by Rae, Alexa
"You want me to keep her occupied before she showers?"
Ben's jaw locked. I looked over my shoulder to see Cam grinning at me while tossing a corpse over his shoulder as though it were a rag doll. Everyone else was working hard on getting rid of the bodies so I hadn't thought that anyone would be listening. I rolled my eyes and faced Ben. His eyes were murderous on Cam. Even if he was joking, our sex life was something no one messed with.
I took Ben's chin and pulled it down forcing him to look at me. "He's kidding."
"I'm going to bury him in our backyard."
"Don't do that," I scolded. "What would the neighbors think?"
He laughed and pulled me against him, his arms around my back, hugging me to his chest. He smelled like smoke and rotting meat. It was the same smell that wavered in the air around us. It was the smell of dead bodies that were decomposing faster than the average rate I learned in Biology class. The smell was awful, rotten with a tinge of sweetness like cheap cologne. I hadn't noticed it until I was inhaling it off Ben's shirt.
"You smell bad," I muttered without moving.
His lips were at my ear. "So do you."
"Shower," I mumbled thoughtfully.
Ben laughed. "Your brother is getting ready to annihilate me."
I immediately pulled myself out of Ben's grasp to see Noah glowering at my boyfriend with a murderous expression that was mixed with disgust. He'd gotten more than an earful of what he didn't want to hear. I was embarrassed, but it was my brother. He was really here, in front of me, and the thought of leaving to rest suddenly seemed like the most undesirable thing in the world. Noah wasn't planning on sticking around.
"You're going to leave, aren't you?" I asked him.
He pulled his eyes away from Ben and they filled with regret once they caught sight of my torn expression. "You know I can't stay."
I wanted to whine and complain the way I used to when he was alive, but I was older and I understood why he couldn't. I just didn't like it. I wanted my brother back.
I swallowed hard and tried not let the tears that were brimming my eyes fall. Noah sensed my distress and was in front of me immediately. He pulled me into one of his big bear hugs again. It seemed like forever until he pulled away. I wiped my eyes and looked up at my brother, trying hard to smile, but the knot in my throat was preventing me from making any commitments. Noah's hands grasped my shoulders.
"You're going to see me again, Ellie, I promise. It's just going to be a little while."
I nodded, "Pinky promise?"
He laughed and locked his pinky around mine. "Pinky promise."
I threw my arms around his shoulders again and squeezed with all of the strength I had left. When we pulled away I faced Cam who was waiting impatiently, tapping his boot against the concrete with his arms crossed. The feigned irritation on his face made me smile. Ben hated his jovial personality, but I found him entertaining.
I gave Ben a gentle kiss on the cheek before I made my way over to Cam. He shook my car keys in front of me and smirked. I would ask him how he got a hold of those later. PJ and Cam walked with me to my car. I looked over my shoulder to Noah as we walked away. He gave me a soft, sad smile as I walked away. Ben's eyes were frozen on me.
I smiled to both of them, before I got inside my car. Cam slipped into the front seat and PJ slithered into the back. Cam turned on the car and put the key in drive. He stopped when his eyes lit.
"If I make siren noises will you slap me?" Cam asked, looking at me.
"I will." PJ said.
Cam grinned, but didn't hold true to his request as he drove us away from the scene of the fight.
Thirty-One
It was past midnight when I couldn't take the smell any longer. Three hours had passed since PJ and Cam dropped me off at my house and left my car parked in the driveway. I waited at the kitchen table, scraping the dried blood off my arms with my fingernails until they were darkened beneath the tips. I called Ben only to get the brief recording of his voice telling me to leave a message. I didn't get an answer on the second call either.
I gave in and took a shower. I hoped the warm water would ease some of the nerves rustling against the pit of my stomach. I washed and rewashed my hair until the smell of lavender was potent. I spent most of my time scrubbing my skin until it was covered in burning red splotches. It took long excruciating minutes to scrub my body clean of the dirt and dried blood. When I was finally finished my eyes were mesmerized by the water, tinted orange, swirling into the drain by my feet.
When I stepped out of the shower the nerves remained, much to my dismay. With my hand I wiped away the fog from my mirror above the bathroom sink to examine my face. My skin looked paler than usual. I pulled my hair back into a messy bun and touched a few of the minor cuts around the side of my forehead. There was nothing too out of place for my mom to notice when she got home.
I couldn't shake the feeling the offset feeling in the atmosphere, hanging above me like an anvil ready to drop at any given moment. It was my appearance, it had to be. I didn't catch the missing piece until I turned away from the mirror. It was my eyes. The light I stood under dulled the glint in my emerald green orbs. They weren't bright with excitement, but overcome by bleak remorse.
There was something else, something that brought the uneasiness to my stomach and the tightening in my chest making it difficult to breathe without feeling a twinge of pain. There was an unbalance. The earth was off its axis.
I slipped into my pajamas and checked my phone again. Another hour had passed and still no word from Ben. Every time I checked my phone the foreboding feeling worsened. I refused to believe something was wrong. He was busy. He would stop by or at least call me.
I lay in bed for what seemed like hours, waiting, tossing and turning, and waiting some more. My eyes were heavy with sleep, but I managed to stay awake until the numbers on my phone read 2:30 in the morning. I decided to text him once more.
I just want to make sure everything is okay. Please call me when you get this.
More waiting followed for a response with nothing in return. I eventually gave in to the darkness and the haunted nightmares of my past, and now my future. My monsters knew what I was now or maybe they knew all along. I broke into a sweat anticipating the sleep that would bring my demons, fully armed with the right amount of terror to keep me restless. They hadn't come back to visit in the past couple weeks I spent with Ben.
I could feel them inching closer to me with every aching second that my body gave way, slipping under the surface. Something was definitely wrong. I could feel it in my bones. They were my last thoughts before I was dragged under.
.
I awoke to the sound of my phone beeping, signaling a new message. My room was illuminated with the grey light that left my lavender colored walls a dreary purple. Only on days with scattered showers and thunderstorms. I sat up in my bed and pulled my phone back into my sweaty palms. I was still half asleep but I managed to pull the message from Ben up on my phone and fully read it after a couple tries.
Everything's fine. Can you meet me at the place that I showed you behind the woods in an hour?
I swallowed and quickly messaged back a response and threw myself out of bed. I hadn't held my hopes up high, but I prayed that sleep would sweep away the unwanted feelings that left me uneasy. As I changed into a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt that accented my eyes, the sinking feeling in my stomach gained weight. I carried around bricks in the pit of my stomach, puncturing my insides, until I began to sweat with nervousness.
What was wrong with me?
I knew that once I saw Ben everything would be okay. I was eager to find his sacred place in the middle of the woods so that I could lose myself in the strength of his arms. His arms must have been my one of my favorite physical aspects about him because I could lose myself in them, that and his eyes. I desperately needed serenity his presence overwhelmed me with.
I locked up the house and got back into my car; tha
nkful it didn't reek of any unwanted smells. I drove by memory, pulling my car off to the side of the road, and following the unmarked street until it came to a dead end.
My knee shook from the bruised pain when I got out of the car. I rolled my eyes hating when something in my body didn't work right. I wasn't going to be able to put much pressure on it for the next few days, but I would walk miles on it if it meant I could see Ben.
I walked through the woods, following the unmarked path that I remembered we used when Ben brought me here the first time. I found his spot within ten minutes of walking. Ten minutes of thought brought back the memories of my night before and the demons that terrorized me. This time the demons were there, forcing me to eat my own flesh. I hammered at my thoughts, searching for something else to occupy my time, and found nothing.
I didn't sigh with relief when I came to the clearing, but my thoughts of my dreams were lost for the time being. My eyes caught the running water underneath the bridge, the willow tree on the other side of the inland, and when they didn't find Ben I grew anxious.
I made my way across the bridge and stood beside the willow tree's weeping branches. The wind had picked up since I left the house. My eyes looked up to the angry storm clouds rolling in above me. It looked as though the rain could come down in buckets or pass over.
"Ella."
My heart stopped. Why did it stop? It was supposed to jump out of my chest, not cringe in anticipation. I turned and met his clear blue eyes that shone out of the darkness of the night.
"Ben," I said.
The second I saw his face a smile was brought to my lips involuntarily. Now that I could see him, standing in front of me, in one piece, my heart lurched for him. I ran to him, wincing as I moved, before I wrapped my arms around him. His arms were loose around my back, his posture stiffened against my sudden touch.
The smile dropped from my face immediately. I pulled away from him to relieve myself of his negligent response. I forced myself to look at his face, dreading what I would see. When I looked into his eyes I found it.
The darkness shadowed over his icy blue orbs, the fire in them extinguished. The cold, dead look in his eyes that I recognized from the night we first met had settled back into place. The warmth he'd developed with me since that night was gone.
His jaw tensed as he waited for me to finish examining him. A bullet shot through my chest could not compare to the pain I suddenly felt when he returned my gaze.
"What's wrong?" I whispered, unable to hide the worry and the shaking fear.
"Allan called."
"Your manager?"
He gave a curt nod. "Tour is resuming. Max is dead. We're giving a remembrance tour in his name. We play our first show in two days. We're back on the road tonight."
I tried to ignore that he hadn't bothered to give me specifics. "Oh," I breathed, hoping he would elaborate but he was quiet.
I couldn't understand the sudden change in his mood. He was cold, looking at me as if I were the enemy. I desperately needed to know what was wrong. Had I done something? The last time I saw him the melting look in his eyes made my head swim. That look was gone.
"That's not that bad," I tried to say, pulling the smile back on my face. "It's your life. Will you play here on your tour or will you have to wait until the spring?"
"We're not coming back."
My mouth fell ajar. His words were cold and hard, cutting right through me. I fought back a wince from the blow and swallowed. My hands clenched into fists at my sides, trying hard to suppress anything emotional. I didn't want to believe what he was telling me. Or wasn't telling me. It didn't make sense.
"At all?"
"No."
I pressed my lips together and traded the aching cry within me, for anger. This wasn't Ben. Something happened last night after I left.
"Ella," he said my name as if it was just another word you could look up in the dictionary. It held no importance to him or so he wanted me to believe. "What we had could never last."
My eyes narrowed, "Had?"
He continued as if I hadn't interrupted him. "I told you from the start it could never work out between us. I should have ended this before it started. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" I repeated incredulously. "What happened to everything you said to me? Was that just some sick rock star game to get in my pants?" I shouted, taking a step away from him.
I tried to wrap my head around what was happening. I let myself fall for him because I thought he cared for me in the same way I did for him. Was I wrong? Had I been played? My heart wrenched out of my chest, my thoughts running on overdrive at the possibilities, but none of them were Ben. What we shared was real and everything he said to me was the open truth. I wasn't just some girl to him. Something happened last night after I left.
He froze after my sudden outburst. His eyes widened slightly, as though he hadn't expected my response, but what else could he have expected. He was lying to me and I wanted to know why.
My eyes hardened. "I don't believe you."
He sighed and adverted his gaze. "I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that!" I shouted at him, my voice seething with anger. "What exactly are you sorry for? For what happened between us? I didn't realize that was something to be ashamed of." I held my chin up high with determination. I wasn't falling for his bullshit and he knew it. "But it's not, is it. You know what we have is real. Why are you willing to give it up so easily?"
I watched his eyes that he kept focused on the water. An emotion he caged from me rose to the surface. He pushed it away immediately and the cold frost over his eyes returned. My words struck him. What I saw was pure hatred and it wasn't directed at me.
I tried replaying the events of the previous night. I went through every suspicious detail. I came down to one conclusion that left me shocked and speechless. My brother.
Noah looked at him with the same anger I saw in Ben's eyes seconds ago. He despised him for reasons that were unknown. He insisted that Ben stay behind while I went back to the house. Ben wanted to come back with me, but my brother kept him there.
"Noah said something to you, didn't he?"
Ben's eyes flashed to mine. The intensity of his stare held mine to his. He refused to say anything, but his lack of response was all I needed. My brother told him to stay away from me. What else could he have said?
"What did he say, Ben?"
He shook his head once. "I'm leaving, Ella."
Wrong answer.
"Don't you dare." I said shoving my hands against his chest. The surprise in his eyes told me I caught him off guard again, but his reflexes would allow him to block my move. But he staggered back, allowing me to push him, to get angry with him. He wanted me to hate him. Hate was the easiest way to get over someone.
"What did he say to you?" I pressed.
Ben shook his head firmly. "What we had could never last, Ella. It's over."
"No!" I tried to stay angry, but the tears were welding in my eyes because the look on his face was set. He'd made up his mind and nothing I could say would change it. "This isn't what you want."
"I'm a rock star, Ella. I can't stay in one place, stuck here with you. It would have never worked. What we had was temporary and I'm sorry for stringing you along."
"You don't," I tried to argue when he cut me off.
"Mean it? I do," he swore. "You're human. I'm a monster. You're college bound and I'm a musician. I can't be with you, Ella. We don't work." His entire body tensed, his eyes are dry, lacking emotion. He looks like one of the Undead. "It's over."
I tried to remind myself that this was Noah talking. Ben was trying to push me away, but every word cut deeper than the ones before. Everything he said didn't sound fresh or spontaneously made up. He'd been thinking about this for a while. I wasn't his other half.
Something shattered in my chest when I remembered our night together. I told him I loved him. He never said it back. He cared for me, that was undeniable given the numerous times he'd s
aved my life, but that seemed trivial to him. He was never there in the way that I was. Which meant he never was planning on trying to make it work. He was going to leave. Just like my father, just like Noah. I wasn't worth it.
The anger drained in my expression with nothing to replace it. I stared at him knowing I would never be the same. He owned me. He possessed me in a way that no other man could ever possibly try. My insides were screaming at me in pain, in rage, in jealousy, in sadness. For being everything he didn't want.
"I should be the one giving the apologies, then." I said, my voice clearly broken.
His eyebrows knit together. My words surprised him, yet again. "What?"
"I'm sorry it didn't mean anything to you."
"You don't deserve someone like me." He said, his words carefully chosen.
My face twisted into disbelief. "Are you really going to feed me the 'it's not you, it's me' crap? I'm not stupid, Ben."
We were quiet. His closed off eyes were on me while mine glared intently at the water.
"Tell me something." I paused, unable to look at him. He waited silently. "Is part of your rock star persona getting the gullible teenage girl to fall in love with you or is it so you can sleep with her?" I finished acerbically, my eyes sliced to his.
A singe of pain morphed into his gaze, but it was gone before I could truly identify it. He clenched his jaw as though he was holding something back. He looked down. His silence engulfed me like a poison that spread to my heart, icing it to the core. He had nothing to say to me. That was an answer in itself.
"Congratulations, you scored the package. You got in the small town nobody's pants and stole her heart." I was feeling brazen. I had to hear myself say it, for closure.
His eyes shot to mine and for a moment I saw something flash behind them that made me believe he was going to respond with the answer my broken heart yearned for, that my chest ached for.
He blinked and whatever I saw behind his eyes was gone. "I never wanted to hurt you, Ella." His eyes bore intently into mine when I met his gaze. I shook my head, unable to find words. I needed to get out of there. I moved around him and walked to the bridge. It pained me with every step, feeling my heart rip out of my chest.