A man who had broken her heart so completely that she had run into the arms of the very next man who paid her any attention. The man she’d been forced to kill in her bedchamber.
Emotion she normally controlled welled up in her at that thought and she let out one soft sob before she rushed from the room, desperate for them not to see how much that name, how much this news, meant to her.
She hurried up the stairs and to her room, where she closed the door behind herself and then sank into a chair before her fire. She covered her face with her hands, but that didn’t stop her mind from turning, generating images that haunted her.
Images of the times she had run through the fields with Elise, her brothers and Asher, playing tag or hunting for frogs or pretending to be warriors on battlefields of old.
Those images gave way to later ones, when she’d followed Asher around, watching his every move as he helped his father, uncertain why her stomach flipped and her body tingled when he smiled at her.
And then there was the night of her coming out ball. Six long years ago, when she’d slipped away from the festivities, overwhelmed by her mother’s pressure to marry a high title with money to help overcome the financial situation their father had left the family in after his death. On the terrace, she’d found Asher, watching it all from a place hidden in the darkness.
She still remembered how he’d drawn her into the shadows, how his scent had filled her senses and his warmth had made her body heavy and hot. Had she kissed him or had he kissed her? It was so blurry now, just a heated exchange of mouths and tongues and passion that had been repressed for what felt like a lifetime.
She’d known then that she loved him. His position hadn’t mattered to her, his lack of funds hadn’t mattered. All that had mattered was that she was his. She always had been and she always would be.
Only the next day he had disappeared, without so much as a word to her of goodbye. Her heart had been shattered. It had never properly healed.
There was a soft knock at her door and then it opened to reveal the kind face of Gray’s wife Rosalinde. “May I come in?”
Felicity nodded and motioned to the chair beside hers. She couldn’t find words at present, but Rosalinde didn’t seem to mind. She just reached out and took Felicity’s hand, squeezing it gently.
“This must be so very overwhelming to you,” she said softly.
Felicity throat felt dry as sand as she choked out, “I have made a great many mistakes in my life. Marrying Barbridge was the greatest of them all. And now everyone I love is paying for it.”
Rosalinde tilted her head. “But that isn’t why you ran out of the room.”
“How much do you know about Asher?” Felicity swallowed.
“Not very much. Gray has mentioned him occasionally as the child of your father’s former valet. He was raised here with you for much of his life, it seems.”
Felicity managed to jerk out a nod. “Yes. Even after Father died, Seyton took on another role in the household and Asher stayed. He was…” She trailed off, unable to confess more when her heart hurt so much. “He was more a friend to my brothers than to me.”
“But you don’t want him here.” Rosalinde examined her closely.
Felicity pushed to her feet and paced away. “I don’t want anyone to know what I did.”
God, Asher would know what she did. He would look at her with the same pity and horror that her family had when the truth came out just a few weeks before. He would judge her and that light she’d always seen in his eyes would go out.
Not that that light had truly meant anything. It was obvious the feelings she’d experienced were only one-sided. Kiss or no kiss, she meant nothing to him and never had.
She couldn’t forget that.
“It sounds as though he might be able to help us, though,” Rosalinde said.
Felicity bent her head. “Even though we were in financial straits, our father made arrangements before his death to ensure Asher’s education was paid for. And I may not have seen him for a very long time, but I do know he’s become a highly sought after solicitor and financial advisor to those with titles. Stenfax is likely right that his experience could…help me.”
Rosalinde’s face brightened. “Then it is a risk we must take, isn’t it? And I’m sure he will not judge you as harshly as you still judge yourself.”
Felicity bit her lip as she turned away. Rosalinde just didn’t understand. Yes, she feared Asher’s judgment for what she’d done. But more than that, she feared the emotions seeing him could very well stir in her when she saw him. Things she knew were dangerous and foolish. Things she had to guard herself from at all costs.
Before she could answer, there was another knock at her door and she turned toward it with exasperation. “It’s like Hyde Park at the peak riding time. Yes?”
The door opened and Elise revealed herself in the hallway. Felicity’s stomach dropped. While Rosalinde didn’t fully understand the situation, Elise did. After all, she had run around with their family as children. She and Felicity had been best friends. Elise very likely remembered everything Felicity had told her about her feelings for the man who would now descend upon their house and rip apart the shell she’d built to protect herself.
“May I have a moment with Felicity?” Elise said softly.
Rosalinde glanced between the two women and then nodded. “Of course.”
She left the room swiftly and Elise stepped inside, shutting the door and leaning on it as she stared at Felicity.
“Still?” she said at last.
Felicity shut her eyes briefly. She knew exactly what her friend meant by that one-word question. “Yes,” she admitted. “Always. Even when I tried to forget.”
Elise let out a long sigh. “I see. Well, perhaps his coming will not be so bad as it seems. After all, Stenfax and I were reunited not so very long ago and look how it turned out. The past can be overcome, Felicity, no matter how dark it seems.”
Felicity caught her breath. “What if I don’t want to overcome it?”
Her friend’s eyes went wide. “What—what do you mean?”
“Asher broke my heart,” Felicity said, her voice trembling. “And I reacted so poorly, so foolishly, that I hurtled myself directly into the arms of a man who controlled, abused and tried to murder me. Clearly, the kinds of feelings Asher inspires are dangerous.”
“You were very young,” Elise whispered.
Felicity shrugged. “Perhaps. But I am not very young now and six years later, I still feel that ache when I even consider the man. That phantom pain, like someone took a limb from my body.”
Elise nodded slowly. “I understand that.”
Felicity felt hot blood rush to her cheeks. “I cannot afford to be weak, Elise. Not ever again. So if he comes here, there will be no reconciliation or overcoming a past.”
“There is no if about it,” Elise said. “Stenfax has arranged it. It is happening.”
Two reactions coursed through Felicity’s body at the verification of what she already knew would happen. The first was abject terror. Facing this man and all he had meant to her, letting him see the tender underbelly of her secret…that was horrible.
But the second feeling was worse. Excitement worked through her veins, making her heart flutter in anticipation and her body shake with the same.
She pushed both aside at once, hardening her heart as she had trained herself to do over the past six years of loss and abuse and fear.
“There is no talking Stenfax out of this?” Felicity asked softly.
Elise shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
“And when will Asher be here?”
“A week, perhaps less.”
Felicity set her shoulders back and clenched her fists at her sides. “Well, then I suppose I better ready myself.”
And she would. Except she knew in a tiny space of her heart, of her soul, that there was no way to ready herself for the storm about to come. She could only pray she would weathe
r it.
Chapter Two
Asher Seyton swung down from his horse and looked up at the dark and shadowy house that rose up before him. It had been six years since he last crossed the threshold up those eight stone stairs. Six long and sometimes lonely years that were haunted by memory and longing he’d never been able to suppress.
Now he was back and he’d have to face those feelings again. Fully.
A servant came rushing down from the outbuildings to take his horse. Asher blinked as the young man gave him a smart bow and murmured something about taking care of the animal. He’d held that same job once. He’d held many jobs on this estate while growing up here.
“Thank you,” he said before he began to take those eight stairs two by two. At the top, he was greeted by a familiar face, that of Taylor, the same butler who had served here during his father’s time as the last Earl of Stenfax’s valet.
“Mr. Seyton,” Taylor said with a wide and very welcoming smile. “My goodness, it is good to see you again.”
“And you, Taylor. You haven’t aged a day.”
Taylor arched a brow and shook his head. “You flatter, sir.”
Asher shifted at being called sir by a man who’d once boxed his ears. A man who had also taught him how to execute a formal bow just like the one the boy had directed his way just a few moments before.
“You are up late,” Asher said, shaking off the strange feelings that mobbed him. “It is after midnight.”
“Lord Stenfax received your message that you would be arriving very late tonight,” Taylor explained as he stepped back and motioned Asher toward the foyer. “I volunteered to greet you.”
Asher caught a breath as he entered the foyer. The house looked exactly the same as he remembered it. Beautiful, fine, but still welcoming. Rather like the family who had resided here for generations. A family that had allowed him to sometimes be part of it.
Until…
Well, there was no use thinking of that. Not when he was…home? It oddly felt like home to him.
“It was kind of you to do so,” Asher said, and noticed that Taylor now had his hand out. “Er?”
“Your hat, sir? And your coat?” Taylor said.
Asher shifted as he removed those things. “I am accustomed to this, of course, but not from a man I once called sir,” he said with a laugh. “Is there no way for us to go back to a less formal interaction?”
Taylor’s face softened. “You’ve made good of yourself, Mr. Seyton. You should embrace all that comes with. In the end, there is no going back, only forward.”
Asher swallowed. Yes, those were good words and ones for him to keep in mind as he made his way through the tricky maze he would surely find here. After all, he’d been called under mysterious circumstances. Stenfax hadn’t been explicit in his explanation of why Asher was needed so desperately. He had only written:
Felicity is in some trouble.
After that, nothing else had mattered. It would have taken being drawn and quartered for Asher not to make it here as soon as he could manage.
“How is your father, Mr. Seyton?” Taylor asked, drawing Asher’s attention back to the present.
He smiled. “Well, thank you for asking. His hands bother him a bit, but he very much likes the sea air and the countryside that retirement affords.”
He kept his smile on his face and did not add that he sometimes felt his father was hiding out. For a long time during his childhood, he and his father had been separated, and Niall Seyton had never been the same after they were reunited. And soon after the…situation with Asher, his father had declared he was done with service and quit his duties here rather unexpectedly.
“That’s wonderful,” Taylor said. “When the family returns to London in the spring, perhaps I’ll have to take a day and make a call on my old friend.”
“He’d love it,” Asher said with a wider smile. “He’s only a day and a half away from here, you know. I intend to call on him whenever Stenfax releases me from this duty.”
Taylor’s face pinched a little and Asher stiffened. Whatever was happening with the family, it was clearly bad.
“Well, you must be exhausted after your long ride,” Taylor said. “A room is ready for you.”
“My old one?” Asher said with a grin. He wondered if his initials were still carved on the wooden beam by the window.
Taylor’s face twisted in something akin to horror. “Of course not, sir. You have a chamber prepared for you in the guest quarters. The Rose Room.”
Asher’s eyes went wide. He had never considered that he would be placed as a guest in the house he’d once served. And in the Rose Room, so named because it overlooked the gardens. It was the one of the best chambers in the guest side of the house.
“I see,” he said slowly.
“Shall I show you up?” Taylor asked.
Asher shook his head. “No, I remember where it is. You go to bed, Taylor.”
The butler seemed a bit uncomfortable with that idea but then nodded slowly. “Very well. The boy who took your horse will also bring your valise up and leave it by your door before he goes to bed. You’ll find it there in the morning.”
Asher smiled. “I remember performing that duty myself not so long ago. Good night.”
“Good night, sir.” Taylor gave one of his smart bows and left the foyer.
Asher stared around him once more, then sighed deeply. He was here so late, it seemed he would have one more sleepless night before he discovered the truth…before he faced Felicity again. He wasn’t certain if that fact made him pleased or frustrated. Both, perhaps. He needed the time to prepare himself, but he also longed to see her.
He took a deep breath and then climbed up the stairs. He’d slid down this banister once as a child, following behind the current Earl of Stenfax. Oh, how his father had railed on him for that. He’d reminded Asher he was allowed to pretend, but he wasn’t truly one of them.
Of course he wasn’t.
At the top of the stairs, he paused. Go left and he would find his way to the guest quarters and the Rose Room, where he could rest his head. Go right and he’d slip toward the family doors. He still knew Felicity’s by heart. How many days and nights had he passed by it and gotten a powerful thrill knowing she was just behind it? Wondering what she was doing or wearing. Or not wearing.
He would have moved to his room, but just as he allowed himself a quick peek down the hall, Felicity’s door opened and she, herself, stepped outside.
Asher nearly pitched over backward down the steep staircase at the sight of her. Her blonde hair was down in long waves around her shoulders and back, and she had a dressing gown tied tightly around her slender waist. Her feet were bare and she held a candle in her hand.
She turned toward him and her breath caught at the same moment their eyes met. Her expression brightened with a brief moment of pleasure and for a flash she looked just like the innocent, bright and happy girl he’d known and wanted all those years ago.
But then she swept that reaction away, her expression becoming guarded. And even from five feet away, even by candlelight and dim lamp light, he saw something that broke his heart.
He saw the hollow emptiness in her eyes. It was masked as bored sophistication, but he saw the truth.
“Asher,” she murmured as she took a long step toward him.
His body clenched at the sound of his given name formed almost in half-time from those full lips he’d only tasted once. Lips he still dreamed about, fantasized about.
Even now, his body lurched with want. His hands shook with the desire to stride across the short distance between them and sweep her up against him, feel her mold into his body until there was no space, no breath, nothing but her and him and them.
But it wasn’t six years ago and he understood life so much better now. What he wanted wasn’t possible. His father had said as much then, now Asher knew the truth.
A woman like Felicity was out of his reach.
“Hello, my lad
y,” he choked out, reverting to formality to protect him from desires.
It was all he could do, in the end.
Felicity stared across the dim expanse that stood between her and Asher and winced as he called her “my lady”. They’d never stood on such ceremony except in public before and this moment was most definitely private.
She might have thought she was dreaming. After all, she’d had many dreams like this one over the years where she found Asher in her hall or her garden or her bed. Except tonight he stood away from her, watching her but not making any attempt to touch her or get close to her.
And by God, but he was handsome. He’d left this house at twenty-five, and then he’d been something to look at, something to desire. But six years had made him stronger, his jaw more angular, his eyes more focused. He had a shadow of scruffy facial hair and she felt the strongest urge to step up and rub her hand across it, her cheek.
She blinked and cleared her errant mind, hardening herself to her desires and to the distraction he embodied.
“You’re here,” she said, proud she could make her tone so cool and detached.
He nodded and took a step closer, testing her resolve. God, he was tall. She’d forgotten how tall he was.
“I am,” he whispered. “At last. It’s good to be…”
He trailed off, and she smiled softly. “Home?” she asked.
“Yes.”
She shivered slightly. Yes, this had always been his home. He’d come to this house at the age of nine and left it permanently at twenty-five. In some ways he belonged here as much as she did.
And right now they both felt like intruders.
“I do admit, though, that I don’t know what it is Stenfax wants, exactly,” he said.
She stiffened at that statement. He was watching her carefully, closely. Judging her. But the light wasn’t out of his dark brown eyes, nor was pity lingering in their depths. So he wasn’t lying. He didn’t know the truth, not even a fraction of the truth. She still had time.
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