by Kip Nelson
“I'd like to think that we're stronger as a community than that,” Mindy replied, her milky cheeks flushing with anger, “and that we all would remind each other of what's important if we falter. Isn't that right, Hank?”
“Hmm?” The preacher was staring into nothingness and gave an apologetic smile to his companions.
“I'm sorry, I think this has gone a little over my head,” he said, raising a glass filled with golden liquid. Freddie looked at him suspiciously, though, for Hank barely had touched a drop.
“Sure you're okay?” Freddie asked.
“Yes, yes, it's like you said, we've all been working hard, haven't we? And, for what it's worth, I agree with Mindy. I think the people of New Haven have shown that they can stick together, even when things look really bad. We all know that winter is going to be a test for us, but as long as we all stick together we'll be able to get through it, just like we've been able to get through everything else.” Hank said.
“As long as we don't turn to cannibalism like those monsters,” Mindy said, shuddering.
“I don't think it's very useful to think of them as monsters. They were just a group of people who chose to survive instead of starving to death. It's a fascinating case study. I wish we could have kept some of them around so I could have spoken to them about it. I'd love to have known about the state of mind it took for them to finally turn. Can you imagine how tense it was on that ship? Who was the first one to suggest the idea? Did they all agree quickly, or was it something that many of them had to be forced into? Did they get used to it by the end? Did they like it?” Freddie's eyes gleamed as he asked all these questions, his curiosity burning inside him. But as quickly as it appeared, the light in his eyes dimmed as he sank back into his chair and sighed.
“But I guess we'll never know now. They were so secretive about it, I never got a chance to ask them.”
“I can understand why they kept the secret, though,” Mindy said, “not that I generally agree with keeping secrets most of the time.”
“Oh, I know it's not like they could have come in here and announced that they had eaten people. Can you imagine what would have happened? Yes, they would have had to carry that secret around with them. I don't envy them that. A secret always comes up, especially when it's shared among a group of people that large. The toll that must have taken on them as well...it's a wonder they were able to function as well as they did.”
At this Hank looked up, although he still didn't say anything.
“I don't understand why people keep secrets. They never work out well,” Mindy said, “in all my life I've tried to be honest with people. It's far easier to do that than to keep track of lies and secrets, and all the worry that they're going to catch up with you as well. That's stress I don't need.”
“It has all to do with fear, isn't it? I've counseled a lot of people who have worked themselves up into such a state all because they've done something, and it's gone on for so long that they're scared of finally admitting it to the ones they love. Always sad, really, because it just makes the problem worse. But people get wrapped up in their own minds, and they create their own realities. You must be well acquainted with secrets as well, Hank?”
“What do you mean?” Hank said brusquely, and his tone surprised the other two.
“Just that you're a preacher, so you must have seen how keeping secrets takes a toll on people. I bet they've all felt better after they get it off their chest.”
“Oh...yes,” Hank said, “but sometimes people only have a secret they share with the Lord, and nobody else. The truth, though, the truth will light your way.” In some ways, it seemed as though he was talking more to himself than the other two.
“It's funny, isn't it? How truth is such a default state for us. Like, look at all of us in this place. We could have told people whatever story we wanted. Nobody really knew each other in the old world, so we can be whoever we want to be, and the rest of us just have to trust that they're not lying,” Mindy said.
“Yeah,” Freddie said, a wide smile coming across his face, “I was actually a porn star.”
“Oh, you are terrible,” Mindy said, laughing so hard that tears were filling her eyes.
“It is interesting, though, isn't it? How people are able to just create lives for themselves and maybe improve on things that they were unhappy with. Nobody can accuse them of lying. It makes you wonder what the truth really is.”
“It sounds as though you're finding a lot of things interesting lately,” Mindy said.
Freddie smiled again and nodded. He finished what was in his glass and leaned forward, pouring some more of the dwindling alcohol from the bottle into his glass, then offering it to Mindy, who said she wanted just a little bit. Freddie turned to face Hank, but his glass was still almost full. Freddie creased his brow, but didn't say anything.
“I am. Obviously, as a counselor, I've always been quite interested in the human condition and what makes people tick. I just wish I had the resources to do a proper paper about the effects an apocalypse has on people. Not that there's much point, because there wouldn't be anyone to read it, not any peers, I mean. I have so many observations and theories to explore, but it all just doesn't really mean anything in the end.”
“I don't know about that. I think it has meaning if you give it meaning,” Mindy said.
Freddie gave her an appreciative grin. “Thanks, but I'm not under any delusions about my career. I'm here to help people, and that's about the extent of my purpose.” He sighed heavily.
“Well, to be honest, I'm still trying to figure out my new purpose.” Freddie added.
“I thought you were happy being the one everyone went to when they needed to talk? And you did such a good job at helping the children get used to living here, and helping all the families get used to being close to each other again?”
“I am, and that's great, but I always felt as though I could do more. When I was focused on my career, you must understand that it was all I really had in my life. My ambition was to publish case studies, and go on the lecture circuit to give talks about my findings, and attend seminars. I was working toward all that when everything hit, and it all started going to hell. Then the adventure began. I didn't think I'd ever be stepping foot in this city again, at least not for a long time, and some of the stuff we went through...I never thought I'd see the likes of it. But instead of exploring the world, the road just led back here.”
“Do you want to leave?” Hank said abruptly. He'd been so quiet that the sound of his voice startled the other two.
“I don't know about that. I love it here, but to be honest, I look around at you two, at Mack and Anna, Grace and Luis, Saul and Alison, and all the others. I've become used to being on my own. A lot of people have reinvented themselves for this new world, but I don't feel much different for all of it. I'm still counseling people, I'm still single, and I don't want that to be the rest of my life.”
“Like you said, you can make your life into whatever you want it to be, even if you are the only one who knows the truth,” he said, and then swallowed every last drop of the drink in the bottle.
His words seemed to have a deeper meaning and he had been acting strange all night, but Freddie and Mindy both assumed it was just the lingering effects from the sailors visit. Hank was just a man, and like anyone else he was prone to moods, so his friends were inclined to give him some leeway to work through it himself.
“Well, it's up to you, Freddie, but for what it's worth, I think you're a valuable person to have in this place. I don't know what I would have done without you when we had to take care of all those injured. You know, I only ever had to take that medical course because of work. I hadn't actually put it into practice before. I was surprised that I was able to remember any of it! But it all came back to me.”
“And a lot of people are glad it did!”
“But you know you can change,” Mindy continued. “I was a bit like you, really, didn't know what I was doing with
my life, and it got to a point where I realized that too many years had gone by for me to actually make a difference now. It was like I woke up one morning, and all my life had gone by, and there was nothing I could do about it. Then this all happened, and I really didn't think I would be able to survive. Maybe I was just lucky that I found the right group of people. Now I feel better than I ever have. It's almost like, in that other life, I was stagnating, and this one gave me a chance to do everything over again.”
“That's a good way of looking at it,” Freddie said, smiling, and the three of them continued to drink and talk long into the night, long after the bottle had been emptied. Although through it all, Hank remained surly and quiet, only occasionally offering a vague, slurred comment. By the end of it, Freddie and Mindy were beginning to get more concerned.
Chapter Sixteen
Grace's patrol had moved swiftly out of the city. They knew there was little else to discover in the city, so they didn't worry about searching the abandoned buildings for any food. The patrols sent out before would have found anything of note. They did, however, keep their eyes and ears peeled for any signs of life. It was still strange to all of them that the city was so barren, and given that most of the people they had met lurking in the recesses of the city had been hostile, they were on their guard. They moved in a long line, snaking through the city.
It was a long trek to the forest, and deep inside Grace wished they had been able to go there sooner, but she understood why Mack had declined to follow that particular course. Like with any hike, there were moments of conversation followed by long periods of silence, and the only sounds were their footsteps thudding against the streets. They were on foot because there weren't enough horses to carry all of them, and they didn't want to split the party. It meant they would have to walk quickly to swallow up the miles and make it back to New Haven in good time. Although it doable, Grace just hoped they would be able to hunt and gather enough food to make the patrol worthwhile.
Occasionally, as they made their way through the city, they heard the scurrying sounds of rodents and other small animals, and sometimes they even caught sight of them. Grace swelled with anger whenever she saw a rat, wanting to kill it immediately after everything she'd been through with the food supplies and the massacre of the dirty rodents.
The city was so big they weren't going to be able to make it out there on that first night. So, when darkness began to descend upon them they found a comfortable place to camp. They all hunkered down for the night, setting up their blankets as makeshift tents, for the buildings around them offered much in the way of shelter, although not in the way of warmth. They had brought minimal rations with them and distributed them after the camp was set up. Then people began relaxing their weary legs, resting them for what was sure to be another long hike the following day.
Grace, Anna, and Saul all gravitated toward each other, while other members of the patrol split up into their own small groups. Gary was by himself, although he hovered near Grace, trying to eavesdrop on their conversation. He still was ashamed of his behavior, and people still were unsure how to treat him since he had been so vocal in his disdain for how Mack was running things. He had proven himself in training and clearly had changed his ways, but it would take time for people to get used to this new version of him.
“This kinda reminds me of the time we had to sit outside the mental hospital all night,” Grace said. “Although this time it's much colder,” and she rubbed her hands together, blowing into them to try warming them up.
“That was a strange night. All that waiting. I hated it,” Saul replied.
“Gave us a chance to bond, though,” Grace said, and nudged him with her elbow, grinning at him. Saul raised an eyebrow, but it was clear he was amused as well.
“Mack told me you helped those poor people out, although he didn't really tell me what you two had been up to,” Anna said.
“Well, we were just sitting there waiting. We had a good plan, you see, and didn't expect Mack and Luis to get captured,” Grace began, talking excitedly. ”Anyway, we ended up wondering what we should do because they hadn't come back out and, bear in mind, there were only two of us. We wouldn't have stood a chance if we had gone in there. Then we heard this noise, and there was this guy. He was an escaped patient, and he thought he was a superhero.”
“Damned fool if you ask me,” Saul said gruffly. Grace shot him a look.
“He was lovely. He had these moments where he was totally brave, but once he slipped back into his regular personality, he was a coward and couldn't even stand up. All he wanted to do was hide. It was so sad, really. Anyway, he helped us get into the asylum and then it all happened. He died in the end...” Grace said, turning her head away so she could wipe away her tears. That man had meant so much to her, and she now realized that with all that had been going on, she hadn't thought about him for a long time.
“He meant a lot to you then?” Anna said.
Grace nodded. “Stupid, really, because I barely knew him, but he was a good man, and he didn't deserve to die. Not that anyone does really...but yeah, that night...I wasn't sure we'd make it out of there alive. I'm telling you guys right now...I know that Mack wouldn't want us to do it, but if we don't get enough food, I'm going to head back there because they had plenty of it, and I'm sure they wouldn't mind helping us out.”
“You're the leader of the patrol, you know best,” Anna said, smiling, and it meant a lot to Grace that she had Anna's support.
“Let's just avoid the prison, though,” Saul said.
“Prison?” Anna looked interested.
“We never actually went there. It was a little way up from the asylum. Maggie, Hank, and Freddie all were there, though, and, apparently, they went through a rough time. You can ask them about it if you want, but they don't like to talk about it, especially Maggie. I think they lost a lot of people, and since she was the leader, well, she took it on her shoulders. She still was affected by it when we first met. She didn't even want to join us at first, you remember that?” Grace said, turning to Saul.
“I remember that Mack was being attacked by a bear, and she shot it dead, and she only stayed with us because we were heading in the same direction.”
“I'll show you where that happened when we pass it,” Grace offered. Anna appreciated it.
“You guys went through so much together. Did you ever think you'd end up here?”
Grace and Saul both shook their heads. “I think we both were willing to follow Mack wherever he went. The plan was to get to the city and find a way to communicate with someone else, or to get some idea of what was going on, and then to make our way to find you. It really tore him up, you know, struggling between his duty to help everyone we came across in the city and his need to get back to you.”
“He made the right decision. One of the reasons I fell in love with him is because he's a hero,” Anna said. It was at this point that Grace noticed Gary craning his head around, trying to be a part of the conversation.
“What about you, Gary? I don't actually know much about what you were doing before the end of the world,” Grace said, shifting over so there was a place for Gary to sit beside her.
He had a thankful look on his face as he came up to them and sat down, crossing his legs. He was glad to have been welcomed into the fold, instead of being ostracized as he was before, although he knew it was his own fault.
“Sorry for listening in,” he began, “but I couldn't help but hear about some of the things you've done. I never realized you had had it so hard. I just thought you hiked here from the forest.”
“Believe me, we could tell you plenty more stories,” Saul said dryly. Gary's eyes went wide.
“But we can save those for later. Come on, tell us about you!” Grace said, slapping his leg to get him to open up.
Gary nodded, and the corners of his mouth tugged open in a slight smile. It had been a long time since he had felt like part of a group, or since he had let himself belong som
ewhere.
“I only really stayed at the other settlement. I mean, there was the initial craziness where we all tried to do whatever we could to survive. Once the riots settled down, we came across other people. We formed that settlement, just scavenging for food whenever we could, hoping nothing out there would try to kill us, but I never went out exploring. None of us did, really. We knew the dangers in the city, and we just wanted to stay safe, hoping that if we kept to ourselves, then other people would leave us alone. Then again, I don't think any of us had people we would have crossed a thousand miles to find,” he said, and hung his head. Grace suspected there were at least some people he cared about, so she gently pressed the issue.
“But what about before the end of the world? What was your life like then? Were you in this city alone, or was there someone else?”
Gary shrugged. “My story is much like anyone else’s, really. I had a job, I was making plans for my summer vacation. Life was pretty good, all in all.”
“Nobody special?” Anna asked.
“I always thought the special stuff came later in life. I figured that I should have as much fun as I possibly could while I was young, and fun is pretty easy to come by when your parents are rich.”
“What about your parents? Were they not in the city?” Grace asked.
“They were, but I figured they would have come looking for me if they had survived. They're probably dead, which is weird to say, but even if they are alive, it's unlikely I'll ever see them again. Best to just make my peace with it.”
“What were they like?” Anna asked softly.
“Distant,” Gary quipped.
Even though it was dark, Grace could see the haunting feelings that lay behind Gary's eyes. She felt a little envy and a little pity. It saddened her that there were so many children who had parents, but who either weren't loved properly, or didn't love properly, when all her life she had craved that.