by Ann Tatlock
“See then?”
“I know what you’re trying to say, honey, but it still doesn’t mean your mother didn’t love you. Someday you’ll know she did, and I hope someday you’ll forgive her.”
Jane settled the empty glass on the wicker table beside her chair. “Everybody looks at me funny now. Even Claire and Hayley, my very best friends. It’s kind of like there’s something strange about me now, or like I’m bad luck or something.”
“What do your friends say to you?”
“Nothing. I mean, it’s not that they say anything bad, it’s just . . . things are different. It’s as though when I’m with them it isn’t me they’re seeing, it’s Mom. Mom and what she did.”
“Well, people are funny about death, Janie, especially when a person brings it on herself. In a way, the town is still in shock. You got to give people time. They’ll come around and things will get back to normal.”
“I don’t know. I wish . . .” Jane’s voice trailed off.
“What, honey?” Laney asked. “What do you wish?”
“I wish I had a family just like yours.”
Another small smile. “That’s nice of you to say, Janie.”
“Really. I mean it. Mr. Jackson’s so nice to you, and you have three good kids.”
“I guess I am blessed, aren’t I? But you know what? Someday you can have a family just like mine. Only instead of being the daughter, you’ll be the mother. You can have three good kids too, or as many as you want, and you can let them know you love them.”
“I’d never leave them.”
“I know that, honey. You’ll be a good mother.”
Jane nodded. That was her dream. She was going to make sure it came true. Her children would know beyond doubt that she loved them. She would be there for them every moment, listening, caring, helping. She would be everything to them that her own mother had never been to her. And perhaps most important, she would never tell them they were destined to be nobodies. Never would she cut them that deeply.
She looked over at Laney. “So where are you going to have dinner tonight?”
“Clapper said he made reservations at the Carriage House.”
Jane smiled, as she always did when she heard Mr. Jackson’s name. He’d been christened Roderick, but everyone had always called him Clapper. To Jane, it sounded like such a happy name. “That’s the fanciest place in town.”
“That’s right, and my folks are paying.” Laney laughed as she looked out over the quiet street. “You know, I think Daddy’s going to spend the whole evening trying to talk Clapper into moving back down to Greenville.”
“I thought you all were from Travelers Rest.”
Laney nodded. “That’s where I grew up, mostly. Eventually the folks moved to Greenville, though, because it was a better place for Daddy to make a living.”
“So now he wants you to move back down there, to be close to them?”
“Yeah. Clapper’s from down that way too, you know. It’d be nice to be back with family, though there’s a lot about Troy I’ll miss if we do go.” She paused and looked out over the street again. “I wonder what’s keeping them, anyway.”
“Maybe your baby-sitter was late.”
“Clapper was supposed to drop the kids off at Rachel’s for the night.”
“Your sister-in-law?”
“Yes. She’s keeping them till tomorrow so we can visit with Mamma and Daddy tonight.”
Even as she spoke, a dark brown Chevy Impala turned onto Rayburn Avenue and pulled into the circular drive. Clapper, at the wheel, put the car in park but left the motor running. He opened the driver’s side door, stepped out, and called over the roof, “Come on, baby, we’ve got six o’clock reservations, and it’s pushing six now.”
“I know, Clapper. But don’t blame me,” Laney hollered back. “I’ve been sitting out here waiting on you for the past fifteen minutes.”
The front passenger window slid down, and an elderly gentleman with a friendly smile leaned forward. “You can blame your mother, Laney. She couldn’t decide on which dress to wear. The usual dilemma, you know.”
He winked and nodded his head toward the woman sitting in the back seat. Small and dignified, she wore a dark blue dress and a matching hat. Around her neck was a triple string of pearls. Her dark wavy hair was pulled over her ears and into a knot at the nape of her neck. She curled her deep red lips into a sheepish smile and shrugged. Then she lifted a hand to Laney and waved.
“Oh, Mamma.” Laney feigned a sigh. “You know you look good in anything.” She turned to her husband then. “Clapper, haven’t you got a hello for Jane here?”
Clapper Jackson seemed to notice her for the first time. “Beg your pardon, Jane,” he said. “How you doing?”
Jane waved at him, too shy to respond in words. Laney stood and kissed Jane’s forehead, then ran around the car to sit beside her mother.
———
Jane remembered how she felt when they pulled away. She felt hopeful. As though maybe someday she really could be a part of a family like that.
Now here she was, all these years later, with a cup of coffee turned cold in her hand, a stereo that had gone silent, and a dream that had been knocked off course when a sniper caught Seth in the crosshairs of his weapon and made the split-second decision to pull the trigger.
22
Did you send that blind guy in here to talk with me?” Seth’s voice was quiet and without rancor. He sounded more curious than anything.
Still, Jane frowned at the question. “Blind guy?”
Jewel Ballantine answered. “You know, dear, the nice young man who’s a lawyer. He said he’s met you.”
“Oh, yeah. Jon-Paul. He was here?” Jane asked.
“He came in yesterday afternoon,” Seth said, “not long after you left.”
Jane shook her head and shrugged. “Well, I didn’t send him. What did he want?”
“I wouldn’t say he wanted anything,” Jewel said, “other than just to say hello.”
“He seemed to know some of the other men on the floor,” Sid added. “Maybe he just stops up here to visit once in a while.”
“Oh. Well, he has a sister who’s a nurse on one of the other floors,” Jane said. “And he’s dating one of the nurses. I can’t remember their names, but anyway, he comes sometimes to have lunch with them, and when he does, he plays the piano down in the atrium. He’s really good.”
“I remember hearing someone playing the piano down there once,” Jewel said. “Maybe that was him. Do you remember that, Sid?”
Sid shrugged.
“Probably lots of people play that piano, Jewel,” Jane said. “It’s there for whoever feels like playing.”
“Don’t get any ideas, Mom,” Seth said.
Jewel waved a hand. “Don’t worry. I won’t embarrass you, son.”
“You know,” Sid said, “your mother’s a good piano player. Think of all the years she’s played in church. She’s always sounded good to me.”
“That’s because you’re tone deaf, Dad.”
“Seth!” Jane scolded. “What a thing to say!”
Seth winked at his mother. “Mom knows I’m just giving her a hard time. Listen, speaking of church, did you get to the service in the chapel this morning?”
“Oh my, yes,” Jewel said. “It was a very nice service. The pastor could use a haircut, though—”
“Ah, Jewel,” Sid interjected, “you always think everybody needs a haircut—”
“But he was a nice young man,” Jewel said, ignoring her husband, “and he gave a good sermon. Had a good turnout too. The chapel was full.”
“Listen, son,” Sid said, “half the people there were in wheelchairs, so it’s really not an excuse to stay away. Maybe next week you’ll come with us?”
“Yeah, maybe.” Seth nodded. He turned his head toward the door and frowned. “Hey, Jane, is that Truman out there?”
Jane listened a moment. “I don’t know. Do you want me to see?”
“Yeah. And if he’s out there, tell him to come here for a minute.”
Jane stepped to the door and looked out. Truman was in the hall talking with a nurse. He lifted a hand when he saw Jane. In another moment the nurse nodded and left. “Hello, Jane,” Truman said. “What’s up?”
“Do you have a minute?”
“Sure.” He moved down the hall toward Seth’s room.
“Seth wants to see you.”
Truman raised his eyebrows, and Jane shrugged in response. One after the other, they stepped into Seth’s room.
“Hey, Doc Rockaway,” Seth greeted him from the bed. “I want you to meet the folks. Mom, Dad, this is the doctor I was telling you about, the one who knew what to do when I had that episode last Thursday.”
Sid rose from his seat and extended a hand. “We’re grateful to you, Doctor. I’m Sid Ballantine, Seth’s father. And this is my wife, Jewel.”
Truman shook hands with each one. “Very nice to meet you both.”
“Thank God, you were here, Dr. Rockaway,” Jewel said. “I hate to think . . .” Her words trailed off as she looked at Seth and back to Truman.
“He’s the best doctor in the hospital,” Seth said, “and he doesn’t even get paid for what he does.”
Truman laughed. “Well, I’m glad you think so highly of me, Seth, but I don’t do much. I just kind of keep my eye on things, help out as I can.”
“I wouldn’t call saving Seth’s life nothing much, Doctor,” Sid said.
“Yes, I wish we could bring you along when we take Seth home,” Jewel added. “I’d feel a whole lot less nervous with someone like you around.”
Truman waved a hand and gave a reassuring nod. “Don’t worry, Mrs. Ballantine. You’ll be fine. The hospital will educate you in everything you need to know for having Seth at home.”
The four of them, all still standing, lingered for an awkward moment by Seth’s bed. Finally Sid broke the silence by saying, “I hear you saw action in Korea.”
“That’s right. I was with the 24th Infantry Regiment.”
“I did two tours in ’Nam myself. Right before the Tet Offensive, I was out on patrol when a buddy of mine stepped on a landmine. That was our ticket out. He went home in a body bag while I went home on a C-141 jet transport.”
While the two old soldiers talked, Jane slipped around the bed and leaned over Seth. “I knew your Dad was in Vietnam, but you never told me he was wounded.”
Seth’s eyes were apologetic. “I guess I never thought much about it. I mean, by the time I came around, it was ancient history.”
“Yeah, well, I remember it very well,” Jewel said. “It seemed like the end of the world to me.”
“What happened, Jewel?”
“He had to have several surgeries to remove all the shrapnel, even after he got back to the States. After one surgery he developed a blood clot, and after another he picked up an infection that just about killed him. We weren’t even engaged yet, just dating, but already I was starting to feel like a widow.”
“I never knew.”
Jewel shrugged. “He lived. And I guess it is ancient history now.”
Jane looked at Sid, who was talking animatedly with Truman, and then back at Seth again. “So your dad got a Purple Heart like you did.”
“Yeah, except, I think that’s backwards. I got a Purple Heart like Dad did. Only Dad . . .”
When he didn’t go on, Jewel asked, “Only Dad what, son?”
“Only Dad got better. I never will.”
Sid must have been listening with one ear, because he turned to Seth then and said, “Don’t say that, Seth. Attitude is everything. Remember?”
“Yeah, Dad, but—”
“Things won’t be exactly like they were before, but they’ll be better than they are now. That’s what we’ve got to keep hoping for.”
“That’s right, Seth,” Jane jumped in. “It’s funny, but I’ve been thinking about Laney a lot lately, and how she used to say, ‘Life’s gearshift—’”
“Well, here you are, Doc!”
All eyes turned toward the door where a tall man leaned heavily against a walker.
“Oh, hey Jimmy,” Truman said. “Are you waiting on me?”
“Larry dealt the cards a good fifteen minutes ago.”
“Sorry about that. I got sidetracked.”
The man named Jimmy looked around the room and smiled apologetically. “Sorry to interrupt, folks. We got a little worried when the doc didn’t show up on time. I just wanted to make sure he was all right.”
“Ah now, Jimmy, you know I’m always all right. I’m too stubborn to not be all right.”
“Well, you come on down whenever you’re ready.”
“I’m ready now.” He turned to Sid and held out a hand. “Pleasure. Hope to see you again.”
Sid pumped his hand. “We’re here every weekend.”
“Mrs. Ballantine”—Truman smiled at Jewel—“you take care.”
“You too, Doctor. And thanks again for helping out with Seth.”
“Glad to help. Jane, I’ll see you later.”
“Bye, Truman. No cheating at the card game.”
“A gentleman never cheats. ’Course, there might be those who’d say I’m not a gentleman.” He was chuckling to himself as he left the room.
“Interesting fellow,” Sid said. “I’m glad we got to meet him.”
“I really would like to take him home with us,” Jewel said.
“Not much chance of that happening, Mom.” Seth looked up at her and smiled. “They need him around here too much to let him go.”
“I suppose . . .” Jewel said with a sigh.
“Don’t worry, Jewel,” Jane said. “I’ll be around to help you too, you know, once you get Seth home.”
Jewel nodded, but she was frowning at the same time, as though she didn’t quite believe it. After a moment, she perked up and said, “What were you saying about Laney, dear?”
“Oh.” Jane cocked her head. “I was just thinking of how she always used to say that life’s gearshift’s got no reverse, so all we can do is keep moving forward.”
“Well, she got that right,” Jewel said. “I think I remember her. She was married to Clapper Jackson, wasn’t she?”
“Yes. She worked for Gram for several years.”
“That’s right. I do remember. She made a cranberry delight that your grandmother served during the Christmas open house every year.”
“Yeah. I’m surprised you remember.”
“She was the sweetest woman. Had a smile that could light up New York. You remember her, Sid?”
Sid shrugged. “Vaguely. I do remember the cranberry delight.”
“I don’t remember her,” Seth said. “Why are we talking about her?”
“I don’t know,” Jewel said. “Jane mentioned her. Whatever happened to her, Jane?”
Jane thought a moment. “Seems like she and Clapper moved back down to South Carolina. I can’t remember exactly when she left. I guess I was around.. . . I don’t know . . . maybe thirteen or so when they moved away. I stayed in touch with her for a little while, but I wasn’t very good at writing letters, so we eventually fell out of touch.”
“Well, that’s what happens,” Jewel said philosophically. “People move in and out of our lives. People you’re close to one day are gone the next. Very few stay for the whole show.”
“I guess that’s true,” Jane said quietly.
“Now, Jewel, don’t go maudlin on us,” Sid chided.
“I’m not, Sid. Just stating the facts.”
“The important ones stay. That’s what matters.”
“Not necessarily, dear. Sometimes it’s the important ones that go. That’s the problem right there. We spend half our lives losing the people we love.”
Sid waved a hand. “Never mind. My stomach’s growling. How about we go down to the cafeteria and bring us back a snack.”
“Well, all right. Jane, honey, would you like to come al
ong? Or can we bring you back something?”
“No thanks. I’m not hungry. I’ll stay here with Seth.”
When the older couple left, Jane sat down in the chair beside Seth’s bed. Seth looked at her, looked away. Neither had anything to say to the other. The room was quiet.
23
Sent: Sunday, June 19, 2005 5:46 PM
From: Diana Penland
To: Jane Morrow
Subject: Catch me up
So what’s going on with Ted? Did he call you this weekend? Don’t keep me in the dark.
———
Sent: Sunday, June 19, 2005 7:04 PM
From: Jane Morrow
To: Diana Penland
Subject: RE: Catch me up
Nothing is going on with Ted. He hasn’t called. I can’t say I’m sorry, as it would only complicate matters, and heaven knows my life is far too complicated now as it is. What was I thinking when I gave him my number? Obviously, I wasn’t thinking; that’s the problem.
Your two rascals are doing fine, though Roscoe snapped at a bee yesterday and was promptly stung on the nose. He retreated to the house, whimpering and defeated. I tried to play nurse by holding an ice cube on his nose, but he didn’t much care for that either. He’s all better today, though, and happily snapping at bees again, so apparently he didn’t learn his lesson. Juniper is much smarter and ignores the bees, preferring to spend her time sniffing at molehills.
The pups are perfect companions for me this summer. Their joy at seeing me when I come home is just the diversion I need after spending time with Seth. Speaking of whom, I see some improvement in his spirits, but not much. Whenever he’s lost in thought, I fear what he might be thinking.
Gram called yesterday to see how everything’s going. Since I haven’t yet broken it off with Seth, I’m pretty sure things aren’t going in the direction she had hoped. I know she wants what’s best for me, but I’m the only one who can decide that.
It’s not an easy decision. If I believed in crystal balls, I might consult one. I look at the night sky and wonder if our future is written in the stars. Tea leaves, Tarot cards, palm readers . . . is there someone who can see my future and tell me what to do?