“Why?” she kept sobbing, feeling guilt over what she had done. She should have gone to the doctor at the first sign of infection. She shouldn’t have treated it herself. She hadn’t realized how bad or how deep the scratch was. Later, the doctor told her how deep she had cut with the scalpel. Fiona then couched his words, explaining she had saved not only her leg but her life by draining the infection. “But we lost our baby,” she started crying again.
“We will try again. I couldn’t stand to lose you too,” she tried explaining.
Allyssa couldn’t take the guilt and they had to sedate her. Each time she woke, she’d remember their loss and her wailing cries would start again. Finally, the third time, Fiona shook her and cried back, “It was my baby too!” This seemed to shock Allyssa as she realized the truth of that statement. They had both lost something precious to them, something they badly wanted.
Allyssa’s depression was a concern, but it was the well-meaning and well-intentioned flowers and visits from friends and clients that upset her more. She gave a brave face to those people, but it upset her, and she cried at every turn. Fiona wasn’t there all the time to witness her outbursts, but she learned of them from the nurses.
“We think a psychiatrist should visit your wife,” the doctor advised, and Fiona agreed. This only served to piss off Allyssa further.
“I deserve a chance to grieve!” she railed at her wife, who agreed with that too. Fiona didn’t know what to say. She certainly would never console her by reminding her she could have another, as though the first one wasn’t a great loss to them both. She was still angry about that comment from the doctor and wondered if anyone had thoughtlessly said that to Allyssa too.
Not knowing how to blog to share their sad news, Fiona relied on word of mouth and the phone calls she now had to make. It was awkward to call Allyssa’s parents and sister. She was upset when she told her own father. But it was the client calls, the ones where patients hadn’t heard of their devastating loss and asked after her wife and baby, that were the worst. She learned to stonily tell them they had miscarried and leave it at that. Their condolences were polite but awkward.
The physical therapy to help Allyssa regain the use of her leg was painful at first, but Allyssa felt she deserved the pain for what she had done to their baby. The therapist assured her that was not the case, but she wouldn’t listen. She was distraught over what she had done. She lashed out at the nurses and doctors and then apologized profusely. The worst was when she lashed out at Fiona, who shared her pain over their loss.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she repeated, bursting into tears.
“I know you are,” Fiona responded woodenly, knowing she meant it. But this was the third time this visit she had apologized, and she was tired. Trying to keep up the practice and visit her wife in the hospital was getting to be too much. She had tried sleeping in the RV in the hospital parking lot one night, only to have security knock on the door and ask her to move.
After more than a week in the hospital and missing the Halloween festivities with the 4-H troop, Allyssa was discharged and sent home. Sitting on the couch with her leg up, Rex made sure she didn’t move. He felt it was his duty to lay full-length on the floor and keep her safe. It made it hard for Allyssa to get around the big dog and make her way to the bathroom from time to time. She wasn’t happy until she had her laptop back and could catch up on emails and announce on the blog what had happened. It was the opinions of well-meaning people that seemed to bother her the most. The assumption was she’d had sepsis, and with the advent of the internet, people diagnosed all sorts of dire things for her. No, she didn’t have any major organ failure, but she could have. Losing her baby should have been enough, and she finally had to turn off the comments section on her blog after deleting some rather thoughtless comments.
“It’s amazing what you can do on that laptop,” Fiona tried to compliment her as she brought her a tray of food before heading out to handle her cases.
“I have nothing else to do,” she complained bitterly, immediately regretting her words as her wife’s brown eyes saddened. She didn’t apologize. Instead, she took one of the anti-depressants she had been prescribed.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
The depression didn’t lesson for a while. Some of it was hormonal, and some of it was situational, but most of it was self-induced. Allyssa found she could forget to be depressed for a time if she concentrated on other things. Her young body was healing at a good rate. By Thanksgiving, she was up and around and able to return to work. She began to throw herself into the plans for the upcoming Christmas caroling. The 4-H troop had been very supportive of her incident, and the kids were bolder about expressing their sincere sorrow over her loss and worrying if she could ride or drive the wagon. They’d had last minute worries over the trick or treating but another parent had volunteered to drive the horse trailer and bring it into Sweetwater.
They had a dry run on the ranch for those participating in the Christmas festivities. Allyssa snapped pictures of the children and adults and horses dressed in their costumes. The animals sensed the excitement around them and acted up, requiring extra concentration by those riding them. Some of the kids were going to ride their own horses and their horses weren’t there for the practice. Still, the kids dressed up for the rehearsal and worked on getting the horses accustomed to the ridiculous outfits. A few children hadn’t realized how cold it would be and had to adjust their costumes to fit over the winter clothing they would have to wear on the ride. They all anticipated the fun as they practiced and then, two weeks later, they gathered to make the ride. Allyssa, her leg still a little sore and still fighting depression, drove one of the wagons. The newspaper article read:
Sweetwater Horse Rescue saves and rehabilitates thoroughbred horses. Local Sweetwater children and over a dozen rescue horses were involved in a project with the Schooners 4-H club this last Saturday. The children, their parents, and welcome guests paraded down the town’s streets singing Christmas carols.
Part of the 4-H project involved costumes made by the young people for the horses and riders alike. There were Santas, elves, cowboys and cowgirls, and even a miserly, old Grinch was seen. A picture featured with the article showed the children and animals spread out along the main street in their costumes, the children smiling as they sang their hearts out. It didn’t matter if they were on key, volume seemed to be the highest priority.
“It’s not every day you see a horse with antlers,” one resident of Sweetwater commented with a smile. The carolers met at Spring Ranch Elementary and spread joy up and down our town streets, ending the festivities at the Sweetwater retirement home where many residents, former horse owners themselves, chatted with the children, petted the horses, and shared delicious, hot apple cider donated by the Feldmans. The locally grown apples were pressed on their ranch.
“It was so exciting,” Edna Heike stated as she came out of the home dressed in her own Santa hat. “It makes everyone so happy to see the young people bringing us holiday cheer.”
John Mason of Sunnybrook Street was walking his dog when he met the horseback riders singing songs like ’Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ and ’Have a Jolly Christmas.’ “I was not expecting that and seeing the red nose on the bridle of the horse was hilarious. Those kids really brought Christmas joy to a lot of people.”
Organizers had three goals for Saturday’s event: spread holiday joy among their neighbors, solicit donations of time and money for the Sweetwater Horse Rescue run by Doctor Fiona Herriot and her wife, Allyssa out at the Falling Pines Ranch, and promote the Schooners 4-H club.
Rumor has it a couple residents of Sweetwater went to the ranch afterwards to arrange to adopt a couple of the horses. We’ll keep you updated if they’ve found a new home.
Allyssa Herriot said they had taken in forty horses since The Greater Oregon Second Chance Horse Rescue lost its lease and was forced to close its doors.
“There’s nothing wrong with these bea
utiful horses. We have the space on our ranch, so they can live and run free. They are being socialized by the children and given a second chance. The animals come from all walks of life, and we were given the histories on each by the good people involved in the Second Chance Horse Rescue. All have been examined by my wife, Doctor Herriot, and they are certified healthy. We also made sure they won’t be breeding. The horses have many years left in their lives and could give joy and pleasure to their eventual owners. But a horse is a great responsibility. They can live to be thirty years old, and we don’t take applications for these beautiful creatures lightly.”
“We were told by the original rescue that about seventy-five percent of horses like these are slaughtered and sold as dog food,” Doctor Herriot told us. “To justify putting down these beautiful creatures they falsely claim the horses are old or unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with these horses. Sometimes it is overpopulation that sends them to us, often it’s simply that there aren’t enough homes for them.”
Several pictures of the horses dressed up in costumes accompanied the article. 4-Hers were shown throwing candy including Skittle packets and peppermints to little kids who came outside to gawk and stare at the horse-riding carolers. Some were lucky enough to get candy canes from the elves.
There was also a wagon filled with carolers. One child in a wheelchair sat in the back, all tucked in among the hay. The wagon was pulled by a pair of Belgian draft horses, which many knowledgeable people assured this reporter were nothing like Clydesdales.
Following the party of carolers were several people on electric carts carrying buckets with flat shovels in the back to clean up any presents left by the horses. The Pooper Scoopers, as they christened themselves, were a cheerful lot, who enjoyed themselves despite their dirty job and sang as loud as the children.
“I’d like to see this event grow as more people join our 4-H troop and more people like the Herriots extend their help to the rescue mission,” one of the 4-H moms wanted us to tell our readers. “Could you imagine this event every year with maybe a hundred horses and children riding?”
The article ended by providing contact numbers for the 4-H club, the Sweetwater Horse Rescue, and Doctor Herriot’s Veterinary Clinic.
* * * * *
“I’m going to need someone to come in and help me,” Allyssa mentioned to Fiona after the Christmas caroling when they were inundated with calls.
“In the house too,” she teased, pleased that they were so busy. Neither of them had a lot of time for housework these days and it was building up. Still, the two of them were taking a lot of calls and they decided they would have someone come into the office twice a week after the new year.
“We wanted to have the baptism in January,” Carmen was telling Allyssa on the phone one day.
“I don’t know if I can make that,” she admitted honestly. “I’ve got exams, and I’ll be gone from the ranch for four days. That’s a lot of time for Fiona to run things all alone.”
“Well, if you can be away for those four days, you can come for the baptism,” she tried her old bossy ways.
Angry over the loss of her own baby and her sister’s rudeness, she snapped and told her off. Hanging up, she immediately felt ashamed. It was no one’s fault she had lost the baby and taking it out on those around her didn’t help anything or anyone. She took another happy pill, and when her sister called back two hours later, she sincerely apologized for her behavior.
“No, I’m sorry, Allyssa. I didn’t think how you would be feeling,” she admitted candidly. “In my happiness, I forgot about what you went through. If you can make it, we would love to have you.”
That was such a change from the old Carmen, and Allyssa felt worse than before. “Why don’t I drive down to Portland for my tests and take a flight from there to Denver? I can fly back on Sunday, take my tests that week, and drive back here. I think I can arrange to be gone that long with Fiona, the therapists, and the new girl we hired all helping.”
Fiona was all for it. “I wish I could come with you. Remember, my dad said you could stay there.”
“Should I? You know…Rosemary?”
“I wouldn’t wish Rosemary on anyone,” Fiona laughed, taking her wife in her arms. She was pleased when Allyssa didn’t stiffen up as she had the past couple of months since the miscarriage. They hadn’t made love since then either. The only time they held each other like this was when Allyssa turned to her in her sleep, unconsciously needing that bond. Fiona had been very careful, treating her wife with kid gloves. That night, she saw the scar on her leg from the horrible infection, which her wife tried to hide. They’d been unable to use normal stitches on it because of how it had been cut by the scalpel, and the scar tissue was obvious against her white skin. She quickly changed into pajama bottoms to hide it, and Fiona pretended she hadn’t seen it.
Christmas was as festive as the previous year, both women striving to make it special for each other with thoughtful, little gifts. Allyssa got Fiona an e-reader, so she could read books while waiting on her patients. It was more practical than an actual book. She could recharge it in the RV and carry many books in very little space. Fiona got Allyssa another laptop with current software for her studies and the business. She’d been mentioning the one they bought two years previous was becoming obsolete and slow, and she’d worn out the key pads with all her typing.
“Hey, want to see something?” Fiona came up behind Allyssa and whispered in her ear.
“What’d you have in mind?” she joked, turning in her wife’s arms and feeling guilty for fending her off for so long. She appreciated her wife’s understanding.
“You are going to have to put on your winter jacket,” she told her with a smile and reached up to give her a peck on her nose.
“What’s going on?” she asked as Fiona led her towards the barn.
“Look there,” she said, shining her mag light into the rafters of the wooden barn. Two eyes stared back at them, unblinking.
“Ohhh, that’s so cool. An owl?”
“Yep,” she answered, moving the beam, so they could see the silhouette and feathers without shining it directly in the bird’s eyes. “They are supposed to be good luck.”
“Well, I’m going to need that after the new year for my tests,” she stated, leaning back in her wife’s arms as she enveloped her in a hug.
“You will do fine. You study all the time. The practical tests will be a breeze, and who else has had hands-on experience in a veterinary practice already?”
“I don’t know. I missed that week…” she began and then stopped herself from mentioning the time she was in the hospital and lost their baby.
“You know, someday we do need to talk about that,” Fiona said sadly.
“I know. I realize now it was a stupid accident, but it still really depresses me to think about it too much.” She glanced into the darkness where she knew it had happened in the passageway of the barn.
“I know, babe. I refilled the pills,” she answered, referring to the happy pills the doctor had prescribed. She’d worried when she saw there was no limit on the number of refills.
“I’ll get there. Some of it is the winter doldrums setting in.”
“Don’t forget to drive into Pendleton for a check-up on both you and the Jeep,” she reminded her.
“Yeah, that’s a long drive, and I haven’t been able to change the oil in a while.”
“Let’s get back in the house and leave him to do his job. If the cats don’t get the mice, he certainly will.”
“Will he go after the cats?”
“Probably not. They are large enough that they’d fight back. They know he’s there. In fact, it was seeing one of them staring intently in the rafters that made me look closer tonight.”
“Wonder how long he’s been there?”
“I thought I saw something last week, but tonight, I thought I saw him flying in.”
“How’d he get in?”
“A window was left open in
the loft. I wondered about that too.”
“I’m usually so careful. I must have….”
“Quit beating yourself up. You are so busy! And maybe one of the kids from 4-H left it ajar?” she interrupted at the tone her wife used to berate herself. She’d seen those kids and they went everywhere. “Besides, he or she is welcome…except for the droppings.”
Allyssa squeezed Fiona’s hand in gratitude for her support.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Allyssa set out from the ranch and drove up to the interstate to catch I-84 and take it across the top of the state to Portland. As she got closer to the bigger city, traffic became more congested. She wasn’t used to this much traffic anymore. Living near Denver seemed like it had been a lifetime ago. She wondered if she should have left her gun at home but thought it inappropriate on this trip. She certainly couldn’t fly with it or stash it in the Jeep. She tried to forget her anxiety as she drove along. The scenery in this part of the state was breathtaking. She pulled into the airport with plenty of time to catch her flight. She parked and removed her bag for the weekend. She hadn’t flown in a long time and her heart was beating in anticipation of the trip. It had been nearly two years since she had been back to Denver, and she had mixed feelings about the trip.
Over her shoulder, she carried her computer and camera bags instead of a purse. She wanted to show her sister and mother all the pictures from the Christmas carolers, even though she had already emailed some and they did follow her blog. There was sure to be someone she saw this weekend that would want to see the pictures, and she wanted to be prepared. She also wanted to be able to take lots of pictures for Fiona since she couldn’t come. She already missed being on the ranch, and she missed her wife terribly.
Fiona was worried. She knew her wife would come back, but she wondered if she would find the bright lights of Denver more appealing than the cold and wintery ranch she had to return to. The new girl, Renee was coming three times a week now, instead of the two days they had originally hired her for. She would answer the phones and take messages as well as feed the animals when Fiona couldn’t. But it wasn’t the same, and both Fiona and Allyssa knew it.
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