by Rae, Alexa
"Deleting all your contacts."
"Funny." I tried to swipe it out of his hand, but he swung his arm away from my reach.
"I'm kidding." He paused, his eyes slyly shifting to me. "Only the guys."
"Eliminating the competition?" I teased, my hands at my hips.
He shook his head. His eyes back on my phone. From the side it looked like he was scrolling through my music playlists. "No competition."
I rolled my eyes. "Your self-confidence is astounding."
His smile grew, exposing his white teeth. He suddenly sat up, swung his legs over my bed, on either side of me so that I was stuck between them. His hands grasped my waist and pulled me to him. His touch sent spirals of electric jolts through my body causing my skin to tingle. My breathing hitched in response.
His blue eyes met mine, a mixture of sapphire dissolving into topaz near the iris. He held my gaze intently with an expression that dared me to look away from him. I nearly melted, locked under the embrace of his eyes. All it took was one look and I knew I would never be the same.
"Your heart beats faster when I'm around you. Do you react that way with most guys or is it just me?"
"Only you," I managed to whisper, still entranced by his eyes. The smoldering glow in them created warmth in my chest that I only felt when I was around Ben. I forgot every question I had regarding his reaction in the square. Those answers were trivial as the sensations, caused by his touch, took over my body.
My eyes fell to the perfect shape of his lips. The urge to push him down on the bed was overwhelming. I wanted to straddle his hips and kiss him in a way that put the naughty fantasies in my dreams to shame. I let out a small, frustrated breath at the realization of my thoughts and where my body's desires had brought me. I felt like Hayley.
"What happened tonight?" I blurted, desperate to get my mind away from the curiosity of what his lips tasted like.
One of his eyebrows arched. "Do you really want to talk about that now?" His eyes dropped down to my mouth, sharing my thoughts. I shook my head quickly. The hunger in his eyes grew more apparent. His voice dropped to a deep, throaty sound that reminded me of a pitch he used for parts of his songs. "What do you want?"
I couldn't say it out loud. I licked my bottom lip, contemplating the appropriate way of saying, "I want to rip your fucking clothes off." His grip on my waist tightened. Before I could open my mouth he stood up, moved behind me, and turned me with him so that my lower back was pushing against the edge of my bed. He shrugged out of the black leather jacket he wore and tossed it to the side. I wondered for a brief second how many leather jackets he owned, but then his hands cupped my cheeks, his cold breath whirled in my face, and I forgot my own name.
I could taste the spearmint on my tongue before his lips crashed against mine. I gasped into his mouth at the firm possessiveness of his lips. His hands left my face. I felt one on the lower part of my back, holding me against him, and the other on the side of my neck. My hands locked behind his neck while his lips devoured me. His tongue traced the outline of my bottom lip and I opened them, granting him access.
There was suddenly a new urgency about the way we kissed. I wanted more of him and I wasn't getting enough. I felt utterly selfish, but I didn't care. I moaned into his mouth, coaxing him to give me more. His hands grasped the bottom of my thighs to encourage me. With a small bounce I jumped up and tightened my legs around his waist. He held me easily without any sign of strain. His hands moved underneath my butt to support my weight.
He moved forward and laid me down on the bed without breaking the connection of our lips. He towered over me, supporting his weight so that I only felt enough of his body that caged me protectively. His lips trailed down to my neck, kissing places that evoked moans from my mouth that sounded foreign to me. One of my hands slipped underneath his black t-shirt running over ripples of the tight muscles on his back.
He leaned back suddenly, his hands pushed against the bed on either side of my shoulders, elbows slightly bent. He stared down at me with a mixture of lust and adoration in his eyes.
"You're beautiful." He whispered.
I smiled and reached up to cup the back of his neck, "Ditto."
He laughed. When his body shook against mine, we shared vibrations that spread a heat within me, traveling over my body in waves. The humor in his eyes vanished, the hunger returning. I pulled his face back down to mine, needing to feel that connection. Our kiss deepened. I felt one of his hands slide underneath my shirt until it cupped the curve of my breast through my bra.
Feeling brazen, I sucked his lip ring into my mouth. A moan ripped from his throat that encouraged me to do to it again. His thumb rubbed small circles over my breast that left me gasping for air in short ragged breaths, before his lips claimed mine and pulled me back under again.
Time disappeared from us, but I knew at least an hour had passed before his mouth slowed into long, gentle kisses that took the time to caress my lips that had grown sore. When he pulled away my eyes were still closed. I refused to leave the moment that left me on cloud nine.
"Ella," I heard Ben say. He was still above me. I could feel the lower half of his body against mine. Throughout the entire make-out session I could feel exactly what he wanted from me, but he never made one move to go further than simple gestures to appreciate my breasts.
My eyes unwillingly fluttered open to see him gazing down at me curiously. "Hmm?" I asked him, a small smile touching my lips.
"Are you okay?"
"Okay, would be an understatement." I told him. He laughed and I shook my head because he didn't understand the half of it. "I don't know how I can come back from that. You pretty much just ruined me for any other guy ever."
He moved his face closer to mine. "I'd be lying if I said that wasn't one of my intentions." His eyes trailed to my lips then back to my eyes. "I don't want there to be any other guys."
Something in my stomach did a backflip and my smile grew, despite my best attempts to hide it. "And when did you decide that?"
Something flashed in his eyes and for a second I thought I saw pain, but it disappeared before I could identify it. When he spoke, his voice was soft and apologetic. "The moment I saw you at the concert last year."
The girl I was for almost eighteen years of my life would have detested his comment. But in that moment, underneath him, with his promising eyes holding mine, I changed. If I hadn't fallen already, I was definitely falling then. I didn't want to hold back. There was a suppressed part of me that was scared of his effect on me, but it was overcome by every other emotion that I felt when I was near him. I didn't just want to be with him. I needed to be with him.
"So," I said, my fingertips tracing the line of his jaw, "Does this mean you're going to call me?"
He laughed and kissed my nose. "My number is already in your phone." He pulled away to catch my grin before I could hide it. He took my hands in his, before he leaned back and stepped off my bed, pulling me with him. "Do you want to put a movie in?"
I remembered the movie I had put into the DVD player downstairs and wondered if he'd seen it when he let himself into my house. The movie didn't seem as appealing as it had before. "I can't promise I'll watch it."
"I never said anything about watching it." He said, his voice lower than before. A shudder ripped through me as he pulled me towards the door. I watched our entwined hands in fascination. They fit together perfectly.
I traded places with him and led him down the back staircase that brought us directly to the kitchen. The popcorn was still siting on the kitchen counter in a large bowl. I dropped his hand so I could pick it up. I plopped a few pieces in my mouth and carried it over to the living room. I placed it down on the coffee table and turned to Ben.
He picked up the empty DVD case that was on the table. "The Lost Boys?" He read out loud and looked at me.
I shrugged. "I like Kiefer Sutherland."
After I got the movie started I sat next to Ben who was already comfortabl
y situated on the couch. We sat close, our arms brushing against the other. When the movie finished with the beginning credits Ben spoke.
"This isn't going to work." He said in frustration.
I frowned and turned to him in alarm. "What?"
He laughed at the worry creasing into my features. Without answering, he pulled me into his lap until I sat comfortably against him. His arms wrapped around the frame of my body while one of his hands held mine, our fingers entwined. I leaned back against him, my head resting against his chest. He leaned his head down, his lips at the bare skin exposed on my shoulder.
"Much better," he whispered, sounding satisfied.
As promised we only made it fifteen minutes into the movie -that neither of us watched- before his lips drove me insane. He would push my shirt that thankfully had a large neckline, over my shoulder so he could kiss the skin there and everywhere around it. He pulled my hair away from one side of my neck and pressed his lips on a spot just below my ear. When I felt his tongue slide over my skin I lost it.
I turned around in his lap, straddling him, and pushed my hands flat against his shoulders. His eyes flashed to mine. The hunger in them matched mine. That was everything I needed before I pressed my lips to his. He kissed me back long and slow, reminding me of my lips that were still a little sore from before. He was gentle as his hands cradled my face. My own hands ran up and down his chest. His lips reacted a little more urgently to mine as my hands ran underneath his shirt that was preventing me from further access and it began to frustrate me.
I pulled away from him, my hands gripping the fabric. "I don't like this."
He arched an eyebrow without following my gaze. "I can fix that." I smiled and his hands dropped from my waist. He leaned forward, reached behind his back, and pulled the shirt over his head. He tossed it behind the couch without breaking my gaze.
He really was ripped. Most guys in rock bands were tall and lanky, but Ben was most definitely an exception. I bit down hard on my lip as my eyes trailed over his hard muscles. I leaned down and pressed my lips to his stomach, trailing them upwards. Ben gripped my waist and uttered a few low groans in response.
Suddenly I was turned to the side and flipped onto my back. Ben leaned over me his eyes dark and filled with lust. "If you keep doing that I'm not going to let this stop." I tried to push myself up, to call his bluff, but he held me down. His hold was firm, but still careful. "I don't want to go any further until you're sure it's what you want. I'm not going to let you make that mistake." I pushed my lips out to pout, but secretly gloating in his intentions. He didn't want me to do anything I would regret. But I knew with Ben there were no regrets. I only ever wanted to be with him, no one else.
Remembering his words from the night before, I couldn't help but smile. "I thought you didn't care."
He shrugged. "I don't." I opened my mouth to speak, but he put a finger to my lips. "There is this one chick that I had to make an exception for."
"Why?" I asked him.
He took my hands in his and pulled me up to a sitting position. He leveled his eyes with mine. "There's something about her. The way the light touches her eyes when she smiles, even when she's hurting and I know she hurts all the time. She makes me question who I am. She makes me want to be better." He kissed me softly before he pulled away. "I want to keep her safe because the thought of someone hurting her makes me want to do bad. I'd do anything to take her pain away, to kill her demons."
I felt as though someone had knocked the wind out of me. I stared at him, refusing to allow myself to cry, not in front of him. I wasn't a crier, but my vision blurred. I sucked in a deep breath, hoping that would help me. His eyes looked torn when he realized my face was beginning to crumble. He pulled me against him, holding me with his tight arms.
"Ella, I didn't mean," he stopped himself. "I'm sorry."
I pulled away from him quickly. One of my hands covered his mouth. "No, don't say that. Don't be sorry. You just," I swallowed hard and dropped my hand. "You took me off guard. Everyone thinks I'm happy just because I smile and put on a show. I want it that way. It makes me feel strong. But I always assumed it would be that way. That no one would ever truly understand me because they couldn't see my pain. I've gotten used to hiding it." I tried to explain to him.
He raised his hand, his knuckles brushing softly over my cheek. "I know that kind of pain. The look in your eyes, I used to have that look before I turned it off. The day I stopped caring, I stopped hurting."
I frowned and looked down at my hands in my lap. "I don't like the pain, but I wouldn't be me without it. It reminds me I'm still alive."
"Your pain makes you a better person because you've learned to survive with it." I looked up to see the ghost smile return. "I meant what I said. I'd do anything to take it away."
"Being with you makes everything a little less scary, Ben." I pressed my lips to his, before pulling away. "I forget about the pain with you. I feel," I shook my head. "I just feel absolutely wonderful when we're together. Horny sometimes, but mostly wonderful."
He laughed. "Those two could go hand in hand."
"It works out then," I smiled.
We gazed at each other. The sadness in his eyes returned in our silence. I frowned watching his face churn into a mixture of remorse and regret like before. I touched his face with the tips of my fingers, hoping to relax the some of the worry lines.
"Ben, what is it?"
He looked up at me. His hands gently clasped the sides of my necks. "Ella, I need you to understand something."
"Okay."
He nodded. "I told you there were things about me that you can never know. I wish I could share them with you, but it's just not possible. The person you think I am is not the man that I am. I'm a monster." My stomach twisted into knots at his words. As much as I wanted argue the adamant image he had of himself, I knew he wasn't exaggerating. There was something in his eyes, in his voice, and in the way he held me that made me sure he was telling the truth. I just wish I knew what his definition of monster was.
"Despite who I am, I need you to understand that I would never and will never do anything to hurt you. I've made some selfish mistakes in the past, but I'm doing everything I can to make it right. I need you to trust that."
I touched his lips with my fingers. "I trust you, Ben." I met his gaze. "But whatever it is that has you so scared you don't have to deal with it alone. I can fight it with you."
He shook his head. "It's not me I'm scared for. It's something that I have to fight alone. Your trust in me is all that I need."
"So you will fight my demons with me, but I can't return the favor?" I didn't like those odds. I wanted us to be equals.
"It's not the same fight, Ella."
Fight what? He was scared. If not for himself, then for who? I couldn't understand what he was talking about. Did he owe someone money? Has he committed many horrific, unspeakable crimes? That didn't seem likely. Every conclusion I came to, didn't seem like the right one. He was a rock star. So that had to have its flaws. Were drugs an issue?
I gave a dry laugh. "I think I'm more confused than I was before."
He gave me a small frown. "But you understand?"
"That you'd never do anything to hurt me? Yeah, I think I got that." I laughed and leaned forward connecting my lips with his. "That is undeniably sweet by the way," I whispered against his lips. "I can't say many girls my age have guys that would make promises even remotely close to that." I pulled away one last time to look him in the eyes. "That goes both ways, you know."
The look that flashed in his eyes sent another heat wave throughout my body. His hands held my face against his while his lips collided with mine. They pushed away the confusion, the secrets, the demons, and the pain, and enveloped me with the warmth of his security. I didn't need promises. His kiss sealed every unspoken word that doubted my trust. His kiss promised me a long road of darkness, but I was willing to fight it blindly if it meant Ben would be at my side.
Eighteen
"Someone just fucking shoot me in the face."
I turned to Hayley who slammed her forehead into the locker beside mine. She groaned, peeked at me through her dark curls, and glowered. It didn't take a genius to figure out she was hung over, but I wasn't going to ask for details. She made it a habit of drinking, staying up late, and coming to school looking like shit. It was only Thursday.
"No gun, sorry." I shut my locker, balancing my books in the crook of my arm while pulling her up with the other.
"Why do you have to be so happy?" she grunted, barely opening her eyes as we turned to walk towards the main entrance of the school.
"I really shouldn't be." I kept a straight face, but my voice was teasing. "In fact, I'm getting real tired of your shit."
"That's more like it," she drawled.
"Oh gosh. The aspirin didn't work, did it?"
Shiloh walked on the other side of Hayley. She shook her head without responding. I looked over her head and met Shiloh's gaze. We shared the weekly eye roll for Hayley's extracurricular activities and kept walking.
"So Ella, what are Sloane's plans for you this lovely evening?" I looked down, allowing my long hair to fall into my face to hide my blush. "Oh look at that face!" She exclaimed as I bit the inside of my cheeks.
"Sloane," I said his name tentatively, secretly loathing myself for the lie I was feeding them, "Hasn't told me what we're doing. It's a surprise."
"When can we meet the panty dropping bastard?" Hayley said, slipping her Aviators over her eyes when we walked outside.
"I didn't drop my panties for him."