by E. L. Todd
“I’m gonna get some water.” He kissed my hairline as he got out of bed. “Want anything, sweetheart?”
“No, I’m okay.” He pulled on his sweats then left the bedroom.
The second he was gone, I missed him. The sheets were cold, and his smell didn’t envelop me.
His phone vibrated on the nightstand when a message popped up. My eyes automatically went to it in reaction, and instantly, I saw the name on the screen.
Rae.
I quickly looked away and didn’t read the message, out of respect for his privacy. But I still felt the pain hit me right in the gut. Jealousy washed through me like it never had before. I shouldn’t care, but I couldn’t help it. I did care—a lot. This was the woman he was still in love with, the only woman he’d ever loved. They obviously still kept in contact. It made me wonder how many nights he went to sleep thinking about her, wishing she were beside him instead of me.
I’d never felt so low.
I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this terrible.
Must have been the night I walked in on Nathan and Lily.
I quickly got out of bed and pulled on my jeans and t-shirt, wanting to get out of there so I wouldn’t have to see another text message pop up. Ryker didn’t do anything wrong. I’d just gone to coffee with Nathan earlier that day. Ryker didn’t owe me anything, and I knew that.
But I still wanted to leave.
I walked into the kitchen and saw him standing at the sink drinking a glass of water.
He turned to me when he realized I walked into the room. “Change your mind…why are you dressed?”
“I just remembered I need to do laundry. I’m out of everything.” I did my best to lie and make it sound convincing. I slept at his place on a normal basis now, so it was unusual for me to storm out like this. “No panties, no nothing.”
“Then don’t wear panties.” He waggled his eyebrows.
I would normally chuckle or crack a smile, but now I just wanted to go. “I’ll see you later.”
That reaction tipped him off. “Everything alright, sweetheart?” He walked to me where I stood in the entryway, looking me up and down with his piercing gaze.
“Yeah, I’m great. I just need to do a load. If I don’t start now, it’ll take forever.” I rose on my tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, trying not to picture what Rae might look like. “I’ll see you later.”
He snatched me by the wrist before I could walk out the open door. He yanked me back into his chest, getting a good look at my expression. “Why do I get the feeling you’re lying to me?”
I wouldn’t last much longer under that hot stare. “Because you just don’t want me to go.” I moved back into him and kissed him again, this time harder and with more passion. I had to make him think everything was okay. That was everything was perfect. Otherwise, he would drag it out of me, and it would ruin everything. He said he would never have feelings for me. If I made it awkward, he might stop our relationship altogether. I pulled away and kept my face close to his. “I won’t wear panties tomorrow…and I’ll be thinking of you.”
***
“What’s wrong?” Madeline sat across from me at our usual picnic table outside of The Muffin Girl.
“What makes you think anything is wrong?”
“I could tell just through text. You’re off. Plus, the look on your face is a pretty big deal-breaker too.”
Maybe I wasn’t so good at appearances after all.
“Did something happen with Nathan?”
I told her everything that happened with Nathan, from our dinner together and to the present moment. “But he’s not the one I’m upset about.”
“Wait…why did you get coffee with him yesterday?”
“I have no idea, Maddie. He just asked me, and I couldn’t say no. And I feel all these feelings that I used to feel for him… Am I the most pathetic person in the world?”
Instead of giving me shit, she sighed. “No, not at all.”
“After what he did to me, I shouldn’t want anything to do with him. But I’m still attracted to him. When I’m with him…it feels right. I feel like I’ve got my Nathan back. But I can’t let that happen, right?”
Madeline took a long time to respond, probably understanding just how heavy this conversation was. “You still love him.”
“I guess…” The truth was looking me right in the face. Even if I closed my eyes, the truth was still there.
“I remember how you felt about him, Austen. You were head over heels. I honestly thought you guys were meant to be. You were the ideal couple. I really thought he loved you. So I understand why you’re struggling with this. I don’t think it makes you stupid or weak. You really love him…even now.”
“But I shouldn’t, right?”
She shrugged. “I don’t think love is logical. You can’t control the way you feel about someone.”
“So you think I should give him another chance?”
She held up her hand. “I definitely did not say that.”
“So you don’t think I should give him another chance?”
“Personally, no. But this is you—not me.” She gave me a look full of pity, like she wished she could do more for me.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Maddie. I don’t want to feel this way.”
“I know…”
“And then on top of that, I was at Ryker’s last night. Everything was fine until I saw Rae send him a text message at nine in the evening.”
“Who’s Rae?” she asked.
“The woman Ryker is still in love with.” Saying the words out loud hurt as much as they did when I said them in my head. “Ryker and I agreed to a casual arrangement, but when I saw that message, I felt terrible. I got dressed and took off.”
Madeline straightened once I told her the story. “So, you have real feelings for Ryker?”
Why was my life so upside down right now? “I don’t know…I thought I didn’t.”
“If you were that jealous over a text message, I think that’s pretty obvious. What did it say?”
“I didn’t look. I just left.”
“So…you’re into two different guys?”
I dragged my hands down my face. “I’m such a slut, I know.”
“I never called you a slut,” she said calmly. “But are you into two different guys? Has this thing with Ryker started to mean something to you?”
“I…I don’t know.” We started off as a fling, but now I spent almost every single day with him. When I didn’t talk to him, I missed him. Whenever I was down, he was the first person I turned to. He’d become my closest friend in the world and the best sex I’ve ever had.
“Does he know how you feel about Nathan?”
I nodded. “I told him I still have feelings that I can’t get rid of.”
“And he told you how he felt about this Rae person?”
I nodded again.
“It sounds like you guys are in exactly the same boat.”
“I suppose.” I took a large bite of my muffin, needing some serious comfort food.
“Maybe your feelings for Ryker are stronger than you think they are. Think about it, you’ve been seeing him for months now.”
“But we agreed it would never mean anything—”
“Things change, Austen. I’ve seen the way Ryker looks at you. You definitely aren’t just a fling to him.”
I remembered what Ryker said to me yesterday, that he thought of me as natural beauty. “I know he really cares about me, and we have a connection. But I don’t think he wants more than what we have.”
“How do you know unless you talk to him?” she countered.
I didn’t know, but I suspected the answer. He still had feelings for Rae, and I still had feelings for Nathan. But whatever the two of us had together was pretty great. I wasn’t sure if it would ever go anywhere, not after we agreed to be meaningless in the first place. “I don’t know…”
“I would think about it. It’s o
bvious Ryker makes you happy. I can see it written all over your face. If you’re willing to give someone else a chance, I think it should be him.”
“Yeah?”
She nodded. “I do. Nathan had his chance, but he blew it. I know you still love him, but he can’t erase what he did. Things like that are hard to get over—no matter how much time has passed.”
Chapter Nineteen
Ryker
Rae sent me a picture of Safari and Razor in ridiculous dog sweaters.
I would have smiled if Austen hadn’t left so abruptly. She claimed nothing was wrong, and since she wouldn’t lie to me, I believed her. But I was bummed she wouldn’t be sleeping beside me tonight.
I actually liked it.
I texted Rae back after my mood got better. Lookin’ good.
The three dots appeared before she wrote back. Safari hates it. He ripped it off as soon as I took the picture.
I respect him for it.
LOL. Can I call you?
I didn’t want to talk to her. Every time I did, it made me miss her. But I also enjoyed our conversations, so I wanted to keep having them. I was at war with myself. Sure. I wondered if Zeke was fine with that. He was obviously home at this time of night.
She called me a moment later. “Yo, how’s it going?”
“You can’t pull off yo,” I said with a laugh.
“Neither can you,” she jabbed.
“Then let’s agree that we both shouldn’t say yo again.” I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. The sheets were bunched around my waist, but they were cold. My sleeping partner wasn’t there to keep me company through the night. My king-size bed never felt as big as it did now.
“Agreed,” she said with a chuckle. “What’s up with you?”
“Nothing.” My life was boring and uneventful. The only good thing I had was Austen—my ray of sunshine. “What’s up with you?”
“Jessie finished her first trimester. Now she’s starting to show.”
“Good for her.”
“I’m excited to be an aunt. I’ve already bought so many baby clothes, and I don’t even know if it’s a girl or a boy.”
“What do you think it is?” I pictured Rae’s beautiful face, the way her eyes lit up when she talked about the people she loved.
“A boy. Her belly hangs so low.”
“Isn’t that a myth?”
“I don’t know. But I still think it’s a boy either way.”
I pictured Rae pregnant with Zeke’s child. The other idea depressed me, so I quickly thought of something else. Our conversations were always tense no matter how much time had passed. I hadn’t seen her in four months, but it didn’t seem that long.
“How’s it going with that lady friend of yours?”
“Austen?” I asked, vaguely remembering that I’d mentioned her.
“Yeah. You said you guys were spending time together.”
“Yeah, we agreed to be fuck buddies. But we do spend a lot of time together.” In fact, we spent every day together. She usually came over for dinner and sex. We had another round in the morning then she showered and headed off to work. Sometimes we went out to dinner or to a bar to watch a game. “We went car racing last weekend, and she kicked my ass.” I chuckled at the memory.
“Good for her,” Rae said. “I like a woman who knows how to push the pedal to the metal.”
“Yeah, she’s great.” I wished she were there with me now.
“How long have you been seeing her?”
“About three months.”
Rae paused over the phone. “Three months?”
“Yeah…”
“That’s a long time to have a fling.”
“She’s awesome in the sack.” Since it was the truth, I didn’t care about saying it. “And she’s really awesome. She’s funny, smart, makes me feel good. She’s probably my closest friend, honestly.” I’d spent all evening with her, and I still missed her.
“Ryker, that sounds like more than a fling.”
“It’s not.” I couldn’t count the number of times Austen reminded me that nothing could ever happen between us. She committed to being as distant as possible. It was unlikely she would change her mind, especially since she still had feelings for her ex.
“Why are you so sure?”
I was talking about my sex life with my ex, but it didn’t feel awkward anymore. “She still has feelings for her ex.”
“Oh…when did they break up?”
“About three years ago.”
“What?” she blurted over the phone. “And she’s not over him?”
“They were engaged, but he left her for her best friend… She never got over it. I think that’s why she just sleeps around, never seeing the same guy twice.”
“But she’s seen you more than twice.”
I knew she’d made an exception for me. Actually, she’d made many exceptions for me. “She says I’m the best sex she’s ever had.”
“I think there’s more to it than that.”
“What are you trying to say, Rae?” She didn’t know Austen, and she honestly didn’t know much about my life anymore.
“No woman has a fling with a guy for three months without feeling something. I can guarantee she’s head over heels for you, Ryker.”
I chuckled because she was wrong. “Not the case with Austen.”
“I know I’m right, Ryker. No way in hell is this woman immune to your charms. She’s not a robot.”
If she did feel something more, she hid it well.
“Ryker, how do you feel about her?”
It was starting to feel like an interrogation. “I don’t know… I think she’s cool.”
Rae went silent over the phone again. “If you feel something for her, you should tell her. I guarantee she’ll say she feels the same way.”
“You don’t know her, Rae. No offense.”
“But I know you,” she said coldly. “And you don’t see the same woman for that long unless she means something to you.”
She cornered me, and we both knew it. “She said she didn’t want anything more, Rae. I agreed. I can’t go back on my word now. Besides, I don’t have anything to offer her. All I can offer her is good sex and my time. I don’t love her, and frankly, she knows I still have feelings for you.”
Rae was silent over the phone, obviously having no response to that.
“Honestly, I would like to give our relationship a try. I don’t want her to see anyone else. I don’t want to see anyone else either. But it’s just too complicated. We both have feelings for other people. Neither one of us is in the right place for something serious.”
“You guys are in the same situation, which I find ironic. I don’t see why you can’t tell her how you feel and start from there. It doesn’t have to be serious. But it can be more than a fling, at least.”
“What does it matter? Why don’t we just keep doing what we’re doing?”
“Because you don’t want her to go out with some other guy, right?”
Her words hit me right in the chest. I took too long to tell Rae how I felt, and she ended up with someone else. She was reminding me of my mistake and doing her best to say it as gently as possible. “Tell her how you feel, Ryker. Be completely honest with her. Trust me, she’ll be glad to hear it.”
When I thought about our time together, I knew Austen meant something to me. The relationship reminded me of what I had with Rae in some ways, but it was also better in a lot of aspects. Austen was my closest friend, the person I told everything to. I’d never had a woman in my life I was that close with—not even Rae. When Austen left in the morning, I couldn’t wait until I saw her again later that night. I didn’t check out other women because I didn’t even notice them. Austen was the only woman I wanted to be with—I knew that much. I couldn’t give her love right now because my heart was still attached to Rae. But I could give her everything else I had. “I need to think about it.”
“Okay,” she whispered. “I’m glad you’re
considering it. That tells me she really is important to you.”
“Yeah…”
“Let me know what you decide.”
“Okay.” I missed Austen the moment she left my apartment, but I also missed the woman on the other line. How could I feel the same thing for two different people at the same time? I’d never cared enough about a single person in my lifetime, but now I cared about two different women.
How did I get here?
Chapter Twenty
Austen
I just got home from work, my unused gym bag over my shoulder, when someone knocked on my door.
Ryker wouldn’t just stop by unannounced. It wasn’t his style. It could be Maddie or Jenn, but they would probably give me a heads-up. If I were lucky, it would be a Girl Scout able to make me feel even worse for skipping the gym.
I checked through the peephole because, after all, this was New York City. Lots of weirdos around. I hadn’t seen any in my building, but you didn’t have to be a genius to sneak inside.
It was Nathan.
I wasn’t sure how he knew where I lived, but it didn’t surprise me that he figured it out. A phone call would have been appreciated, though. I opened the door and came face-to-face with him. “Don’t show up on my doorstep ever again. If you wanna talk, call me.” I came across as a little rude, but I didn’t appreciate the breach of privacy.
Nathan immediately wore a guilty look. “Sorry. My friend Sam lives on your floor. I left his apartment when I saw you walk by…so I thought I would stop by and say hi. I guess you didn’t see me. You looked like you were on a mission to get home.”
Guilt washed over me after the snappy way I just told him off. “Oh…sorry.”
“It’s okay. You’re right, I probably should have called.”
Now that we were face-to-face on my doorstep, I didn’t know what to do. I could invite him inside, but that seemed too intimate for our situation.
Nathan didn’t wait around for an invite. “You wanna catch the game at Hubble? It’s just down the block.”
It was a sports bar near my place. I’d been there a few times.
“We can split a basket of garlic fries.” He waggled his eyebrows. “And the first round is on me.”