by Abby Brooks
“Have you thought any more about moving in?” Hudson grins those dimples into existence again.
I tilt my head and pretend to consider. “Yeah, but then I’d lose all my mystery and you’d end up tired of me.” It’s the closest I’ve come to admitting that I don’t want to live with him because I’m afraid he’ll leave me again.
Hudson stares at me and his smile fades. “Can we be serious for a second?” His tone is gentle, but that doesn’t stop my stomach from churning. I don’t want to have this conversation.
“I was being serious.”
“Really, though. Why won’t you move in with me? I love you and I know you love me. I couldn’t be more excited to meet our little bean. Why won’t you let me take care of you?”
“Because you’re only going to end up hurting me again.”
Hudson runs a hand up into his hair. “Shit, Maya. What do I have to do to prove to you that I’m not going anywhere?”
“I don’t know. Trust doesn’t come easily to me.”
He takes a long breath and looks up at the ceiling. “And you gave it to me once and I acted like a fool.”
All this time and we’ve never really spoken about what happened. We just picked up where we left off, ignoring the big scratch across the veneer of our relationship. And I’ve been fine with that. Why rock the boat, you know?
But if he’s rocking it, then why shouldn’t I get some of my questions answered, too?
“Did you really think I got pregnant on purpose? That I faked the way I felt for you?” I sit there with my heart out on the table between us and didn’t even realize how much that question weighed on me until it brushed past my lips.
“At first, I wasn’t thinking. I was scared. My head was filled with the warnings from people I trusted, warnings from people who’ve been used like that.”
“But after that?”
What I’m really asking is whether or not he truly believed that my love for him was fake. Because if he did, even for a minute, then he’s not the man I thought he was. We don’t have the connection I thought we did. And maybe, just maybe, I can’t trust the way I think he feels about me, if I thought my love was so clear and it so clearly wasn’t.
Hudson swallows and runs his hands over his jeans. “When I thought about it, it didn’t make any sense.”
The fact that he’s avoiding a straight answer makes me nervous. “When did you realize that everything I said to you was true? When did you realize that I was, am, and have been, wickedly in love with you?”
“The day I came to your apartment. The moment I saw you again.”
That hurts. What does it mean, that he doubted me all the time we were apart?
“And now?” I ask, looking at my hands.
“And now I know that I love you more with each passing day and that you love me and I want to build a life for you and the baby.” He smiles, but there’s a sadness in his eyes, like he can see the hesitation in my heart.
“But what does that mean?”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I want to take them back. It sounds like I’m angling for an engagement ring which couldn’t be further from the truth. I can’t even bring myself to move in with Hudson. Marriage is the last thing on my mind.
“It means you and me and our little bean under the same roof living the same life. It means me taking care of you and you taking care of me and us taking care of our baby together.”
I want that. I really do. When I think about the picture he paints, my heart surges with happiness but this jolt of fear rises up and swallows it whole. I took a chance on Hudson and it bit me in the ass. I’d be a damn fool to put myself in that situation again.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I’m an all or nothing kind of guy. A couple weeks ago, I bought Maya an engagement ring. It’s been in my pocket every day since. All I need is for her to agree to move in with me and I’ll be down on my knee, telling her that I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with her, raising our little bean, making more little beans.
But I need to know that she trusts me before I do it. I need all of her. I want to be patient, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait. She shows absolutely zero signs of budging. What else does she want from me?
If she looks tired, I sit her down and wait on her hand and foot.
If she looks hungry, I learn how to cook a meal and make it for her.
If she mentions wanting something for the baby, I run out and buy at least two different versions.
I don’t know how I can make things more evident that I’m here for her. That I’m not going anywhere. That no matter what else life throws our way, I’m going to stay by her side. Weather the storm. Through good times and bad and all the shenanigans that goes with that.
I get it, when shit got hard, I ran away. I threw a whole lot of blame her way and ignored her when she needed me the most. That was super shitty of me. I’ve admitted it. I’ve owned it. I’ve apologized.
How long before she forgives me? How long before I stop trying?
That’s an easy one to answer. Never. I won’t stop trying. Quitting isn’t in the Hudson Knox vocabulary. Not even a little bit. That’s how I got to where I am and how I’ll get to where I’m going.
But fuck, am I ever getting impatient.
I’m also feeling more than a little curious about what today will bring. Coach called me in for a meeting which is very weird. Training camp doesn’t start until July, so I can’t imagine what he wants to talk to me about. Nerves and excitement clench my hands into fists as I walk up to his office. I shove them into my pockets to keep them still. The last thing I want is anyone seeing me nervous.
My hand settles on Maya’s ring. I slip it onto the tip of my pinky finger and smile at the thought of finally seeing it on her hand. When I arrive at Coach’s office, I tuck the ring safely into the bottom of my pocket and knock.
“Come on in,” he says and I push through the door, closing it behind me before taking a seat. He smiles broadly and I know in a heartbeat that I’m not going to like what he has to say.
Twenty minutes later, I leave. Stunned. Scared. Thrilled. Confused.
In the space of one network television show, my entire life has changed. I should be over the moon excited right now, but I’m not. Not even a little.
I’ve been traded to the Seattle Seahawks, along with two other guys, in exchange for a first round draft pick. The mother fucking Seahawks. They’re Super Bowl contenders for sure. They’re my dream team. And Coach said he picked me because he knew it would be good for me. Get me the exposure I need.
But Seattle is all the way across the country. And Maya lives here in Ohio. I clutch the ring in my pocket, completely unsure as to how I’m going to bring this up to her. If she won’t move in with me here, how can I even begin to hope that she would move across the country with me?
Leave her family.
Leave her job.
Leave everything she’s built here.
All for a guy she can’t bring herself to trust again.
I climb into my car and bring the engine to life, still too stunned to process what’s happened. Seattle. It’s the bigger city I’ve been dreaming about. The bigger team. The chance of a lifetime.
I should be screaming into my phone right now, calling everyone I know to tell them what happened. Instead, I just sit here in my car in the parking lot. Last year, this trade would be everything I ever wanted. But now? With Maya and our little bean here in Ohio?
I’m not sure what I want more.
Which is it, Knox? Fame or family?
I laugh and shake my head. It’s not like I have a choice. The trade is official. I’m going to Seattle, no doubt about it.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Hudson has been acting weird for the last couple days. A little detached. A little distracted. He hasn’t asked me to move in with him even once, and while I thought I was super ready for him to stop asking, now that he has, I’m nervous. Has he given up
on me?
I deserve it if he has. But I was just starting to think he was being honest when he said he wanted me forever. That I was wrong for mistrusting him. I was just starting to believe I could forgive him and let him into my heart and give in to the idea of him and me and our little bean becoming an honest to goodness family.
I want to pretend that I’m not devastated by the change in him, but I am. Hope is a useless thing because life always ends up letting you down. I’ve lived long enough to know this. I know better than to let my wishes and dreams get in the way of cold hard reality. The truth of it is that people are in this for themselves. Love fades. Relationships are hard.
Silly me, getting caught up in the fairy tale of a happily ever after.
I’m meeting him for dinner tonight and his invitation was so stilted and formal, I’m totally prepared for him to break up with me. At least he’s not doing it over text. And he’s probably not going to accuse me of being a whore again, but it is going to open up a lot of uncomfortable questions.
What about child support?
Will he want to see the baby?
What about all the stuff he bought? Will he want it back?
And then most importantly:
How will I survive without him?
At first glance, the answer is easy. I’ll survive the way I always have. Just put my head down and get through my days. Eat. Sleep. Breathe. That’s really all there is to it.
Except not really.
I love Hudson with all of my heart. Even the part I thought I kept separate from him since we got back together. I was fooling myself when I said I didn’t trust him completely. He is my everything. The reason I smile. The reason I laugh. He’s the reason I eat, sleep, and breathe. Sure, I can go on without him, but what kind of life will that be? Gray and colorless and lonely and cold. That’s what I have to look forward to.
Of course, I could be wrong. I just don’t think I am.
I trudge up the sidewalk to his apartment building. Leaves are budding on the trees and birds sing to each other, flitting from their nests in the branches down to the ground and back again. A warm breeze ruffles my hair and I draw my hands over my ever-growing belly.
A tiny thump stops me in my tracks. I feel it on my hand and inside, just this itty bitty fluttering movement. My little bean. My mouth drops open and I stay still, hoping for another sign of the little one growing inside me. That was the strangest, coolest thing I’ve ever felt in my life.
I can’t wait to tell Hudson.
Or not.
His name just makes me want to cry. Hopefully, he’ll talk to me about whatever’s on his mind tonight so I can stop worrying. Or maybe I won’t wait for him to talk to me. Maybe I’ll grow a backbone and ask him what’s up.
I spend the elevator ride still and silent, almost holding my breath in the hopes that I’ll get another chance to feel my bean. At least if Hudson leaves me, I’ll still have this little person to love. Maybe that’s the only kind of love that matters anyway. The love of a parent and child.
Of course, even that kind of love gets tainted. Just look at the way I feel about my mom and dad. I love them, but that’s mostly because I have to. I’m not sure I like them very much.
Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty dejected when the elevator door slides open. Steeling myself against the inevitable disappointment this night will bring me, I wander down the hallway, in no hurry to get to Hudson’s door. I pause and gather myself before sliding the key he gave me last month into the lock and letting myself in.
I can do this. I don’t need anyone but myself. Everything’s going to be okay.
And then I push through the door and freeze, momentarily confused.
The warm glow of candlelight fills the apartment, flames flickering away on the wicks of what looks like over a hundred candles. Rose petals speckle the floor, the table, the couches and bowls of Swedish Fish and Jelly Bellies—my favorite candies—cover the dinner table.
Hudson leans on the wall near the kitchen, his hands shoved in his pockets. “Hey, doll face.”
I close the door behind me. “What’s going on?”
Here I am preparing for him to break up with me and I walk in to find this. If this is how the man breaks up with people, he’s got things so ass backwards I don’t know what to do.
“I had a meeting with Coach the other day.” He looks down at the floor.
“Okay…”
“They traded me to the Seahawks.” Hudson meets my eyes and I can’t read him. Not at all.
“What’s that mean?”
“The Seahawks are in Seattle. I’d have to go.”
I wait for the smile to light up his face. Wait for the punchline. I mean, I was expecting a break up, but the roses and candles threw me. But now it seems like we’re heading right back to having to break up again because how can he live in Seattle and I live in Ohio and have any of this work out?
I grab the edge of the table because the room has gotten a little wobbly. “When?”
“Soon.”
And with that, I have to sit down. I stumble towards the dinner table and plop into a chair, staring at the bowls of candy.
“I’m going to turn it down.” Hudson’s eyes blaze into mine.
“Can you do that?”
“Not really. Not and keep my job. But I’m going to quit.”
“Quit?”
“I can’t live in Seattle while you and our bean are here in Ohio.” Hudson shakes his head. “I won’t. My place is with you.”
“Hudson…”
I want to tell him that he can’t sacrifice his career for me like that, that he can’t give up on his dream because of me, but he silences me by stepping forward and then getting down on one knee. He pulls his hand out of his pocket, a diamond ring pinched between his thumb and forefinger, glittering in the light.
“I’ve had this with me every day for weeks now. It’s been in my pocket, just waiting for you to agree to move in with me. The moment you said yes, I’d be down on my knees just like this. But that wasn’t fair of me. You weren’t the one who needed to prove yourself. That was me. I’m the one who fucked up. So this is me proving myself. I want you more than anything. I will lay down my dreams for you, because it turns out you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. I can’t face a life without you in it. No matter how good that life is.”
And wouldn’t you know it, right at that moment, Bean starts moving again. My eyes light up. “Hudson!” I grab his hand and put it on my stomach.
“What is that?” Tears form in his eyes. “Is that our Bean? Is he moving?”
I nod and he leans in. Kisses my stomach and whispers promises to our baby. My chin quivers and my eyes burn. There’s nothing more beautiful than this massive man with his tattoos winding their way up his muscled arms, crouching in front of me, brought to tears by his unborn child. Hudson turns his gaze up to me.
“Don’t leave me,” he says. “Marry me and let me see you and Bean every day. Be my wife, my everything. My dream come true.”
I swipe at my tears and catch my breath. “I can’t.”
And Hudson’s face crumbles.
“I love you. So much. But I can’t let you give up your dream because of me. I just can’t. I love you too much to let you throw everything away.” And my heart breaks and tears fall and why is all of this so hard?
“Then come with me.” Hudson takes my hands in his, the ring pressing against my skin. “You hate your job. You can find another one in Seattle. Or not. Just stay home with Bean and all the other little beans we make and come to all my games, welcome me home with a beer and back rub while I ruin dinner in the kitchen.”
The word no races to the tip of my tongue. Give up my job? After a decade of working my ass off? And then, the double whammy of disappointing my parents and moving all the way across the country? How can I even begin to think that’s a good idea?
Except I can’t make myself say no. Because every ounce of my soul is screaming yes. Thi
s is what I want. A life with him that is for us and us alone. A life where Hudson can live his dream and I can soften into motherhood.
Hudson holds out the ring again. “Marry me, Maya?”
I nod and Bean kicks again, adding his consent.
“You will?” Hudson beams, dimples dancing.
“Yes. You’re everything, Hudson Knox. I’d be a fool to turn down a chance to live the dream with you.”
“Obviously,” he says as he slides the ring on my finger. “Who could turn down this body?”
I shake my head. “So are you gonna kiss me or what?”
Hudson stands and pulls me out of the chair into his arms. “Every day for the rest of my life, doll face. Every day.”
26
Epilogue
“Look, Bean. Daddy’s on TV.” I juggle my squirming baby in my arms and point to Hudson as he makes one hell of a catch in the end zone. Payton—our little bean—babbles and gurgles and laughs, transfixed by the image of his father. We haven’t tried to make it to an actual game yet, not with the baby still being so young.
But next year we’ll be there for every single one.
Life in Seattle is everything. I didn’t know this kind of joy existed. My days are simple. I take care of Bean. I clean the house. I cook dinner. It’s exactly the life I was taught to dread. A feminist’s hell. But it works for me. I greet Hudson by the door and he swoops up our baby and me in a massive hug and we spend the rest of the night talking and laughing.
Do I miss Ohio? Not at all.
My job? Not even a little.
My family? Yeah. I actually do.
But I Skype with my sisters and that’s good. And I get frequent texts from my parents requesting pictures of Payton and that’s good, too. And they’ll be coming out for the wedding here in a few months and that’s freaking awesome. I can’t wait to show off the life Hudson and I have built here.
Hell, I can’t wait to keep building it. He’s ready to start trying for another child because he wants an army of Knox’s to unleash on the sports world in another eighteen or so years. I’ve made him promise to wait until after the wedding because I don’t want to worry about fitting into my dress or whether or not my champagne is actually sparkling cider.