One he wasn’t certain could be resolved, no matter what Dane said about it. No matter what he, himself, wanted more than anything else in the world.
Some things weren’t meant to be. And he feared he and Felicity were one of them.
Chapter Nineteen
“Are you well?”
Felicity looked across the carriage to find Asher staring at her, concern in his eyes. She forced a smile. “You ask me? You were the one who was injured because of me, threatened because of me.”
“You were the one with a gun to your head,” he said softly, his voice cracking ever so slightly. “I was terrified when he had you. Absolutely terrified.”
Her eyes went wide at that admission. Most men didn’t own their fear, didn’t claim it, even in the worst of situations. “But I’m fine.”
“Are you?” he asked, reaching out to touch her hand. His fingers were warm and strong against her flesh and she shivered as she took in some of his strength, some of his support.
Even if she knew it was fleeting.
“I don’t know what to feel,” she admitted. “Happy, of course, that this is over, but look at all the damage I’ve done. To my late husband’s family, to my own…to you.”
He drew a deep breath and leaned even closer, making her think of those stolen, passionate moments in this same carriage not so long ago. But this time, he didn’t seem driven to pleasure her. The look in his eyes was far more intense than that. Far more terrifying.
“Felicity, I would have died for you if it were required. Without a second thought. You understand that, don’t you?”
She caught her breath as her love for him washed over her in hard, insistent waves. But that love had always been colored by desperation, scarred with disappointment, tinged with loss. She didn’t know how to feel the love without the rest.
All she knew was that today had made her realize she couldn’t live in fear anymore. She had to say exactly what she meant, what she felt, she had to be brave. Otherwise, she would surely lose this man again and this time there would be no going back.
She caught her breath. “H-how can I understand that, Asher? How can I when I’ve…I’ve always loved you. And I’ve also never known what I meant to you in return.”
His face twisted with emotion, pain and surprise, passion and love, but also reluctance. The last was what had always kept them apart.
“I’m going to ask you,” she continued. “What am I to you, Asher Seyton?”
Her hands shook in her lap as she awaited his response. For what felt like forever he simply stared at her. Then he let out a long, heavy sigh and sank back against his seat.
“Everything,” he said. “You are everything and you always have been. I left because…because…”
“Because your father intervened?” she said when he seemed to be searching for words. “Was that all it took?”
“No,” he said. “My father did confront me the night I kissed you, as I already told you. And I suppose it was in some ways because of him that I left. But not for the reasons you think.”
She rested her head back in exhaustion. “You are speaking in riddles. Can you not just tell me?”
He shifted. “It wasn’t my father who saw us on the terrace that night, Felicity.”
She drew back. “Then…then who? Another servant who told?”
“No,” he said, his voice soft. “It was your mother.”
She straightened up slightly, gaping at him in confusion. “My—my mother?”
He nodded. “Yes,” he said. “She went to my father, livid, and told him what she’d seen. When I was confronted that night, it was by both of them. My father did remind me of my place, but it was your mother who demanded I leave. She gave me two options. Leave with an education she would pay for, or leave with my father in tow, and no references. But either way, leave.”
His words crushed through her and for a moment she couldn’t remember how to breathe. She stared at Asher, picturing that night in her mind, imagining how awful it must have been for him.
She didn’t want to believe her flighty, well-meaning mother could be so cruel. She didn’t want to think her own mother could destroy her dreams without a second thought.
But as she looked into Asher’s eyes, she saw the truth.
“She…she wanted me to marry well,” she finally choked out. “Because of our financial position. She was desperate, but I never thought she’d…she’d…do something so awful. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Asher reached out to her. “Felicity, this is why I didn’t tell you. I know how close you are. With everything you’ve been through, I didn’t want you to know how far she’d gone.”
She covered her face with her hands. “She went to the ends of the earth to obtain my security, at the expense of my happiness. At the expense of yours.”
“I was very angry that night,” he said. “With her, with my father. When I left, I didn’t write him for weeks. But I enjoyed my studies and found success. In the end, I convinced myself that what she’d done was for the best. After all, you married well, or so it seemed, and I was able to have a life I never could have imagined as a boy training to be a servant.”
She bent her head. “So you didn’t regret leaving.”
“Every day,” he said softly. “Every time I dreamed of you, I regretted it. Every time I thought I heard your voice, I ached. I regretted it every day. And it turned out, so did my father. His guilt over it was part of why he quit your family’s service less than a year later.”
Felicity nodded. “I was gone by then, but I was surprised when I heard that Seyton had left our employ. His hands, he told my brother.”
“And that was part of it. But part was…he said something strange to me. That he’d lost enough thanks to those in rank. And he was sorry he’d let me lose something too.”
She wrinkled her brow, also not understanding those words. But she did understand one thing as she traced through the timeline of their situation.
“My husband died three years ago,” she said softly. “I had some autonomy then. And you had success. You could have come to me at any time in those years and explained yourself to me. You could have told me the truth.”
He pressed his lips together. “I didn’t think I deserved you, Felicity. I was older then, I had experienced more of the world. I had seen others try to make such a disparate match work and fail, to the great pain of all involved. I told myself you had moved on. I told myself that you had forgotten me.”
“But I hadn’t,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I never did. And I never gave a damn about your rank, Asher. Not when you were a servant’s son. Not when you were a successful solicitor. Not if it turned out you were in line for a damned dukedom. I wanted you. And I would have done anything to have you.”
“You were braver than I was,” he said after a pause that seemed to fill the carriage. “You always were, Felicity.”
She stared at him, this man she loved. He made no excuses, but he also made no promises. She was everything to him, he claimed, but he’d been willing to walk away. She could forgive that the first time. He’d been threatened and he’d felt he had no choice.
But since then? And now?
“Asher,” she began, but the carriage began to slow as she said his name.
They were pulling into her mother’s driveway. She could see her family coming down, Stenfax leading them, her mother just behind. The mother she would have to deal with, along with everyone else.
“This will have to wait,” she said softly, meeting his gaze. “But we are not finished with this discussion.”
“I agree,” he said. “There is so much more to say, Felicity. But for now just know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
She heard those words and the sincerity behind them. And somehow…it helped. Because he helped. And she wasn’t ready to let that go, even as the door to the carriage opened and she stepped out into the family that would have to process everything that had happened to them. A
nd everything that was still to come.
Asher couldn’t keep his eyes off Felicity as she took Stenfax’s arm and allowed him to lead her into the parlor. The rest of the family followed, including Lady Stenfax, who tossed Asher the same furtive glances she always had since his return. The ones that said guilt and regret and shame.
Celia and Dane took up the rear of their group. He had arrived on horseback just moments after the carriage had. And their friend was pale as they settled into their places.
Stenfax sent a side glance to his mother and then said, “Is everything…resolved?”
Dane didn’t speak for a moment and Asher stepped forward. “Yes,” he said. “The item we were seeking has been found.”
There was a collective relief in the room, save from Lady Stenfax, who still looked confused. “You have all been entirely odd,” she said. “Does anyone want to tell me what is going on?”
Felicity released her brother’s arm and moved toward her mother. Asher couldn’t read her expression. Years of protecting herself and hiding her feelings had served her well in that arena. She slowly looked at her brothers, then back to their mother.
“You and I will have a chat in a little while, Mama, and I will explain everything to you. And you will do the same for me. For right now, just know that we’re…safe. Thanks to John Dane. And thanks to Asher.”
Her mother jerked her gaze toward Asher and he held her stare calmly. “Felicity,” she whispered.
“Will you meet me in the music room in half an hour?” Felicity asked. “I promise you I’ll explain everything at that time.”
For a moment, Lady Stenfax blinked, staring around the room. Then she got up. “Very well. I’ll see you there shortly.”
She left the room, face pale and expression worried. Once she had departed, Dane walked over and shut the door. He faced the group with a dark expression.
“What happened?” Celia asked, sliding toward him like she was moving on an injured animal. She took his hand cautiously. “Please tell me.”
“Your grandfather had bought Felicity’s secrets, along with his own,” he said.
Rosalinde had been standing with Gray, and now she jolted forward, her eyes wide. “Just as we feared.”
“He wanted to hurt you,” Asher said when it was clear Dane was struggling to continue. “To hurt this family to get to you.”
Celia bent her head. “That bastard. But…but how did you manage to retrieve the pages missing from the book from him? I cannot imagine he would give them up willingly.”
Dane swallowed hard. “I-I killed him.”
Rosalinde gasped and Celia’s hand jerked away from her husband to cover her lips. “Oh no.”
“You did not kill him!” Felicity gasped. “He was holding a gun to my head, and when you confronted him with the consequences of his actions, he killed himself.”
Dane shook his head. “I was trained. I should have been more careful.”
Felicity lifted her chin and Asher saw her strength, her kindness, all that she was and all he had ever loved.
“You are not responsible,” she insisted. “Just as I wasn’t when it came to Barbridge.”
Asher caught his breath at that admission and the peace that came over her face when she said it.
Celia slid an arm around Dane, and Asher saw him buckle a little in relief that she would still touch him. That vulnerability was unexpected and yet it was…beautiful. Celia stared into his eyes, kindness and love and forgiveness all over her face.
“Of course you had no choice in anything you did, my love,” Celia said softly.
“Of course he didn’t,” Rosalinde agreed as Gray stepped up to take her hand. “He was a runaway carriage, always on the path to destruction.” She turned toward Felicity. “But what were you doing there, Felicity?”
“I went there hoping I could reason with him,” Felicity said. “And of course I couldn’t. I’m sorry, Celia, Rosalinde. Perhaps if I had no involved myself he would still be alive.”
“No,” Celia said with a sigh. “As Rosalinde said, he has been on a path to destruction for years now. His anger, his hate, his sense of being betrayed and entitled have only grown with the years.”
“And he…” Dane shifted. “He was committing war crimes. I found out a week ago, but wanted to be certain before I told you. Even if he hadn’t killed himself, he would have been arrested. Perhaps even hanged.”
Celia turned toward Rosalinde, and for a moment the sisters’ grief was palpable. And even though it wasn’t his place, Asher felt a strong urge to gather them both close, to comfort them as family.
“Well, at least this way the news can be controlled so it doesn’t hurt our family,” Rosalinde said. “What does Stalwood say?”
Dane set his jaw. “That it appears the gentleman had a tragic accident. So yes, it is taken care of.”
Celia drew a shaky breath. “Were you able to recover the pages from the diary that were about…about my grandfather’s secrets?”
Dane nodded. “Yes. I got everything he had. And if you want to come with me, both of you, we could look over them now and I’ll try to break the code.”
Celia gripped Dane’s hands. “Do you think we’ll discover our father’s identity?”
Dane smiled, the first time he had done so since the confrontation at Gregory Fitzgilbert’s. “I hope so, my love.”
Gray took Rosalinde’s arm. “Let’s go then.”
The two sisters and their husbands left the room, leaving only Stenfax, Elise, Asher and Felicity behind. Stenfax stepped forward and bent his head to look into his sister’s eyes.
“It was a foolish thing to do,” he said softly, sternly.
She nodded. “Of course it was. A very desperate thing, indeed. But Asher and John saved me. And now that John is looking over those pages, we will know for certain that this is over once and for all.”
Stenfax’s relief was plain on his face and he caught Felicity’s hand. “Are you going to tell Mama?”
Her lips pursed. “I think the secrets in this family have done enough damage. I will tell her, as long as you don’t object.”
Stenfax looked back over his shoulder at Elise, and she smiled before she stepped up to join him. She slid her hand through the crook of his arm and leaned her cheek against his shoulder.
In that moment, Asher saw the true brightness of their happiness. And he saw his own future in a flash before his eyes. With Felicity. At peace, in love, happy. If Elise and Stenfax could find it, certainly so could they, couldn’t they?
“You are right that secrets created quite the mess in all our lives,” Stenfax said. “If you wish to tell her the truth, that is your right and I wouldn’t dare deny it to you.”
“Good,” Felicity said, leaning up to kiss his cheek and then Elise’s. “Asher and I will go to her now.”
Asher caught his breath. “Me?”
She nodded as she turned back toward him. For the first time since he returned to her, there was a brightness to her face. An expression that put him to mind of the innocent, happy girl he’d loved all those years ago. Some piece of her had been reborn today. And he loved her all the more for it.
“Mama’s secrets had to do with both of us,” she said. “And I would like you to be there when everything is at last in the open.”
He caught his breath, for he understood the full weight of that request.
Stenfax wrinkled his brow. “There is obviously more going on here than I thought. But you and Asher go speak with Mama. I’ll make sure you’re sent for when Dane breaks the code.”
Felicity took Asher’s arm, sending the usual jolt of awareness through him that had never changed in all these years, except to increase in intensity. They turned to leave the room, but Stenfax spoke before they could.
“Asher.”
They turned back and Asher met his old friend’s gaze. Stenfax smiled slightly. “Take care of my sister.”
“He always does,” Felicity answered for him, s
queezing his arm gently.
Asher said nothing more and took her from the parlor and toward the music room, where it felt like everything would end and perhaps everything would begin too. He wasn’t certain he was ready for either.
Felicity fought to catch her breath as they entered the music room and found her mother sitting at the pianoforte, playing. As they stepped inside, Lady Stenfax stopped and got to her feet. There was tension over her usual calm face.
“I have waited for you, cut away from the rest of the family, as you wished,” her mother said softly.
Felicity glanced up at Asher, taking strength in his presence before she released his arm and moved toward Lady Stenfax. “I wasn’t trying to cut you away,” she said. “Only keep you from being utterly confused. I’m going to tell you something now and I think everything will make sense.”
Lady Stenfax shifted. “Felicity…”
Her mother sounded afraid and Felicity’s heart softened to her slightly. How often had Lady Stenfax had that same tone to her voice over the years? Felicity remembered it during the years her father had recklessly gambled away their fortune. She recalled it at his death when the damage he’d done had been fully revealed. She’d heard it during ruin and despair. She’d heard it when her mother encouraged her again and again to “marry well”.
In some ways, her mother’s fear had been a constant refrain in her life. Had it colored all Felicity had done? All she’d said? She didn’t know. All she knew in that moment was that she was tired of fear. Her own and everyone else’s.
She drew a deep breath. “I told you a little while ago about how my husband abused me,” she said.
Lady Stenfax dashed her gaze toward Asher. “Should we speak of this in front of…” She trailed off.
Felicity clenched a fist at her side. “In front of who, Mama? My friend? My dearest, closest friend in all the world? The person I trust above all others?”
Lady Stenfax’s eyes fluttered shut a moment, like she was digesting that statement. “Yes, you were always close to Asher. Of course, I’m sorry.”
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