
“They must love that.”
“You know it’s all in good fun, right? There’s nothing—and I do mean nothing—I wouldn’t do for any of them, and vice versa. The three of them would kill for me, and a few times, they nearly have.”
“I totally got that. You can give each other a hard time because underneath it all is a foundation of love and respect that comes right from your parents.”
“Yes,” he says gruffly, glancing at me with an odd expression.
“What? Did I say the wrong thing?”
“No, sweetheart, you said exactly the right thing. The last woman I dated… She met Annie and Aimee once and thought they were shrews because of the way they talk to me. She didn’t get it, and you do. You get it.”
I certainly understand better than most the way family dynamics can make you or break you. He has the former. I got the latter, but being around the Godfreys tonight has restored my faith in the institution of family, even if I got the short end of the stick.
The ride home is quiet, but a low hum of tension exists between us now that we’re alone again. By the time we get home and into the house, I’m a mess of nerves and fear. What if I can’t do it? What if I freak out or have a panic attack or—
“Hey, Nat,” he says softly. “Come over h
ere and talk to me for a minute.” He leads me to the sofa and takes a seat next to me, turning to face me.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, sweetheart, everything is perfect. Tonight was so special for me, to be able to introduce you to the people I love the most and to watch you fit right in with them like you belong with us. My parents loved you, just like I knew they would.” He slides his fingers through my hair, making me lean in to get closer to him. “I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier all night long. It’s a wonder I could string together two coherent words.”
“I didn’t mean to distract you.”
“Yes,” he says with a low chuckle, “I think you did mean to distract me, and you’ve distracted me thoroughly. But here’s the thing… I think we ought to wait a while before we make love. A week ago, you were very resolute in your feelings on the matter, and I would hate to be responsible for you doing something you’re not ready to do only because you think it’s what I want.”
“I want it, too. It’s not just you.”
“I know, sweetheart, but still… I think we should wait. I could feel your nerves take over the second we were in the car on the way home.”
“I’m nervous. I won’t deny that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”
“There’s a lot of really fun stuff we can do without doing everything. I want you to be sure, and I promised I’d respect your boundaries. I’m so afraid of doing something to frighten you, Natalie. You have no idea how afraid I am. The more time I spend with you, the more essential you become to me.” He gathers me into his arms. “I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got all the time in the world to let things happen when we’re both ready.”
“I want to be normal,” I whisper. “I want to be like any other woman who’s found a man she cares about.”
“You are perfect exactly the way you are. Everything you’ve been through has made you strong and resilient and incredibly mature for your age. I admire all those things about you so much. And when the time is right for us, we’ll know it. There won’t be any fear or nerves or worries about the past. It’ll be just you and me and everything we feel for each other.”
“I feel like this has to be a dream. I never expected to find someone like you, who understands me so profoundly.”
“I feel exactly the same way. After having been with a lot of women who were far more interested in what I could do for them than they were in me, it’s a breath of fresh air to find someone like you and to feel understood by you.”
“If we’re going to wait, does this mean you don’t want to sleep with me?”
“I would love to sleep with you, if you’ll have me.”
“Yes, Flynn, I will have you.” I smile at him, surprisingly relieved by the reprieve. While I was determined to try, I’m okay with waiting, too.
He kisses me, and I can sense the control he’s exerting over himself as he keeps the kiss sweet and undemanding. “Let’s go to bed and watch a movie.”
“Okay.”
We go through the motions of getting ready for bed and come together in the center of his big bed. He’s wearing pajama bottoms that look new, leading me to wonder what he normally wears to bed. I’m wearing a tank with lightweight pajama pants. I’ve taken the time to brush my hair until it’s smooth and silky.
He runs his fingers through it appreciatively.
My entire body is alive with awareness of him. “I thought we were going to watch a movie.”
“We are.”
“Umm, well…”
“I’d much rather look at you than at a movie.”
I put my arms around him and sink into a kiss that starts off slow and sultry and accelerates into hot and bothered in a matter of seconds. By the time we come up for air, our legs are intertwined, his hand is full of my breast, and his erection is throbbing against my belly.
He withdraws from me, seeming disgusted with himself.
“Flynn?”
“I’m sorry. I gave you that whole speech about waiting, and then I practically attack you.”
“Um, I believe we attacked each other.”
“Still…”
“I know you’re older than I am and far more experienced and all that, but everything that happens between us is because we both want it. Not just you. I want it, too. I want you.”
“I want you, too, Nat. So badly. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want you. But I don’t just want you in bed. I want all of you. I want to make this work with you. With us.”
“I want that, too. All of it.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t sleep with you if I can’t keep my hands off you.”
“You mentioned there were other ways to have fun without doing everything.”
“I did say that, didn’t I?”
“Uh-huh.” I run my finger over the well-defined muscles in his abdomen and watch in fascination as they quiver under my touch. I love that I can make that happen. “What did you mean?”
He blows out a long deep breath, his torment apparent. “I have to be honest with you.”
“I wouldn’t want you any other way.”
“I’m afraid to touch you the way I want to. I’m afraid I’ll get carried away and forget what we agreed to.” He buries his face in the curve of my neck. “You make me so crazy, Natalie.”
I wrap my arms around him, and discover his entire body is trembling. “Could I touch you?”
“You can do whatever you want to me, whenever you want.”
I begin by running my hands over his back, hoping to calm and soothe him. But judging by the way his fingers dig into the muscles of my back, I’m failing spectacularly.
Bending over him, I kiss his chest. His hands burrow into my hair, his grip causing a bite of pain that has me shuddering with desire. Even in this position, at my mercy, I can feel him fighting to maintain control of himself. I work my way down to his stomach, running my tongue over the sharp outlines of his abdominal muscles.
“Natalie…”
“Yes?”
“Come up here.”
“I’m enjoying it down here.”
“Fuck.”
I smile as I continue to kiss and lick him. I have no idea what I’m doing, but because he seems to be reacting positively, I keep it up until I’m hovering above the waistband of his pajama pants, where the outline of his erection has my full attention. As I try to summon the courage to take the next step, he grasps my hand and places it on top of his hard length.
“Show me how to touch you,” I say.
Groaning, he moves his hand and mine up and down, faster and more aggressively than I would’ve done on my own. Then he pushes his pants aside, freeing himself from the fabric.
God, he’s huge, and I’m immediately intimidated and curious and overwhelmed by the idea of taking him inside me.
“Christ,” he mutters as our hands move together.
His skin there is surprisingly soft, and my curiosity grows as he hardens and lengthens before my eyes. I’m curious about things that have terrified me for years. I want to know him in every possible way, and the thought of that would’ve made me sick only a week ago.
Before I can overthink it to death, I bend over him, push his hand away and take him into my mouth.
“Motherfucker,” he whispers harshly. “Natalie, you can’t… Ahhh, Jesus.”
Once again, I haven’t the first idea what I’m doing, but the tight grip he has on my hair tells me I’m doing something right.
“Use your tongue,” he says.
I run my tongue around the head. “Like that?”
“Yes. God, yes. Nat…”
“Tell me what to do. Show me how.”
His chest is heaving as he looks down at me. “Open your mouth wider. Take as much as you can.” He curls my hand around the base. “Stroke me at the same time.”
Despite my best efforts, I can take only about half of him, which has me wondering how I’ll ever accommodate him when we actually have sex.
Out of nowhere, a flashback surfaces. Of being forced to perform this act. Of being choked and suffocated and…. I pull back from Flynn, covering my mouth to suppress a sob. My chest aches as I try to erase the memories of the past from my present, which has nothing at all to do with that horror.
Flynn sits up and puts his arms around me. “Breathe, honey. Come on.” He gives me a little shake that rouses me from the swamp of painful memories. “Breathe.”
I draw in a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t ever feel you have to apologize to me for anything.” He gathers me up and arranges me on his lap, my head on his shoulder.
I deeply resent the tears that roll down my cheeks. I hate that the past still rears its ugly head to remind me I’m broken inside, even when I think I’ve healed. I’m despondent to discover otherwise eight long years later.
Flynn rocks me gently, his lips soft against my forehead. “Natalie, please don’t cry. Everything is just fine.”
“No, it isn’t! Don’t you see? If I can’t do that, how will I ever do anything else?”
“Nat… This is the first time you’ve tried. Maybe it didn’t work this time. Maybe it’ll be okay the next time or the time after.”
“What if it’s never okay? What if I can’t ever be with you that way?”
He takes hold of my chin, imploring me to look at him. “I love you. I’m crazy in love with you. We will get there together. One day at a time, until the ghosts from the past have been exorcised and there’s only you and me.”
It has been a very long time since anyone said those words to me. At first, I can only cry harder as his words fill the empty places inside me.
“I love you, Natalie. I’ve loved you since the first second you looked up at me from the ground in the park. I’ve loved you since Fluff bit me and since I chased you from the park. And if it takes the rest of our lives, we’ll get there. I have no doubt about that.”
“You can’t know that.” I wipe away more tears. “You don’t even know what happened to me.”
“No, I don’t. If you want to tell me, I’ll listen and I’ll hurt and I’ll rage, and absolutely nothing will change for me except I’ll probably love you more than I already do.”