Why?
A doll from one of the patients lies on the floor in her room, ripped to shreds. In another room, a chair is absent of all its support, the seat smashed to bits. Rubbish is everywhere. Details of the ransacking litter this place, but the more I see, the more I lose grip on my emotions, which are spinning out of control.
What happened here?
Blinded by my need to find Ashley, I run through the corridors, hoping to find her in her room. Maybe it’s only this floor, not all of them. Maybe not all the patients left, and this is just temporary. I tell myself these lies because I can’t cope with reality. If she really isn’t here … then I have failed to keep my promise. And I might have lost her forever.
Frost claims my heart as I reach her door and gaze through the tiny window.
There’s no one there. No one.
It’s true. They’ve completely abandoned this place. But what happened to all the people inside? What happened to Ashley?
Frustration takes ahold of me. I bang on the door, smashing the window to bits. “Ashley! Goddammit, where are you?”
A shuffling noise is behind me.
Footsteps.
Shit. There’s someone here. My breathing stops and I swallow away the nerves. With sweat drops rolling down my forehead, I slowly reach for the knife in my pocket, making sure I won’t be interrupted or seen before I have a chance to take it out. In a swift move, I have it in my hands and I turn around to face my attacker.
My eyes widen, and I almost drop the knife.
“She isn’t here.”
“Sebastian?” I mutter, shocked that he’s already here. I recalibrate my senses, shaking myself into alertness. “What are you doing here?”
“Checking up on you.”
“I don’t need your help,” I snarl, maybe a bit too bitchy, but I’m so angry that she isn’t here, and he’s the only person I can take it out on.
“Well, you can look around if you want, but you’re not going to find her here.”
“Doesn’t matter, I will find her, one way or another.”
He cocks his head. “One day, you mean. One day could be soon.”
God, he says that so often.
“If you will allow me to help you, that is.”
I shake my head, not able to stop the ‘tsk’ from escaping my mouth. “Yeah, right. Like you would help me break her out.” I shake my head. “I can’t believe I actually thought I could do it. I was prepared to stick a knife into someone. You know this is crazy.”
“I’d do crazy stuff for you, too,” he says, melting that ice-cold barrier I had built around my heart.
“How do you know that she’s not here?” I ask, keeping my focus on my task.
He smashes his lips together, glancing at the floor for a second. “Because they told me so.”
“What?” I gape at him. “You knew she was gone and you didn’t tell me?”
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to get upset.” He takes a step closer.
“Don’t take another step.” I point the knife toward him. “How dare you.”
“Let me explain.”
“You had a chance, and you didn’t take it. You thought I couldn’t handle the truth.”
“Yes, and I realize now that it was a mistake. You’re a strong woman, with an iron will and an unbreakable bond with your friend.” He holds out his hand. “Let’s sit down and talk about this, somewhere else, somewhere safe.”
“No. Not until you tell me what in the hell they did to her! What happened to this place?” I shout, pointing at all the filth, disgusted that I actually spent months in here without realizing that I was a prisoner in my own world. Maybe that’s why I despise Sebastian so much right now. I need someone to hate, and he’s the only one I have near me. The only one who can take the vileness stored inside my heart.
He sighs. “All patients, doctors, nurses, and other staff have been moved to another facility. After they had discovered you escaped, they began the transition. It was around May.”
“What? Which facility? Where?”
My questions are rapid and impatient. A rush of adrenaline fills my veins, making me clench the knife as Sebastian takes another step forward with his hands up as if he means no harm.
“I don’t know.”
I frown, making a face. “How could you not know?”
“They wouldn’t tell me.” He comes even closer, so I raise the knife. “They didn’t trust me anymore.”
“You could’ve told me!”
“You wouldn’t have believed me, even if I did.” He licks his lips. “I should have, though. I was afraid you’d want to leave me, which is selfish of me, and for that, I am sorry. It’s not something I wanted to have happen to Ashley, but when they took her, there was nothing I could do.”
I swallow away the impending tears, the knife in my hand shaking. It feels like I just stabbed it into my own heart.
“Are you telling me they just took her and there’s no way we can find her?”
He sighs again, stepping forward.
“Don’t,” I warn.
“Lillith …” he says, coming into my comfort zone. I could slash him right now. I could. He’s close enough for the blade to cut his flesh.
“Don’t touch me,” I say.
“I know you’re not going to hurt me,” he says calmly, as if he knows for sure.
How could he know for sure? I don’t even know for sure.
“I have to save her, Sebastian.” I shake my head. “She can’t be gone.”
“I know. I’ll do anything I can to get her out.”
“How?” My eyes prickle, but I blink away the tears.
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll do it. Anything. I’ll go after them and dig deep into their archives. I’ll sneak around, do some searching.”
“That’s dangerous,” I mutter as he stands right in front of me, the edge of the knife pushing into his chest.
“I’ll be careful. I’m going to do my best, and I won’t stop until I find out where she is. You have my word.”
He lifts his hand to the knife, placing it over my hand.
The knife clatters down onto the floor.
His other hand drifts to my cheek. Once I feel his caress, I close my eyes and let him take me into his arms. He knew all along that I couldn’t do it … How could he know me so well?
With both hands, he cups my cheeks and looks me deep in the eyes before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his embrace. His chest is warm and soothing in this cold, harsh building where the truth is laid bare and old wounds are cut open. I hate that in his arms I feel safe.
“I hate you …”
He clears his throat. “I know.”
“I can’t forgive you.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“Then what do you want?” I ask, gazing up into his eyes.
“You.” He cups my chin and lifts my head. “I only want you.”
He places a short kiss on my nose that makes me believe that he truly means it. Even after what I did to him, he’s still gentle and sweet to me, while I was expecting him to be livid. Maybe he really does love me.
“I want you to be happy, and if that means getting your friend out by any means necessary, I will do it. Whatever the cost.” He grabs my hand and places it on his chest. “I live for you. I would die for you.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth.”
I look away. “Stop. I can’t …”
He pushes my chin so I face him again. “Don’t look away. I know you can’t say it, and I know you won’t. It’s okay. You don’t have to. As long as you stay with me, I will work toward a day where you can say I love you, too.”
“After all of this, how? How in the world can I ever be okay with you? With this?” I almost choke on my own breath. “With myself?”
He frowns. “No. Listen to me, Lillith. You have done nothing wrong.”
“I should have gone after her so
oner! I should’ve been here to get her out!” I slap his chest in anger.
“You couldn’t have saved her by yourself. They would’ve overpowered you in no time. There wasn’t even time. From the moment you left the hospital, things were set in motion.”
“I shouldn’t have left …” I’m now punching his chest.
“You chose your freedom, your happiness.”
“I’m fucking selfish!” I yell.
“No. I am. I am the one who is selfish, Lillith. I made you want me. I gave you that key. I am the only one who is responsible here,” he growls.
“If you’re going to punish someone, punish me.” He points at himself. “Punish me instead of yourself, because I will not tolerate you tearing yourself down. I won’t let you do that to yourself.”
He lowers his arms, letting me hit him on purpose. “Hate me, my fairy. Hate me as much as you want. I will take your anger. If it will kill me, so be it. I will take what you have until the very last breath I take.”
With my last bit of strength, I punch him in the gut before taking a deep breath.
“You can hit me all you want.”
“Why do you never leave me alone?” I yell.
“Because I know that you need this.”
I do. He’s right; I do need him. I need him for the pain, to feel again, and to deal with what I feel. But I don’t want to, which makes it all the harder to accept.
“I will never leave you for good. Do you understand?” he says. “I’m here for life, whether you want it or not. You’re stuck with me. Whether I’m gone for thirty minutes or two days. Whether you try to flee or not. I will find you and stick by you until both our ends.”
“That’s insane.”
“Yes, and you know as well as I do that it’s what we need. Both of us.” He takes a deep breath. “So come back with me and we’ll figure this out together.”
I frown, still feeling the rage boiling inside me. “No.”
“You will come with me, Lillith. There is no choice. You’re in danger here. This place is monitored, and from time to time, someone will take a look. We cannot be caught in this city, let alone this facility. We have to get out of here, now.”
“I’ll go on my own then. I’d rather be alone for a while.”
“No, you’re safer with me, so you’ll come with me. Now.”
I stay put, but he grabs my hand and drags me with him.
“Hey!” I growl. “Not this again.”
“If this is what it takes to make you listen, I’ll take you by force.”
“Why would I let you take me? You have nothing but vapid promises.”
“Oh, I will save your friend; you can trust me on that. And if I don’t, you can fucking kill me.”
“What?”
He turns around, his face darkened to the point where I’m baffled just looking at him. “Yeah, I said it. Kill me. Kill me if I don’t make you happy. If I don’t give you what you want. If I don’t bring your friend to safety. Kill me, Lillith. I will hand you the weapon myself.”
“You’re that sure you can do this?”
“Dead sure.” He narrows his eyes. “If someone’s going to thrust a knife into my heart, I will allow only you to do it.”
He’s dead serious, I can tell. His expression is murderous. He will make it happen, and if not, I will go down trying to do the same. I won’t let her rot away in some facility, alone, without retribution. However, I’m haunted by the thought of actually pushing through on this promise of his. One way or another, this is going to end badly. And now I will be the one to pull the trigger.
Accompanying song: “Born to Die” by Lana Del Rey
Albany, New York – June 10th, 2013. Evening.
We move to a different city, always on the run. I brought her clothes and belongings with me when I left the hotel, making sure we leave nothing behind. No trace, no tracks. Nothing. We have to become invisible if we want to escape their grasp. If we want to survive.
She’s restless, staring out of the window while tapping her foot. I feel guilty for not telling her all the things that I knew sooner, but my selfish heart couldn’t bear to lose her again. It’s my fault she was caught up in this mess, but I won’t let her be dragged into it any further. I will keep her away from them, no matter the cost.
And I know the price will be high.
I bring her to a hotel room, this time only one because I don’t want her to be alone anymore. Not now. At this moment in time, she needs someone to channel her rage at. I can tell that she’s still very angry and rightfully so. She’s constantly chewing her lip to the point of making it bleed, making me want to suck the blood drops off her lips. But I must resist, because right now is not the time to kiss her. Her eyes are filled with murderous intent, glazed over from sadness, but fueled by rage. Talking didn’t dissolve any of her emotions, and I don’t expect it to.
There is only one solution to this problem.
And neither of us is going to like it.
But I know it has to happen. For us to rebuild our relationship and learn to love again, we must be on equal terms. I hurt her; I debased her. Now I must allow her to return the favor.
As she stomps into the room, biting her nails, I close the door and lock it. The sound makes her ears perk up, and she turns around to glance at my hand holding the handle before gazing up at my face. Narrowing her eyes, she parts her lips.
“Now what?”
“Now I repent.”
I unbuckle my belt and pull it through the loops.
Her eyes widen, and she sucks in her lip, frowning.
“Are you going to punish me again?” she asks.
Holding the belt, I start unbuttoning my shirt, and her eyes follow the movements of my hands as I take it all off. She licks her lips at the sight of me, as if she wants to put her tongue all over my skin, but that is currently not the impression I want to give her. Any other day, I would not even fucking kiss her until she begged me to, let her plead to run her tongue over my cock, and suck out my hot cum until I’m sated. However, today is not about me. Today is about her.
Today, I will take all the pain she has suffered and bleed until she is happy.
As I throw the shirt on the floor, I throw her the belt.
I catch her off guard, but she manages to grab ahold of it before it drops to the floor.
And then I sink to my knees and bow down in front of her.
With her jaw dropped, she stares at me. “What are you doing?”
“Giving you everything that I have.”
“You want me to …” She looks at the belt.
“I want you to punish me, Lillith.”
“Why?” she asks.
“I want to feel what you feel. Experience what you experience.” I look her straight in the eyes. “Feed me your rage.”
She makes a face. “What? Are you insane?”
“Yes, but mostly I’m just madly in love.”
“Fuck you!” she screams. “You can’t just do this.”
I hold up my hands. “Here I am, doing it.” I take a deep breath. “Now hit me with all you’ve got.”
“You think that this will help? You think this will solve anything? That this will make it all better for me?”
“No, but it’s a start.”
“How can you just ask me to do that?” she yells.
“Because I know this is what you need.”
I fold my hands behind my head, straightening my back. “Hurt me, Lillith. Hurt me like I hurt you.”
She roars. “I hate you. I fucking hate you for doing this.”
She stomps toward me, the belt flicking in her hands. The sound of the leather and the ruggedness in her voice are all too familiar to me. I recognize myself in all her fury. The powerlessness she feels is something that I kept hidden in my heart for a long time. But now she is here. She came into my life and gave me power, control. Love.
I control my own desires, my own decisions, my own thoughts. No one can take the cho
ice away from me. It’s because of her that I realize this, and it’s why I am giving her a chance to use me as I have used her. This is my way of showing her how much I love her.
“Hit me with all you have,” I say.
And she does.
A surprise blow catches me off guard, making me hiss. The first blow is always the hardest.
Another one comes, and she screams, “Fuck you!”
I growl. “Take it out on me.”
“I hate you!”
Another belting makes me bite my lip to cope with the pain. I won’t tell her to stop. I won’t ever speak the words because they belong to her. My body, my mind, my heart, and even my soul are hers.
She hits me again and again. Everywhere. My chest. My back. My shoulders. Even my ass. Nothing is spared and I wouldn’t expect anything less. I want her to give it her all, to let it all out. I will take all her anger and pain. No matter how much, I will take it all. For her.
So she can relieve herself, like I have done when I was with her.
We are two users, abusers of each other’s qualities, selfish for taking what we don’t deserve. I can’t be a knight in shining armor for her, but I will be a good punching bag. I don’t deserve her, but I’ll put up one hell of a fight to be with her and work my way into her heart again.
I lash out at him with everything that I have.
He asks for it, he’ll get it.
I hate him. I hate him so much. For everything. Even for the things that he wasn’t responsible for. All my anger is focused at him, and maybe it’s because he tells me to, but damn, he deserves it.
I hit him again and again until his skin is red and swollen, and even then I still hit him. My rage is as deep as the wounds on his body, and still I go on. Hitting him is an adrenaline rush that feeds my hunger for justice. Each blow relieves me of some of the built up fear, anger, and anxiety. Every strike is a step toward release. Controlling his pain sharpens my senses, alerting me to his huffs, his groans, my eyes catching every bit of movement of his clenching muscles. He’s hurting, badly, and with every whipping I add, he lowers his position. His strength is waning, and I know it’s caused by my anger. Letting it all out on him is taking its toll, but he asked for it.
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