by Terra Wolf
“Found anything?” McCullers asked.
“Killed one. Still looking for Young.”
“Split up?” Hansen suggested.
“No,” McCullers shook his head hard. “Stick together. Let’s find him. We’re dark and I don’t like not having coms on.”
We moved deeper into the woods, our guns raised and our eyes darting. I strained my ears for any sounds that may help us find Young, but there was nothing. Everything was silent except for our soft footsteps as we inched through the woods.
Finally, we heard a scuffle a few yards to our right. I raised my gun higher and crept forward with McCullers and Hansen on either side of me. I was sure the noise meant Young was close by, but we had to move slowly. We had to be careful in case it wasn’t him.
The closer we got, the quieter everything became. We couldn’t hear the scuffling anymore. We couldn’t hear anything at all.
When I saw the blood at my feet I knew the worst had happened. I raised my eyes and saw him lying with his back against a tree trunk. McCullers sucked in a ragged breath and Hansen turned around aiming, I ran to him. My whole body lurched forward and I threw my gun to the ground. All of my training was forgotten in that one moment. All I could think about was reaching him.
I grabbed him and pulled him against my chest. My fingers searched frantically for a pulse, but it was too late. He was already gone…
…I sat up quickly, my heart racing and sweat pouring down my face. I tried to slow my breathing, but I couldn’t shake the image of Young lying dead against that tree.
It had been four months since our mission failed, but not a day went by where I didn’t think about Young and wish I had done more. After weeks of counseling and conversations with my superiors, I knew there was nothing I could have done. I acted perfectly. I followed every protocol. I did everything I was supposed to.
Still, Young was dead and I couldn’t help but think I should have saved him. If I had moved faster, run harder, listened more intently, maybe he would still be alive.
Four
Kellan
I shook my head and tried to clear the images from my mind, but they were burned inside my brain forever. No amount of therapy, sleep, or time would ever erase them. They were mine to hold onto. Forever.
I checked the clock and saw that it was two in the morning. I knew I should try to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes. I didn’t want to see his face again…his bloody body…
Without hesitating, I jumped from my bed and pulled off my pajama pants. I didn’t want to rip another pair. Sleep was no longer an option and I knew the only thing that might help was to move. I hurried down the back stairs and out the door. The second my feet hit the ground I started running.
Changing while running was easy these days, almost like breathing. Training had taught me how. I could change midair, and be in the woods in moments. Feeling my paws on the ground, feeling alive.
I let the breeze shake me awake and the cool air clear my senses. I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes while my paws beat a path beneath me. It wasn’t long before my body went into autopilot and I was able to run without any thought. The peaceful nothingness was more inviting than anything had been for a long time.
My breathing was slow and steady. Even after months away, I was still trained for this. I could run at this pace for hours without breaking a sweat. My breathing would never falter. My sides would never begin to ache. I had the body of an Alpha Squad member and right then, as I ran through the woods near town, it was the only thing holding me together.
I turned sharply out of the woods and down Peach street. I ran quietly through the center of town, my eyes scanning the shop windows. Angie’s café wouldn’t open for a few more hours and the bank after that. The Prewitt’s flower shop was always closed until noon on Sundays and Margie’s new stationary store wouldn’t open at all until Monday morning. Only the diner was open at this hour. Hardly anyone would notice me. A bear going through the center of Mountain Creek wasn’t anything new. We had tons of shifters in town, and I wasn’t the only one who liked, or needed to, run.
I kept my pace as I put the town square behind me and moved further into the surrounding neighborhoods. All the houses were dark, not a single light was on anywhere. Only the street lights lit my path as I ran silently. I knew if anyone was awake they wouldn’t come outside to greet me. Everyone was nervous around me since I returned to Mountain Creek. I was that hardened Alpha Squad guy with war wounds. No one wanted anything to do with me.
When I ran into people on the street they were always nice. Everyone made polite chit chat, but no one asked me anything real.
“How’s the weather?”
“Seen your mom lately?”
“Have you checked out Margie’s new store?”
The questions were always the same. I answered them with a reassuring smile that told people it was okay, they could talk to me, I wasn’t going to snap. Still, no one hung around longer than a few minutes. I pretended not to notice when people crossed to the other side of the street as I passed by. Mothers would shield their children from me and I would turn a blind eye. They thought of me as dangerous and, in a way, I was.
Since that night, I’d changed. My one true purpose in life was to be an Alpha. Once that happened I felt whole. Complete. After Young died, everything changed. Nothing about my life as an Alpha felt real anymore. I changed. I hardened. I really did become dangerous, but only to myself.
I started questioning who I was, who I was meant to be. I doubted whether I was ever really meant to be an Alpha. I questioned everything.
That’s why I was discharged. They didn’t discharge me with negative marks. It didn’t feel like a dismissal or a rejection. I spent almost five years with my team. We had successfully completed over a hundred missions. We were indestructible. Until we weren’t.
When we lost Young, everything fell apart. Our team stopped being a team. We lost our connection, our bond. We all drifted apart and, slowly, we all retired. It didn’t make sense to a lot of our fellow Alphas, but they weren’t there that night. To them, when you lose a guy you grieve and move on. You keep fighting. You keep working. You let the loss fuel the fire in your gut. Your job does not end. But to us, everything ended.
Our job no longer felt like ours. It felt as if we were playing dress-up in someone else’s clothes. We weren’t really us anymore. We were just shadows of our former selves and nothing anyone said could change that.
I kept running, past house after house, without knowing where I was going. It wasn’t until I was turning onto her street that I realized where I’d been headed all along. The Prewitt’s house was at the very end of Tuckerton Court. I’d been there a thousand times, but not for years. When I saw Mr. and Mrs. Prewitt in town they always waved politely. They never spoke to me. I don’t blame them. They didn’t like me back then and I was certain their feelings hadn’t changed.
The closer I got to the Prewitt’s the more confused I became. Every other house was pitch black, but there was a faint orange light peering out from beneath the oak tree in the front yard. I ran faster, wanting to get a closer look. I knew what room was behind that tree.
I stopped in front of the house pawing at the dirt in their front yard, and stared at the window with my mouth hanging open. I told myself it was nothing, it didn’t mean that she was home. As far as I knew, Julia hadn’t been home in five years. Not long after I left town she left for New York, just like she always planned. I hadn’t spoken to her since. She never returned my calls or my letters, but I knew through the town gossip that she’d moved. I was proud of her when I found out, she was doing exactly what she always wanted to do.
Still, I hated not seeing her around town. Everywhere I went reminded me of her. I had so many memories of our time together that I couldn’t imagine Mountain Creek without her in it. To me, Mountain Creek was Julia and Julia was Mountain Creek. Always.
Staring up at her window I
tried to see some movement inside. I strained my eyes, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of her shadow. Something, anything, that would tell me it was really her. That she was really home. I prayed to see her hand inch around the side of the curtains and pull them aside. I would have given anything to see her blue eyes or watch her dark curls catch the light just right.
After a few minutes, I knew I needed to move, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave that spot. My paws were cemented to the ground, my eyes locked on that orange light. I couldn’t explain it, even to myself, but my bear could feel her. She was closer than she’d been in years and I could feel her presence like it was calling out to me. My entire body was being tugged forward by something deep inside my soul. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I was halfway across the lawn, trekking a determined path toward the front door.
Just as quickly as I started moving, I stopped. I shook my head and turned around. I half-ran back to the street. My bear protested, he longed to go back to the door, but I pushed harder against myself until I was sprinting down the street. I ran hard and fast, not stopping until I was all the way back home. My paws felt like lead, but I forced them to keep moving until I was safely back inside my bedroom. I couldn’t believe what I’d almost done. I changed back into my human form, my bones cracking, and body shaking beneath the pressure of the change.
Walking up to the Prewitt’s door at two in the morning because I thought Julia might be inside? What good would that have done? I could only imagine the look on Mr. Prewitt’s face if he’d opened the door. A bear on the porch, that would have been great.
I threw myself on my bed and sighed. I felt like I was losing my mind. After waking up in a panicked sweat the last thing I needed was to confront Julia after all these years. Besides, I didn’t even know if she was home. It was just a feeling after all, just an old instinct that told me she was there.
I forced my eyes closed and told myself I was imagining it. There probably hadn’t even been a light on in that room. I was seeing things. Shit. My mind was playing tricks on me.
After dreams about that night with Young I always felt shaken and confused. Running was the only thing that cleared my mind. I told myself I was probably still shaken up when I passed Julia’s house. I was hoping to see her, that was all.
Sleep continued to evade me for the rest of the night, but I remained still. My head was pressed against my pillow and my blanket was wrapped tightly around my body. Whenever I got the urge to leave my bed, I pulled it even tighter. I told myself it would hold me together, keep my mind and my body in check, but I knew that wasn’t true. I knew nothing could hold me together anymore.
Five
Julia
“You aren’t ready yet?!” Lacey’s annoyed voice snapped me out of my daydream.
“I was having a nice moment and you just ruined it,” I said as I turned around to glare at her.
“A nice moment? You were staring out the window.”
“Exactly. It was peaceful until you showed up.”
“Cry me a river,” Lacey said with a roll of her eyes. “Get dressed. We have to leave in ten minutes. Mom and Dad are already freaking out that we’ll be late.”
“They’ve been freaking out since I got here, what else is new?”
“Just hurry. Please,” Lacey hissed.
“Well, since you said please,” I teased. I walked over to the closet and pulled the door open. I grew up in this room and had unpacked my things the night before, but I still felt like I was living in someone else’s home. The five years since I’d last slept in that bed and opened that closet door had put up a permanent wall between me and my parent’s home. Nothing felt like mine.
I pulled out a dark dress and some heels. Laying them on the bed, I stripped down to my underwear without realizing my sister was still in my doorway.
“What?” I snapped, “I’m getting dressed.”
“Don’t you own anything black?” Lacey asked, her eyes glued to my dress.
“That is black,” I explained with a shake of my head.
“No, Julia, that’s blue,” Lacey said. She walked over and picked up the dress. She held it up to my nose.
I took a step away from her and rolled my eyes.
“Fine,” I said. “It’s blue, but it’s a navy blue so no one will be able to tell the difference.”
“You didn’t pack a black dress?” Lacey’s voice was beginning to gain it’s mothering quality. The last thing I needed was a full-on Lacey-style lecture right before a funeral.
“I must have grabbed the wrong one,” I shrugged.
“Haven’t you heard?” A voice called from the hallway. “Navy is the new black in New York City. Our Julia here has to stay up on the latest fashion trends if she wants to stick it out in the bit city.”
“Thanks for that, Aunt Miriam,” I called back.
I caught Lacey’s eye and we both erupted into silent giggled. Just like that, all tension faded from the room and Lacey helped me step into my dress without any further comment. She zipped me up and leaned against the dresser while I slipped on my shoes.
“So, tell me,” she began, her tone suddenly serious. “How is it being back?”
“Honestly, Lace, I don’t know.” I shook my head and gestured around the room, “All of this, it just feels surreal. It feels like an entirely different life. I’m not the same girl I was when I lived here.”
“I know that,” Lacey nodded. “We all do, Pipe. No one expects you to be exactly the same. We just wanted to see you.”
“I know and I’m glad I’m here.”
Lacey gave me a skeptical look. I stared at her defiantly for a few seconds before I sighed and let a small smile escape onto my lips.
“I am,” I insisted. “Even if it’s weird to be back, it’s good that I came.”
Laughter echoed up the stairs and I heard children running around in the living room. In a second, my mother would come and demand they all quiet down. This was a morning of sadness, after all. It wasn’t time for playing. Still, hearing them laugh helped make my words to Lacey feel true.
“How’s Mom been?” Lacey asked weakly. I glanced at her quickly, a warning in my eyes that made her quickly add, “I’m just asking.”
“It’s like I said, she’s been freaking out since I arrived yesterday. They both have.”
“No, I don’t mean about the funeral,” Lacey said with a wave of her hand. “I mean about you.”
“She’s been fine,” I said evasively. “Shouldn’t we get going? I thought everyone was afraid of being late.”
Lacey opened her mouth as if she were going to argue, but she soon thought better of it. She grabbed my purse from the dresser and handed it to me. After smoothing my hair and pinching my cheeks, she smiled at me in the way only a big sister can.
“Let’s do this,” she said. Her tone suggested we were going into battle and maybe we were. A Prewitt reunion, even one for a funeral, was always an interesting event.
“Do you feel sad?” I asked.
“I do,” Lacey nodded. “Don’t you?”
“Not really,” I answered honestly.
“Monster,” Lacey teased.
“Shut up, I hadn’t seen the man in ten years.”
“You’re going to hell,” Lacey said, pretending to be serious.
“Fuck off,” I said, jabbing her in the ribs with my elbow.
“There’s that Julia Prewitt charm,” she cooed.
“I hate you.”
“You adore me.”
We stepped out into the hallway and I pulled the door closed behind me. My mother was standing at the foot of the stairs, her head tilted upward as if she were about to yell something to us.
“Oh,” she said, relaxing her neck. “You’re ready.”
“Yup,” I said as Lacey led the way downstairs.
“Good, let’s go.”
Six
Julia
The funeral was large and loud. When we stepped inside the church,
I immediately spotted ten cousins and four second cousins. They were all crammed in the middle of the aisle talking loudly and boisterously. If you didn’t know why we were all there, you would have thought someone was getting married not buried.
My mother led the way down the aisle, squeezing her way between relatives, stopping to say hello as she went. I kept my head down. Avoiding eye contact was the best way to get through this without someone…
“Julia?!” A voice yelled from a few feet away. Everyone in the vicinity immediately fell silent. “Julia! You came!”
I turned to see my cousin Melissa hurrying toward me. She engulfed me in a bone crushing hug before pulling away. She held onto my arms and looked me up and down.
“Ugh! You look gorgeous,” she said with venom in her voice. “I don’t know why I’m surprised, you always were the pretty one.”
“Thanks Mel,” I said softly. “You look great. How long has it been?”
“Six years!” she half-yelled. “Can you believe that?”
“No,” I shook my head and glanced around me. I caught Lacey’s eye and tried to silently convey I needed help. She just laughed and made her way into a pew with the kids. I could have killed her.
“So, what have you been up to? Still in New York? How are things? Are you still a paralegal or something like that?”
“A lawyer,” I nodded. “Yeah, I’m still…”
“Oh no!” Melissa interrupted. “Looks like they’re about to start. We better sit.”
Melissa hurried away in a blur. I turned around and made my way over to Lacey in a fog. When I sat down, I shoved my shoulder hard against hers.
“Ouch,” she snapped.
“I can’t believe you just left me with her!” I hissed under my breath.
“You looked like you were doing fine,” she chuckled.
“I hate you,” I told her again.
“You might want to be careful with your hatred today. I could be next, you know?” She gestured toward the casket at the front of the church.