But Chelsie couldn’t have children. And here he was, a man with a child, a ready-made family she could call her own. He couldn’t deny that the cynic in him lived on, created by women who’d used and betrayed him in the past. Had Chelsie fallen in love with the notion of family that he and Alix offered?
She’d said as much herself. Family is a precious gift. You’ve both given me so much. He didn’t believe Chelsie would deliberately use them to achieve something she couldn’t have on her own. But she hadn’t told him the facts up front, not even after they’d made love. Why not? Unless she, too, wanted something from him and was afraid of losing it by revealing all. Consciously or unconsciously, the truth remained, and so did his doubts.
“I love you,” she murmured.
Though he held her in his arms and brushed a kiss against her temple, Griff remained silent.
A few uncomfortable minutes later, he pulled away and stood.
“Griff?”
“I’ve got to get back to Alix.”
She blinked, pain flashing in her eyes for a millisecond before her expression changed to one of acceptance. Her mind had obviously assessed and discounted the truth of his statement. She knew as well as he did that Alix was well cared for in his absence. There was no rush, except for his sudden need to be alone.
The wounded look passed so quickly, he thought he’d been mistaken. The twisting in his gut told him otherwise. Before she banked the emotion, her vulnerability had shown plainly on her face. “Will you be all right?” he asked.
She pulled the lapels of her robe together, keeping her hands at her throat “Of course.”
The strain between them, the distance that hadn’t been there earlier, settled on his shoulders. He’d caused the tension. He could easily rectify matters. Two steps forward, a touch, and Chelsie would be in his arms.
She brushed past him to open the door. The soft scent of the bubble bath lingered in the air. Just two steps. It might as well have been two miles. He laid a hand on her cheek.
“ ’Bye, Griff.” Despite her firm tone, he caught the sheen of moisture in her eyes and the way she’d locked her jaw to keep any emotions from showing on her face.
He swallowed hard. “I just need some time.”
She shrugged. He hadn’t taken half a step into the hallway when the door shut behind him. He waited until he heard the turning of the dead bolt and the rattle of the chain on the door. The sounds of Chelsie closing him out of her life. Only then did he head for the bank of elevators, alone.
* * *
Coming to work hadn’t been easy. Trying to deal with Griff had been even more of a trial. Looking at him – hurt. Being in the same room but not being close to him hurt even more.
Every day, business between them suffered as a result. Still, they owed their clients, including Amanda, their best. “Just make sure the judge grants the restraining order immediately,” Chelsie said. “I’ll handle things here.”
“No problem.” Griff picked up a stack of files and placed them in his briefcase without once meeting her gaze.
She pushed aside the waves of nausea and anxiety and kept herself busy instead. A few more minutes and she’d be alone. No more false pretenses, no more pretending it didn’t hurt.
Stepping outside his office, she poured two cups of coffee from the pot in the reception area before returning to face him. “Here. It’s decaf.”
He looked up and graced her with a scowl, the first true sign of recognition he’d given her all morning. “You’re wound so tight you’ll explode at the slightest problem,” she explained. “Besides, I won’t watch you overdose on caffeine.”
He grunted in response. Chelsie sighed. Ignoring the real problem wouldn’t solve anything, but she’d promised herself she’d try. For his sake, she had to do her best. After all, she understood. He needed time, so she’d give him time. Even if it turned out to be forever.
“You’d better get going or you’ll be late.” She handed him Amanda Sutton’s case file.
“Thanks.” Without glancing in her direction, he stuffed the papers in his briefcase and walked out.
With her heart lodged somewhere in her throat, Chelsie watched him go. Though she had expected this reaction, she couldn’t say his attitude didn’t hurt. But she’d lived without him before, and she would do so again.
Even as she’d realized that Griff’s silence didn’t bode well for their relationship, she finally felt a measure of self-worth that had nothing to do with her status as an attorney. Chelsie now accepted her mistakes. She had atoned for them as best as she knew how.
She would learn to live without children of her own, without hiding in a crystal palace that mocked her infertility and represented her poor judgment. If anything, that apartment now reminded her of Alix and the joy children could bring anywhere, even a place they weren’t meant to be.
She had Griff to thank for her new attitude. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to want to be a part of her life. When she let herself feel, the pain was almost unbearable. She knew she would have to deal with that, but first she needed to reestablish one other important relationship in her life. After flipping through her calendar, she placed a call to her parents at their vacation home in Florida. Minutes later, she’d booked a flight.
She spent the next few hours scrambling to organize her caseload, cram as much as she could into the coming week, and free up her weekend.
She glanced around her cluttered desk, but piles of manila folders blocked any productive search. “Where would I put those files?” she muttered.
If she managed to interview a few extra potential witnesses this week and postponed a messy divorce that was destined to carry on forever anyway, she could take three days off with no problem. But not if the expert witness file didn’t turn up sometime soon.
After ransacking her office and badgering their secretary, Chelsie went to Griff’s office, hoping he’d borrowed the list for Amanda’s case. She silently blessed him for his share-with-your-partner policy. The man didn’t care if she went through his desk, his books, or his papers, as long as she returned things so he could find them later.
As her partner, he had turned out to be great. As her lover… she shook her head, refusing to travel that path until she had time alone to think things through.
Unlike Chelsie, Griff kept the top of his desk meticulously clean, so she knew immediately she’d have to search the drawers. She opened the top one, hoping she wouldn’t have to search every file cabinet in the office.
She had no idea what order the files were in, so she flipped from the beginning. “What the hell?” The header on one contained her name in bold type and she withdrew a sheaf of papers.
She sifted through the assorted documents, sinking into his chair mid-way through. “Thorough background check, driving record, marriage license, divorce decree, hospital records, documentation of miscarriage and nurses’ notations of possible spousal abuse,” she read aloud.
Chelsie had discounted her ex-husband’s words, but obviously Jeff had been right. Someone had been digging into her past. The list of documents went on and on. Not a single aspect of her life had been untouched or considered sacred.
She pressed the folder to her chest feeling well and truly violated by the man she’d given her heart.
“Chelsie,” Griff called out, striding into his office. “Gloria said you’re looking for the list. I must have stuffed it into… What’s wrong?”
She raised her head and looked at him. “You ought to lock up private documents, or at least not be so liberal about sharing your office.” She tossed the file onto his empty desk, watching as the papers scattered across the dark wood. “Anything you wanted to know, all you had to do was ask. I never once lied to you. Omitted facts, maybe, but I never lied.”
Slowly, he lowered his briefcase into the nearest chair. His expression revealed nothing. “Anything I learned, I wanted to hear from you first.”
“So explain this.” She jerked her hands towards
the documents, lifting one in her hand.
“A concerned friend.”
“Ryan,” she muttered.
He nodded. “But not my idea.”
“So you didn’t ask your best friend to dig up all the dirt on my sordid past?”
A muscle twitched in his cheek. “That hurts, Chelsie. I thought you knew me better than that. I turned down an opportunity to have Ryan investigate before we became partners.”
“So you had an attack of morality. But that didn’t stop you from reading the information when you had the chance.” Given the curiosity inherent in human nature, Chelsie wouldn’t be surprised if he had. She also wouldn’t blame him. He’d gone against his initial instincts.
Despite her mistake in suing for custody on her parents’ behalf, he’d taken her into his home and practically shared custody of Alix. With her family’s track record and his niece’s welfare at stake, Griff had a right to delve as deeply as he wanted into her life.
“It sure as hell did.” His dark eyes narrowed. Anger emanated from the arrogant tilt of his head to the hand he slammed against the desk. “Think about it.”
She paused. When she tried to view yesterday’s revelations from an unbiased perspective, she had no choice but to believe him. If he had known of her infertility, the information wouldn’t have thrown him as it had. There would have been no reason for him to take off or for him to need time on his own. Certainly, he would have had an opportunity to anticipate how to respond should she choose to confide in him. On the other hand, if he hadn’t known, he’d be shocked and react accordingly. And he had.
Only one question remained. How did Griff feel about her now? She’d laid her heart out for him, and he hadn’t accepted her love. But he hadn’t rejected it either.
“And now that you know everything?” she asked, her eyes never leaving his.
* * *
Griff wasn’t surprised that she’d all but asked his intentions. It was only a matter of time. As an attorney, he’d seen her question, cross-examine, and win the toughest cases. Only in her personal life had she seemed fragile, but that fragility cracked yesterday. She’d grown stronger since. When she’d admitted her past, she had faced her own demons. After that, cornering Griff about his feelings couldn’t be too tough.
He sat on the corner of his desk, watching as she swiveled her chair back and forth.
“I’m not pressuring you for an answer. I’m just curious about what’s going through your mind,” she said.
He decided on honesty. “Remember I told you I’d been engaged?”
She nodded. “You’re still in love with her?” Her voice nearly cracked under the strain of asking such a potentially devastating question.
“I don’t think I ever was. I think she fulfilled certain expectations,” he admitted, thinking of his selfish ex-fiancée.
“Such as?”
“She left me when things got rough. She wanted my six-figure salary and the perks that came along with the partnership. She wanted what I could give her, but she never wanted me.”
“Or Alix,” Chelsie murmured.
“Exactly. You, on the other hand, claim to want both.”
She narrowed her eyes and Griff could almost see her analytical mind sifting through the information. It was only a matter of time before she figured things out on her own. Griff waited.
“So the question is do I want you, or do I want what you can give me—what I can’t have on my own?” She clenched her fists, apparently forgetting she still held the documents. The papers crumpled under the strain. “Is that an accurate assessment of what you’re thinking?” she asked.
He bit down on the inside of his cheek. “Yes.”
She nodded. “And here I thought your greatest concern would be that I couldn’t give you children of your own. Tell me, is that also a problem for you, counselor?”
“No.”
“Right.” She surged to her feet, anger and hurt more than evident in her dark eyes. “Every man wants his own flesh and blood, Griff. Don’t kid yourself or me. Somewhere down the line, you’d resent me because I couldn’t give you a child of your own.”
“Whatever put that idea in your head?”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I only asked because I was curious.”
He couldn’t believe she thought so little of him. Could she truly think he’d only want her if she could bear his children? “You’re wrong, Chelsie. It matters very much.”
“Not really.” She collected the scattered papers on the desk and shuffled them into a neat stack. “If you could even think that I’d use you, that all I want from you is what you could give me, then we never had much between us anyway.”
“You don’t believe that.”
She shook her head and offered him a sad smile. “No. But obviously you do.”
After placing the papers down, she rounded the corner of the desk and came up beside him. She placed a warm hand against his cheek. “I know you’ve lost a lot in your life. You’re tough because you had to be. But if you continue to expect so little from people, that’s exactly what you’ll get in return.”
“That’s not what this is about.”
“Isn’t it? Your mother left you. Your ex-fiancée did the same. They both wanted something you couldn’t give them. When they left, you were able to say, ‘See, all women are alike’.” She paused to catch her breath. “When you realized I wasn’t running anywhere, you got so damned scared you had to push me away. You’re afraid to trust that I mean what I say, so you come up with the excuse that I’m just like them—I don’t love you, I love what you can give me.”
In an effort to get what she wanted and remain with Alix, had Chelsie convinced herself she loved him, too? Knowing her as he did, the thought was absurd. And yet…
He could never be sure. “Don’t you?” The words escaped before he could stop them.
Her eyes opened wide. “No,” she whispered.
The tears welling in the brown depths told him in no uncertain terms he’d pushed her too far. He’d hurt her in a fundamental way, and she deserved better. He reached out to her, but she stepped back to avoid his touch.
“I love Alix, and not just because she’s my sister’s child. I can’t deny that and I wouldn’t want to.” She walked towards the door, head held high. “I trust this morning’s hearing went well?”
All business. Perhaps that was just as well. Though her words stayed with him, he couldn’t help wondering which one of them was suffering from delusions, Chelsie or himself. “Restraining order’s right here,” he said, patting his briefcase. “Jeff’s being served as we speak.” He met her gaze. “He’d be a fool to go near you now.”
She nodded. “Anyway, I’ll be out of town visiting my parents at the end of the week.”
“Since when?”
“Like I told you. Family’s important. I cleared my calendar and you don’t need me.” She cleared her throat, an obvious ruse to cover her shaken emotions. “I’ve got to set up appointments with those expert witnesses in the next few days.”
He nodded. “The file is here.” He pulled the folder from inside his briefcase.
She accepted it, careful to avoid his touch. He mentally acknowledged the pain, but refused to let it show. “I’ll let you get to it, then. See you at dinner?”
She hesitated, staring at a point over his shoulder when she finally answered. “I have too much work to do if I want to leave Friday.”
He recognized her excuse for what it was. “Fine.” Considering he’d cut her loose, what else could he say?
TWELVE
The humming of the machine as it copied and collated couldn’t drum out the warm and tempting sounds from downstairs. A clatter of pots signaled dinnertime, footsteps spoke of a home lived in and filled with love, and Alix’s shrieks of laughter wouldn’t be denied. Chelsie was forced to endure.
She tried to focus on the documents spread out on her desk, but the words blurred, memories of times she’d been a part of
the family unit downstairs taking their place. She imagined Griff’s gruff voice, huskier after they’d made love; his touch on her skin in places that belonged to him alone; his welcoming and often seductive smile. Chelsie had experienced each for the last time. Even knowing she had anticipated this back when Griff had proposed their partnership didn’t make things bearable now.
A clatter, a thud, and the unmistakable sound of a child’s cries rose towards her. Chelsie gripped the arms of her chair and jumped up from her seat before reminding herself that Griff was there. He was Alix’s permanent guardian. Chelsie was a relative, a welcome guest in their home, but on a night like this, merely a partner who belonged upstairs… or didn’t belong at all. She tiptoed to the bottom of the stairs to assure herself both Griff and Alix were okay, then collected her documents and headed for home. Changes were long overdue, Chelsie knew, and the time had come to make them.
* * *
Chelsie brought her suitcase with her to work on Friday. After an early meeting, she planned on taking a taxi to the airport. The morning was a disaster from the minute she awoke late because she’d forgotten to set her alarm clock for the right time.
She dressed in a hurry, wondering how she would survive the day. The beginning of the week had shown her how difficult life would be if she and Griff continued working together. They barely spoke. When they did, the strain from their personal lives insinuated itself into their partnership. Chelsie continued to depart from her previous routine of going downstairs for dinner. After her initial refusal on Monday, Griff hadn’t asked again. She stopped working late at the office. As a result, her small living room now resembled a cluttered study.
She’d made a special effort to spend time with Alix while Griff was in court or working upstairs, but inevitably, dinnertime came before she’d left for the day. The familiar sounds drifted upstairs, taunting her with what she’d almost had and lost. More than once, she wondered if Griff was right. Did she love what he could give her?
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