by A. J. Markam
Hannah rushed over to the Tiefling, and Alexandra protected me and Tess. Both Warrior and Paladin slashed at the incoming Great Whites and did their best to give us cover.
Sylvie blasted away at one of the Captains with her blunderbuss.
Poor Tess cowered on the sand, doing her best to keep Hannah and Alexandra alive.
And I cast spells for all I was worth – Chain of Darkness, Doomsday, Soul Suck, Darkfire.
Despite everyone’s best efforts, we all got sent for respawn several times – but we immediately popped up at my Gravesite tombstone and leapt back into battle.
Three minutes later, all the Captain Quatises were dead. Their orange limbs withered away to a third their normal size, and the giant clams opened back up to reveal their wilted corpses.
As soon as the last boss expired, the sharks broke off, darted back up into the waters overhead, and resumed their languid swimming.
“…is it over?” Tess asked hesitantly.
Golden words appeared in the water before us:
You have completed the Dungeon of the Great Abyss!
50,000 XP
“It’s over!” Sylvie the Tiefling yelled, and the rest of us whooped with joy.
The sand in front of us began to shift, like something was rising up out of the ocean floor.
We all crouched down, hands and weapons out, ready for one last enemy –
But what appeared instead was a giant wooden treasure chest, sand sifting off it in tiny yellow avalanches.
The lid creeeaaaaked open, and a golden glow shone from within.
“Holy SHIT,” Hannah whispered as she pulled out a golden battle-ax and a pair of steel boots.
The rest of us got quite the haul, as well.
Alexandra scored spiked pauldrons (which thankfully did nothing to cover up her chest) and a new jewel-encrusted sword.
Sylvie pulled out a silver rifle etched with intricate patterns and a trinket that expanded her range of attack by 20%.
Tess the elf received a golden staff with a golf-ball-sized pearl at the top, and a belt inlaid with sapphires.
I got some pretty awesome shit, too.
Eel-Skin Gloves
+10 Armor
+5 Intellect
Staff of the Abyss
+60 Intellect
+40 Stamina
+20 Haste
Talisman of the Sea Goddess
+5% Health
I was going to face a tough choice when it came to the staff. My current Wand of the Dead had less Intellect (+50) and Stamina (+30), but it had +15 Critical Strike versus the staff’s +20 Haste. The question was, was it better to cast my spells marginally faster, or to have a slightly better chance of casting a critical hit every five or six attacks?
I would figure it out later. The one thing that was a no-brainer was the Talisman of the Sea Goddess, a trinket that increased my overall Health by 5%. I already had the Galatan Trinket of Speed, which let me, Alaria, and Stig swim much faster underwater, but my other trinket gave me only +7 Critical Strike. MUCH better to get hundreds of extra Health.
With all this extra armor and the Chain of Darkness spell, I figured I might just be ready to face down Zali.
With the danger over and the flush of victory upon us, the LGBTQuesters and I forgot all our past squabbles. No matter how irritated we might have been with each other before, all was forgiven.
Especially now that they were kissing Alaria goodbye.
With tongue.
I watched in amusement as they made out with my succubus, one by one.
At least Tess the elf did the same with me.
“Thanks for everything,” she giggled into my ear.
“You, too,” I grinned.
“Mind if we add you to our Friends List?” Sylvie the Tiefling asked me.
“Sure,” I agreed, and did the same with them.
“Good job, Offensive Man,” Alexandra the Warrior said with a swat on my shoulder.
“You too, Overly Sensitive Lesbian,” I said.
The entire group froze and stared at me.
“…too soon?” I asked.
“Aaaah, we’ll led that one slide,” Hannah the dwarf said, and everybody relaxed.
If she was willing to let it go, it appeared the rest of them were, too.
“C’mere, you dorky breeder.” Hannah crushed me with a power hug, then slapped me on the back playfully. “I’ll fuck your girlfriend any day, just not you.”
“And I’ll fuck your hot friends any day, but DEFINITELY not you.”
She laughed. “It’s a deal.”
Tess gave me googly eyes and said, “Speaking of which… you up for a repeat?”
All the other lesbians looked lustfully over at Alaria.
Stig just shook his head in disgust. “Ugh.”
I took pity on my imp.
Well, that and the dungeon had gotten my adrenaline going. I was spoiling for another fight.
“Maybe later, if you guys are still in the area,” I said. “But right now, I need to go kill a fish.”
The lesbians all gave me some side-eye.
“That’s not some kind of fucked-up euphemism, is it?” Sylvie the Tiefling asked.
“No, it’s her evil ex-master,” I said, nodding at Alaria. “He’s a walking, talking hatchetfish.”
“Good thing it’s not a clam, or I’d be offended,” Alexandra joked.
I gestured out at the hundreds of giant shellfish surrounding us. “Have at it – it’s a lesbian all-you-can-eat buffet.”
“At least they’re not bearded,” Hannah whooped.
A few more bad jokes were exchanged, and then Tess asked the magic question.
“Guys, how do we get out of here?”
We turned back to the ramp we had come down –
But the sharks had taken it over as part of their territory. Hundreds of them patrolled its angled slope – not to mention there were all sorts of gaps and rockslides to contend with.
Nope, we weren’t going back that way.
“I think over there,” Alaria said, pointing to the opposite canyon wall.
Sure enough, there was another ramp, unbroken and not infested with sharks. But even if there were no monsters to contend with, it was still a slog of a couple miles back up to the top.
“Great,” I muttered.
“Maybe we could take a little break before we go after Zali,” Alaria suggested.
“I don’t know.”
“Hmmmm, such a difficult decision,” Alaria said, playing at being in deep thought. She held out one palm. “On one hand, a long hike up to the top…”
Then she held out her other palm.
“…and on the other hand, multiple orgasms.”
“MULTIPLE ORGASMS!” all of the lesbians cried out at once.
“But you have to fuck Ian again,” Alaria told them.
“Okay!” Tess said happily.
“…alright,” Alexandra and Sylvie said with a shrug.
“Your enthusiasm is overwhelming,” I joked.
“Unh-unh,” Hannah said, shaking her head. “Not me.”
“Don’t worry – you and me, we’re good,” I told her. “We don’t even have to make eye contact.”
“Fine by me.”
I turned and addressed the entire group. “Alright, I guess we can stay a little while longer.”
“YAAAAAY!” all the women yelled.
Stig did not share their eagerness. At all.
“Ah, fuck me,” he grumbled.
Ha – he’d picked up what the Warrior had said about the sharks!
“That’s what she said,” I told him, which only earned me a vicious scowl. I turned back to the lesbians. “Hey, has anybody got some booze?”
“I have some,” Hannah said as she pulled out a bottle of rum from her bag.
“Mind if I buy it off you?” I asked. “It’s for Stig.”
“Consider it a gift,” she said as she handed it to my imp.
“Thank you
, sir!” Stig said happily.
I stifled a laugh at the look on Hannah’s face.
“Hannah’s a woman, Stig,” I corrected him.
“Oh,” he said, confused. “Uh, thanks, lady.”
“Nobody’s ever called me that before,” Hannah said, amused. “And hopefully never will again.”
“Alright – break out the love shack, baby!” the Tiefling whooped, and I pulled the dungeon core out of my bag.
What followed was the best ending to any dungeon crawl, ever.
24
After another two-hour orgy, we tromped up the ledge to the top of the canyon, where a stone bridge magically appeared over the abyss. We said our goodbyes, and then Alaria, Stig, and I set off again for Zali’s villa.
After 30 minutes of swimming, we reached the nymphs fighting the Naga.
Past them were the protestors, who were all yelling at the guards on the other side of the city gates.
We hung back about a hundred feet and hid behind some coral. I selected a few of the protestors and discovered, yeah, they were definitely leveling up. I spotted some 6’s and 7’s mixed in amongst the 3’s and 4’s.
I could have probably waded in and committed another mass slaughter, but there were enough of them that it might be a toss-up. Plus, a prolonged fight would sap a good deal of my Health, and I wanted to be in top-notch shape when I went in to challenge Zali.
As I was thinking how to get past them without having to fight our way to the gates, Stig burped – which gave me an idea.
“Stig, I want you to try something for me…”
After I explained my plan, Stig left the protection of our coral reef and waddled over to the protestors. Since they were all yelling at the city gates, they didn’t see him until he tugged on the hem of one of their robes. Then a few crouched down low to talk to them.
Stig gesticulated and pointed towards the giant wall surrounding the city.
The protestors shouted at their compatriots, and the entire crowd raced along the perimeter of the wall, out of sight.
Once they were gone, Alaria and I walked over to Stig.
“Good job, Stig,” I said.
“Thanks, boss.”
All Stig had done was tell them that Alaria and I were having sex over on the opposite side of the city wall. Of course, as good little prigs, they had to go protest it. By the time they figured out they’d been duped, we would be inside the city.
The Naga guards opened the gates for us, and we walked through the streets until we reached Zali’s villa.
I knocked on the bronze doors. When no one answered, I tried the handle and found out they were unlocked, at which point we entered the house and walked out back into the sculpture garden.
The number of ‘statues’ seemed to have grown in our short absence. I saw poses I hadn’t seen before, including a row of contortionist acts where a whole row of incubi and succubi were bent over, their open mouths just millimeters away from pleasuring themselves.
The guys didn’t have to bend over very far. But the women? They looked like human Slinkys, they were doubled over so far.
I was pretty sure I would have remembered that if it had been here last time.
We found Zali in the back of the garden, wearing an iridescent red suit with a cream-colored ascot.
He was arranging two whitewashed succubi. One was on all fours with a bridle in her mouth, a saddle on her back, and a horsetail butt plug in her ass. The rider wore a cowboy hat and was naked except for some assless chaps. She was also positioned midair like she was being bucked off her ‘horse,’ with her naughty parts just a centimeter away from the dildo-shaped pommel on the saddle.
Good God.
Zali turned around to see us and erupted into ecstatic hand-waving.
“My freends, you are back to keel me! Oh, I have meessed you so! Your veesit, eet inspired me to create more art! You see? Thees is the ree-sult of all that you have geeven me!” he said, flourishing his hands at the Western-inspired furry installation.
“Uh… great,” I said, not sure whether I was turned on or repulsed.
Probably a little of both simultaneously.
At least it was two succubi and not incubi. That would have given a whole new meaning to ‘hung like a horse.’
“Deed you enjoy the dungeon?” Zali asked.
“OH yes,” Alaria sighed happily before I could answer.
“I don’t think you enjoyed the dungeon,” I said, “so much as you enjoyed what came before and after it.”
“Especially the coming before and after,” she smirked.
“I see,” Zali said, confused and not ‘seeing’ at all. “Well, I am sure you have increeesed your power, no? Let us go into a less crowded area of the garden, for I am sure you are eee-ger to keel me.”
We reached an empty area of the garden, and I turned to face Zali.
“Alright, are you ready?” I called out.
“I am! Let us be-geen!”
I immediately summoned my lasso of tiny demons, which wrapped themselves around Zali.
“Oh-ho!” he cried out. “Chain of Darkness! Con-grah-tyu-lah-see-ons, you have truly ee-volved!”
As I continued to attack, I relished watching his hit points diminish second by second.
-700
-693
-686
-679
Wait a second…
Based on the damage I’d done to him in all our previous duels, his 1% deductions seemed higher than they should be. After all, he was only a Level 40.
I selected him and looked at his stats.
Zali – Warlock
Level 45
Health: 66,569 out of 70,000
“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I screamed.
He’d been at Level 40 just a couple of hours before!
I mean, I’d only climbed one Level, and I’d had to go through a whole dungeon to do it!
“Ah, I see that you finally comprehend the great gift you have gee-ven me!” Zali shouted gleefully as my Chain of Darkness ran out. “Your in-spee-rah-see-un, it has meant so much to me!”
Fuck the inspiration –
HOW DID HE DO IT?!
I looked around wildly – and immediately saw new ‘sculptures’ everywhere.
A succubus posed in a giant marble mouth, as though the teeth were about to grind her up.
An incubus about to be buggered by a giant marble squirrel. (Yes, a giant marble squirrel.)
Another succubus spread out on a torture rack with clothes pins on her nipples and labia.
That’s when I realized.
The ART!
The little fucker is leveling up with ART!
“Are you getting more powerful the more SCULPTURE you do?!” I bellowed.
“Yes, absolutely!” Zali crowed.
“God DAMN it!” I roared, and blasted the nearest art installation with Soul Suck.
It just happened to be the giant marble squirrel.
“NOOOO!” Zali screamed. “What are you DO-EENG?!”
The marble squirrel split in half – from his head down to his ‘nuts,’ you might say.
Sorry.
A computer window appeared:
The Warlock Zali has lost 0.2% of all his Experience Points!
Zali will drop one Level if he loses another 1.8% of his Total Experience Points.
Ha!
I knew I was on the right track!
“NOOOO!” Zali shrieked, then hit me with a wall of water that slammed me down onto the seafloor.
Zali stomped over and loomed above me, his tiny little hands clenched angrily on his hips in a ridiculous display of pique. “The one theeng you must never do ees mess weeth the ART! I am sorry to be so re-streect-eev, but I must in-seest!”
“FUCK YOU, DUDE!” I yelled, and blasted Soul Suck at the giant marble mouth poised to eat the succubus.
“NOOOOO!” Zali shrieked, and pummeled me with attack after attack.
Just slaughtered me.
Everythin
g went black, and I woke up at the bottom of the Great Abyss… right next to my Gravesite marker.
“Ah, FUCK ME,” I snarled, and started the long trek back up to the top.
Forty minutes later I reached the city. I guess most of the protestors were still looking for me and Alaria out fucking in the wilds, because there were only three outside the gates.
As soon as they saw me, they started chanting,
“You’re… a sinner! You’re, you’re a sinner!
“You’re… a sinner! You’re, you’re a sinner!
“You sin all day and you sin all night!
“You’re goin’ to HELL – oh yes, that’s right!”
What the hell was this, a junior high school football game?
Ugliest fuckin’ cheerleaders ever.
I didn’t want to fight, so I used Invisibility to brush past them. Then I entered the city gates and stomped over to Zali’s villa.
When I got back into the sculpture garden, the hatchetfish had not only repaired the giant squirrel, he’d created a whole pack of squirrels about to bugger five other incubi.
Alaria was sitting on top of the marble teeth and was having a conversation with the succubus gripped in the weird-ass dentures.
“I’m fine with vorarephilia, if Zali would just let the fuckin’ mouth eat me,” the succubus complained. “I mean, that I could get into! As it is, I just hang out up here waiting, and waiting, and WAITING for a bite that never comes!”
“That must be frustrating,” Alaria said sympathetically.
“You have NO IDEA! If you’re going to make me get eaten alive to satisfy your vore fetish, then fuckin’ eat me alive! Am I right or am I right?!”
“So right,” Alaria nodded.
“Where is he?!” I yelled.
“Oh, Ee-an!” Zali said, coming out from behind a marble squirrel. “I am so sorree – I guess you deed not de-acteevate your last Gravesite, no? Perhaps you should cast another one. I weel wait.”
I gritted my teeth at his solicitousness, but deactivated the last tombstone and created another at my feet.
“Good, good,” Zali said soothingly. “I am sorree to be such a martinet, but I must inseest that you not bother the art. Eet ees, after all, an ex-ten-see-on of me – FOR I AM ZALI!”