Adored In Autumn

by Jess Michaels

  “I’m certain my brother will explain all to you soon enough.” She half-turned toward her chamber again. “Good night, Mr. Seyton.”

  His jaw stiffened slightly at her dismissal of him, but he didn’t press her or argue. He merely inclined his head. “Lady Barbridge.”

  She froze at the use of her title. He’d never called her by that name before. He’d never known her as the wife of that bastard. Now she felt marred by his voice saying that name. Damaged.

  She said nothing as she went back into her room and shut the door behind her. She leaned against the door for a moment and stared at the flame from her candle. It shook and danced because she was trembling, and she cursed as she crossed to her dressing table and set it down.

  Asher had always affected her. He still did. Only now she knew full well what those driving needs in her body were. Now she knew how dangerous they and he were to her.

  Was it possible she could still convince Stenfax not to tell him the truth? To send him away?

  She hadn’t broached the subject with her brother in the week since he first announced Asher was coming. Both he and Gray had been strangely quiet on the subject, probably thanks to the intervention of their wives.

  But if she told Lucien she didn’t want to see this man, that she didn’t want Asher to know her shame, would he listen? Would he set aside his desire to save her out of a need to protect her from her feelings?

  It might be worth trying. That would solve her Asher problem. Send him away without ever having to tell him the truth. Without ever having to watch his face change and hear the strain in his voice when he spoke to her.

  She would try tomorrow. One last ditch attempt to keep him at bay before the world came sliding down around her.

  With a sigh, she blew out her candle. She had intended to go down to the library to find a book to pass the time, but there would be no focusing on even the most engrossing story with Asher just down the other side of the hall from her. Undressing. Climbing into crisp sheets.

  She flopped down onto her bed with a groan. Damn it, why did she have to have these feelings? These needs when it came to him? Why couldn’t she feel as detached as she pretended to be?

  Life would be so much easier that way.

  But that was asking too much. Right now her body hummed with excitement at seeing the only man she’d ever wanted. It trembled with memories of his hands closing around her arms, his mouth slowly lowering to hers, his taste on a long ago night that almost felt like a dream rather than a memory.

  She sighed and let her hands slide down the apex of her body. There was only one thing she could do to release this tension. She pushed her nightgown up and placed the flat on her palm against the warm folds of her sex. She blushed to find them already wet. Asher did that to her without even touching her.

  Which proved she was weak to him. Too weak.

  She pushed those thoughts and all others aside, and focused instead on the warm rush of tingling sensation that flooded her body as she began to grind her hand against her body. She closed her eyes, letting her mind take her on a fantasy. The same fantasy as always, and it starred the man she had just encountered in the hallway.

  A fantasy back on the terrace that long ago night. Except instead of just kissing her, he drew her back into the shadows. Lifted her skirts up and touched her. Then took her, his strong arms supporting her as he pressed inside her willing body. His face straining as he thrust over and over again until she shattered.

  She lifted her hips with a muffled grunt as wave after wave of pleasure washed over her. With a sigh, she pushed her night rail back down. Many nights that self-pleasure helped, but tonight the ache between her legs lingered, taunting her and torturing her. Because Asher was here.

  And until he was gone, she was going to keep wanting what she couldn’t have. Regretting what she had lost. And wishing for a different path that didn’t exist.

  Chapter Three

  Felicity smoothed her skirts and took a step forward as her older brother came down the stairs the next morning. Stenfax’s brow wrinkled when he met her at the bottom, and leaned in to brush a distracted kiss against her cheek.

  “You’re up early,” he said.

  She folded her arms. “That’s because I know you’re always up early. If I was going to talk to you privately, this was a good option.”

  “I see.” He glanced down the hallway toward his office and then motioned at the parlor. “Why don’t we go in here and talk?”

  She followed him into the chamber, shutting the door behind them. He arched a brow. “Should I have breakfast readied early?”

  She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

  He frowned at that statement, but didn’t challenge her on it. Instead, he offered her a seat and took a place across from her once she had taken it.

  “You are obviously serious in whatever you have to say. So what is it?” Stenfax asked.

  Felicity hesitated. She had been practicing these words all morning and yet they still didn’t seem right. But she had no choice so she plowed forward. “I know that Asher arrived last night.”

  Stenfax arched a brow. “He did,” he admitted. “Very late. News gets around fast, it seems.”

  Felicity ignored that statement and refused to share that she had bumped into the man outside her door. That felt very personal and she didn’t feel like making it common knowledge.

  “I know you brought him here out of the best impulses,” she continued. “And I appreciate how seriously you are taking my…tenuous position. But Stenfax, I must tell you, I don’t want him here.”

  Her brother blinked and there was no denying the surprise on his face as he stared at her. “You don’t?”

  “No,” she insisted, leaning forward. “It is bad enough that our entire family and even a few people who are little more than strangers know of my…history. Of what I did. I cannot take one more person knowing the truth. Especially Asher.”

  Stenfax cleared his throat and reached out to take her hand. He met her eyes with his dark stare and whispered, “And this has nothing to do with the fact that you once carried a tendre for Asher?”

  Felicity caught her breath. As children, Asher had been a sometime playmate to Gray and Stenfax, as well as to her and Elise. When he was allowed to play with them, she knew her brothers had considered him a friend. She had been careful that they never guessed her feelings for the man. Only Elise had known. She pursed her lips as the pieces fell into place.

  “So because you are now married, Elise and you share a mind?” she asked, unable to keep the annoyance from her voice.

  Stenfax shifted and a flash of pleasure crossed his face. Felicity couldn’t begrudge him that. After all, Elise and Stenfax had been separated when Elise was blackmailed thanks to Felicity’s secret. Another point of deep guilt that Felicity now had to carry with her.

  “Not a mind,” he said. “A heart. It wasn’t a betrayal, Felicity. Elise and I have vowed not to ever keep secrets from each other again. She told me because the fact that you once cared for Asher became important.”

  Felicity set her jaw. It was impossible to be angry at what had been done, knowing her brother and Elise’s past. But she still wished Stenfax didn’t know her feelings.

  “Whatever you think you know, it doesn’t matter,” Felicity said with a frown. “And it changes nothing about what I’ve said. I don’t want him here.”

  Stenfax let out a long sigh. “But he is here, dearest. He is here and he can help us, so as much as I hate to hurt you, the fact is that I will do it in order to save you.”

  Felicity pulled her hand from his and folded her arms. “That isn’t fair, Lucien. This is my life, shouldn’t I get some say in it?”

  “Of course. But I know from personal experience that sometimes feelings cloud judgment. Right now you are letting whatever was in the past between you and Asher do just that. It’s my job to protect you from hurting yourself if you can’t do it.”

  She got to her f
eet and walked away. “I’m not hurting myself,” she murmured.

  He got up too and followed her. “If you won’t do it for yourself, then I have something else for you to consider. Something I hate to bring up at all, but I think it must be addressed.”

  Her lips parted, for his face looked suddenly grave. “What is it?”

  “Sometime in the not too distant future, I’m certain Gray and Rosalinde will want to have children. As will Elise and I. If your past is revealed thanks to this book, it won’t only hurt you, Felicity.”

  She recoiled as his meaning became clear. Her hand lifted to her throat and it felt like it was closing as tears rushed to her eyes. “I’ve thought of this, you know. That my stubbornness, my past, my actions, could hurt our family. Your families. Children who aren’t even born yet.”

  Stenfax’s expression held no pleasure as he watched her blink at those unwanted tears. “I know you wouldn’t want that.”

  She blinked furiously, still fighting tears. “It’s so cruel to bring that up, Lucien.”

  He nodded. “I know it is. I hate doing it, but I see you balling up inside yourself, trying to pretend that we can ignore this away. We can’t. If you won’t save yourself, save those nephews and nieces that you haven’t met yet. Save your own children.”

  She flinched. “I will never have children,” she whispered as she turned away and moved to the window. She stared with unseeing eyes for what felt like an eternity, pondering what her brother had said. Pondering the stakes for everyone she loved, as well as herself.

  Finally, she turned back and found Stenfax simply waiting patiently for her response. “I love you, you know that,” he said.

  She bent her head. “I know you do. And you are right, of course. I cannot only think of my own selfish desires. You truly think Asher could help?”

  “Yes,” Stenfax said softly. “As does Dane, and he knows best about such things.”

  “Then there is nothing else to be done,” she said with a shuddering sigh. “God help me, there is nothing else to be done at all. He must be told and his help obtained.”

  Stenfax’s face relaxed a little. “Thank you, Felicity. I promise you that I will tell him with as much sensitivity to your thoughts and feelings as I can and—”

  She took a long step toward him. “No, Stenfax. Absolutely not.”

  He wrinkled his brow. “I’m confused. You just said he should know.”

  “Yes, he should know. And he will know. But I am going to be the one to tell him.”

  His lips parted. “Felicity…”

  “It is my secret, Lucien. Mine and only mine. If it must be told to so many people, I want to be the one who controls how it happens. It may sound foolish to you, but this is hard enough without knowing that you and Asher are standing behind a closed door, clucking your tongues and pitying me.”

  Stenfax’s nostrils flared slightly. “I have never pitied you, Felicity, I assure you.”

  “And if I am the one who tells him, then neither will he. I’ll make sure of it,” she said, though she didn’t feel half as confident as she somehow sounded. Inside she trembled at the idea of not only facing Asher again, but of having to find the words to explain herself once more.

  Stenfax sighed heavily. “Do you want me to be with you, at least, when you do this?”

  She shook her head. “No. I must do it alone. In my own way.”

  He was silent a moment, and she clenched her fists as she waited. Lucien had never been one to hold lord and master over anyone’s head, but he certainly had every right to if he felt he was protecting her by doing so. But at last he nodded. “Very well, Felicity. If this is what you want, I would not deny your right to do so. But so you know, Asher is in my office right at this moment, awaiting my arrival so I can have this very conversation with him.”

  Felicity couldn’t hold back a gasp. Now Stenfax’s furtive glance down the hall when he first encountered her made perfect sense. “He waits for you right now?” she repeated, hardly able to form the words with her shaking voice.

  “I can put him off or—”

  She held up a hand. “No. There is no time like the present. The sooner he knows, the sooner he can provide whatever service he is able and the sooner he will go. I’ll go talk to him.”

  Stenfax moved to her and closed his hands around her upper arms gently. “Don’t be so quick to dismiss all help, Felicity. From your family or from old friends. We are here for you.”

  She nodded even though his words felt so hollow to her ears. In the end, she knew no one could truly save her, no matter how much they wanted to. She had to live with what she’d done, whether external consequences came or not.

  No one could change that.

  “I should go speak to him,” she said, extracting herself from her brother’s gentle embrace and giving him a false smile. “When I have finished, I will have word sent to you so you may come and do the same yourself.”

  Stenfax still didn’t look certain, but he nodded. “As you wish, Felicity.”

  She slipped from the room, leaving him staring a hole in her back, and slowly walked the short distance up the hall toward her brother’s office. Every step felt like one to her doom, like she was going to the very gallows everyone was working so hard to help her avoid.

  She stopped at Stenfax’s door, hesitating at the barrier as she drew a few long breaths to calm herself. Finally, she opened it and stepped inside.

  Asher was leaning against the mantel on the fireplace, watching the flames. She caught her breath just as she had the night before. In the daylight, he was even more handsome than he had been in half-light. He had shaved, so his angular jaw was more defined, his full lips infinitely more kissable.

  He turned toward her and his dark eyes lit up with surprise, but she also thought a hint of pleasure. The second made her toes curl in her slippers and she fought with all her might to control the unwanted reaction.

  “Felicity,” he said, then shook his head. “I’m sorry—Lady Barbridge. I wasn’t expecting you.”

  She stiffened at his formal address of her. How she hated it, just as she had the night before. But she was also grateful for it, because it shook her out of her fog of attraction for this man and made her remember exactly what she was here for.

  She closed the door behind her and took a step toward him as she hardened her face, hardened her voice, hardened her heart.

  “I realize you were expecting Stenfax,” she said. “But plans have changed.”

  “Plans?” he said, tilting his head slightly. “What plans do you have for me, my lady?”

  There was a hint of teasing to his tone. An underlying kindness and boyish charm that almost melted her heart. She couldn’t let it.

  “If it were up to me, Asher, there would be no plans,” she said through gritted teeth. “You see, I don’t want you here.”

  Asher heard Felicity’s words, spoken in the cold, formal tone of a woman brimming with disdain for him. But her voice and her words didn’t move him as much as her expression did. Under the coldness, under the stiff formality, he saw pain slashed across her face, unmistakable in her eyes. And he couldn’t help but think of a time when all she’d had in those same eyes was bright innocence.

  Something had happened to her. Something far more terrible than what her brother had hinted at. This wasn’t mere trouble—this was utter devastation.

  His heart broke for her. “If you don’t want me here, Felicity, then why am I?” he asked, his tone soft, he hoped soothing.

  Her eyes fluttered shut when he said her given name. He could tell how much the intimacy of its use affected her. It affected him, as well.

  But this wasn’t about him.

  She opened her eyes and stared at him, holding his gaze evenly, almost defiantly. “What do you know about my life after you left?”

  She emphasized the last word and he stiffened. Her subtle accusation was not something he appreciated. Nor deserved, at least in his mind. But now was not the ti
me to argue or explain that.

  “After you married, not much,” he admitted. He did not admit that after her marriage, he hadn’t wanted to know much. It hurt too much. “My father left the service of your family so soon after, I was cut off from most information.”

  Her expression softened slightly. “How is your father?”

  He drew back at her unexpected veer from the subject at hand, but he shrugged. “He has a nice little cottage about a day and a half’s carriage ride from here and is well, despite the pain in his hands.” He leaned closer. “But you are stalling, Felicity.”

  Her lips pinched at his accusation. “Yes, I suppose I am.”

  He had a strong urge to reach out and place a hand on her arm. To let his strength and his warmth comfort her because she clearly needed it right now. But that wasn’t his place. His father’s words from six years ago echoed in his head.

  You must see now, you aren’t one of them.

  Touching her would not be welcome. Worse, touching her would make everything so much harder for him. She was already an almost undeniable temptation as it was and she was standing five feet away.

  “You can tell me,” he said softly. “I won’t judge you.”

  “You can’t promise that,” she said, her tone sharp. Then her shoulders rolled forward. “But I said I would tell you, so I suppose I must. You mentioned my marriage. That is why Stenfax asked you here.”

  Asher stared at her, brow wrinkling in confusion. “Your marriage? You’ve been a widow for years, Felicity—my understanding is that all the legal threads have been tied up. What in the world could my coming here have to do with your marriage?”

  She bit her lip and her chest lifted faster, as if she were having a hard time catching her breath. He saw the fear in her eyes, the pain as she clenched her hands at her sides.

  “Everyone believes my husband died in a hunting accident,” she whispered, her voice rough and so low he had to move closer to fully understand her. “But…but it isn’t true, Asher.”