I tried to back pedal. ‘Mum, listen, it truly is my fault. I should have asked him the hard questions early on. But I was so curious about him I didn’t want to hear what he had to say if it meant I couldn’t see him anymore. I didn’t want the truth,’ I rambled, and then added, ‘It might not have changed anything.’
‘I haven’t brought you up to be so undiscerning, have I Daisy?’ Her eyes bore holes into mine. ‘So reckless?’
‘No. Now can you see why I hate myself? I’ve given up parts of myself I didn’t think I would. Not yet. How can I go back to being how I was before? The happy, confident Daisy who would stand up against anyone for injustice?’ I looked into her eyes with resignation. ‘I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learnt. Living in ignorance is a lot less painful than knowing all the horrible things people can do to each other.’
Mum looked down as she fought to compose herself. I felt horrible, like I’d betrayed her. ‘You are still that person. A person who has been hurt and will need space and nurturing to fully heal.’
I wrapped my hands around my stomach. ‘I feel like I will never heal. My stomach hurts unbearably all day and sometimes I feel like I’m going to pass out from it.’
Mum nodded and said, ‘That is a sign of great stress, but it will pass, along with the other hurt you feel.’
‘Do you know what the worst part is? I still want him so badly. I long for him. I shouldn’t, but I do. It eats away at me until I can’t stop crying. I can’t flick off the switch like that,’ I said, snapping my fingers for extra effect.
Mum patted my hand. ‘Sex has a way of binding us to a person in ways we didn’t know were possible. It can feel impossible to break; it probably should never have to be broken. I wish you didn’t have to know about this stuff yet. You are so young to be hurt this deeply.’
‘Well it’s done now. If I could take it back, I’m not sure if I would. Is that sad?’ I asked.
‘Listen to me. We all make mistakes. It’s a part of life. Yes you should have been more rational about your decisions, but it doesn’t mean you can’t move forward with your head held high. You learn from the people you associate yourself with and try not to make the same mistake again. That is the best we can do under the circumstances.’
‘But everyone at school …’ I began.
‘You aren’t a victim; I refuse to accept that someone has destroyed your life or your confidence in yourself. It’s his loss, and Rachael’s, and anyone else’s for that matter if they don’t value you as much as they should,’ she said, slamming a frozen loaf of bread on the counter. I wished more than anything else in the world, that I could believe her.
‘I’m sure I will agree with you one day. Just not now, Mum.’
‘I know. It will get easier, I promise you. One day you will look back on this experience with no emotional attachment and maybe even laugh.’ Her attempt at encouragement was a little early.
‘Fat chance.’
‘I’m serious. It’s amazing how time can heal things we thought would hang over our heads forever. Family support helps, too.’
She hugged me round the shoulders and I did feel a little better, but not much. Everything had become more confusing.
‘You know, when Roman brought you home …’ she said quietly.
‘Excuse me?’
‘From the party. He left it to bring you home. He called Dad and asked him to come get you both because you’d passed out. Dad thought you’d been drinking …’ she smiled at the memory.
‘I bet that went down well. So what else happened?’ I asked, curious, but worried if she told me I’d remember myself and everything would become unbearable again.
‘Well, he found you in the sand, out cold, so he carried you to the car park and waited with you until Dad arrived.
In the back seat you leant your head on Roman’s shoulder.
That is, until you got home.’
‘Oh no. What did I do?’ I had visions of me throwing up in his lap or abusing him.
‘Nothing horrible. It was quite sweet, in fact.’
‘Well?’
‘When Dad opened the door to pull you out into the cold, you woke up slightly, put your arms around Roman’s waist and said you didn’t want to go, that you liked being with Roman.’
My face burnt with embarrassment. It was a true statement, but I didn’t want the people who knew me the most to know about it.
‘I must have been pretty delirious,’ I said, trying to make it sound less real.
‘He was very worried about you, Daisy. What on earth happened between you two that night? He was worse than a father in a delivery room.’
I winced at the idea. ‘I ran away from the … scene … with Rach and Nate and saw him at the top of the big sand dune and, well, long story short, he introduced me to his new girlfriend.’ My head dropped at the last word.
‘What? Roman has a girlfriend? Since when?’
‘Your guess is as good as mine. He never told me. In fact, he hasn’t been talking to me for weeks.’
Mum’s eyebrows knit together. I frowned at her. ‘Oh it’s just Lyn. She asked me a while ago why you two weren’t hanging out and walking together to school like you normally do. I didn’t know either. I guess we know, now.’
This new knowledge made me sad. He didn’t even tell his mum he had a girlfriend. Who was she to him then? Maybe he was like Josh, after all his joking about his conquests, and Pam.
‘Never mind about the unknown now. It will come together one day. Talk to your brothers. They’ve been very worried about you. They act like meatheads but they do love you and want the best for you.’
Her warm hand patted mine; I put my other one over hers.
‘Yeah, yeah. I get sick of hearing, “I told you so” though.’
I put on a face. There was nothing worse than hearing you should have listened to me when you already knew it yourself. Allowing someone to retreat with dignity shouldn’t go out of fashion.
‘Believe it or not Daisy, I think they realise now isn’t the time to start with that. Treston was talking about going over to Nate’s house and bashing him,’ she laughed and I smirked. So much for him never interfering in our relationship. It was kind of sweet. ‘They are very protective of you and feel helpless when you’re hurting like this. Haven’t you noticed?’
Actually I had, but I was surprised. I hadn’t considered that angle seriously before.
‘I never thought they cared. They are so busy telling me what to do with my life it’s like the care factor gets sifted out.’
‘Don’t you get it? That’s how they show they care. You need to learn to read men better.’ She looked like she wanted to slap me across the head and knock some sense into me.
Thanks, Captain Obvious. ‘Will I ever get there, Mum? I’ve made a right mess so far.’
I imagined myself donned in a nun’s outfit, doomed to a life of abstinence and purity due to wayward sexual mishaps from my youth. I pushed the image back out of my head.
‘Of course you will. And when ‘the one’ reveals himself to you, you will know. I can guarantee it.’ She looked more sure than I felt.
‘Yeah? And what if I’m too stupid to know he’s the one and keep going after retards like Nate?’ It was highly possible if past behaviour predicted future behaviour, like Dr Phil always said.
‘Oh don’t worry. That won’t happen,’ she suddenly grinned. ‘There are many of us who’d stop you from being so stupid.’
‘So now you agree that I’m stupid?’ I asked her smugly.
‘You aren’t stupid, per se.’ She was serious again. ‘Some of your choices are a little silly. It’s part of being young. Don’t let it get you down. You are the best company and my favourite daughter.’
Dad was off the phone and walked back into the room. ‘What’d I miss?’
We ignored him.
‘I’m your only daughter, Mum,’ I said, rolling my eyes.
‘Doesn’t mean you’re any less of a favourite
to us,’ she giggled at Dad. It was an old joke between them and the nerds still laughed about it. ‘Go see your nanna. She misses you. And she’s worried about you.’
‘You told Nanna? Mum, that’s so embarrassing. How can I tell her anything?’ My heart dropped. I had nothing against Nanna. It was just awkward when we tried to talk about deep and meaningful stuff.
‘You’d be surprised what she has been through. She might have more words of wisdom than you think,’ she said meaningfully.
‘From three centuries ago,’ I muttered under my breath.
‘Daisy Renae.’ Mum slapped my forearm gently.
‘Fine,’ I groaned. ‘But not today. I’ve had enough of today already. I’m going back to my bed and …’
‘She’s expecting you at five.’
‘Mum!’
‘What?’ she asked innocently.
‘You’re so annoying,’ I slipped off the stool and walked off, calling back over my shoulder, ‘Just putting it out there.’
‘You’ll thank me for it one day. Come back here a minute.’
‘What now?’ I said, turning around.
‘Love you.’ She kissed me on the ear.
went to change. It was courtesy to put on some of the clothes Nanna bought me for our arranged visit. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Actually, I couldn’t remember a time when Nanna and I had talked about something particularly deep. She had helped me with the whole ‘girl turns woman’ talk when I was thirteen — how embarrassing — and a little about Ryder last year, but other than that it was always surface stuff. What could she bring from her experiences in medieval Europe to my life in the modern day, on my terms?
Apparently, a lot. I had been missing out on this side of Nanna.
She knew how to make someone feel better.
Food solves all problems.
It could save the world.
By the time I arrived, she already had out her best china. Set out on her outdoor setting was the prettiest white embroidered tablecloth I’d seen, filled with scones, cream, jam, hot chocolate, custard and apple pie. She ushered me to a chair and immediately started to fill my plate with goodies.
‘Comfort food for the lady.’
‘Wow, Nanna. You’ve gone to so much trouble for me. It really isn’t necessary …’ I began.
‘Nonsense,’ she used a slight tone to silence me. ‘Every woman at some point in her life, if she’s worth her salt, has had a broken heart by someone who didn’t deserve her in the first place.’
I shuddered at the thought. She didn’t notice.
‘I have, your mother has, and now you have. It’s not that it runs in the family, it’s that bastards are everywhere and they always manage to suck us in.’ She slapped down my plate in front of me and said fiercely, ‘Now eat.’
I stared at it miserably. My appetite had all but disappeared. ‘He’s not exactly a bastard, Nanna. I don’t know what to think about him right now but I can’t call him that.’ Picking up a dessertspoon, I waved it in front of me. ‘The best way to sum him up is that he’s a victim of his upbringing.’ And not having enough restraint to keep it in his pants.
Nanna was serving her own dessert. ‘Aren’t we all? We have choices, Daisy. We have an option in everything we do. The difference between him and others is that some people have enough foresight to predict the consequences of their actions and the impact our decisions will have on those we come into contact with more seriously. Obviously, this boy isn’t very adept in that way,’ she said with a disapproving look.
‘No, I guess not,’ I said. She had me thinking. ‘Does that make him a bad person?’
‘Not necessarily. I mean yes and no. Don’t talk anymore. Eat your food before it spoils.’ I don’t think she’s ever been so bossy with me. Strangely, it made me feel safer than I’d felt in a long time.
‘OK,’ I said in a small voice.
‘When I was your age, I met a gorgeous young fellow by the name of Gerard. He came from a wealthy political family, whereas I came from a lowly market farmer. We met by chance when my old little rust bucket of a car broke down on a main road. He was so charming and handsome that I fell for him instantly, although I tried not to show it so blatantly, as girls do today. Anyway, I told him I had to thank him for helping me with the car and demanded that one night the next week he come over for dinner for a home-cooked meal. He agreed and I warned my family he was coming.
‘Well, the day came and I was horribly excited. My food was perfect and the house was as clean as I could make it, without scrubbing the floorboards away. He got along so well with my whole family that I thought he must have dropped out of heaven just for me.’
I smiled at this comment. It was hard to believe love existed on the same level for me as it did sixty years ago.
‘He told me at the end of the night he would like to see me again, if I wanted to, and I fell in love with him then and there. We dated for six months; him taking me out to the theatres, walks along the valleys, me cooking for him at home, until he went away to war, the second world war, in Europe.
‘Before you ask questions, he was only gone for a year before he was sent home with a wounded leg. I waited for him faithfully and wrote him every day. I got a few letters back in the first little while and then I didn’t hear anything. He hadn’t proposed before he left, but he had promised that if I could wait for him he would come home and marry me properly. Well I waited and dreamt of our wedding day every night for a whole year. He wasn’t the same man when he got home. Don’t get me wrong. He didn’t have shell shock or anything like that, unlike many of his friends who fought in that war. He was distant, cranky and there was no more talk of marriage.
‘I tried to be patient with him and understand what he’d been through until, one night in the summer, he called me over to his house and broke it all off. Can you imagine the two reasons he gave me for not wanting to marry me?’
I stared blankly at her, but I could guess.
‘His parents didn’t approve, because my family wasn’t wealthy or prominent enough, was the first reason. I knew for a fact his mother loved me, but he knew my pride wouldn’t let me question that argument; I wasn’t from a rich family and I guess I did feel like he’d settled for second best while I was upgrading.
‘The second reason was that he was so lonely overseas and worried about his life that he sought solace with a French woman for a few months, near a village they were fighting to protect. He looked remorseful, yes, and did not give me the option of taking him back if I wanted to, which I didn’t. He then sent me on my way, without me being able to give him an insight into how I was feeling or the kind of anguish I felt while he was away. Did I hate him? For a while. It didn’t help me.
‘I thought that after him I’d never recover, never be able to find another man who touched my soul as much as him. I did. A few years later, I met your grandfather and I knew then that the pain I suffered over Gerard was worth it. It made me appreciate your grandfather so much more.’
I had stopped eating and given her my full attention half way through her story. The factual way she said it interested me. She still had a look of vulnerability, like she had to take herself back to that place in order to gather her feelings and memories and give them to me, to help me.
‘Wow. Why haven’t you told me any of your stories before, Nanna?’ I asked, gazing across the table at her with renewed respect.
‘You never asked, my dear,’ was all she said, before beginning to eat her own food.
began mid-year school holidays with determination. We were going to the snow as a family for a week and my goal was not to cry once, not to think about the people who had let me down and not to stop skiing until I made it down a slope without going it arse-up.
It was a big challenge and I wasn’t nearly prepared for it; but I’d try.
Josh, Treston and Shane came without a lady partner for the first time in goodness knows how long. So it was just the six of us in one cabin. We were going to
have a ball or kill each other trying.
The boys made a special effort to take care of me and not tease me. I could see them biting their tongues or looking meaningfully at each other when they had the opportunity to rip me off. I appreciated it, but I would go back to normal much quicker if they treated me as such.
One day, Dad came back to the cabin after being out alone. In his arms he gently carried a bunch of beautiful flowers, the buds ranging from orchids, to roses and daffodils. He handed them to me almost shyly and watched me marvel over their smell and colours. When I asked him what made me deserve such a thing, he said that every girl who has her heart broken deserved something pretty in her life. Then he said I shouldn’t make a habit of getting my heart broken as it might turn out to be quite an expensive gesture for him.
I laughed, as did the others, my eyes filled with tears, (remembering my vow not to cry) and thanked him from the bottom of my heart. Nate was right about one thing; I was incredibly lucky to have such a supportive family.
Mum and I had girl time. We hit the ski resort shops and checked out the latest snow fashions. We tried on stupid polka dot thermal pyjama pants and made funny faces with designer snow goggles. OK, I’m making it sound more glamorous than it really was, but who cares? I had Mum’s support and attention and she was helping to knit my heart back together, one shop at a time.
On the last night of the ski trip, Shane sat with me in front of the toasty fireplace. I could tell he’d been especially watching me these last few weeks and I’d worried him because I didn’t talk to him about what happened like I normally would. That night, like Mum and Dad not so long before that, he cornered me. I didn’t mind. Deep down I believed Shane and I held the same wavelength and level of emotional intelligence and could have easily been twins. His easygoing nature wasn’t a weakness; beneath it lay a gentle spirit, sensitive to people’s needs and feelings. Right then, he was the kind of person I needed.
Friendship on Fire Page 28