So why did she now find herself thinking about him all the time?
“Lucy?” Mattie asked, snapping back her attention.
“Yes?”
“I . . . I don’t want to get my head shaved.” A new shadow of pain lit her eyes. “I’m afraid.”
“Of course you are,” Lucy murmured as she sat on her bed and, with her hands, gently embraced Mattie’s face. “It’s a scary thing, this is.”
“What if it doesn’t grow back?”
Afraid to assure her about something she knew nothing of, Lucy murmured, “Have you ever heard of someone’s hair not returning?”
“Nee.” Mattie seemed to shrink into herself. “I’m just sad and angry that all this is happening to me. I know it’s selfish.”
“You’re not selfish, Mattie,” Lucy consoled. “You’re just trying to come to grips with a mighty hard day. That’s all.”
Mattie squeezed her hand. “How bad does my head look . . . really?”
“It looks bad, Mattie. Not gut at all.”
“You never did pussyfoot around the truth, did you?”
“Oh, I have. There were times with Paul that I got terribly gut at hiding bad things.” Remembering another visit, Lucy said, “Do you recall when you came to see me right after you heard about Paul’s death?”
“Of course.”
“And do you remember when you knocked on my door to see if I needed help?”
After a moment, realization dawned. “And I discovered the bruises and faded marks on your skin?”
Lucy nodded.
“I remember.”
“I remember you telling me that perhaps I shouldn’t waste too many more tears on a man who had made me look so bad.”
Mattie’s lips curved up. “And, oh, but you did look bad, Lucy. And I told you so.”
“Sometimes honesty is what we need to hear, Cousin.”
“So you think I should let this Miss Beverly cut off my hair?”
“I do. It will make things easier, I think. And perhaps it will be something else you can cross off your list to dread.”
As if on cue, Mattie’s door opened and an attractive Englischer lady carrying a bright pink tote bag appeared in the doorway. “Knock, knock,” she said with a smile. “May I come in?”
Lucy looked to Mattie.
After a moment’s pause, she nodded. “Please.”
“My name is Beverly.” She paused at the foot of Mattie’s bed. “I’m a volunteer here. For years, I owned my own hair salon. Now I help patients in any way I can.” With a compassionate look, she murmured, “The nurse said you might have need of my services. Do you?”
With a feeling of fate, Mattie nodded, keeping her eyes straight ahead. She knew that if she looked Lucy’s way, she would dissolve into tears. Steadying her voice, and speaking as calmly and stoically as she possibly could, she said, “This is a wonderful-gut service you offer.”
The hairdresser’s cheek dimpled. “My sister is a cancer survivor. Years ago, after she recovered, I mentioned to her that I wished I could have done more to help others in some way. She suggested this. I’m trying to make a difficult situation just a bit easier.”
Mattie focused on the lady’s words as she pulled out her scissors; and Lucy held her hand as the first snip was made next to her ear. Then Mattie gave in to temptation and let her eyes close when the electric clipper was plugged in and Miss Beverly began to shave off the remains of her hair.
“Focus on the future,” Lucy murmured. “Focus on the future, not what is happening now.”
Mattie didn’t need to be told that Lucy was drawing on her own personal experiences for that advice.
However, at the moment, she couldn’t see a future. Instead, it was just a looming, dark cloud. Dark and foreboding and thick. And not allowing even a patch of sunlight to peek through.
Chapter 23
Calvin and Graham were sitting on Mattie’s front porch when the van dropped them off.
“What are they doing here?” Mattie asked Lucy, her voice cracking. “Why did they come?”
“I’m sure they just want to see how you are doing.”
“Obviously not well,” Mattie said bitterly.
Through the open door, Lucy glanced at the men. They were looking at Mattie, specifically her bald head. Before he could hide it, a flash of pain entered Graham’s eyes.
After Lucy paid Charlie and helped Mattie out, she leaned close to her cousin. “Would you like me to ask them to leave? I can . . . if that’s what you want.”
But before Mattie could reply, both men were at their side. Graham placed one arm around Mattie’s waist, offering support. Calvin was reaching into the back and picking up their suitcases. “Don’t make us leave,” Graham said to Lucy. “We saw your aunt at the market earlier today. She’s the one who told us you two were due back around two this afternoon.”
Mattie hung her head.
When both men looked at her in alarm, Lucy attempted to smile. “Here, it is almost four! Have you been waiting this whole time?”
Calvin nodded. “Pretty much.”
“That was mighty kind of you,” Lucy murmured, looking hesitantly Mattie’s way.
Mattie still stayed silent, her head toward the ground. Her kapp looked strange and loose on her bald head.
Wordlessly, Lucy looked at the men, aching for them to say something comforting but having no idea what they could possibly say to make things better.
Then, to Lucy’s amazement, Graham placed one finger under Mattie’s chin and raised it until he was looking directly into her eyes. “Mattie, you know I wouldn’t be able to stay away. I wanted to see your new look.”
Calvin stiffened. “Graham,” he chided.
Lucy was just about to pull her cousin away, to quickly shuttle her inside—and away from Graham’s hurtful tongue—when the most surprising thing happened. Mattie stood up straighter.
“I canna believe you said that, Graham Weaver,” she said, her eyes flashing.
Not looking the least bit apologetic, he shrugged. “I had to say something.”
“It couldn’t have been something nice?”
Again, Graham surprised them all by chuckling. “Nee. I wanted to see the spark in your eyes.” He winked. “And there it is once again,” he said, sounding genuinely pleased. “Now you are finally looking at me with your pretty brown eyes. I thought you were gonna ignore me until we got into your house.” Looking at both Lucy and Calvin, he motioned for them to walk behind as he and Mattie entered the house.
Though Lucy ached to protect her, she did as Graham bid. He was able to do something that she had not been able to do the whole journey home—get Mattie to speak.
Lucy and Calvin kept some distance as Mattie and Graham continued speaking.
“I have no hair,” her cousin whined as they went into the entryway.
“I know,” he said gently.
“I look awful.”
“You look mighty different, but maybe not ‘awful.’ Actually, you just look like Mattie with no hair.”
Lucy shared a smile with Calvin as Mattie protested. “Graham—”
“Shh, now. All it means to me is that the medicine is helping your cancer stay away. Now, let me help you to the couch.”
“Will you stay for a while?”
“I will.”
Soon, they moved too far into the house for Lucy and Calvin to hear another word.
Now that she knew her cousin was in good hands, Lucy sighed with relief. It had been a long few days. “I have to say it, Calvin. Your brother Graham is a gift from heaven right now.”
Calvin chuckled. “You might be the first person besides my mamm to ever call him that.”
“I tried the whole way home to get her to talk about how she was feeling, but she refused,” she said as she joined him on the stoop.
“We got lucky. When Jenna told us about your phone call, and about Mattie’s hair, we knew we had to do something.” Looking contemplative, Calvin corrected
himself. “Well, Graham insisted that we come over and wait.”
“He’s such a good friend to her.”
“No less than you, Lucy.”
She shivered. At the moment, she felt completely ineffective. “I could hardly get her to say a word the whole way home.”
“Sometimes talking isn’t needed, though, you know?”
“Is that why you came, too?”
“Partly. I also wanted to check on you.” As if it was the most natural thing in the world, Calvin reached for her hand and enfolded it in his. “Are you all right, Lucy?”
She couldn’t seem to think about anything other than how warm his skin was. How gentle his grip was. “Me? I’m fine.”
“I just wanted to be sure. It’s hard work, being strong all the time, you know.”
Feeling so secure, and feeling yet another shiver of awareness at his touch, Lucy finally let her guard down. “To be honest, it’s been a hard few days. All the medical tests and terms are confusing. And Mattie, of course, was naerfich and afraid.”
“Anyone would be nervous and afraid, I think.”
“Well, let me just say that it’s a blessing you and your brother were here. I’ve been walking on eggshells around Mattie’s bald head. One minute it would seem like it didn’t bother her, then next it looked liked tears were going to flow at any minute. My way of dealing with it was to not mention it, I suppose. But I think Graham’s teasing helped her more.”
“She and Graham have been friends for a mighty long time. He always seems to know what is best for Mattie.”
“It seems like more than that . . .”
Calvin shook his head. “It’s not. They’ve never had any interest in anything other than friendship.”
“Sometimes things change.”
“Sometimes they do, but I don’t think their relationship will change much. They value their friendship, and that’s a gut thing.”
“You’re right about that.” Looking hard at Calvin, she said, “Are you ever going to talk to me about what happened between Gwen and Will?”
His grip tightened, then loosened as he visibly controlled his response. “There is nothing to say.”
“I’ve heard rumors, Calvin. Are you sure you are over her?”
For a few minutes, Calvin said nothing. Just stared out at the fields in front of them, lost in thought. Then he looked her way. “Gwen and I were courting for some time. Then one day, she handed me a note.”
“What did it say?”
“It said that she didn’t want me anymore, if you want to know the truth. It said that she and Will were happier with each other than she had been with me.”
“What did you do?”
“Me? Nothing.”
“You didn’t confront the two of them?”
“No. There was no need. What’s done was done.”
Her heart went out to him. She knew what it was like to count on something, just to have it all go sour. But, as she thought of how hard she’d tried with Paul, Lucy couldn’t help but feel that Calvin had given up too easily.
“Calvin, if you still love her, you should fight for her, don’t you think?”
“I don’t love her. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever did. And as for Will . . . well, I would never fight my best friend.” He got to his feet in a rush. “It’s all over, Lucy. It’s done. Gwen found someone else, and had found someone else for some time before she told me. She lied to me. So did Will. And when I discovered the truth, there was nothing left to do but to live with their decisions.”
He exhaled and started pacing. “Gwen and Will’s friendship are part of my past, not my future. And there’s no point complaining and wishing things were different. All I have to do is find a way to live with it.” He stepped away, his body matching the emotional distance that had formed between the two of them.
Still sitting, Lucy looked at his broad shoulders and straight back and thought about how strong he was. He was a man who could handle many burdens. But there was more to him than strength. He could be hurt, too. But instead of hurting back, he swallowed the pain.
“Calvin . . . ?”
After what felt like forever, he turned to her again. Lucy saw the tension in his face and knew he was waiting for her to tease him about being jilted.
Or to chide him about not sharing more of his feelings. But she knew all about hiding feelings . . . and having them discovered. And along the way, she’d also come to understand that keeping bad things hidden didn’t make them any easier to deal with.
It just made them harder to face.
Quietly, she stood up and crossed the short distance to him. “Though you came over here for Mattie’s sake . . . I’m glad you did. It was gut to see you today.” And because she was eager to touch him, to reassure, she pressed her hands to his upper arms. Just for a second. Just enough to show him that she cared.
Bit by bit, the wariness that had frozen his expression thawed and that longing she’d spied earlier reappeared. “I’m glad you are glad, Lucy.” Reaching out, he trailed his fingers down her arm. “I’m probably doing this all wrong—but I want you to know . . . I can’t seem to stop thinking about you.” A half smile formed on his lips as his fingers linked through hers again. “Or touching you.”
Daring to smile, she shook her head. She liked his touch. And she loved that he was thinking about her. After all, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. “You aren’t doing this all wrong at all. For the first time, everything feels right.”
With care, Calvin wrapped his arms around her and enfolded her in a hug. His arms were loose, giving her space and the choice to step away.
But Lucy didn’t want to. Instead of moving away, she rested her head on his shoulder. Inhaling, she smelled his clean scent. Felt the muscles of his chest under her cheek.
And for the first time in days—or maybe it was years?—Lucy felt at peace.
Chapter 24
Calvin noticed his gloves were caked with mud when they were already halfway to Wal-Mart. As he kept a firm hand on Beauty, while waiting at a stoplight, he couldn’t help but stare at the worn leather: The gloves were stiff and uncomfortable; tiny bits of dirt flew off of them each time he clutched the reins. Truly, he should have cleaned them before the drive. Why was he just now noticing their state?
“Calvin. The light has turned,” his mother gently prodded.
After making sure no cars had run the light, he motioned Beauty forward.
“You seem more quiet than usual today. Is something wrong?”
“Nothing of importance.”
“How is the plowing coming along?”
“About the same as ever. Slow.”
“Perhaps the rain will come soon. We could use it.”
“It would be a blessing,” he mumbled, suddenly recalling how much he’d hoped for an end to the storms when he’d traveled east on the train.
“Calvin, I was hoping that after we shop we could have lunch together.”
He had hoped to get back home and help Loyal clean the plow. Loyal had taken over the plowing when he’d left, but Calvin knew it would take both of them at least two hours to wash it up and the other farm implements.
“If you’d like to have lunch, then we shall. Where would you like to go?”
“To Applebee’s.”
“No Amish cooking for you, hmm?”
“I have had more than enough Amish food in my house, Calvin. I’m looking forward to their pasta.”
“Well, I could have some of that. Or Mexican food, maybe?”
As he’d expected, his mother’s eyes lit up. “Oh, yes. I read about green enchiladas in a magazine the other day. Doesn’t that sound interesting?”
Personally, the only green food Calvin trusted was a vegetable. “Enchiladas do sound interesting . . .”
“Did John take you to lots of restaurants in Indianapolis?”
“He did. Katie’s favorite was an ice cream parlor. They had thirty-one flavors there.�
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The expression of wonder on her mother’s face was almost comical. “Oh, Calvin. What were some of the flavors?”
Her comments were enough to make him smile for the last twenty minutes of the trip.
When they reached Wal-Mart, he helped her out of the buggy, then motioned her forward. “Mamm, I’m going to stay out here for a while. Take your time, though.”
She faltered. “You sure?”
“Positive. I’m going to try to clean up my boots and gloves a bit,” he said as an excuse. “If I went inside with them like this, they’d surely leave a trail of mud wherever I went.”
“You might have a point about that. Calvin, going out caked in mud isn’t like you. Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Don’t worry.”
“All right . . . if you’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
After another curious look his way, she left his side and went into the store. And then Calvin felt like he could finally exhale.
Ever since he’d left Lucy’s side yesterday, their conversation—and the way they’d stood together in silence—haunted him.
Something special was happening between them, something—like the mechanical problems on the train—that was out of his control.
But unlike the train’s malfunctions, this new development between him and Lucy made him feel happy—and long for something more. In their short association, they’d already been challenged. But now things were on track. He couldn’t help but think about a future with Lucy in it.
A future of making her smile.
“Calvin?”
“Hmm?” He looked up, his mind still on Lucy . . . and that dimple in her cheek. Then he froze when he realized Will was standing in front of him. “Will. Hello.” Against his best efforts, Calvin scanned the man who used to be his best friend.
Will stood tall and straight in front of him, his looks as chiseled as ever. But there was a new vulnerability in his eyes.
Slowly, Calvin walked forward. Though he still resented the way Will and Gwen had begun their relationship, he knew they would be crossing paths often. They had to be as civil as possible. “What brings you here?”
The Caregiver Page 17