by R. A. Spratt
The French teacher was deeply offended. (He thought his aftershave, Eau de Cheese, smelled nice.) So Nanny Piggins was soon thrown out of his class and demoted down to Samantha’s grade, where she joined their home economics lesson.
When Nanny Piggins saw the spinach quiche the students were being taught how to make, she was horrified.
“Quick, throw them out the window,” Nanny Piggins urged her fellow students when the teacher turned her back.
“But what about our grades?” worried Samantha.
“Forget the grades,” said Nanny Piggins. “There are much worse things than getting a zero on an assignment, like being forced to eat a spinach quiche.”
The students saw the wisdom in Nanny Piggins’s words and hurled their classwork out the second-story window (much to the chagrin of the sports class doing sit-ups immediately below).
And so, even before lunchtime, Nanny Piggins was demoted to Michael’s class, where they were studying art.
“Today we will be studying the Flemish masters,” said the art teacher as he set up an overhead projector (always a sure sign that a very boring lesson is about to follow).
“I’d rather study Jackson Pollock,” declared Nanny Piggins.
“Who?” asked Michael.
“He was a brilliant artist who discovered that idiots would pay millions of dollars if he spattered paint about and generally made as much mess as possible,” explained Nanny Piggins.
“Abstract expressionism is not about making as much mess as possible,” contradicted the art teacher.
“Really? So if I picked up this five-liter bottle of red paint and splashed it all around the room like this…” said Nanny Piggins as she squirted huge splatters of paint across the walls, floor, and ceiling, “that’s not abstract expressionism?”
And so Nanny Piggins was soon sitting on the Naughty Bench outside the headmistress’s office.
“Do you think she is going to be all right?” worried Samantha. “What if the headmistress sticky-tapes Nanny Piggins to the flagpole?”
“Hah!” scoffed Michael. “I’d be more worried for the flagpole.”
“She hasn’t even tried to rescue us yet,” said Samantha.
“She seems to be having too much fun annoying all the teachers,” said Derrick, “but I’m sure Nanny Piggins will get around to it.”
And Derrick was quite right. The children had only been sitting in their next class for three minutes when suddenly the fire alarm went off, and a voice crackled over the school’s public address system: “Students of Dampworthington’s, this is Matahari Curruthers-Dingleberry speaking. I have locked your horrible headmistress in the attic. My real name is Nanny Piggins, and I am here to set you free from this brutal regime. I suggest you rise up and capture all your teachers now. If you hold them still, I will come around to each of the classrooms and help you tie them up.”
The student body did not hesitate for an instant. They lunged at their teachers. Some of them had been students at the school for many years, so they had a lot of pent-up emotions to express. And they did not need Nanny Piggins’s help. Using their belts, school ties, and ribbons, they had every member of staff tied up in the school gymnasium in less than five minutes.
In the melee, Derrick, Samantha, and Michael found one another, then went in search of Nanny Piggins. They bumped into her just as she was dragging Bruno the bus driver into the gym.
“Nanny Piggins!” exclaimed Samantha.
None of them said any more. They were too busy hugging.
“Um, excuse me,” said one of the older students politely, not wanting to interrupt the hug.
“Yes,” said Nanny Piggins, looking up, but not letting go of Derrick, Samantha, and Michael.
“What do we do now?” asked the student.
Nanny Piggins looked at the group of two hundred huddled children, all as gray as their school uniforms. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“Don’t ask them rhetorical questions. They aren’t allowed to answer,” explained Derrick.
“We must raid the kitchens!” announced Nanny Piggins.
So Nanny Piggins led the children hollering and cheering down to the school kitchen, where they broke open the door and burst into the pantry. The hilarity immediately stopped. There was nothing in the pantry except two hundred industrial-sized boxes of porridge, one hundred loaves of stale brown bread, and three hundred cabbages.
“What is the meaning of this?” asked Nanny Piggins. “Where’s all the food?”
“That is all the food,” explained Samantha. “That’s all they feed us here.”
“Diabolical!” exclaimed Nanny Piggins. “But never fear; I will soon find you some real food to eat.”
Nanny Piggins held her snout high and sniffed about. She quickly latched on to a scent. “Follow me, this way,” she said. And so all two hundred students followed Nanny Piggins as she sniffed her way along the corridor, down a staircase, around a bend, and into the east wing of the building. There Nanny Piggins’s snout led them to the farthest room, where no student had ever been before—the staff common room.
“We’re not meant to go in there,” warned Samantha.
“Good,” said Nanny Piggins. “If we are all going to be expelled we might as well do a thorough job of it.” And she pushed open the door. But the children were too stunned to enter. The staff common room was the most opulent room they had ever seen. There were leather recliners, three-inch-deep wool carpets, central heating, huge wide-screen TVs, and silver platters loaded high with chocolate and sweets of every variety.
“Wow!” said Michael, which perfectly summed up what they were all thinking.
The children were too astonished to know how to react. Fortunately Nanny Piggins was there to guide them. “Dig in,” she instructed.
The children surged forward and started scoffing. Apart from the chocolate and sweets, Michael (who had a talent for finding forbidden food) also found a giant refrigerator hidden behind a secret panel in the wall, and it was crammed with every flavor of ice cream known to man. So the children chomped, licked, and munched away happily for hours.
The student body of Dampworthington’s had just reached the happy point of having eaten so much they felt too ill to even move when Headmistress Butterstrode (slightly disheveled from having had to bite her way out of the jump ropes Nanny Piggins had tied her up with) appeared in the doorway.
“Out! Out, all of you. You filthy, greedy ingrates—out of this common room and assemble in the quad immediately!” she yelled slightly hysterically.
The children scurried as quickly as their swollen stomachs would allow them, out into the quad where they stood in perfectly formed lines with their heads hung in shame.
“You have all been very naughty,” scolded Headmistress Butterstrode, “but you, Matahari Curruthers-Dingleberry, have been unforgivable. As such, I have called the school authorities and they will be arriving shortly to prescribe the appropriate punishment.”
“Expulsion?” asked Nanny Piggins hopefully.
“Oh, no,” said Headmistress Butterstrode. “No student is ever expelled from Dampworthington’s. That would be a reward. And we do not reward students here. We punish them.”
Derrick, Samantha, and Michael began to worry. Perhaps their nanny’s plan was not as well-thought-out as they had assumed.
Just then a black car turned into the school’s driveway.
“Aha,” said Headmistress Butterstrode. “You are in real trouble now. That is the School District Superintendent. He’ll be dealing with you personally.”
“I’m sorry?” asked Nanny Piggins. “Did you say you called in the District Superintendent?”
“Yes, I did,” said Headmistress Butterstrode. “I bet you’re feeling sorry now.”
“Well, this is going to be interesting,” said Nanny Piggins.
The black car pulled up next to the quad, the door opened, and the District Superintendent stepped out. The Green children immediately recognized the plu
mp elderly man. He was the same School District Superintendent who had inspected their old school when Nanny Piggins had been headmistress for the day. The same superintendent who had fallen deeply in love with her.
“Superintendent,” said Nanny Piggins as she whipped off her red wig and thick glasses and dazzled the Superintendent with her most winning smile.
“Headmistress Piggins!” said the Superintendent breathlessly. During the months that had passed, the Superintendent had convinced himself he was over his infatuation with the world’s most glamorous flying pig, but as soon as he saw her he realized he was not.
Headmistress Butterstrode stared in openmouthed shock as the Superintendent rushed forward to kiss Nanny Piggins on the trotter, gushing, “Oh, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so.”
Suffice it to say, the meeting in the school office that followed did not go as Headmistress Butterstrode had expected. After two hours of discussion, the Superintendent, accompanied by Nanny Piggins and Headmistress Butterstrode, emerged to address the school.
“I have been informed by Headmis… I mean, Nanny Piggins, of all that has gone on at this school—” began the Superintendent.
“But she’s just a pig,” protested Headmistress Butterstrode.
“I’ll have none of that,” snapped the Superintendent. (He could be quite masterful when he wanted to be.) “I will not allow you to malign such a fine lady.”
Nanny Piggins smiled.
“As such, I have decided to follow Nanny Piggins’s recommendation and close this school immediately,” said the Superintendent.
The entire student body erupted in cheers.
“All the teachers will be fired…” continued the Superintendent.
The students cheered again.
“And I ordered a team of bulldozers to come and demolish the school building in less than an hour,” concluded the Superintendent.
The students did not think they could be any happier. But just then a truck pulled into the school’s driveway.
“That truck looks familiar,” said Derrick.
“It should,” said Nanny Piggins.
It was Hans the baker’s truck being driven by Boris.
“I called Boris and told him to bring supplies. If we are going to have a demolition party, it would be rude not to provide refreshments,” explained Nanny Piggins.
Much, much later that night, Nanny Piggins, Boris, and the children returned home to the Green house. When he heard them come in, Mr. Green did not protest or question them. He stayed hidden in his office. You see, getting rid of his children had not brought Mr. Green the relief he had expected. As soon as he had the house to himself, Mr. Green had known it was too good to be true and that his luck could not last. If anything, it was a relief just to have the children back and let things return to normal, and not to be attacked by a vengeful Nanny Piggins as he had expected. (Little did he realize that Nanny Piggins had a long memory and fully intended to exact revenge at a later date.)
“Are you happy to be home, Nanny Piggins?” asked Samantha.
“Oh yes,” said Nanny Piggins. “Sleeping in Boris’s shed was all right for one night. But I much prefer being here with my whole family.”
To celebrate, Nanny Piggins asked Boris to bake a great big chocolate cake. She would have made it herself, but she did not want to stop hugging the children, not just yet.
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Everyone loves Nanny Piggins!
Praise for Nanny Piggins and the Wicked Plan:
“Feisty, funny Nanny Piggins and her adoring charges will charm readers and listeners…”
—Kirkus (starred review)
Praise for The Adventures of Nanny Piggins:
“Mary Poppins, move over—or get shoved out of the way. Nanny Piggins has arrived.… This is smart, sly, funny, and marvelously illustrated with drawings that capture Nanny’s sheer pigginess.”
—Booklist (starred review)
“Readers looking for nonstop giggles and cheerful political incorrectness will devour this as quickly as Nanny Piggins can consume a chocolate cake.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Reluctant and avid readers alike will get caught up in this book’s humor, charm, and adventure.”
—School Library Journal
Nanny Piggins’s World-Beating Cake Recipe
The Boris
(Chocolate soufflé with a piece of honeycomb stabbed in the center)
This is the dessert Nanny Piggins and Michael invent in Chapter Eight of Nanny Piggins and the Runaway Lion.
Soufflé has a reputation for being very difficult and tricky to cook. This is not at all true. Soufflé is only difficult if you cook it for a dinner party and the guests ruin your preparations by ringing the doorbell or trying to talk to you or get you to make eye contact with them.
If you do what Nanny Piggins does and cook soufflé as an afternoon snack when there are no distracting guests to bother you, or pesky vegetables or soup courses to cook at the same time, then you won’t have any difficulties.
If you have a social disposition and insist on friends coming to visit, then Nanny Piggins recommends not inviting them to dinner. Instead, invite them to watch you cook and eat a soufflé. The result will be much more educational for them and satisfying for you.
If your guests complain of hunger, you can order a pizza, but only after the soufflé has been given the proper respect and attention it deserves.
Ingredients
6 eggs
1 pound dark chocolate
3 tablespoons powdered sugar
1 piece honeycomb (or even better, chocolate-covered honeycomb)
1 very large box of assorted chocolates
1 responsible adult
Directions
1. Capture a responsible adult (preferably one with advanced circus training, but any trustworthy person over the age of twenty-one will do). They will be in charge of operating the oven, handling hot things, and dialing 911 if they accidentally hurt themselves because they are not paying close enough attention.
2. Butter an appropriate-sized oven dish (about six inches in diameter) and place it on a metal baking tray.
3. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.
4. Separate the eggs so that you have six egg whites in one bowl and four egg yolks in another bowl. (You will have two egg yolks left over. You can give these to someone making an egg-white omelet to make it taste better.)
5. Break up the dark chocolate into a bowl and then soften it in the microwave. (How long this will take depends on your microwave, so do it cautiously the first time, in forty-second blasts on a medium setting.)
6. The assorted chocolates are essential at this stage. Open the box and start eating them liberally to prevent yourself from eating the soufflé ingredients.
7. Whisk the egg yolks.
8. Mix the melted chocolate with a wooden spoon until smooth.
9. Combine the chocolate with the egg yolks.
10. Whisk the egg whites until they reach soft peaks, add the sugar, and keep whisking until the egg whites reach stiff peaks. Once they reach stiff peaks—stop! Don’t overwhisk them. (If you accidentally overwhisk them, don’t panic; just add another egg white and carefully whisk in.)
11. Now pour the chocolate and yolk mixture onto the egg whites and fold it in carefully with a wooden spoon. You want to retain as many air bubbles as possible. So don’t worry if there are a couple of unmixed patches.
12. Pour into the buttered oven dish.
13. Pick up the tray with the dish and put it in the oven.
14. Bake for twenty-five minutes.
15. As soon as it comes out of the oven, stab a piece of honeycomb into the center, preferably chocolate-covered honeycomb. Then serve (or eat it yourself).
1The manager burst into tears because bears are hairy, and he was the one who had to clean the pool filter.
2A wok is a large,
round-bottomed Chinese frying pan. If you find that hard to visualize, just imagine a frying pan, and you will be close enough.
3Robert Falcon Scott was a British Naval Officer who, in 1912, set out to discover the South Pole. After an exhausting, dangerous, and bitterly cold journey, Scott and his team arrived at the South Pole only to discover they had been beaten there by Roald Amundsen by just thirty-three days. Scott and his entire team then died on the return journey. This tragic historical event captured the imagination of the public across the British Empire.
4Turkish delight is a delicious rosewater-flavored gel served in cubes and covered in powdered sugar. It was invented by Bekir Effendi, who opened a candy store in Istanbul, Turkey, in 1776. You may have heard of it if you have read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. In that book, the wicked queen uses Turkish delight to bribe the children, who have not seen candy for years due to war rationing.
5Dear Reader, please don’t think Nanny Piggins is cruel for blasting her brother in the face with a fire extinguisher. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is that it is incredibly difficult to wake up a fully grown Kodiak bear who has slipped into a super-deep hibernation sleep. So Boris doesn’t mind at all when his sister sprays him with fire-retardant foam. In fact, the first time Nanny Piggins did it was when Boris fell asleep on a birthday cake, and his eyebrows caught fire from the candle flame. Boris was very grateful that his sister took such immediate action; apart from waking him up, she also saved his eyebrows, which are so vitally important for making facial expressions such as glowering and looking astonished.
CONTENTS
COVER
TITLE PAGE