I started cooking a big breakfast to cap off the end of the week. It gave Mama the chance to sleep in and made the girls happier than cold cereal. Plus I liked experimenting with different recipes and ideas of my own. Cinnamon pancakes with baked-in nectarine slices proved less tasty than I’d hoped, but bacon waffles were a surprise hit. One Sunday in July a neighbor woman came by with six jars of strawberry preserves from her summer pantry. I remembered her and her husband from church, and even though we were set to move in less than a month, I figured it was smart not to burn too many bridges.
You let your mama know we’re praying for her, sweetheart, and hope she feels better real soon. We miss seeing you all at service.
The next Sunday I tried putting her preserves to good use. I’d seen an old movie on TV where a French cook made these thin pancakes with fruit rolled up in the middle, but my own attempts didn’t turn out half as fancy. No matter how little batter I used in the pan, they were too thick and heavy to roll up properly. They ended up breaking apart and oozing strawberry like bloody road-kill. And the cakes the French dude made were so light and fluffy he could flip one in midair and catch it on the griddle. Made it look easy too.
They taste good, Jessie said.
I know. Just wish they’d come out looking better.
I took a napkin to Gracie’s face so the jam on her cheeks wouldn’t dribble onto her clothes. Walking back to the stove, I caught sight of something peculiar through the kitchen window. Jessie, I said. Come here a sec.
What is it?
I lifted her above the sink and pointed out at the driveway. You ever see that car around here before?
No. Who is it?
I don’t know. You remember what to do if someone tries to get inside?
Lock the doors, take Gracie to Mama’s room, and call the sheriff.
And what else?
She lowered her eyes and thought a moment. Call Tyler or one of the other foremen and tell him to come over quick.
Good girl. Now stay here with Gracie and keep an eye out.
The dusty black Mitsubishi hadn’t moved since I started watching it. The glare of the morning sun on the windshield made it impossible to know if there was even someone inside, watching our house, or if some drunkard had mistook our driveway for an empty ditch and left the car there overnight. I stepped out onto the porch with one of Mama’s American baseball caps pulled down low over my forehead. Almost immediately the driver’s side window slid down and a small hand was waving at me. I pulled the cap off and ran down the steps and across the gravel drive. Dawn got out of the car and laughed as I ran into her arms.
I wasn’t sure anybody was at home, she said. Must’ve spent ten minutes deciding whether or not to knock on the door.
It’s so good to see you, I said. And I wasn’t being polite. Since Katie’s barbecue, I’d been thinking about the other wives and their kids nonstop. It was strange how one massive secret could make you feel closer to near-strangers than to all the friends and neighbors you’d grown up with your whole life.
Good to see you too, Ellie. Is your mama at home? She and I need to talk.
She’s still in bed. Have you had breakfast yet?
The way she devoured my pancakes and eggs, I gathered Dawn hadn’t eaten a solid meal since leaving Merced. I poured her a second cup of coffee and went back to wiping down the counter. From the last time I saw her, she seemed somehow younger and more tired-looking at once. It took me a while to finally place it—she wasn’t wearing makeup.
These strawberries are great, she said. Can’t remember the last time I had them.
I folded the towel over the edge of the stove. Round here we call strawberries a lady crop, I said. County won’t subsidize em, so they’re mostly grown by women in small family gardens.
Dawn shook her head. So many things people used to take for granted are so hard to come by nowadays. When I was a kid we used to have a store in the neighborhood that sold factory-made fruit pies for a dollar apiece. Apple, chocolate, lemon, cherry. I don’t remember strawberry, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
Wish there was a store round here close by. It’s a pain having to go into town every time the milk runs out.
Least you grew up with it. Moving up here for me was like coming to a foreign country. Took years just to get used to the little differences.
You’re from L.A. originally?
Near about. We moved around a lot when I was little.
How come?
She shrugged. I was the same age as your sister Gracie. I forget most of it.
Whether she’d heard her name or not, Gracie came pattering into the kitchen like she’d been called. She hugged my leg and buried her face in denim. Shy as she was, it was going to be interesting to see how she adjusted to having so many people around all the time.
You already sold the farm in Merced. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?
Dawn set her fork down on the plate. I didn’t have anything or anyone to hold me to the place, she said. Just a lot of smashed dreams and a foreman I never felt comfortable talking to. So I filed the papers with the county the day after Katie’s party. I didn’t want to wait.
Mama will understand. At the very least, she’ll be glad some of the money’s been freed up for the co-op deposit. I gave her a smile as a show of goodwill, but right away it was clear something was off. She pushed her plate away and folded her hands in front of her face. She wasn’t crying yet, but the change in her breathing was enough to signal its approach. I touched her arm. It’s all right, I said. You can tell me.
She dabbed the skin beneath her eyes with a napkin. There’s no money, she said. The deposit on the farm is all gone.
I fixed her a glass of white wine mixed with orange juice and led her from the kitchen into the living room. If Mama got up then she got up, but in the meantime I needed to know what happened so I could figure out how to break it to her and the others. I let Dawn have the good sofa while I sat on the other one with Gracie on my lap, hiding the ripped cushion with my thighs.
I feel so stupid, Dawn said. After the barbecue, I let myself believe that everything was going to turn out fine, that for once I’d have some real stability in my life. I even started thinking up ways to make the co-op nice when we moved in. I wanted to surprise you kids with a swimming pool. Now I can’t contribute anything.
It’s okay. We’ll find a way to make it work. Just tell me what happened.
She picked her glass up off the coffee table and finished the rest of the drink in one go. Your daddy was borrowing against the farm, she said, panting. When I filed the release papers with the county, the balance of the deposit was nothing compared to what he had first put down. I figured there had to be some mistake. But then I checked with the ag office, and they showed me the receipts for all the times he took out loans over the past year. There must’ve been six or seven of them in total. And they all had his signature.
What was he using the money for?
I don’t know. I never knew about our finances. You must think I’m naïve, but understand that your daddy had a way of presenting himself that made me believe we never needed to worry about money. In the year we were married, he traded up cars twice. Anything I wanted, anything he thought I needed, it was mine. Clothes, furniture, appliances, food. Maybe that’s where all the money went. Keeping his young wife happy so I wouldn’t stray while he was gone.
I took her glass to the kitchen and fixed her another drink. Even with the wall separating us, I could still hear her gasping and sniffling from the other room. I waited a full minute before going back in, and this time I brought the bottle with me.
I want juice too, Gracie whined.
This is grown-up juice. And anyway, you had enough to drink with breakfast. Go find Jessie and ask her to play for a while.
Dawn watched her scamper off toward the back of the house. You’re really good with her, she said. And you’re a good daughter too.
I know how to look after neglected w
omen, I said. Comes with the territory.
She laughed above the rim of her wine glass before taking another sip. I am sorry for inconveniencing you all like this, she said. I’d planned on showing up at Katie’s place, but when I got to Reedley I was too scared and embarrassed to see her. I didn’t know where else to go when I remembered you guys lived down by Hanford.
Did you just get in this morning?
Last night. I didn’t want to barge in after dark, so I slept in the car.
You didn’t have to. It could’ve been three in the morning and we’d have still let you in.
That’s kind of you to say, but you can’t speak for your mama. And you can’t speak for the others. When they find out I’m broke, they’ll vote to cut me out of the co-op plan. Katie might show me some charity, but Jennifer won’t stand to see me involved without cash on hand. You remember how she was at the meeting. The rest of us only matter to her as long as we’re able to chip in.
Maybe there’s another way for you to get the money together. What about all the stuff Daddy bought you? That’s got to be worth something.
It was, but I had to sell most of it to pay down the interest on what he borrowed. All that’s left is that old car out front and a suitcase full of fancy clothes and makeup.
What about the bank? Didn’t he leave anything in the farm account?
A few thousand dollars. Just enough to pay off the foremen. Severance was written into their contracts. Nothing I could do.
I shook my head. Daddy always made sure his foremen were taken care of. Funny that’s where he chose to put his loyalty.
Well, of course. They ran the farms in his absence. No way we could compete with that.
I picked up the wine bottle and refilled her glass. It was good that she was feeling resentful. Rather have that than tears. No one’s going to squeeze you out if I can help it, I said. You’ve got as much right to a share as any of them.
I know. But how do I get the others to agree?
You don’t need to worry about it right this second. You’ve been through an ordeal you didn’t deserve. Right now you need to rest up and get your strength back. You have another glass of wine and get yourself a hot bath. There’s a lock on the bathroom door, so no one’ll disturb you. I’ll bring your suitcase in from the car so you have something clean to change into. Tonight you’ll sleep in my bed and I’ll bunk with the girls.
Dawn drew her lips into a straight line and wiped the corners of her eyes. How old are you again, Ellie?
Thirteen. Fourteen in September.
She shook her head. Thirteen. Lord. If I was already as grown-up as you when I was your age, I don’t think I would’ve ended up in this mess. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and don’t let anyone tell you different.
I don’t intend to.
Dawn took the wine bottle with her into the bathroom. I waited until I could hear the water running in the tub before making my move for the telephone. It was an old landline model with a cordless receiver—the last of the cell phone towers in the valley had shut down around the time I was eight. I took Mama’s address book out onto the porch and dialed Katie’s number. It rang three times before one of her sons answered.
This is Ellie, Sandra’s girl. Is this Logan?
It’s Will. How you doing, sis?
Fine. Is your mom at home?
Sure. Just a sec.
I heard Will call for his mother, and then a muffled exchange of words leading up to Katie’s voice coming through on the line.
Morning, Ellie. How’s it going, babe?
Hi, Katie. Sorry to bother you, but this couldn’t wait.
It’s no trouble. What happened? Is your mama all right?
She’s fine, but Dawn is here trying her damnedest not to break down crying.
I explained everything to her the same way it had been laid out to me, about Daddy and the loans, the squandered deposit, the severance pay, and Dawn’s painful trip down the valley. Katie didn’t say a word, just listened with her slow breathing rustling in my ear. She even waited a few seconds after I was done talking before jumping in.
That poor girl, she said. I wish she’d come to me with this. Tried my hardest to prove to you all that you could trust me.
She trusts you, I said. She’s just afraid of what’ll happen when the others find out.
So am I to be honest. Jennifer and Claudia are already on the fence about going in on the co-op. This is only going to discourage them even more.
We might have bigger problems on our hands than what to do about Dawn.
If you know something else, honey, then spill it.
I glanced through the kitchen window and carried the phone down the steps to the drive. Way I see it, if Daddy could take out loans on the Merced farm without Dawn finding out, he could’ve done the same to all of us. We could be sitting on a pile of debt and not even know it.
Lord, Katie said. That’d put a wrench in everything.
I know it. That’s why we’ve all got to check to see how much of our deposits are left intact. I’ll find a way to do it without Mama knowing, you work on Claudia and Jennifer.
You mean to say you haven’t told your mama any of this?
No, and I don’t plan to until we know for sure what there is to tell. I’ve already got one worry-sick widow to deal with, I don’t need two.
Right. I guess you should do what you think is best.
I will. And you should get on the others right away. Sooner we know how much we have to work with, sooner we can plan our next steps.
The ag bureau opens tomorrow at nine a.m. Should be able to check the balance before noon. I’ll make the calls to Jen and Claudia tonight.
Good. And there’s something else I’d like you to keep in mind.
What’s that, hon?
I was walking down the drive to the Mitsubishi, the sun already stinging my face as early as it was. It was going to be one of those dry, miserable summer days in the valley, with a cloudless blue sky faded partly white, where even the breeze on your skin felt hot. I opened up the backseat and heaved Dawn’s suitcase onto the ground. There were so many stones leading up to the house, I knew the pullout handle and wheels wouldn’t count for much.
Do you take my word seriously?
Sorry?
I know I’m young. But do you care about what I have to say?
Another long pause on the line. Of course I do, Katie said. As much as I care about what anyone has to say.
All right. Then you should know that, whatever happens, I won’t stand by and see Dawn cut out of the deal. You may think it’s not my place to decide, but I’ve been hurt by Daddy as much as any of the women he was married to, and I say Dawn deserves a piece of whatever we manage to get. It’s not her fault that Daddy left her without a leg to stand on. Nor is it to our credit if it turns out he left us flush. This co-op idea wasn’t supposed to be about money and company shares. It’s supposed to be about raising ourselves up alongside the only other people in the world who know where we’re coming from. If I’ve got the wrong idea about that, then I’m not sure I want Mama getting us involved with it. And you know I could probably persuade her either way.
Yeah, honey, she said. I know you could.
All right. Just so we’re clear.
We’re clear. You look after your mama and Dawn, let me worry about Claudia and Jennifer. I’ll be in touch when I have their answers.
Sounds good. Talk to you soon.
Bye, honey.
Goodbye.
I pulled the suitcase up to the porch one step at a time. The house was dead quiet when I came in, which likely meant Jessie and Gracie had been making too much noise right up to the moment they heard me open the door. I left Dawn’s luggage outside the bathroom and went to check on Mama. Even with the ceiling fan on at full blast, the air in her bedroom was muggy and stagnant. I was opening the window when Mama poked her head out from under the comforter.
What time is it?
Litt
le after ten, I said. Already hot out.
Did you find something to eat for the girls?
You know I did.
Thank you.
Mama rolled over onto her side. I slipped off my dusty sneakers and climbed into bed next to her.
I love you, Mama, I said, spooning her from the outside.
She took my hand and squeezed it gently. Love you too, kiddo.
Dawn is going to be staying with us for a little while.
Mama lifted her head and turned to face me. What are you talking about?
It’ll only be for a few weeks. She can help look after Jessie and Gracie, and when we get ready to move she can follow us to the new place. It won’t be any trouble.
But why is she here? I don’t understand.
Because sometimes, when you’re learning to stand on your own, you trip and fall instead. That’s when you need a little help getting back on your feet.
Her crusty and bloodshot eyes stared back at me. She scrunched her face together and massaged her forehead like she had a headache. I don’t know what’s happening around here anymore, she said. I just don’t understand it.
I know, Mama, but please trust me. You’ll see. Soon we’ll be living at the new place and everything will get a whole lot easier.
Mama rolled back over and nestled her shoulders against my chest. I folded my hands over hers and rested there with the smell of her hair seeping in with each breath. Mama, Jessie, Gracie, Anthony, and now Dawn. We hadn’t even moved yet and already the list of people I had to look out for was getting longer by the day. Pretty soon it might encompass the entire Temple clan. All those years being dragged to Sunday service, I’d never felt any kinship with the other Baptists assembled in the pews. It took becoming a heathen for me to find my true congregation.
Lord of California Page 3