by Hall, Marie
Quickly glancing over my shoulder at the empty hallway, I say, “I do love him, Alex. If that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve already told him.”
His mouth curls as he rubs the back of his neck. “That’s not what I’m worried about, it’s…”
Just then the sound of shuffling feet and the closing of a bedroom door breaks us apart with a guilty start.
Alex smiles, eyes flicking up. “Anyway, I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
With a wave, he’s down the steps and swallowed up by the darkness.
Ryan’s fingers are warm as he slips them beneath the collar of my dress, softly caressing the nude skin beneath, leaving a wake of heat and want in its path.
Turning, I kick the door shut with my foot and fumble behind my back to lock it.
“Did I happen to tell you this morning how sexy you look?” His dimpled smile fills my belly with fierce longing.
Moving into him, molding my body with his, I wrap my hand around the back of his neck. “Oh, I’m not sure. Why don’t you tell me again?”
His hands are hard as they clamp onto my butt and he lifts like I weigh nothing. I wrap my legs around his waist as he guides us back to my room.
I barely have enough time to flick the door shut before his hungry lips descend on mine.
Moans spill between us as we land in a sloppy heap of tangled limbs on my bed. It’s so dark, which only heightens the sense of touch. I can’t see much more than a shadow, but I gasp when his calloused palms slide beneath my dress, fumble with the tie at my waist and finally slide the fabric off my body.
The cold buckle of his belt presses against my stomach as he moves between my legs, in no rush to take his own clothes off.
Grabbing his arms, I trace the seam of rippled muscle as he moves. His soft, soft lips work along my throat, bristly jaw scraping the sensitive skin and driving me crazy.
Digging my nails into his back, I wrap my legs tighter around his hips, trying to remember to keep quiet and not groan too loud.
“Take your clothes off,” I order with an impatient tug on his pants. “You’re making me…”
Growling deep in his throat, he plunges his tongue into my mouth, making me swallow the rest of my words.
Taste and touch and smell, it’s what I live in. It’s all I know right now.
His scent of woodsy cologne, the way his body shivers and dances across mine, the sway and pull of muscle as he yanks his shirt off, the slightly salty taste of his chest as I nip and lick my way across.
He worships my body and I worship his. At some point he grabs a condom and slips it on.
My window curtains ruffle as the heater kicks on and moonlight slivers across the expanse of our nude flesh, kissing our skin with hints of lavender and silver. I roll over on top of him.
His smile smolders, inches through me like flame, burning and consuming me. Sweat slickened hair clings to the back of my neck.
“Come here,” he whispers, hooking his finger.
I lean over, my breasts scraping his sparse chest hair and causes my thighs to clench.
“Look at me,” he pushes hair out of my face, holding it behind my head in his fist.
Nothing moves through the stillness but our breaths. I memorize each scar, each dip and groove.
“You know I love you, right?” his whisky voice drizzles over me.
My heart swells, thickens in my chest. “Yes.”
Then he slides in, so slowly it’s a torture all its own. The stretch and give to accommodate him has me wiggling, moaning. My lashes flutter.
“Look at me, Lili.”
I open my eyes, biting down on a corner of my lip.
Only when I do, does he move, never releasing my hair and I have to fight to keep my eyes open.
His gaze is unswerving. Ryan’s not looking at me, he’s looking in me.
“I love you,” he mouths again, and then his eyes slip closed as the shivers take him.
A small cry escapes me as I slam mine shut, the intensity of this orgasm making my insides quake. Lights explode behind my eyes as I fracture into a thousand slices of bliss-- blinding, and intense, beautiful and all consuming.
When I come back to myself, I chuckle, dropping onto his chest. “Oh wow. Do you think we woke the house?”
His body shakes with laughter as he buries his face in the crook of my neck. Finally coming up for air he says, “Hope not. Though you were starting to sound like a banshee.”
I slap his chest.
Needing to clean up, I got off, comfortably sore. “Where did you put my clothes?”
Scooting up, so that he sits against the headboard he locks his fingers behind his head. Completely without shame.
And why should he be?
Ryan is beautiful.
Not an ounce of unnecessary fat cling’s to him. Eight pack abs, thighs like tree trunks, and arms like pythons… he’s a Greek god and I if I thought he could go at it again, I’d totally jump him right now.
I lick my lips.
“Like what you see?” he asks, crossing his ankles.
“Oh, you know…”I flick my wrist, “I’ve seen better.”
His lips twitch and then he’s tackling me, dragging me back down to the bed by the waist as his fingers start tickling my ribs mercilessly.
Pounding on his chest with my small fists I laugh through the tears, and buck. “Get off me, you big brute.”
He only tickles harder. “Not until you tell me the truth.”
Not able to take another second of this sexual warfare, I go limp in his arms. He stops immediately.
“Lili? You okay?” His brows pucker with worry.
Taking that split second of indecision, I slip out from underneath his hard frame and bounce to my feet. “Ha, no apologies from me, you jerk.”
I smack his butt.
Hard.
Flinching, he laughs and twirls.
I skip toward the door, hanging onto the handle. “Tickle me again and I’ll scream. I swear I will. And trust me, if Ade doesn’t get a solid six straight, you’ve not known terror.”
Laughing, entire body moving with it, he covers his eyes with his arm and I’m struck dumb. Literally dumb. My jaw hangs open.
I can’t remember him like this, ever.
This is Ryan, the real one. The one he would have grown up to be had Valentine’s never happened to him fifteen years ago.
I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much.
The love I have for Javi, my mom, even Ade… it’s different. With Ryan it’s bottomless, just when I think I hit the pinnacle, there’s more. And more. And more.
Wiping the tears from his eyes, completely unaware of what he’s doing to me, he rolls over and slips on his khaki’s.
“Lili, you’re adorable, you know that?” Coming up to me, he strokes my cheek. “I’m going to go clean up.”
Feeling as if the world has just slipped into reverse, as if up is now down and left is right, I stumble back to my bed, recognizing that behind that epiphany is a gnawing and very real growing fear.
I forget everything when he does those things. When he laughs and smiles and touches me.
He makes me forget just how broken he is and when I do, I cleave to the lie that it’s over, that he’s getting better, that things won’t go back to ugly. Pushing my fist against my chest, I wonder what Alex was going to say.
There’d been fear in his eyes, quiet unrest saddling his shoulders. I should have walked him outside, should have discovered the truth, because deep down, I knew it had to do with Ryan. With the secrets he kept.
I’m not stupid.
Tears claw the back of my throat, makes my neck sore as I swallow it down.
Three things I knew unequivocally.
Ryan hates Valentine’s Day. He’s tried to kill himself. And it all centers around an uncle he never talks about.
***
Ryan
I’m happy.
Fucking deliriously happy.
Grinning like an idiot.
I came to a decision tonight.
Well this morning really. Cradled in Lili’s arms, I’d had the best night of sleep I’d had in months.
There’d been no dreams, just a blessed black and when she’d rolled me over, pressing a tender kiss to my forehead and saying it was time to wake up, I knew what I was going to do today.
I brush my teeth, do my business and then jog outside to warm up the car, waiting for her and Ade to finish dressing before we head out to pick up Alex.
The car’s nice and toasty when they finally came out the house. Juan had arrived about fifteen minutes ago, he waved goodbye to his mother and shut the door behind them.
Lili has on a pair of jeans, and baggy red sweater. Her hair is up in a messy bun and she’s wearing the glasses I secretly adore.
I always had a thing for the sexy librarian.
Shivering, she gets in the car, flooding the inside with flowers, and claps her hands together. “Cold.”
Grabbing her fingers, I rub them between my palms.
“Kiss them warm,” she presses them to my lips and I kiss each and every digit.
Ade grumbles as she slams the door behind her. “Tell me why I put myself through this every year?”
“Because we’re crazy.” Lili winks at me and then yawns loudly.
Heading toward my house, I turn on some music.
“What are you planning to buy?” Ade asks to no one in particular.
Lili shifts, until she can sit on her leg, rolling her neck from side to side. “I don’t know. Just need some Christmas ideas. Javier needs new comics, and I’ll probably get a pretty piece of something for Mama and,” she glances at me shyly, “a few other things. What about you?” she asks me.
I shrug as I turn onto my street.
All the lights are off in the house; Alex is going to be a bitch to wake up.
“I don’t know, I’ll probably just look around at stuff. Where are we going anyway?”
I park.
“Shop-n-Save, Kringle’s, and the mall.” Ade holds up her hand, ticking them off on a finger.
Alex is going to piss his pants when he realizes they’d planned an entire day around shopping. I laugh, this’ll be fun.
“Be right back.”
Getting out, I run inside and then pound on Alex’s door a second before flinging it open with a bang.
Jumping up, eyes wide and hair poking up everywhere, Alex comes at me, stopping a split second before he clocks my face with a fist.
“Fuck man!” He snarls, and wipes his hand on the back of his mouth. “Fuck. Don’t do that shit. Damn.”
I slap his chest and laugh. “Hey, just paying you back for all the times you do it to me.”
Snarling, he heads to the bathroom.
Thank God Alex never sleeps naked the way I do, that’s a sight I’m happy to do without.
“I’ve never done that to you,” he grumbles and slams the bathroom door shut behind him.
“Then consider it future payback,” I holler and only receive another grunt in response.
I’d showered at Lili’s, but had had to toss the same nasty stuff back on. Taking a quick opportunity to change, I grab a pair of jeans and a sweater, and am just brushing my hair down with my hand when Alex walks out of his bedroom, dressed and glowering.
“You better buy me whatever the hell I want today.” He rolls his eyes. “Taking me to a goddamn store at three the fuck in the morning.”
“Ah, come on, cheer up, who knows,” I clap his shoulder, “you might find your next lay down aisle five.”
“Screw you.” He narrows his eyes. “And just why the hell are you in such a good mood?”
I slip my hands into my pockets. “You’ll see. Anyway, c’mon, they’re outside, and Alex, be on your best behavior.”
Cramming a hat on his head, he tries to trip my legs out from under me. “Whatever, loser.”
***
The stores are as bad as I’d always heard, already we’ve been at it for four hours and my frustration is mounting. How am I supposed to do what I planned if all the stores they keep hitting up don’t sell what I need?
Alex laughs, drinking a cup of coffee as we walk out the coffee shop across the street from where the girls are.
“What?” I grumble.
“Oh nothing,” he shrugs, “Just love seeing you skulk and grimace at anything that walks past. What exactly are you looking for, man?”
Shoppers mill from store to store in the shopping plaza parking lot.
“A ring.”
Spitting out coffee, eyes bugging, he nearly hits a woman. Huffing, she wipes at the nonexistent stain on her pants before marching off.
“Are you out of your mind?”
Sighing with exasperation, I turn to him. “According to you I am. So what’s the problem now?”
“Problem?” His jaw works from side to side.
Not in the mood, I turn back around and wonder if maybe the Wal-Mart sells them. Moving in that direction, forcing Alex to either keep up or stay back, I drop my hands into my pockets.
“Have you told her?”
“No!” I bark. “No, okay.” I lower my voice when I notice a couple eyes staring at us.
“Will you?”
The double doors whisk open soundlessly and I smile immediately when I spot the jewelry counter.
“Isn’t this fast?” Alex jogs backwards in front of me, not exactly pushing me back, but doing a damn fine job of making me have to work to get around him.
“You know, I might hate my parents, but they knew each other two weeks and have been together almost fifty. Lili and I have been together nine months. I’m ready. I love her. There’s nothing else to think about.”
Looking through the glass display cases, I try to imagine which one would look best on her. I don’t have a lot of money, only what I’ve managed to save up from my fights. About three thousand give or take.
Is that enough for a ring?
Palms damp, I rub them down my jeans.
“Nine months,” he scoffs, “Brilliant. And in all that time how much have you told her about yourself?”
I shouldn’t have told him.
I don’t even understand his reasons, why is he so angry? Shouldn’t he be happy for me? Rooting me on, excited that I’d found my girl.
“Enough,” I grumble, still pressing my nose to the glass case.
Lili hardly ever wears jewelry, in fact, I don’t think I’ve seen her wear anything other than the rocks in her ears. And they aren’t crazy large like I’ve seen most girls use.
Lili’s understated elegance, from the way she dresses, to the way she moves. I scratch my head, trying to think through Alex’s noise.
“What if she’s not the one? What if this is just a fad for you? You thought about that one? You’re only twenty five, still a baby.”
I snort. “That coming from the mouth of a twenty one year old.”
“Hey,” he pounds his chest, “at least I’ll admit I’m too damn young to think about this.”
A large lady dressed in a flower printed dress sails toward us on a vanilla scented cloud. I wrinkle my nose, fighting the sneeze of too much perfume.
“Could I help ya?” she asks in a thick Texas twang.
She wears too much make-up, it’s coated on her like clown make-up. Thick and bold, her eyes are painted a robin’s egg blue and her lips are a bloody red. Thick folds jiggle under her jaw as she speaks.
“I’m looking for a ring for my girlfriend.”
Alex snorts and I fix a hard smile on my face, keeping my back to him.
Frowning, she looks between the two of us. “O…okay. Do you know what she likes?”
Tapping the glass, I grimace. “Not really.”
A bitter laugh rings in my ears.
Taking a deep breath, forcing the fury down into a safe and quiet place, I remind myself that he doesn’t know anything.
Doesn’t know anythin
g about Liliana, me, us.
This isn’t a fling.
Or an itch that I’m scratching.
Never in a million years did I think I’d ever propose to a woman with a kid from another man. Always thinking I couldn’t do it, couldn’t look at that child and see him as mine.