by Hall, Marie
But it starts with the first step.
“I was raped. When I was ten. By my uncle.”
I’ve never spoken the words, never told another soul. The silence is heavy. Nothing moves, not me, not the priest, because the words, they’re still hanging there, a filthy, ugly parasite waiting to pounce back on me.
“Would you like to go to confession, son?”
“I’m not a believer, Father. I don’t come to church, I’m not sure why I’m even here.”
He rubs his chin between his fingers and stands. “But you’re here now. So let’s go talk.”
I follow him to a small cubicle with a heavy curtain draped in front of it. There are two chambers, separated by a thick panel of wood. Opening his side, he looks at me. “In there, you just talk. You don’t have to look at me, and I don’t have to look at you. This is a safe place, Ryan.”
Nodding, I go in and I tell him everything, every single gory detail. He listens, doesn’t utter a sound, doesn’t offer meaningless condolences and it’s amazing, because I realize it had all been a lie.
The lies I’d told myself, that talking wouldn’t help, that reliving didn’t make it better, only worse… but it did, because the truth has set me free. Like someone has grabbed the burden hanging around my neck, grabbed it and thrown it off.
I’m shaking by the time I finish.
Finally he speaks. “Unfortunately this crime is hardly ever reported, especially by men. I’m sorry for what you went through, Ryan. I truly am and I want to say something to you I’ve wanted to say to each and every boy this has ever happened to. It wasn’t your fault.”
I drop my head into my hands.
“Your girlfriend? Liliana was it?” The priest asks.
“Ex. She dumped me.”
He inhales. “From what you’ve said it’s because you refused to share with her what you just did me. Do you love her?”
“With everything that’s inside me.”
“Does she love you?”
I don’t know. Not anymore. “For a time, I thought so. But I’m not sure about anything anymore. I put her through hell. She probably wants nothing to do with me now.”
“You know, even priest’s know what love is. As the bible tells it in 1 Corinthians 13:4, it says ‘love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers.’ Do you understand what that means?”
My entire body trembles, I want to believe that so desperately. But they’re just words from a book. “Do you believe that?” I ask quietly.
“I really do. If she loves you, she’ll listen and she’ll accept you, no matter what.”
I stare at the edge of the fluttering curtain, counting my breaths, listening to the steady thwump of my heart in my ears.
“Thank you,” I whisper, and then yanking the curtain back head out to where I should have gone all along.
Chapter 28
Liliana
I call Alex. Only to find out that Ryan’s gone out on his own. Exhaustion leeches from my pores. There’s no more in me, the worry is all-consuming and I can’t, just can’t do this anymore.
I have a mother to consider, Javi. They need me to be strong. So I walk back inside my house, sit in front of the TV and promise myself that this will be the last night I cry for him.
I’m cleansing Ryan from my system like I should have done three months ago.
So I sit and I cry and watch infomercial after infomercial-- the hosts fake laughter and audience’s ooh’s and ahh’s ring in my ears.
I’ve made my choice, I’d given him a choice and he’d chosen. I had to live with the decision.
And just as I’m ready to walk back to my room and forget it all, car lights wink through the windows. My heart seizes the moment I spot the car pulling alongside the curb.
Grabbing a sweater, I toss it over my shoulder. Has Ryan hurt himself again? Where had Alex found him this time? Bloody, violent images race through my head as I throw the door open, never stopping to consider that if Ryan was in the hospital, Alex wouldn’t have driven here, he would have called.
Sleet is falling, making the sidewalk slick. I’m shivering by the time I ran down the path. And then I stop dead the second it dawns on me that it isn’t Alex getting out of the car, it’s Ryan.
“Ryan?” my voice comes out a breathy whimper. “Ryan?” a sob this time.
He’s parked under a streetlamp. Cold, stinging wisps of ice prick my face, but I can’t focus on anything other than the man standing there with his heart in his eyes and hands by his sides.
Dark wavy hair curls across his forehead, both eyes are bruised, his jaw is a sickly yellow, but he’s never looked better to me.
I’m not sure how, but I must have been walking this whole time, because next thing I know I’m right in front of him and then my memory grows fuzzy. All I know is, he’s in my arms again and I’m holding him-- and thank you Jesus-- he’s wrapping his arms around my waist and hoisting me to his chest and he smells so good. So clean. I don’t smell alcohol.
This isn’t the same man.
I sense it in my soul, he’s different and I don’t know what’s falling from my lips, because it’s an awful, ugly sound full of pain and regret and apology.
I’m kissing him, can’t stop touching him, worried this is just a mirage, or that somehow I’ve fallen asleep and am really in my bed and when I wake up he’ll be gone all over again.
He lets me kiss him, lets me hold him, but he doesn’t touch me back other than the hug and when it dawns on me that I’m the only one doing the touching, I snap out of his arms.
Gasping for air, I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Of course you wouldn’t…”
“Lili,” he clenches his eyes shut for a second, “there’s something I need to tell you. Something you demanded to know before.”
Covering my mouth with my hands, I don’t know what to do or say. “You don’t have to, Ryan. If you’re not ready, you don’t have to. I just… I…” love you.
Why is it so hard to tell him? After all the times I’ve done it before. He shakes his head, burrowing his fingers through his hair.
“Stop, please. If you keep talking I’ll lose my nerve.”
I clamp my lips shut, but can’t stop the runaway train that is my heart.
Taking a deep breath, he leans against the hood of the car. I want to hug him again, he looks so scared, like a lost child, but I know if I do he’ll clam up, and as selfish as it is, as awful as it makes me, I have to know the truth.
He doesn’t look at me as he speaks in a hushed tone. “Sixteen years ago today, my parents dropped me off at my Aunt Jane and Uncle John’s house.”
I can taste the adrenaline on my tongue, and looking down at my feet, it dawns on me I’d never thought to put on shoes. I’m barefoot and standing in sleet, but there’s no way in hell I’ll move.
His eyes are distant, staring into the past, reliving the experience and I’m helpless to help him.
“Uncle John was a big guy and I always liked him. He was my little league coach growing up. Alex and I,” he smiles, “we hated each other back then. Always competing to see who’d be the best. Uncle John always pulled me aside and told me I was secretly his favorite. Back then I used to think it was because he knew how distant my dad was, but now I know why.”
Swallowing hard, he blinks. “He used to tell me things, things that made me uncomfortable, but he was my uncle and I was young, I just thought all uncle’s said shit like that.”
He grows silent.
“Like what?” I whisper.
His voice is monotone as he says, “Like I was prettier than any girl he’d ever seen. That I had a nice body.”
I cringe, covering my mouth. Sick to my stomach, hating his uncle so much in that moment, wa
nting to go find him, and hurt him. Beat him for daring to do what he’d done.
Sighing, his smile is tight. “But he never did anything, not until that night anyway. Aunt Jane was out of town, her sister had just died in a car accident the week before. He’d offered to watch me for Valentine’s Day, said he had nothing better to do. Mom and dad, they jumped at the chance to unload me.”
“Wasn’t until I got there that I realized Alex wasn’t home either. He’d sent Alex to his friend’s house for a sleepover. At first it was cool. He’d rented some movies and said he’d ordered a pizza. I was fine, it was my uncle. I mean, whatever, right?” He chuckles.
I touch his hand, but I don’t think he even notices, Ryan is completely lost in his head.
“The movies, they were graphic. Not porn, but close enough. My parents had never let me see movies like that, I remembered just staring at them wide eyed.” He laughs, “I was already a horny boy, I liked to look at breasts and wonder what they looked like underneath the shirts. That night I got to see it all. I failed to notice how turned on my Uncle was becoming. I kept seeing him grab himself, hearing him groan every once in a while. At that point I was getting uncomfortable and pretended like I was tired and ready for bed.”
I want to stop him.
I know enough, can figure out what come’s next. But Ryan isn’t telling me this for my benefit anymore, he’s purging, releasing it and I know it’s my turn to be strong for him. I’d promised to share the burden and I will.
Sniffing, I wipe my sleeve under my nose.
“When I got up, he grabbed me. Touched me. Told me to touch him. I told him no.” His voice shakes. “But he was strong, slipped his hands down my pants and grabbed it.” Dropping his head into his hands, his jaw trembles violently and I see the sheen of tears glistening in his eyes.
“Ryan, you don’t have to…” I blink away the tears.
“I have to, Lili, because it’s killing me. Because I love you and I trust you with this.” Shaking his head, he smiles grimly. “He grabbed and he made me fucking hard, Lili.” His voice breaks as he knuckles a tear away.
“I was so goddamned ashamed, but I couldn’t stop it. And when I came, I wanted to die. Then he lit a cigarette, and asked me if it was good.”
My soul is breaking; I can’t believe the nightmare he’d lived with for all these years. All the anger, the brutality of his attack on Olivio, it all made so much sense and I don’t want to hear anymore.
It hurts so bad.
“Then he told me, it was his turn.” Tears streak hot down his face. First time I’ve ever seen him cry. “He made me pull my pants down, threatened me to tell my parents if I didn’t. I didn’t know he was full of shit. All I knew was I scared out of my mind. He wasn’t gentle. I bled for two fucking days afterwards. But he still wasn’t done with me. Like every nasty fantasy he’d ever had, he played it out on me that night.”
Covering my eyes, I try not to picture it, but it’s impossible. All I can see is a small ten year old boy with big blue eyes, staring up at his uncle with a shattered look on his face.
“Waving the cigarette under my face he told me to suck it. Told me if I bit him, he’d burn me. I didn’t care, I bit. And he fucking ground that thing in my face.” He touches the small puckered scar on his cheek. “That was when Alex walked in. Decided not to have the sleepover after all.”
“Oh my God,” I breath. “Alex saw that?”
He nods. “Saw most of it. Dropped his bag and ran out the door. John ran after him, hitching his pants up and screaming that Alex better get back. I just rolled over and cried. John didn’t return, but Alex did. That was the night he decided to save me.” He lifts his brows, wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Did… he… did he ever hurt Alex?” I squeeze out.
“He says no. Hindsight, I think maybe he didn’t. But maybe he wanted to and that’s why he did what he did to me. I was the consolation prize.”
“And you told your parents?”
He crosses his ankles and I’m shivering violently now.
“Yup. I showed them the burn, but when they tried to get me to go to the doctor I refused. Told me if I’d really been raped I wouldn’t refuse, John was all ready with an answer. Said I was a liar and that the burn mark was nothing other than me and Alex dicking around with his pack.”
“And they bought that?” I can’t keep the disbelief from my voice.
“They wanted to believe it, Lili. The next year when they tried to send me back, was the year I went ape shit. Turned their world upside down. I told them if they ever sent me back there I’d kill John and then myself. Started wearing black, beating shit up, making their life a living hell.”
His shoulders shake, his nostrils flare. “So there you go, Lili. That’s me.”
Stepping in front of him, I grab his face. He won’t look at me.
“Ryan. Look at me.” He doesn’t. “Look at me.”
Anger is there, but so is the pain and it’s raw and viscous and all consuming. “I love you.”
He jerks, trying to take his jaw back, but I won’t let go. I have him now, and he isn’t going anywhere.
“Do you hear me? I love you. I do. With everything I have inside me.”
A loud sob tears from his chest as he drags me to him, pulling me tight to his body, hanging on for dear life and I join him.
“Always, Ryan. Always, forever and ever. I don’t care about that. I don’t. You’re good and decent and kind and so beautiful it breaks my heart.”
“Lili.” He strokes my back. “I thought if you knew. If you realized how dirty I was--”
I place a finger over his lips. “Don’t ever say that. You didn’t choose that, you didn’t ask him to do that to you. None of what happened was your fault. Not one bit of it. He has problems, not you. I want you to come with me. Will you come with me?”
His shoulders are hunched, his head hanging heavy on his chest, but he grabs my hand and holds on.
***
Ryan
She lays me on her bed and my body shakes so hard it’s making my teeth clack. I can’t believe what’s happening, that we’re really here. Picking right up where we’d left off. Then she’s undressing me, crawling on top of my body and flinging her top off.
The night is so still and quiet, like a cocoon wrapped around us.
Liquid green eyes stare deep into mine. “Thank you, Ryan, thank you for being so brave.”
I don’t touch her, still not trusting myself to lay a hand on her. Still wondering if she thinks I’m dirty.
But Lili’s kissing my chest, laving her tongue along my nipple, and whispering with each heated press of lips how much she loves me.
Grabbing my hand, she presses it to her breast. “Touch me, Ryan. Fill me, make me yours, all yours.”
“Why?”
I know I’m being a wuss, but I have to know why she isn’t freaking out, why she isn’t disgusted by me.
Holding on to my face, she rocks on my hips, making a moan spring from my lips.
“You’re not dirty, Ryan. And I’m not an angel, I’m just a woman who’s desperately in love with you and wants you to know that no matter what, I’ll always be here.”
Twisting up, I kiss her. Take her lips between my own and moan into her mouth. Her fingers fist into the waist of my pants.
Sliding my tongue along the seam, I seek and receive entry. Our tongues duel, wrapping around each other like we want to swallow one another.
All the weeks of being apart, the constant yo-yo of the past year, it vanishes with each caress, each whisper.
My hands are all over her and hers are all over me. Touching me exactly where she knows I like it, making me arch into her when she grips my hard length.
“Take your pants off and come inside,” she nips at my jaw.
Fumbling around, I manage to kick them off. “You still have the condoms?” I whisper and she nods as she reaches over to her nightstand, pulling one from her drawer.
T
hen sitting up and leaning back, she tears the wrapper open and stars at me as she gently rolls it on. I’m panting, breathing like I’ve run a marathon. Straddling my hips, she smiles and throws her head back, exposing the long length of her neck as she slides slowly down.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper, fondling her breasts.
Grunting, she starts to move and I stop talking.
I follow her lead, matching my rhythm to hers, working in and out, taking what she offers.
I don’t know if she knows, but Lili’s love, it’s healing me.