by M. E. Castle
The fancy clothes looked pretty silly by themselves, but adding to the silliness were the handkerchiefs. Everybody had one tied over his or her nose and mouth.
Thanks to the mint in his nose, Kyle couldn’t tell what the general smell level of the castle was.
It clearly was still pretty bad.
A small band played in one corner, and Claudius stood near the band, clapping not quite in time to the rhythm. The band kept changing tempo to match his claps, because he was the king—and a terrifying one at that.
Claudius was the only one without a handkerchief tied to his face. He seemed to just be gritting his teeth and pretending there was no smell.
“Nobrolee! Nobrolee!”
Gabe’s voice pierced the crowd’s noise, and Kyle finally spotted the toddler. He was sitting on one of the tables in a full jester outfit, shaking broccoli stalks like maracas.
Rage flooded Kyle’s veins.
Gabe hated broccoli! Kyle was pretty sure he’d heard him having nightmares about it. His jaw clenched. Nobody tortured his brother with broccoli! (Other than him. Two or three times. But that was different.)
Kyle kept going, wondering if anyone had seen them yet. And as though the crowd had heard his question, he finally heard gasps.
“What is that?” a woman shrieked from below.
Looks like you’ve been spotted! Oh, this is so exciting!
Kyle wanted to say something, but he needed his breath to push the wheelbarrow. He settled for rolling his eyes.
“It’s just … drifting!” a man said.
“It can’t be,” King Claudius gasped. The band stopped. He stared up at them, going almost as pale as the sheet over Hamlet and Halley. “It can’t be … Hamlet?”
Kyle panicked. “He knows it’s you!”
“No,” Hamlet whispered from under the sheet. “Hamlet was my dad’s name, too.”
“We better scram before he sends the guards up here,” Halley whispered.
“Just a little farther,” Ophelia said. “Then we’ll hit the end of the balcony and ‘disappear.’”
Kyle was sweating with effort. They were so close!
But the pressure on his bladder was enormous. He began to do a little tap dance, hopping from one foot to the other.…
“Watch out!” Halley yelled.
But it was too late.
The wheelbarrow fell to the left, hitting a weak point in the railing. The old stone crumbled, and Hamlet, Halley, and the wheelbarrow plunged through it, pulling Kyle and Ophelia along with them. They fell in a huge heap onto a banquet table.
SKKKRONCHH!
The room spun as Kyle got to his feet, pulling the sheet from around his head. He was covered in goose grease, raisins, bits of parsley, and various other food scraps.
And King Claudius was glowering at them.
And the guards all pointed their sharp spears at them.
And Kyle still had to pee.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
THE RETURN OF PRINCE HAMMIE
“I knew it!” King Claudius yelled as the kids scrambled to their feet. “I knew it!”
Despite the fact that he was covered in a not-so-regal crown of parsley, Hamlet drew himself up to his full four feet and one and a half inches.
“I’m not going to England!” Hamlet announced. “I’m the rightful king! You all know that. When my father died, the crown should’ve come to me.”
“When my dear brother died, Hammie,” Claudius said, “you were too young to rule. It was my job to run things until you were fit to take over.”
He looked around at the whole court. Then he raised both hands toward Hamlet. “You’ve raved about a ghost floating around. And even more alarming, you’ve set off stink bombs so pungent that people can barely walk through the castle without passing out!”
The king jabbed his finger at Hamlet. “The royal court and myself are unable to properly rule because we must choke our way through every function and meeting. Denmark is on the verge of collapse, and now, to top everything off, you’ve put on this puppet show!”
“That’s a lie!” Kyle said, as he scanned the banquet hall looking for his brother. “You set off the stink bombs. We can prove it, too.”
“Oh?” Claudius sneered. “Let’s see your proof.”
“We don’t have it with us,” Halley said, “but we’ve seen it. If you’ll just listen…”
“Ba-HA! Ba-HA ha-HA!” Claudius laughed, but not very nicely. “Do you think we have the memory of a goldfish? You were just caught red-handed faking evidence.”
As Claudius spoke, more and more of his guards appeared in the room. Kyle looked frantically, but he didn’t see his brother anymore. The only people he could see were the lords and ladies, who had made a wide circle around them, wearing expressions that told Kyle a real ghost would’ve been far more welcome.
Claudius cleared his throat. “All of this brings me back to my main point. Hammie, with this latest stunt, the only thing you’ve proven is that you are not fit to rule. The laws of the land are very clear. The king must be sound of mind, fair of judgment—and not spend his time playing pranks and making up spooky tales, because managing a kingdom is a full-time job!”
Claudius gestured with his right hand, and two guards approached Hamlet, one on either side. They both held long, very sharp spears.
“I was trying to help you,” the king continued, “but it’s too late now. I’m going to make a royal proclamation. Sound good? Okay, then,” he went on, cutting off Hamlet’s reply. “I proclaim that you are no longer a prince, Hammie.”
“Hamlet,” Hamlet spat out, but Claudius wasn’t done.
“I also proclaim that you are grounded, forever. You’ll be locked in your chambers until further notice. And by ‘until further notice,’ I mean ‘until the sun explodes.’ Your personal library will be locked up. The only books you’ll be allowed to read will be my own masterpiece, A Short History of the Eggplant, volumes one through twenty-seven.”
Hamlet’s face dropped like someone had just smashed twenty-seven eggplants into it. The guards hefted their spears higher on their shoulders, and their well-polished heads glittered in the torchlight.
“Blinkystick!”
Gross Gabe appeared from under a chair, quickly crawling at one of Claudius’s men like a tiny guard dog.
“Shineey! Shineey!”
“What in the—?” Claudius got out. “Guards, remove that pest!”
One of the guards stepped forward, reaching down to grab Gross Gabe with one hand and readying his spear with the other.
“NO!” Kyle yelled, big-brother mode switching on automatically. It felt like he had no control of himself as he did the dumbest thing possible: He ran straight at the guard.
The words poured out of his mouth while his helpless brain sat back and watched it happen. “No! That’s my brother, and he’s not allowed near sharp things!”
Kyle knocked the spear away from Gabe. The guard, shocked, actually dropped it. The sharp end swung down, missed Claudius’s nose by inches, and slashed open a large pouch on his belt.
Dozens of little green balls spilled out.
Several of them hit the floor and popped open, unleashing skunkblossom in its most concentrated form. It was like a tidal wave of rotten fruit crashing against a beach covered in week-old whale carcasses.
“The stink bombs!” Halley cried.
But no one could hear her.
They were too busy running, jumping, crawling, and climbing away from the unleashed stench. One lord leaped into a barrel of water. Two ladies grabbed torches and frantically waved them around to clear the air, almost lighting each other on fire.
Chaos reigned.
And it really stank.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CAUGHT ROTTEN-HANDED!
Everyone panicked when the stink bombs hit. Everyone, that is, except for those with mint stuffed up their noses, and Claudius, who whipped a cloth from his pocket and tied it around his nose and mouth
and inhaled deeply. He’d soaked his handkerchief in some sort of sickly sweet cologne, and from where Kyle stood he could smell it even over the stink bombs.
“It was him!” Halley said, pointing to Claudius. “He made the castle smell bad! He set Hamlet up!”
Unfortunately, nobody was listening.
“You’ll never stop me!” Claudius bellowed through the handkerchief on his face. He looked like the Wild West’s fanciest cowboy. “Guards!”
He crossed his arms and waited for his guards to seize the four kids. Then he looked left and right and realized the guards were just as nasally distressed as everyone else.
“Drats,” he said. “I knew I should have given the guards Tybalt’s Violent Violet–infused hankies, too.”
“The smell is the least bad thing you’ve done since you took over,” Ophelia said.
The ladies and lords of the court were starting to succumb to the stink bombs. They began falling to the ground, unable to escape the dreadful fumes.
“We need to clear out the smell and wake them up!” Hamlet said. “They need to see what he really is! And we can’t let Claudius escape…”
He took a step toward a sleeping duchess, stopped, and then took a step toward Claudius. He looked back and forth, unable to decide what to do first.
Ophelia did not have trouble deciding. She picked up a huge goose drumstick, raised it over her head, and charged at Claudius.
“Come on!” Halley said to Kyle. “She’s too small to take him alone!”
Kyle picked up his brother and gave him a tight squeeze. “I missed you, little buddy. I promise I’ll always take care of you.”
“Iss yoo!” Gabe said happily, and patted Kyle’s hair with his sticky hands. Carefully, Kyle put Gabe under a chair where he wouldn’t accidentally be hurt. After all that had happened, he wasn’t going to take any chances.
“Oo uck!” Gabe said as Kyle armed himself with a big handful of grapes. Halley took a bread stick in each hand. They joined the chase.
It was the first food fight in the history of the kingdom. Kyle, Ophelia, and Halley battled Claudius with food. They hurled pudding bowls like grenades and fenced with asparagus spears, forcing Claudius to back up … right into Hamlet, who was still trying to decide what to do: wake the court or chase the king.
“Thanks for your help!” Halley said. “Hope you’re enjoying all this!”
Tremendously. Please, don’t let me interrupt your battle for the fate of a kingdom.
Claudius suddenly grabbed Hamlet in a tight grip and then snatched a butter knife from the table. He held the knife to Hamlet’s throat.
“All of you, back!” he shouted, eyes blazing.
Kyle, Ophelia, and Halley screeched to a halt.
“Now then,” Claudius said. “Let’s discuss the terms of your—your—”
The blood drained from his face and the knife dropped from his hand. “AAAAAAAAAAHHH!”
Kyle followed Claudius’s gaze.
There, hovering two feet from the ground and glowing like a lamp, was a ghost.
A real ghost.
“See?” cried Hamlet. “I told you so.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
GHOST ATTACK!
Kyle screamed!
Halley screamed!
Ophelia and Hamlet screamed!
This was definitely not someone wearing a sheet in a wheelbarrow.
It was a ghost.
Even though Kyle could see through the bluish-white specter, its features were very clear.
It was a man about Claudius’s age. In fact, he looked kind of like Claudius—but he looked even more like Hamlet.
“You’re dead,” Claudius said, his voice quivering.
“Yes,” the ghost said. “It’s kind of hard to be a ghost when you’re alive. I mean, I never tried it, but it seems like that wouldn’t work, right?”
“Dad?” Hamlet gasped.
“Hey, junior,” the ghost said, smiling. “Sorry to just drop in like this. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the past week or so, but I think there are some transmission problems. Of course, I was happily slumbering until somebody stank up Elsinore so bad that I couldn’t sleep anymore. You think about that, Claudius.”
The ghost crossed his arms. “Your stink bombs smelled so bad, they woke the dead.”
“My stink bombs?” Claudius said in a quiet squeak. He cleared his throat. “I—I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Maybe he’s talking about that pouch on your belt full of stink bombs,” Hamlet said.
“Not to mention the secret storage room full of more stink bombs,” Kyle said.
The putrid cloud of the stench was finally clearing out. All around them, the court was waking up. Some of them looked as though they thought they were still dreaming while others gasped with terror.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the court,” Hamlet said to the awakening crowd, “my uncle is responsible for this grisly smell. Claudius has a storeroom filled with enough ingredients for stink bombs and poison that he could knock everyone out from here to Verona!”
Everyone’s eyes turned to Claudius.
“Nonsense!” the king squawked. “The Upper North Wing’s been closed for years! There’s no secret storeroom there full of snake venom and redcap mushrooms and stolen Montagues’ Stinky Mozzarella Pizza Cheese!”
“Hamlet didn’t say where the room was or what was in it,” Halley said with a grin. “You’ve been caught!”
Claudius’s mouth flapped slightly, but nothing came out of it.
“I think I’ve figured out King Claudius’s Evil Master Plan,” Ophelia said.
Kyle turned to watch Ophelia walk over to a tray with a goblet on it. The tray had a note that said: For Hammie.
“Can I have everyone’s attention, please?” Ophelia asked.
But everyone ignored her.
And honestly, Kyle couldn’t blame them. It was hard to look at anything else when there was a real-life (or real-dead?) ghost in front of them.
“Hey!” Ophelia said, snapping her fingers. “I’m trying to uncover treason here. Anybody?”
“LOOK AT OPHELIA,” the ghost commanded. “Or, uh, face my ghoooostly wraaaath.” He waggled his fingers in the air.
Clearly old King Hamlet was still getting used to being a ghost, but it worked. Everyone’s eyes instantly snapped to Ophelia.
“Thank you,” she said, and adjusted her cloak. “This drink was going to be delivered to Hamlet’s room.”
She took the goblet to a potted plant and tossed it in.
In just a few seconds, the big bushy fern turned brown and shriveled up.
The crowd gasped.
“Phew,” Ophelia said, waving her hand in front of her nose. “Just as I thought! Deadly Toadbelch. One of the most toxic and worst-smelling poisons there is.”
She took a step back from the plant, her face tinged slightly green.
“That’s what the stink bombs were for!” she explained. “Claudius filled the castle with skunkblossom stink bombs so no one would notice the smell of the Toadbelch poison when he finally decided to make his move. He then blamed the stinkiness on Hamlet, so that the court would find him too untrustworthy and immature to rule. Once Hamlet was out of the public eye, Claudius could take this final step”—she pointed to the poisoned plant—“to make sure he was never a threat again.”
“The same poison he used on me,” the ghost said somberly, gazing at the plant. Kyle’s jaw dropped. Every time he thought Claudius couldn’t get more evil …
The crowd gasped. Finally—finally—they believed.
“Well, that settles it,” Prince Hamlet said, standing up straighter. “I’ve always wanted to say this … Guards! Get him!”
The two guards closest to Claudius looked at Hamlet, then nodded.
But before they could grab him, Claudius shoved the guards aside, spun on his heels, and bolted out the nearest door. Other guards from around the room rushed after him.
“Try the Upper North Wing!” Hamlet shouted after them.
“Shineeey! Shineeey!” Gabe shouted, and pointed toward the crown that had fallen off as Claudius ran for his life.
Ophelia walked up to Gabe. “Good idea, young knight,” she said. She picked up Claudius’s crown, then took Hamlet’s arm. Together they walked to the throne, and Hamlet sat down.
“I crown thee,” Ophelia said, placing the crown on Hamlet’s head, “King Hamlet.”
The crowd stared, still unsure.
Then the ghost clapped—and everyone instantly broke into applause.
“Long live the king!” the ghost said in a slightly threatening voice.
“Long live the king!” everyone else shouted in a slightly terrified voice.
Kyle raised his arm in the air as he cheered, then immediately pulled it back down as the pain in his bladder came back full force. He still really had to go.
The ghost floated up to Hamlet.
“Good work, son,” he said. “I’m very proud of you. I wish I could stick around but, you know, I’m deceased.”
“Understood, Dad,” Hamlet said, smiling. “Feel free to visit anytime.”
“I’ll be sure to warn you next time,” the ghost said, and then he vanished in a thin mist.
“So what do you want to do, Your Highness?” Halley asked with a grin.
“Well,” Hamlet said as he settled into the throne, “my first act as king will be to undo every new rule that Claudius made, as of right now. It’ll be a lot of work to fix everything, but that’s part of being a king. It’s not about giving orders and wearing a crown. It’s about understanding what your people need. The people of Denmark need justice and fairness. I promise you: People who tell the truth in this kingdom will not be called liar or mad until there is firm, solid proof that they actually are lying!”