by Oriana Small
Kris, Tyler and I took a separate trip to Palm Springs one weekend. Kris didn’t tell Randa about it at all. It wasn’t shocking. Ever since we got to know Kris, he told us about how unhappy he was in his relationship. Kris complained about Randa constantly. She didn’t work. She didn’t clean. She did too many drugs. She stole his drugs. She was a liar. She was too skinny. She went out without him. She did speed. She didn’t contribute. They had been living together for six years and were tentatively engaged. There wasn’t a date set for a wedding, because he had serious doubts. It was all too familiar to me. I still hadn’t told Tyler of my mixed feelings about our own engagement. Randa was making an attempt to become a television actress. The only effort she seemed to be making was by asking Kris for headshots. When Kris vented about Randa, his face got dark.
The most disturbing thing Kris told us was that Randa accused him of physical abuse. Kris told us first, before Randa could spin it her way. He wanted to defend himself and explain the situation. She made him so angry that Kris pushed Randa and shoved her into a wall during a rage. He didn’t hit her, but she called it abuse. I didn’t know what to say or think of all this. It was their relationship, not mine. I barely knew them. I didn’t want to know their secrets.
I couldn’t worry about Kris and Randa. I had my own issues with Tyler’s growing temper. He’d started taking steroids. At first, it was just pills. A fellow porno actor hooked him up with Winstrol, a horse growth hormone. Then another colleague sold him Deca. It came in little vials from Mexico and Brazil. Tyler used a hypodermic needle to inject the Deca into his leg. He didn’t ask me to do it for him because he still didn’t trust me with sharp objects. Sometimes a male friend would come over and shoot him in the butt with the juice.
Tyler didn’t need steroids. He was fit and muscular and went to the gym. He ate whatever he wanted and never gained unsightly weight. Tyler had a great body and sex drive. His wood problems came from cocaine. He wanted to be just as virile as the health fanatics yet party every night. Steroids became the answer to his prayers, just like Viagra. All the porno dudes shot steroids. They did it to get big muscles because they thought it looked good on camera. It also served as a shortcut, a cheater way to a get that teenage rage of hormones, and another way to get high.
I was against the steroid use, but I didn’t have the backbone to stop him. He said they made him feel better. Cigarettes made him feel amazing, too. Really, I had no idea what the proper thing was for a human body anymore. My head was full of excuses for doing porn and coke. We drank to get drunk. That’s the point of it, right? I still had an eating disorder. Tyler took vitamins. Both of us went to the gym. We liked Special K. We convinced ourselves that it didn’t matter. Whatever we do to our bodies will not harm us right now. We were still young, resilient, and beautiful.
Not even a week after he started using them regularly, Tyler had all the stereotypical side effects from shooting ’roids. He flew off the handle at the slightest irritation. He picked fights with men he didn’t know. Back acne showed up, right on schedule. He wanted to fuck everything that moved. One morning, during a screaming match in our bathroom, he broke the door off one of the hinges. Tyler was violent, but he never scared me, which probably egged him on even more. He felt like a moron. Maybe I should have taken it more seriously at the time, but it seemed ridiculous. Tyler, the tough, steroid guy, was not a scary dude. I still kind of liked it when he got physical. It was sexy when it happened only occasionally. When he started shooting steroids the macho act got old fast.
The weekend Kris, Tyler, and I stayed in Palm Springs was fun. We ended up having a threesome on coke and ecstasy. Kris brought Special K for us. Tyler was the one who planned and pushed for us to fuck. As with his other dude-crushes, he thought the ultimate way to bond with Kris was to share me in bed. Tyler gave the gift of girlfriend ass. I was used to it. This was how we’d always been and I’d liked it in the past, but I was growing increasingly disinterested in it. Tyler was always pushing me into threesomes for fraternal reasons and not for our mutual sexual satisfaction. Or he would use it as an excuse to conquer other women with my consent.
At first I didn’t mind us having an open relationship because it wasn’t wide open. We were a team and everyone else was an outsider to an extent. I felt more secure with Tyler in the beginning, but as time went on I didn’t feel like number one. That’s the most important thing when it comes to love. We have to feel like we’re the most important person to the ones we love.
I can blame it on the steroids, or the porno. Nonetheless, Tyler didn’t have me at the top of his list anymore. He slacked off when it came to putting me first. His friends and other girls were out there to fuck and do drugs with. He took me for granted now. We’d been doing porn for over a year. People had been telling us that sooner or later the business would break us up. We weren’t paying any attention to the warning signs. I wasn’t happy. The most attention Tyler paid me was in an argument, or in tears.
Our friends were “there” for us. Kris, Tyler’s favorite friend at the time, was there for me when I needed a hug or someone to make me laugh. Right in front of my boyfriend, who ignored me, I fell for his good friend. I always passed harsh judgment on girls that fucked their boyfriend’s friends without consent. Girls who did that were awful, deceitful—especially in a porno world that depended so much on trust. Until it happened to me, I thought I was better than that.
You don’t always plan to deceive or betray someone. I felt an attraction to Kris because he filled in a gap. He showered me with affection when Tyler had no interest in me except as a piece of property. Kris made me feel special again, and I fell for it. The big plan for male bonding out in Palm Springs had backfired right in Tyler’s face. He was still too busy ignoring me to notice.
After our weekend together, we met up for dinner at Cobras and Matadors; this time Randa was included in the equation. She had no clue about my affair with Kris, but I knew she was suspicious of him. She was the one who initiated the outing to dinner. She wanted to hook up with Tyler something fierce. I don’t know if it was because she simply found him sexy or if she wanted to get some kind of reaction out of Kris. But I didn’t want to feel too much for her because of the crush that was going on between Kris and me. It was a bizarre love vortex.
I was on tons of coke and uncomfortable the whole time. Randa bugged the shit out of me. I hated the way she and Tyler flirted with each other. I didn’t get it. I smoked my cigarette outside and watched them through the front window of the restaurant. How could he be attracted to her? She told us a story about how she broke her cherry with a shoehorn when she was ten. Everything about her repulsed me. We all went back to Kris and Randa’s place after dinner. They lived in a guesthouse in a halfway decent neighborhood near Fountain and La Brea. Tyler dumped out a pile of cocaine on the glass coffee table. Randa made some cocktails and Kris went to the bathroom. He was sick from the food at Cobras. I felt sick, but not from what I ate. Randa’s cheesy smile and nasally, Midwestern accent made me nauseous.
Kris came out of the bathroom with a sour look on his face. Without much small talk, Randa gave Kris a glance, as if seeking a sign of approval. Kris’s body language said, “I don’t care.” Randa put her arms around Tyler. He looked into her eyes and started kissing her. She loved it. Tyler’s hands came around her back and felt her ass. Then he looked over to Kris and me and smiled his dumb-guy “this is awesome” smile.
I remained sitting on the floor in front of the coke. Kris took a place next to me. Randa’s tits came out and Tyler was slapping them. The living room was literally not big enough for me to be able to turn the other way. I did so mentally. I cut out two huge lines and snorted them. Kris did the same. I felt like an old bar hag, sitting belly-up at the local dive. I felt used, unwanted, and discarded. I was only twenty-two years old.
Tyler reached out for me while Randa was bent over, her panties off. It was clear that sex was going to happen. Tyler wanted to include me in hi
s charade. I hated lesbian sex. I just don’t like vaginas. The only one I’m interested in is my own. Tyler knew all of this but pulled my head over to Randa’s cunt. She had big dangling labia, and Tyler wanted me to put my mouth on them.
I couldn’t jump back and start screaming like I wanted to. That would have hurt Randa’s feelings. Part of me did despise her, but still, I had manners. The color and texture of Randa’s cunt made me cringe. My mouth rejects the metallic taste of pussy, no matter whose it is. I licked Randa’s vagina for a few seconds, then I turned my head to Tyler’s dick. All was forgotten about the puss-eating once he began gagging me with his cock.
Tyler grabbed Randa’s head and shoved his cock in her mouth. We gave him a double blowjob for a minute, then I let her have the thing to herself. I felt no sexual stimulation from any of this. My heart was cold, wounded. All I felt was anger and frustration. I crawled on the floor over to Kris and the coke. We did another couple lines and I got on his lap. I straddled him and pressed myself against his big, elongated frame and we kissed deeply. Kris didn’t care for what was happening between Tyler and Randa on the other side of the room. It annoyed him more than it hurt his feelings. He said that he was done with Randa and wanted her gone. He let Tyler fuck her because he said she didn’t turn him on anymore.
Kris and I made out passionately on the floor. I pulled out his dick and licked it. I put it in my mouth, sucked it, and played with it in my hands. I wanted nothing more than for it to get hard so I could show Tyler how great I was. But Kris’s dick would not get hard. It was the coke. His long penis was limp as a shoestring. It embarrassed him and he reassured me that it had nothing to do with me. Instead of letting Tyler and Randa steal my attention again, I put my ass in Kris’s face and laid my face on the floor.
“Spank me. Hit me. Come on, I want you to,” I said.
Kris’s humungous hand made firm contact with my butt cheek.
“Harder! Do it harder!”
He reached back and got a full swing. Smack! It hurt, but it felt right. I needed it to hurt. He got excited and pulled my underwear down.
“Come on, give it to me harder. I need it!” I yelled. The blows came quickly and mercilessly. Both of us were getting off on the infliction, the punishment. It was an outlet for what was going on inside. Tyler and Randa were now fucking and making noises on the couch. I kept begging Kris to hit me more. He spanked my bare ass over and over. Finally, I couldn’t take the pain anymore. My ass cheeks were turning a dark black and blue. Visually, it was exciting. Kris and I sprawled out on the carpet and continued to kiss. When Tyler and Randa finished fucking, we all came back to the pile of coke. Everyone forgot what’d happened for a while. Kris put on music and we drank some more booze. Tyler and I planned to stay the night, since it was already nearly four in the morning.
Kris and I went into the bedroom and fell asleep in his bed. Tyler and Randa weren’t ready to retire. They didn’t go to sleep. Instead, they did more coke and Special K before leaving to the neighbor’s house to fuck some more. Both of them were out of their minds. I don’t think there was a lot of premeditation put into their plan. Before they left, Tyler pulled me out of the bed. He got angry with me for cuddling up to Kris. I slept on the floor after that.
Daylight and yelling woke me up. The guesthouse was empty except for me. The front door was wide open and there was some kind of screaming match going on in the yard. I got up and scurried outside. Good thing I slept in my clothes all night.
“Hey man, just cool it. Calm down! We weren’t doing anything!” Tyler shouted at Kris.
“Look, don’t tell me shit right now! I saw you coming back from the neighbor’s house! What the fuck is going on?” Kris stood tall over Tyler and Randa. He had his fist cocked, ready to hit someone.
“Kris, it’s not what you think. We just wanted to party a little and we didn’t want to keep you up. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d be upset.” Randa looked creepy with her sunglasses on and her skinny body squirming around as she tried to explain herself. They looked caught to me. I didn’t care, but Kris was filled with hatred, mad at them both.
“Kris, I’m sorry. Please don’t make it such a big deal. We weren’t doing anything, please trust me.” Tyler’s eyes were wide from being on drugs all night. He was lying, but he was so fucked up that he meant what he said.
Kris had to go to work soon. The rest of us had the day off. I think that’s what pissed him off the most. We returned to the guesthouse, and Randa followed Kris into the bedroom, shutting the door.
I was ready to leave right then and there. Tyler said he was too fucked up to go anywhere. He put his arms around me and pulled me onto the floor with him. His eyes shut and he fell asleep. There was no reason for me to ask him what happened. Only lies would come out of his mouth. I didn’t care too much. I gave up. His actions only made me resentful. The fun was over for me, with Tyler. He was off having it without me now.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Judge Mathis
IT didn’t happen overnight, and it was messy. Our inevitable breakup exploded into reality. Tyler didn’t see it coming. He wanted to stay together forever, but he didn’t show me that he cared anymore. He said he loved me, over and over, but he couldn’t prove it. All of his actions spoke more than a thousand words which ultimately spelled out IT’S OVER. He even forgot my birthday. The more he told me “I love you,” the more I resented him. By now I felt more like his parent and guardian than his girlfriend.
Our demise began shortly after the introduction of Kris. Kris remained a steadfast pal to my boyfriend after the fateful night between Tyler and Randa. They worked together, drank, and hung out. And they talked. Tyler confided in Kris about the many girls he was fucking on the side, girls I didn’t know about. He was giving them rides in the car that I put the down payment on and fucking them in the backseat. Sometimes he did it in our garage in Tarzana, while I was upstairs clueless. Even open relationships require honesty. I’d let Tyler have sex with whomever he wanted for work, or in our private life, as long as I knew about it. I tolerated so much, there was no reason for him to be unfaithful behind my back.
Kris also lent his sympathetic ears to me when I cried about Tyler’s thoughtlessness. Kris complained about his own cheating girlfriend and encouraged me to stand up to Tyler’s behavior. I trusted Kris. He cared about me, deeply, or so I thought. When Tyler had his back turned, Kris told me, showed me, that I was special. I fell hook, line and sinker for the seduction. Kris knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. I felt justified indulging in the emotions I suddenly felt for another man. I wasn’t cheating on Tyler because he was cheating on me. I was taking care of myself. I was falling in love with Kris.
Tyler had met a skinny Canadian girl on one of his sets. Her name was Trixy. She had dishwater hair, blue eyes, and a knobby body. He brought her to our home one afternoon after they had both fucked in a scene. I thought nothing of it. Tyler was casual about it when he said he was going to drive Trixy home. I said, “It was nice to meet you, Trixy.” I kissed Tyler goodbye. I never thought he would take hours and hours to return. I never thought he would come back an emotional wreck. Tyler had a painful expression on his face when I asked him where he’d been.
“Ori, I think I just need a vacation. I need to take a break from all this.” He held me by both of my hands, desperate to get the words out.
“Sure! We can go anywhere we want. Let’s go on a vacation. Why are you so sad?”
“Baby, I don’t know how I can tell you this.”
“Tell me? I don’t understand you. If you want to go on a vacation, we’ll go,” I said.
“No, Ori. I want to go on vacation. Not us. I want to go by myself.”
“What do you mean? A vacation by yourself? Why? How could you go on a vacation without me?”
“No, don’t cry. Just listen.”
He put his arms around me. But he couldn’t properly explain himself. It crushed me. Couples that live together, es
pecially with our freedoms, do not go on separate vacations. I could understand if I was a frigid and uptight chick that never let him go out, but we did porn and drugs and had a very exciting life together. The confusion and argument and tears went on all night, until I finally cried myself to sleep. Tyler tried to cuddle up next to me in bed, but I wasn’t responsive. He’d finally broken my heart. The next day, we talked about his trip. He was going no matter what and wanted my blessing. Five days in Miami.
I said, “Have a good time.”
Less than a week before Tyler was to leave I learned that he was taking the Canadian porno chick with him. Tyler and Trixy had made the plans even before he brought her over to meet me. Tyler slipped up and mentioned her name on the phone while we discussed the money I was loaning him for the trip. I never knew it was possible to feel such hatred, such rage. It filled up my whole head, up through my chest, choking me. I couldn’t breathe. Tyler bought Trixy her airline ticket. He borrowed five hundred dollars from me to pay for their hotel room. I was going to stay home and shoot anal scenes to pay the bills and the rent. Was this a joke? No, no joke was this funny. I was the fucking joke. Tyler was going to leave with this whore in a couple of days, and I was staying home to cry about it. This was not how I had envisioned our lives only six months after he’d given me an engagement ring.
After Tyler left, Kris soothed me as I sobbed over my life and the dire situation my relationship was in. I felt like an ugly, useless, non-sexual slave.
“Don’t say that,” Kris said, calming me. “You’re gorgeous and sexy. Tyler’s a chump for treating you like this. Let him go off with that ugly whore. He’s the one missing out. You don’t have to stay home and think about him if you don’t want to.”