by Layne Harper
Colin is standing behind me but not close enough to touch me. He has a look of horror on his face. “I did this to you, didn’t I?”
I want to reassure him that I’m okay, and my panic attack wasn’t caused by me being forced to choose between my father/career and Colin. But I can’t. Colin needs to understand just how traumatic this is for me. When we were together before, I sugar coated my emotions so I could be perfect for him. I hid my feeling from him. I will not live like that again.
I look at myself in the mirror. Haggard would be a polite way to describe my appearance. My face is ghost white and tear streaked from my panic attack. My eyes are hollow. My caramel colored hair is a tangled mess. I begin to shake. I know that it’s because I’m coming down from the adrenaline high, but it’s also because my sweat soaked skin is now making me chilled.
I ignore Colin’s question because we both know it’s rhetorical. I walk into my closet and grab my thickest and softest bathrobe. Just wrapping it around me helps to soothe my raw nerves and makes me feel safer.
When I walk out of my closet, Colin is leaning against the sink counter. “When is the last time that you had a full blown panic attack?” His voice is soft but demanding.
“The day after I heard that you were getting married,” I reply as even toned as possible.
I watch his eyes crease and his beautiful face fall. He begins walking towards me, but I put out my hand to stop him. “We need to talk.”
He drops his head and replies in a defeated voice, “I know.” I hate defeated Colin.
I have no idea what time it is, but it’s still very dark outside so I can only assume that it’s sometime after two o’clock in the morning. I don’t want to do this in my master bathroom, but it almost seems appropriate. The last time Colin and I had this deep of a conversation was in his master bathroom in the fortress in the sky.
In his same defeated voice with his head hung, he asks barely above a whisper, “Are you leaving me, Charlie?”
I’m as honest as I can be with him even though it’s breaking my heart. “I’m not sure.” I whisper. “I was hoping that we could spend the next year getting to know each other again and take our relationship slowly, but as always with us, we can’t seem to find the slow lane. It’s either warp speed or nothing.”
“Can I hold you while we talk?” He asks so quietly that it breaks my heart. I briefly wonder if anyone else has seen Colin like this. The boy always seems to have his swagger in public and on the football field. Do Mark and Aiden know how vulnerable he can be? Does his assistant Jenny see him like this? More questions that I don’t have the answers to.
I nod my head yes, and I’m beyond relieved when he takes my hand and leads me back to the bed that he thinks is too small for us yet we only manage to sleep holding each other. He turns on the bedside table lamp and dims it so we have just enough light to see each other.
I slip my robe off now that my heart rate has returned to normal. I’m no longer trembling. Colin leans against the headboard and pulls me in between his long sculpted thighs. I lay back against his chest, and his long arms wrap around me. We’re beautifully naked tangled with each other.
I’m thankful that I don’t have to see his face for this. I love him so much that just knowing that the defeated look is in his eyes is making this so much harder for me.
I begin. “You and your public relations team proposed the idea of us going on national television and talking about our relationship. This means that you’ll also have to answer personal questions about Sasha’s article, and well, frankly, things that I probably don’t even know about. I’m not comfortable with asking you to do that Colin. Plus, I don’t feel like we have a secure enough future to put our relationship out there like that.” There! I said it.
He tightens his long arms around me. “You know me, Charlie. I’m still Colin. The one who would walk through hell for you. The one who loves you and never stopped loving you. God dammit, Charlie! I’m willing to put myself out there and finally give the media the profile piece that they want. What else do you need to know?” He no longer sounds defeated, but I wish there was more passion in his voice. What I sense more is anger that I’d even suggest that our future isn’t predetermined.
I place my hand on his thigh and begin to gently stroke it. I need him to stay calm for me. “Yes. I know all of that. However, I don’t know about what happened after we broke up. I need details, Colin. I need to know what you’re exposing to the world. I don’t want to be blindsided, and I don’t want you to be hurt.” Then, without revealing Mark’s name, “I’ve heard that you almost died. I need to know the truth Colin. I need to know about your near death experience and about your first marriage.”
I pause for a beat and follow up with, “Allison Katz is going to ask you about your first marriage. You know that, right?”
He pushes me forward just enough to crawl out from behind me. I watch him begin his godforsaken pacing in front of my bed. He runs his fingers repeatedly through his hair. I lean back against the headboard and watch him. I cannot comfort him. If he wants me like he says he does, he’s going to have to give me the answers that I need. I need to know exactly what I’m asking Colin to do for me.
Colin stops pacing and turns towards me. “What happens if I refuse to share that with you?”
His face is so anguished that I almost break. But, I don’t. This is self-preservation. At this point, it will kill me to walk away, but I think that I can still survive. If I give up my medical practice, my relationship with my father and lose Colin in the end, I will not pull through. I know that I cannot recover from that.
“Then I walk away and refuse to ever have contact with you again,” I reply evenly.
He screams at me, “Why.Does.It.Fucking.Matter!” The veins in his neck are bulging as he shouts at me, and his olive complexion is red. Then, he leans down so we’re green eyes to lavender. In a whispered voice he says again, this time more of a question than a statement, “Why does it fucking matter? If I’m willing to put myself out there then why does it fucking matter about my first marriage and what happened after we broke up?”
He sits down on my reupholstered red, crushed velvet chair where we made love for the first time so many years ago. There’s enough light from the street lamps streaming through my blinds to cast Colin in soft light. He looks like a tragic hero from the black and white movie days. God, I love him. I mentally compel him to give me what I need. To open up to me.
I stay very calm and attempt to explain it to him in terms that he will understand. “Put yourself in my shoes. Imagine that you suddenly found out that you were going to be the starting quarterback for Houston instead of Dallas.”
He spits, “I would be fucking ecstatic because I’d be with you.”
I ignore him and continue. “You’d have to sell your home. Say goodbye to all of your teammates that have become your friends. Your family. You now have to get used to a new city, coaches, players, football play book, operations, fans, and stadium. You’d no longer have a true home field advantage because the new place wouldn’t really be your home. Then, you find out that you were tricked into coming to Houston. Instead of being the starting quarterback, you’re now the punter. It’s not a position that you’re comfortable with. Yes. You’re still technically playing football, but it’s a different position. Then, you’re forced to do press interviews and talk about how great it is to now be the punter. Your situation gets worse though because now you’re competing with others for the punter position. It’s not the position that you want to play, but at least it’s still football. What happens to you if someone takes the punter position away from you? You are now left in a strange city. No job. No friends. And your passion, your dream has been taken away from you.”
I see him begin to get it. I pray that he truly does because I can’t explain how I’m feeling any better. “Colin, that’s what you’re asking me to do. You’re asking me to change cities and jobs. I’m very willing to consider mo
ving to Dallas and starting my career over for you. I’ll move positions from quarterback to punter. However, I have to know all the facts before I can make that choice. I have to know that I am not competing against anyone or anything else for you. I have to know that exposing our relationship to the world is the right move for both of us, and you aren’t going to resent me for it.”
“I’ll marry you right now if that’s what you want. If that’s the reassurance that you need, we can be on a plane to Vegas in a couple of hours,” he tells me. I’ve heard this before. He said it repeatedly when we were together for round one. His proposals are hollow.
My poor Colin doesn’t get it. “I’m not saying this to be mean or hurtful, but your track record with marriage doesn’t give me the reassurance that I need. You professed to love me and everyday asked me to marry you, and then you turned around a married someone that you didn’t love or care about. At this point, I see marriage as a manipulation tool and nothing more. If you want to give me the reassurance that I need, then I need to know what happened after we broke up that was so bad that you quit doing interviews about anything but football.”
I’ve wounded him… deeply. I wish to God that my words didn’t hurt him so much, but I can’t and I will not take them back. I can’t give up everything for someone who will not let me in.
He’s furious. Colin McKinney doesn’t do ugly truths or harsh realities well. He also doesn’t appreciate having his past thrown in his face any more than my father does. He’s more like my father than I ever realized. He jumps to his feet. “What about you, Caroline? You aren’t innocent. You didn’t sit around fucking your BOB for the last eight years,” he spits at me.
“You’re right Colin. I’ve told you everything that there is to know. I dated someone for a couple of years. I didn’t feel about him the way that I should have. He cheated on me and I gladly let him walk out on me,” I state.
He’s furious and pure anger glistens in his green eyes. “Letting guys leave you, Caroline, seems to be your specialty.”
If he’d slapped me across the face with all of his strength, it would have hurt less. I actually flinch from his words. I sit there stunned for a moment. His reaction tells me that he’s just as stunned as me that he said it.
He immediately begins to apologize, but his words ring hollow. “I think it would be best if we cooled off before we finished this conversation,” I mutter.
Then, I add, “However, if you don’t plan on telling me what happened after we broke up and about the marriage then you can pack your stuff and leave. I’m going to go for a run to calm down. Because I don’t want to take security with me, I’m going to the office to run on a treadmill. I’ll give you a couple of hours to think about what you want.”
With that, I go into my closet and put on my running gear. When I walk back into my bedroom Colin’s sitting on the formerly red velvet chair. We don’t acknowledge each other as I leave, and he doesn’t stop me.
I brush the security off when I walk outside. It’s 3:45 in the morning. I want to be alone and drive my own car. I need just an ounce of normalcy in my life. Alone and driving are going to have to be it.
I’m so relieved when I slide my key card into the elevator at my office building and my key still works. Brief panic filled stomach that my dad may have had security lock me out of the practice.
I set the treadmill on a break neck pace and begin to run. It dawns on me that I haven’t cried. Not a tear. Is it that I’m all cried out from yesterday? Possibly. After a couple of miles, I realize that I’m truly at peace with my decision. Colin can offer me marriage proposals until he’s blue in the face. Those come easily for him. What I need is his honesty. I need him to open up to me in every aspect of his life. He needs to tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly. I cannot let him open himself up to the media without knowing what I’m agreeing to.
My thoughts travel back to the party in college. It’s one example of Colin leading me into a situation that I wasn’t prepared for. Everyone knew me, and I knew no one. He compartmentalized his life. He didn’t share with me stories or talk about those people with me. He did the same thing to Sasha. I noticed at the dinner table during the Clay South event how blindsided Sasha was when someone mentioned Colin not playing golf. He hadn’t told her that he canceled because “something came up.”
If I’m being honest with myself, I can go all the way back to how our relationship began. Colin didn’t communicate that he liked me or that he wanted to date me. I spent six months wondering how he felt about me. I can’t just have hearts and flowers with Colin. I need to be his partner. I need to be trusted with his secrets.
I realize at about mile eight that what I’m asking Colin to do goes against every fiber in his body. However, what he’s asking of me goes against everything that I’ve known as my truths. By agreeing to a public relationship with Colin, I’m forgoing my chance at the starting quarterback position forever. Even after Colin retires from football, he’ll still be affiliated with Dallas. I might repair my reputation enough that professional athletes will seek me out, but I’ll never treat professional football players again.
I also realize that I’m okay with making that sacrifice if I get all of Colin in return.
After I’ve completed thirteen miles, I turn the treadmill down to a walking pace. My legs are aching, but I feel so much better mentally. I walk another mile before I turn off the treadmill and collect my belongings.
I head into my office and turn on my computer. I lean forward in my desk chair and type “Colin McKinney” into the Google search bar. I take a sip of water and wait for the results to pop up on my screen.
The first Web site that I click on is Wikipedia. Colin McKinney’s career is highlighted in detail starting with his high school football statistics. His career at Texas A&M is also featured year by year. When, I get to his professional career, I start skimming. There are multiple paragraphs on each year that he’s played professional ball. Then, I see what I’m looking for. It’s the “Personal Life” section. Our relationship actually has two sentences. They read, “McKinney was publically linked with Charlie Collins. The media dubbed their relationship CharCol.” Next, are three sentences about his first marriage to Rebound Chick. There’s literally no more information other than the date that they married and when their divorce was finalized.
However, there are three paragraphs detailing Colin’s endorsement deals and the history of all of them.
There’s a section that fascinates me though. It’s Colin’s community involvement. He has a not-for-profit organization that promotes organ donation. I think back to the little boy, Colton, we met in the hospital in College Station. I knew that Colin was touched by his story of needing a heart transplant. I thought the kid was precious. He gave Colin tips on how to keep me happy. I wonder whatever happened to Colton. Wikipedia says that he holds an annual golf tournament every year to raise funds and promote the importance of organ donation.
I finish my water before heading home to Colin. I want to know more about him. It frustrates me that Wikipedia knows more about my man than I do. What I keep telling myself is that what’s important is that I know his heart, and his heart is mine.
I take a moment to look around my office before I leave. There’s a good chance that I’m not coming back. I run my hand over my desk and remember my first day that I actually saw real patients that made appointments to seek out my expertise. I spin around in my leather desk chair and look at my credenza. I giggle to myself because there’s nothing in the drawers. All our patient files are digital so I don’t need to put anything in its drawers. My dad insisted that I have it because he said that it made me look more knowledgeable.
I think back to the patients that have sat on my leather couch or in my club chairs. I remember some of my favorite patients that came to me very injured and left healthy again. Then, there are the patients that came to me thinking that they had a sports injury. It turned out to be so much worse, and how I had to
break the news to them they needed an oncologist instead.
God, I love surgery days. I love being in control in the operating room. I love that I’m the one who uses the power tools to put broken bones back together. In the operating room, a nurse places all my tools in the order that I like them. The music that is piped in is my music. No one questions me. It’s my domain, and it’s perfect. The operating room is the only place that I’m in complete control of everything.
I love being a doctor. I’m paid well to do a job that I’d do for free. It’s my passion. Can I really walk away from my practice and patients? Can I leave Brad? Sure, Brad and I can remain friends, but he’s my constant. I see him every morning, Monday through Friday, and sometimes on the weekends. He’s the brother that I never had. He protects me and takes care of me professionally. I sometimes think that Brad knows me better than I know myself.
It’s very hard for me to stand up and walk out of my office not knowing what the future holds. Before I turn off my office light, I take one good look around and try to memorize every little detail about it. As I flip the switch, I whisper goodbye to my dream in case I never get to have it again.
Chapter Sixteen
THERE ARE no reporters in front of my house yet. Apparently, they must show up around six o’clock in the morning. Colin’s car is still there. I hope that means that he’s willing to open up to me. I choose to take it as a good sign as I pull my car into the garage.
I hang my keys on the hook and put my purse where it belongs. When I walk upstairs, I’m shocked by what I see. My heart falls into the pit of my stomach. All of Colin’s things are sitting by the front door.
Somehow I manage to keep it together as I walk into the kitchen to make my first cup of coffee. I vow not to say a word to him. If this is the choice that he’s made then I’m saving myself from even greater heartache down the road. I cannot be with someone who isn’t willing to share all of himself with me. I certainly can’t do a television interview with him and open our souls to be judged by the public. I feel resolved. But mostly, I feel hurt. Colin would rather keep his secrets than me. I thought that he loved me above all else, but he doesn’t. His love his selfish. He wants all of me, but he isn’t willing to give anything of himself. Sure, he might be willing to give up millions in endorsements, but that’s just money. He can make more. He’s not willing to give up himself which is a precious commodity.