sometimes following you dreams means breaking your heart

by Claire Gough

  He smiles. “Yeah, I guess we should.”

  He slides out of the van and slowly walks around the front to open my door for me. Hand in hand, we walk to the front door. He stops me before I can turn the door handle.

  “Alex, once we get back in there, I know you’ll start questioning everything about tonight. Before that happens…” He leans down to kiss me, but it is nothing like the urgent kiss back in the van. This is sweet, soft. He pulls back. “Thank you for tonight,” he whispers. I want to say something, but I’m not sure I can. “See you in the morning.”

  He opens the door for me. I make my way in and pause at the door that leads to our living area. I hate leaving the night here, but I know I don’t have much choice. It’s 10:45pm. I have work in the morning, then the viewing that I almost forgot about thanks to his lips. I watch him walk to the stairs.

  “Good night, Alexis. Sweet dreams,” he says with a smile, then takes the stairs to his room. I watch, wishing I were following him.

  What do you wear to a viewing? A super-secret viewing you haven’t even told your own family about? My heart sinks at the thought. I have questioned whether I should tell Bee, Jill, or Alistair. It scares me to imagine what Jill’s face might look like when I tell her that the life she has given me here is over. She’s the only family I have left and I’m abandoning her? It hurts to think about.

  Then there’s Bee. I know I could have told her, but I think my main fear is being laughed at. Maybe I really don’t have what it takes to do this on my own. Maybe she already knows that and will just laugh in my face if I tell her. Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t told any of them.

  I shake my head. Are these the doubts and fears Fin told me to ignore? It’s hard to shut them out right now.

  The weather looked warm, albeit cloudy while I was working, so I think a long-sleeve white jersey top is suitable, isn’t it? I hope so because if I don’t leave now, I won’t get there on time. I wish I didn’t have to rush to get everything done. It doesn’t give me much time to mentally prepare myself for what’s about to happen.

  My hand’s a little shaky as I turn the door handle of my room, mainly because I know I am about to tell the tiniest white lie… Who am I kidding? It’s a huge black one!

  “Just going to pop to the shop. You guys want anything?” I call out into the living quarters, but no one answers. Good. No one heard my big fat lie.

  I walk out the front door and close my eyes, taking a huge breath of fresh air to try and steady my nerves. When I open my eyes, I can’t help but smile as I spot him leaning against the wall of the guest house, turned away from me. I should have known he’d be here.

  Fin turns around when he hears me shut the door. He smiles at me nervously.

  “Fin?” I ask, buttoning up my black jacket.

  “I thought you could use a second pair of eyes or, you know, moral support,” he blurts out, like he’s been rehearsing.

  “Really?” I try to keep my voice steady and not let him know how much it means to me.

  “Yeah. Besides, I can drive you there.” He holds up the car keys, shaking them.

  We walk toward where he parked the van last night, but it isn’t there. Instead, he walks up to a bright blue Renault Megane. He opens the door and, smiling, motions me in.

  I bite my lip and slowly slide in. Somehow, sitting in his car seems almost too personal. I look around for little clues as to who Finnley really is. There’s a tree-shaped air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror that says “BLACK ICE” across it. I wonder if he bought it simply because it was the name of an AC/DC album. I can’t see any food wrappers or drink bottles anywhere. Nothing to let me into his life a little bit. I try and hide my disappointment as he slides into the driver’s seat.

  I silently step out of the car. I don’t think I could speak right now even if I wanted to. I move toward the building, seeing the For Sale sign at the end of the little drive. I’m shaking just looking at the place.

  It’s weird being confronted with your lifelong dream. I look up at this huge, three storey, cream coloured building with its white-smeared windows. In a few minutes, I could fall for this place and want to make it mine. This could be the building that changes my life. In the advertisement, it says it has eight rooms, same as The Driftwood. From the end of the drive, the buildings actually look a bit alike.

  I feel Fin's warm hand slide into mine, so I turn to look at him. He gives me a reassuring smile. I am so glad he’s here right now. I see a brunette lady standing walk out on the porch, waving.

  “Are you ready?” he asks. I sigh. Will I ever really be ready for this?

  “Ready as I’m ever going to get.” I start up the drive.

  “Hi. You must be Alexis. My name is Anna,” the woman says, holding her clipboard to her chest with one hand, thrusting the other one out to me. As shocked and stunned as I am about the whole situation, the manners Jill has taught me naturally take over.

  “I am. Nice to meet you.” I shake her hand. She looks at Fin. “Oh, sorry. This is...”

  I pause as Fin's eyes meet mine. He smiles. I can’t say he’s just a friend. I know she’s already noticed him holding my hand. I can’t introduce him as my holiday romance, either. My fling for the week? I give in and say what Fin already knows I’m going to say.

  “This is my boyfriend, Fin.”

  Fin reaches out to shake Anna's hand. He looks at me with a smile before shoving his hand back into his jacket pocket.

  “Let’s get started then.” She beams, but I’m still stuck on my boyfriend comment. It felt way too good. I’ve never called a guy my boyfriend before… Well, not since I was twelve, but that really doesn’t count. The heart-breaking thing is, judging by the smile on his face, I think Fin liked the way it sounded, too.

  As soon as she opens the front door, a stained-glass rose in the tiny window, my thoughts about Fin leave my mind. This place looks just like The Driftwood, but in reverse. The living quarter’s door is on the left instead of the right, and the lounge and bar are on the right instead of the left. The stairs run up the back of the lobby. The whole place has matching magnolia walls with white skirting board, which looks newly painted. I walk into the lounge. I want to have a good look at the heart of any B&B. It’s empty. No alcohol in the optic, no tables and chairs, a dusty grey carpet. That’s okay. I’d want to pick out all those things myself anyway.

  Fin squeezes my hand, obviously noticing how similar to The Driftwood this place is.

  “So… What would you like to see first? The rooms or the living quarters?” Anna asks.

  “Rooms, please.” I smile. She leads the way up the staircase in front of us.

  Once the tour is over, Anna hands me all the paperwork, just in case I want to put in an offer. Fin, who I’m sure can see I’m a little overwhelmed, takes them from me. We thank Anna and walk down the drive.

  I’m in a state of shock. That place was perfect. I wasn’t expecting it. Now what? The pull of wanting that building almost outweighs the pain of leaving Jill. It’s a weird sensation. The thought of someone else putting an offer on the building is horrifying, but so is the thought of me leaving The Driftwood, telling Jill... My heart breaks at the thought. This is the strangest feeling in the world.

  Wait… Why am I staring down at water?

  We’re leaning over the wall, looking down at the sea. I watch as the water crashes up against it. I finally turn to look at Fin next to me. I snap myself out of my daze. I think he's been watching my face this whole time, waiting.

  “How are you feeling?” he asks softly.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I have so many emotions running through me, I can’t pinpoint just one.”

  “You loved the place, didn’t you?” I nod. “And that confuses you.”

  “Yeah, it does.”

  “You feel like you’re somehow betraying your aunt if you let yourself love this place.”

  I couldn’t have put it better myself.

  “Yeah. I w
asn’t planning to fall in love with the first building I went to see, but that’s exactly what I did.”

  He nods. “That’s great, though. Just keep your options open, view some others.”

  His words trigger a memory.

  “Oh god! I have another viewing tomorrow at the same time. Will you come with me again?” I realise I’m begging, but I don’t care, I need him there.

  “Of course.” He puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling my forehead to his lips.

  Bee hasn’t stopped talking the whole time she's been here. She's repeatedly told me about her date with Brad—what she wore, what he wore, where he took her, what food she ordered. She also told me she invited him back to her flat and how I should subtract one night of the band’s bill as he stayed with her. To be honest, I’m not really listening. I’m just grateful she’s not quizzing me about my date with Fin.

  “Heels or flats?” I ask, interrupting her, turning from my wardrobe to look at her.

  “Um…” Bee pauses halfway through her story. “Well, what are you going to be wearing?”

  I sigh loudly. I knew she wasn’t paying attention to me, either. I stand up and let her see I’m wearing skinny blue jeans with a grey off-the-shoulder blouse, silver sparkles around the neck.

  “This!” I snap.

  “Oh… Heels,” she says, then carries on with her story where she left off, like I never even spoke.

  My mind isn’t exactly on the guys’ gig tonight. Not yet anyway. I’m sure once Fin takes his place behind his drum kit, any thoughts of the building I viewed will leave my mind.

  Fin, Cole, and Jay are going to the venue to set up, meaning I’m the lucky person who gets to walk with Bee and Brad.

  Yippee.

  To say I’m happy when the venue comes into view is an understatement. I rush on ahead and let myself into the pub, holding the door open for the two lovebirds, who haven't taken their eyes or hands off each other the whole way here.

  I breathe in the warm air of the pub and smile. That smell will always make me think of Fin. I look around. I see the familiar drum kit on stage, The Dukes written on it in white. My heart shoots into my throat, nearly choking me. It’s silly, but seeing that means he’s here and I’ll get to see him soon. The thought sets my heart racing.

  There’s some loud music playing through the speakers. It has a heavy beat, which is all I can feel as I survey the room. I don’t want to look like I am searching for Fin, but I am. I don’t see him, though. Brad says something in Bee’s ear, then rushes toward the stage.

  Bee slides her arm through mine and leans her head on my shoulder as she watches Brad disappear behind the blue curtain.

  “How are you coping?” she shouts into my ear.

  “Good, but I could use a drink.”

  She smiles up at me and rubs her hand over mine. She knows me well enough to know I’m getting attached to Fin. If only she knew just how attached.

  I send Bee off in search of a table because I can’t take her stare any longer. I told her to sit somewhere near the stage so we could see perfectly. I walk up to the bar and order a vodka, lemon, and lime and a large white wine. I contemplate ordering two of each. If the last time we watched the guys play is anything to go by, I went through a few drinks that night. I start to hand a ten-pound note to the bartender when a familiar hand grips my wrist, pulling it back. If I don’t know whose hand it is, my skin sure does. All the hair on my body stands on end as electricity radiates from my wrist.

  I watch as Fin hands over a twenty-pound note, then turns to face me. I can’t believe how far we’ve come in a matter of days. Just Friday night, I didn’t want him to buy me a drink because I was scared where it would lead. Today, he came with me to view what could potentially be my new home and business.

  He smiles at me, like he hasn’t seen me in a week. “Hey,” he says, grabbing Bee's wine off the bar as I take my vodka.

  “Hey,” I reply, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. He sighs as my lips touch his skin, making me smile.

  “We saved you a seat.” He motions for me to follow him, grabbing my hand in the process.

  He stops at two tables to the right of the stage. Bee is in one chair, Brad perched next to her. If he gets any closer, he'd be sitting on her lap. Jay stares at the stage, as if nervous. Fin pulls out the chair for me, then sits down next to me. I see Cole on the other side of the room, talking to someone. It’s probably about tonight because he's nodding a lot and rubbing his hand down the stubble along his cheek and chin. Maybe it helps him think.

  Fin's hand lands on my thigh, making me shiver. I look at his face as he sips his pint. I’m unsure if he knows he just sent my heartbeat through the roof. His eyes meet mine and he gives me that sexy sideways smile. I lean my head on his shoulder as he squeezes my thigh.

  God, I’m glad we’re in public right now or there would be a serious risk of rule two getting broken.

  I know Bee is staring at me, judging every move. She’s never seen me act like this with any guy before. I know she can tell just how much I’m drawn to him, but I couldn’t care less right now. When the announcer appears on stage, I know I'm about to lose Fin to the spotlight. He kisses my head and takes what’s left of his pint up to the stage with him.

  Cole strides up to the mic. It fascinates me how he can just go up there and not only talk to a room full of total strangers, but sing in front of them, too. I could never do anything like that. He introduces the band again and thanks everyone for coming. They kick off with “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, which is a crowd pleaser. Bee’s not a rock lover, but even she knows this one. I bite my lip as I transform into groupie mode. Fin’s wearing a black Thin Lizzy t-shirt tonight, his leather jacket on the back of the chair next to me.

  The guys play two more covers before launching into some originals. Knowing Fin wrote the lyrics makes me listen more closely. This song they’re playing now isn’t exactly slow, but it’s not one of their faster ones, either.

  “Everyone says home is where the heart is.

  My heart follows you around, so you must be home.

  If only you knew that day you made them my brothers.

  So go ahead.

  Keep your secret inside your bubble far away from the eye of others.”

  It’s hard to make out every single word because we’re so close to the stage, the words through the speakers are distorted. I watch Cole’s lips and try to figure it out the best I can.

  The song finishes. Without an introduction, the next one starts.

  “I spent all those years searching to still end up empty-handed.

  From your words, I was wounded.

  I’m scarred.

  I’m branded.”

  I want to know what all these lyrics mean, but I doubt Fin will tell me. I listen to Cole, wondering what Fin would sound like singing.

  After three of their own songs, Cole announces the next song is entitled “Home”. Fin's eyes snap up to meet mine. He looks nervous. He forces out a smile before he has to count the guys in. I listen even harder than I have been.

  “Just because it’s out there to be found doesn’t mean it’s worth finding.”

  I feel tears sting my eyes and a lump forms in my throat. Fin’s tattoo.

  “Every painful hour that passed, I dreamt about seeing your face.

  Hoping that once I saw you, you'd fill that empty space.

  Now that I see you all too close, I can see you were just a waste.

  Just because it’s out there to be found doesn’t mean it’s worth finding.

  Just because it’s out there to be found doesn’t mean it’s worth finding.”

  A single tear trickles down my face as I listen. It’s obvious there’s a lot of pain behind those words. I know Fin has some serious pain he's been hiding. Maybe that’s what I saw in the van last night.

  When the song finishes, I wipe my cheek. Fin's eyes meet mine. I move my hand, giving him a small smile. I don’t want him to see how his
lyrics affected me.

  The Dukes do three more covers before finishing their set. Applause reverberates through the place. Bee and I stand up and clap as the guys make their way back to the table. Fin tucks his hands into his pockets as he gets closer. I can tell he saw me wipe that one tear from my face just by the way he's acting now. Almost guarded.

  I slide my arms round his neck and pull him to me. He buries his head in my shoulder, his arms wrapping around my back. The rest of the guys are all on a high as Bee greets them, telling them what a great set they played and how gorgeous Brad looked on stage. I just stand there holding Fin to me, like I’m holding him together, like he might break if I let go.

  He slowly pulls away from me, looking me in the eyes as he takes both my hands in his. He smiles, but it’s not a full smile. I know that song means a lot to him because of his tattoo, but I can see it on his face right now, too. Without saying a word, he pulls me toward my seat.

  It looks like it’s Cole’s turn to get drunk tonight. He seems happy for once. It seems like that stick up his ass has been dislodged by the alcohol and the adrenaline.

  “Well, I think I need to get you a celebratory drink,” I say, standing. Fin grabs my hand and tries to pull me back into my seat. I lean down and kiss his head. “Not this time,” I whisper. He lets me go and Bee joins me to walk to the bar.

  Bee watches me as we stand there, waiting. Finally, she clears her throat. “So… Just how many of your rules have you broken?” She makes a show of studying her red nails.

  “None.” I’m not really lying, am I? I haven’t had sex with the guy, so that’s rule two still firmly intact… Okay, rule one is a little blurry right now, but it’s hard not to fall for the guy who’s helping me get my life together.

  “Hmm, if you had broken one of your precious rules, would you actually tell me?” she asks, studying me intently.