by Abby Brooks
I understand his need to be a good guy and do the right thing, and I respect the hell out of him for it, but that doesn’t stop a nasty surge of possessiveness and indignation from burning its way up from someplace ugly inside me. My first thought is that Gabe is mine and I’m fully capable of taking care of him on my own. It’s a knee-jerk reaction and I recognize that it’s flawed because the reality is that Gabe is ours and Ty really should be allowed into his life. I’m going to have to disrupt Gabe’s life and that scares the hell out of me.
Oblivious to the firestorm of activity going off in my head, Ty continues. “And I thought, you know, once we tell him who I am, maybe we could figure out some sort of visitation. Maybe just Skype sessions at first because Hawaii is a long way from here—”
“Hawaii?”
“Yeah. I’m stationed at Kaneohe Bay on Oahu.”
I try to do a quick calculation and figure out how far away that is, but all I come up with is way the fuck out there. “You have every right to want these things but can we not do this tonight? I need some time to process everything.”
It looks like he’s about to argue, but he stops himself. “That’s fine.” He balls up his napkin and drops it on his plate. “We can put a pin in it for a few days.”
He pays the bill and walks me out of the restaurant. Night fell while we were inside Don Juan’s and the warm air feels great after the almost too cold air conditioning inside. He takes my hand and leads me towards my car. I shiver at the contact.
“Cold?” he asks.
I shake my head but he wraps an arm around me anyway. I drive us back to Carmichael Farms and the conversation between us stays light. We pull into Michelle’s driveway way before I’m ready. When we get out of the car, I turn to thank him for the evening, to apologize for my reaction about the child support, to tell him I hope we can get together again before he leaves, to say or do something, anything, to extend the time we have together before I collect Gabe and Ty and I go our separate ways.
Before I have time to speak, Ty pulls me close, threads his hands into my hair, and kisses me. His touch is heated, desperate, and I grip his arms, my fingers digging into his biceps. I part my lips and his tongue brushes mine. Time slows and the world stops spinning and a million stars gleam in the sky just for us. I lose myself in him. If I doubted our connection before, this kiss erases that doubt. It sets fire to any reason I thought I had to say no to Ty and solidifies my need for him.
He pulls back, presses his forehead to mine, and then kisses me on the tip of my nose. “Thank you for tonight,” he says and then steps back as Gabe barrels out the front door and dashes towards us. Ty promises to see me soon and then helps me into the car and closes the door between us, thumping his hand once on the hood and raising his hand in a silent goodbye.
TY
I’m up and moving before any of the Carmichaels, and considering they have a three-month-old son and run a farm, that’s saying something. I quietly brew some coffee, fill a mug and then grab my laptop and head out to the porch to watch the sunrise. Once I’m settled in a chair that looks out over a large orchard, I fire up my laptop and start browsing the news. My mind is only half focused on what I’m reading. Lexi and Gabe have stolen control of the other half. By the time the sun peeks past the horizon, I’ve discarded my news sites in favor of childhood development sites. There are at least twelve tabs open on my browser, including some private school options as well as information about Montessori schools. Lexi told me that Gabe was smart, but energetic and prone to wanting to do things his way. If he’s anything like me—and the last two days have shown that he’s a lot like me—then he might do better with less traditional schooling.
David and Michelle get up with Claire and Thomas shortly after six and Dean and Annabelle wander up from their house shortly after that, while Colton strolls up the lane from his trailer in the distance.
“What are you doing out here so early?” Annabelle pauses at the top of the steps leading to the porch.
I hold out my coffee and nod towards my laptop. “Just catching up on what’s going on in the world.”
“Why don’t you come on inside and I’ll make you something to eat,” she says. “The world will wait.”
“Thank you, but I’m fine with my coffee today.”
Annabelle clucks her tongue, a sure sign she disapproves, and heads into the house without another word. Twenty minutes later, she reappears with a plateful of food. “You can’t start the day without a full belly,” she says as she hands me breakfast. “You don’t have to come in and join our craziness, but you do have to eat.” She stands there, her hands balled up into fists and pressed into her ample hips until I take my first bite.
“It’s delicious,” I say around a mouthful. “Thank you.”
Annabelle grins at me, pats me on the arm, and heads inside without another word.
The moment the clock clicks over to nine—that’s late enough for a single mom to be up and moving, right?—I shoot Lexi a text.
Me: I couldn’t go another minute without saying good morning to you.
I don’t expect her to respond immediately, but my anxiety rises as fifteen of the longest minutes in the history of the world tick by. I had such a great time last night and felt a deeper connection with Lexi than I ever thought was possible with another human being. Her lack of response kickstarts a slow burn of worry. Is she just not that into me? I fully reject the idea and push the anxiety off to a corner of my brain and lock it away, focusing instead on the open tabs on my browser and the growing list of questions I want to ask about my son. A full forty-five minutes later, my phone buzzes on my lap.
Lex: Hey! Sorry! Work is crazy. :) Good morning to you, too!
Oh, thank the sweet Lord in heaven! Of course she’s at work. And of course that would keep her occupied. Smiling, I tap out another text.
Me: Just gonna put this out there. Don’t respond right away, at least not until you get over the part where you try to tell me no…
Lex: Uhhh… okay…
Me: And I don’t want you to freak out either, so, maybe you should sit down or something…
I grin at my phone, imagining the way she must be pursing her eyebrows together in confusion. All I want to do is ask her out again, but I love teasing her too much to be straightforward about it.
Lex: Out with it, Marine! You’re killing me here!
Me: You sitting down?
Lex: Nope. But I’m a big girl. I’m sure I’ll be fine.
Me: Okay… Suit yourself…
I let another minute pass before my phone buzzes again.
Lex: Damn it, Ty…
Me: I’ve been thinking about it all morning. Well, since last night, really. And I mean, this is kind of a big deal…
I wait for the bouncing dots that mean she’s typing out a response, but nothing happens. Did I push her too far? Did she get called back to work? Messing around with her is decidedly less fun when she’s not right here in front of me so I can read her reaction. I put the phone down and head inside to refill my coffee, the remnants of a Carmichael breakfast soaking in the sink. When I get back outside, the notification light on my phone is blinking and I swipe it up and unlock it to find a text from Lexi.
Lexi: See? It’s no fun when people mess with you, huh?
Lexi: If you wanted to ask me out, all you had to do was ask.
I smile as I lean my elbows on the porch railing, phone in my hands.
Me: Lexi Stills, will you do me the honor of seeing me again tonight?
The reply bubbles bounce and a jolt of adrenaline courses through my body. I feel like I’m fucking fifteen again, setting up a date with the first girl I ever had a serious crush on.
Lexi: I almost told you no, just to freak you out but decided not to be cruel like some people I know. I have to check on a sitter for Gabe, but assuming I can find someone to watch him, then yes. I would love to go out with you tonight.
Me: Perfect. Just let me know.
Me: Oh, hey… what was Gabe’s first word?
Lex: Thank you
Me: His first word was thank you?
Lex: Well, he did the babbling first. Dada. Mama. That kind of stuff. But his first actual word was thank you. Shocked the hell out of me.
My chest tightens and I grind my teeth together. I know babies babble, and that the first series of babbles are often dada and mama sounds, but the thought of my son saying my name without me there hits a nerve I would rather not have touched again. It’s raw and aching and dredges up all kinds of ugly shit about my own less than awesome dad.
Me: What about his first steps? How old?
I wait for the bouncing bubbles to let me know she’s typing out a reply, but instead, the phone vibrates with an incoming call. Lexi’s smiling face fills my screen and I answer immediately.
“Hey.” I drop into my seat and pick up my coffee mug.
“Hey.” There’s a smile in Lexi’s voice and hearing it makes me smile, too. “I have a few minutes and talking is so much easier than texting. Gabe walked early. I think he was eight or nine months old, but it was a long time ago, so I could be wrong.”
“What about his alphabet? When did he learn that?”
“Ummm … He was really little. I think he was just under two?” Her statement is a question.
“The typical age to start recognizing letters is around two to three, but they can’t recite the whole thing until four or five? Right?” I parrot back what I learned through my internet searches this morning.
“That sounds about right. How do you know that?”
“I got lost down a Google rabbit hole this morning, trying to learn everything I can about six-year-olds and then I got curious about childhood development in general. It’s kind of what I do. Latch onto a topic I’m passionate about and then research it until I run out of things to research.”
“What else do you want to know?” Lexi’s voice is hushed.
“Everything. I can’t think of one thing you might tell me that would be too small for me to care about.”
Lexi lets out a shaky breath. “I kept a scrapbook. It’s filled with pictures and notes from the time he was born until now. I can bring it over to you if you’re interested.”
“I’m very interested. I’d love that.” In fact, the thought of getting to learn these things about Gabe has my throat tightening. I take a drink of coffee and swallow back the emotion. “Is he at daycare? While you’re at work?”
“Yeah. Today.” She clears her throat. “Sometimes my mom watches him if I’ve got a long string of long days. Or if she’s not available and I have to work longer than the daycare is open, the Y has a latchkey program for after daycare hours. It’s not ideal, but it works.”
“Maybe I could take him?” The words are out before I have time to think better of it. “I mean, I know it’s not a long-term solution, but while I’m here, if you have any long days and want him to have some one on one time with someone, I’m your guy.”
Lexi sighs. “That’s really great of you to offer that Ty, and I understand and respect your desire to see him. I really do. But is that good for Gabe? If you’re just going to be gone again in a few days, what good will it do him to get to know you only to lose you again?”
“It’s not perfect, but, from my own personal experience, I think he’ll be better off knowing who his father is and why I’m not around rather than wondering if there’s something wrong with him that would make me disappear.”
“He doesn’t think that.”
“Not yet. But maybe there’s a time, sooner or later, when he’s old enough to really process things, that he’s going to wonder why he wasn’t worth enough to me to make me stick around.” I take a long breath and close my eyes. “My own dad left right after my sister was born. I was two and she was an infant so as far as we were concerned, he never even existed. My mom did a damn fine job raising the two of us. She worked her ass off to provide a decent life and tried to be both soft and nurturing as well as a hard disciplinarian, in order to fill both parental roles. But I tell you, when I was old enough to realize that other kids had two parents? I never forgave my dad for leaving and I struggled for a long time, wondering what part of me wasn’t good enough for him. I eventually channeled it all into something positive, a desire to continually improve myself, but my sister didn’t do as well. I swore I’d be a better dad. Swore that when it was time for me to start a family, I’d be there. I’d raise my kids so they knew what they were worth. Swore that I’d make sure my wife didn’t have to struggle trying to be both a mom and a provider. Lexi, please, let me be a father to Gabe so he knows he has two people who think the sun rises and sets with him. Let me be the dad I always swore I would be. For me and for him.”
I open my eyes and stare into the bright blue sky. Maybe it was wrong to put all of that on her. Maybe it was wrong to open up like that, but damn it, I want to do what’s right for Gabe just as much as she does. And yes, it’s messy right now, but that doesn’t mean we should walk away from it and let it keep on being messy. There is a solution here, one that’s good for all of us. We just have to keep the communication lines open so we can figure out what it is.
Lexi swallows hard enough for me to hear it over the phone. “Come to my house tonight. For a late dinner. It’ll be simple because I don’t get off until seven and have to pick up Gabe from daycare before I make the long drive home, but if you don’t mind seeing me in my scrubs and eating some cheap spaghetti with us, then I would love to have you there.”
She doesn’t say a thing about telling Gabe I’m his father and I don’t press the issue. When the time is right, we’ll know. I’m sure of it.
“That’ll be perfect.” I stand up, too excited to be still. “But please, let me bring dinner. That way you don’t have to worry about trying to throw something together and make a mess in the kitchen after a long day at work. Let me take care of you.”
There’s a long pause on the other end of the line. “That would be very nice,” she says after a bit. We make our plans and say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone almost vibrating with anticipation.
I have no idea how to cook a dinner for a family after a long day of work. My own meals consist of simple stuff: lunch meat and cheese. Microwave chicken fingers. High protein meals that require minimal effort. Lexi and Gabe deserve so much more than minimal effort. I open up a few recipe sites and put together what sounds like a delicious if not time-consuming meal, and then go off in search of Annabelle to ask permission to use her kitchen, since everyone knows it really belongs to her and not David or Michelle.
LEXI
The minute Gabe and I get home, I race into the bathroom and do a quick assessment of my post-work appeal. My hair is piled on top of my head, a little messy, but it works. I pull a few tendrils loose to frame my face, wipe at the smudged mascara under my eyes, and then dig through my makeup drawer for my lipstick. I grab the muted nude color that’s been my go to for awhile now but pause. Tyler has mentioned my old, cherry red lipstick several times now. It used to be my signature, a strong black eyeliner and a bright red lip. Life got heavy for a while right after Bailey met Liam and all the tragedy that followed. The bright colors seemed all wrong then, but now? Maybe it’s time to brighten things up again.
I fish into the back of the drawer and find a tube of my old favorite. As I stare at myself in the mirror and dab it on, a smile spreads across my face. I swipe on some eyeliner and smack my lips together, pleased with the result. Hopefully Tyler will be, too. I know I told him I’d be in my scrubs but eww. No thank you. I head to my bedroom and change and yes, I make sure my bra and panties match because you never know.
“Mom?” Gabe darts down
the hallway. “I’m hungry. When’s dinner?”
“Soon.” I flick off the bedroom light and lead him out towards the living room.
“Can I help cook?”
“We’re not cooking tonight.”
Gabe’s eyes light up. “Is it a pizza night?”
“Nope. Not that either.” We don’t do pizza very often and I hate to disappoint him. I have no idea what Ty is bringing, no idea if the man even knows how to cook, but hopefully it will be better than pizza, for Gabe’s sake.
“What’s it going to be? Nana gave me a snack, but it was only two of those little mandarin oranges.”
“You remember Ty right? From last night?”
“Oh yeah. He’s awesome.” Gabe grins.
“He’s coming over with dinner for all of us.”
Gabe bobs his head, totally oblivious to all the craziness swirling around him right now. “Maybe he’ll bring pizza.”
“Maybe.” In truth, I have no idea what he’ll bring, but I don’t have to wonder long because there’s a knock at the door before I can give a more direct answer.
“He’s here!” Gabe bounds into action, swinging open the front door before I have time to stand up. “It’s not a pizza,” he calls back to me. “But it smells good.”
I make my way to the door and find Tyler standing there with a large picnic basket in his hands. By the way his biceps and forearms are straining, I’d say the thing is heavy, but the smile on his face doesn’t look even remotely troubled.
“Well, invite the man in,” I say to Gabe. “Don’t just stand there yelling about the food he brought.”
Gabe looks chagrined for a second before inviting Tyler into the house and leading him towards the kitchen. “You can just put it out here on the counter, right Mom?” He glances at me to double check before continuing. “I can help if you want.”
Ty puts the basket on the counter. “I’d love your help. Can you set the table while I get everything out of this basket?” Ty meets my gaze over Gabe’s head and I get to watch him register the red lips. “You look stunning this evening.” He bobs his head. “The red suits you.”