by Anthology
“Thank you.” I’m going to cry again, I can feel the emotion rising in my throat. I can feel the tears prickling behind my eyes. My skin heats up with the shame of it. “I need to get out of here.”
Ida folds me into her embrace again. Her mahogany hair tickles my face as I rest my chin on her shoulder. She smells exactly the same as always. I wish I had her alone.
“I love you.” I realise I haven’t said that yet. I’m glad I’ve said it now. I never say anything as truthful as those three words. “I love you,” I say again, to emphasise my point.
“I love you too, Percy, so, so much.”
HE’S ASLEEP NOW. Or a state something like sleep. The doctor explained earlier that he has hardly slept since he’s been here. I suppose his body must just be too exhausted to stay awake anymore. He fell asleep against my shoulder, but he’s moved several times since then. I shuffle in the uncomfortable wooden chair I’ve dragged beside his bed, watching as Percy thrashes in his sleep. His eyes flick back and forth beneath the lids as he sees unknown horrors in his unconsciousness. He cries out. The words are indecipherable, but they sound angry and afraid. I wish his face could be peaceful like I remember it being. I reach up and place my hand against his forehead, tracing my thumb along the frown lines there. His thrashing briefly stops and he looks peaceful for about a second. I notice the dark circles beneath his eyes now and how pale his skin looks. Suddenly he screams, so loud I jump backwards in fright. My chair falls with the abrupt movement, crashing against the floor. I immediately regret the reaction as his eyes snap open. He sits bolt upright, his gaze going to several things in the room I can’t see.
“Percy, Percy, look at me.” I approach him slowly, touching his arm. He faces me and I think, for an absurd second, he might hit me. The moment quickly passes, and he slumps against his pillow.
“Ida.” He’s still half asleep. “Miss Ida Sessel.”
I laugh now. “No, Mrs Ida Denton, if you recall.”
He smiles in his half-sleep state. “Oh yes, I’d forgotten for a moment. Mrs Ida Denton. Has a ring to it, I’d say.”
I smooth his hair out of his eyes. “My husband’s not too bad either, quite a handsome chap if I may say so myself.”
“Good looks run in the family, I guess I just got lucky.” He laughs properly now. This is the Percy I remember, the dashing, charming man who could make me feel like the only girl in the world. “Chose a rather attractive wife too, our children will be so good looking human eyes won’t be able to look upon them.”
“Children? Alright, one step at a time. Let’s get this war over with first.” As soon as I say it I want to take it back. I close my eyes as Percy’s brow furrows. The war, why did I mention the war? I sigh and lean in to kiss Percy’s cheek. Just one more minute, one more minute of the old Percy. His eyes open as soon as my lips touch his skin. The skin’s prickly where he hasn’t shaved. Before I can gather a thought his lips are on mine. His hands come up, holding my face to his as his mouth works. At another time I would have gone with it, sunk into his desire with gusto, but this seems wrong. His mouth works just a bit too fast while the hand in my hair clings on just a bit too tight. It hurts. I try to move away, but he clings on tighter. I try to speak, but I can’t. My heart rate picks up, and my eyes moisten.
Please stop, Percy. Please stop.
I bring my hands up and push against his chest, but he misinterprets the movement and shifts me slightly. He’s trying to move me so I’m on the bed. I remain rigid, pushing against his chest. Finally, I manage to get enough force behind me, and I push a bit harder. Percy’s grip loosens and I break free. I take several steps back, away from him. My heart’s racing and tears are now falling freely down my cheeks.
“Ida, what’s wrong?”
“Y-you, Percy. I wanted you to stop. Why wouldn’t you stop?”
I picture the sensitive man I knew, the one who would shower me with the lightest kisses, kisses where we barely even touched. He always left me wanting more. Why this aggressive change? His eyes soften and he looks at me in terror.
“I didn’t mean – Ida, I didn’t-”
He moves towards me, getting off the bed. He seems unsteady on his feet...weak. Lord knows when he last ate and his sleep only lasted an hour at most. He takes a step forward and I automatically take a step back. Once more I regret my body’s reaction. The doctor told me he wasn’t well, why hadn’t I listened? Percy stops, standing as still as a statue. His cheeks shine with tears and he sniffs back the mucus running from his nose.
“I’d never hurt you, Ida. I love you. I’d never, ever hurt you.”
I nod. “I know. I just-” I wipe my eyes on my sleeve. “You scared me.” I try to smile, to reassure him, but it falls flat. I’m about to walk towards him, to let him hold me, when the door behind us opens. It doesn’t open suddenly but Percy jumps. His expression settles into what can only be described as a snarl. He whirls around and smacks his fist into the doctor’s face. I scream, covering my cheeks with my hands, backing away from him. I feel a chest of drawers behind me. They’re empty so they move when I stumble into them.
The doctor yells for help and more footsteps can be heard running down the corridor. Percy is on top of the doctor now, pummelling his fists into his fleshy stomach.
“Percy, please stop,” I plead.
“No, I won’t let them touch you, Ida,” he says, with clenched teeth between punches. “He has to learn. I won’t roll over and let them hurt us.”
I cry out again in anguish. I know I should help but I don’t know how. I slide down the drawers, landing in a heap on the floor. I tremble in sorrow, as I watch the man I love completely change before my eyes.
I’VE GOT HIM. I know this won’t go unpunished, but for now, I’ve got him. I channel all my anger and thrust my fist into his stomach again and again. His nose is bleeding from the first punch and he’s winded from the subsequent attacks. All I can hear is the ringing. I see his mouth move as he calls for help or cries out in pain, I don’t know which.
It’s not until I see Ida that I stop dead, my fist halfway towards the doctor’s stomach.
She’s huddled on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest and there’s tears running down her face. How much have we cried in the few hours we’ve been reunited? I smile at her, trying to get her to understand that I am doing this for us. For her. She stares back in terror.
The ringing in my ears dulls until I can hear a sobbing sound. It’s Ida. The sound rips at my heart. I drop to my knees, still a few feet away from her.
“Ida? I will never hurt you, Ida.” I repeat my sentiment from earlier when I had lost control. When I’d let the voices take over. I hate myself for letting that happen. I hate myself now for making her look like she does. I feel sick to my stomach with hatred. “It’s just them, they’re here for me!” I plead with her to believe me, to not be afraid of me. They’ve gotten to her first. What power do they have that they can turn her against me…the person who has been there with me since we were eight years old. “Please believe me,” I beg.
Ida wipes her eyes roughly, sniffing as she does so. She has her composure reassembled in seconds.
“You’re sick, Percy,” she whispers in the darkness. “Why won’t you let them help you?”
I look at her in disbelief for a few seconds, and then go to reach out for her. I need to touch her. My mind is telling me I need to touch her. If I don’t, I’ll die. But someone has my arm and now my other arm too. I thrash from side to side, hearing Ida sob again. I fight with more vigour.
“Let me go,” I snarl, desperate to get back to Ida. I need to touch her, to hold her, to tell her everything will be alright. “Let me go,” I scream louder and louder but their grip only tightens.
How many of them are there?
All I can see is a blur of khaki uniform and white coats as I fight. I throw my limbs around but their grip is too strong. I can’t get any of them. I scream as loud as I can, trying to shock them into letting go
, but it doesn’t work. Before long they have me on the ground, my face pressed against the cold wooden floor. I can taste blood where I’ve bitten into my lip again. It’s all so similar to that night in the trench, so similar I can feel vomit rising up my throat. I throw up just as I feel the needle pierce my skin. I’m rolled onto my side and a flurry of nurses wipe my mouth, laying cloths over the puddle on the floor. I can’t see Ida. Where is Ida? My vision is fading. What have they given me? They’ve done this to me before. I’ll be asleep now for hours…or days. I’m not sure.
“Ida,” I bellow again and again. “Ida!”
I TURN AROUND, unable to listen to him screaming after me like this. The pain in his voice is unbearable. Once I’m out the door I lean against the wall, pressing my forehead to the cold stone. Percy’s screams cease, as if someone has flicked a switch.
“Just let me die.” His voice is empty, defeated and hopeless. It’s like he’s completely given up. It pierces through my heart, splitting it down the middle.
Just let me die. Just let me die. The words play over in my head, stabbing me with pain every time I recall them.
Just let me die.
The grief of the words courses through my veins. When I’d first seen him in that room, huddled under the covers, I'd been relieved. Shocked, yes, but the relief was stronger. I'd seen men with their limbs missing, their faces scarred. I had thought if only he could see me, he'd be fine. I realise now how wrong I was. Whatever he has seen has made him a completely different person.
I walk down the corridor, wanting to move, to keep moving.
Just let me die.
The phrase keeps echoing around my skull. No. I have to help him. I have to be there for him. If he’s lost hope, I’ll find it. Our love has defeated so many obstacles already, what’s one more hurdle on the way to happiness?
With that resolve in mind, I turn, without breaking my step once. I practically fly back to his room. I have to tell him I love him. I made a vow not too long ago that I would be there for him and I meant it, I still do. I feel sick that I left the room at the first sign of trouble. I fling open the door, in the scuffle no-one has bothered to lock it, and charge in, slightly out of breath from the speed I used to get here.
“Mrs Denton, I thought you'd gone.” It's the doctor. He's holding a wet cloth to his nose and sitting in a chair. A nurse stands beside him with a worried expression, but the doctor continues to look at me.
I shake my head, no.
“You can leave if you want to. He is quite safe here.” He gestures towards Percy, asleep on his bed with the covers up to his chin again. I take a step towards him and stretch out my hand.
“I can't leave any more than you can, Doctor.”
The doctor chuckles in a knowing way.
“It's true, I work too much. It's the least I can do though. Think of what these poor men - boys - have seen. And here I am, with a warm bed every night and food in my belly.”
I pull back the blanket a little to reveal Percy's hand. Even in sleep, his fist is clenched. I gasp as I see the leather strap around his wrist.
“We had to restrain him. I hope you can understand.”
I nod as I run my fingers over the strap and down to his warm skin. I close my hand over his, feeling a rush of happiness as his fingers loosen, the tight fist unclenching at the feel of my touch. He shifts ever so slightly closer to me and grips my hand back.
“We'll do everything we can to help him, Mrs Denton. I won't give up on him.”
I look at the doctor now and see the honesty in his face, the determination to help. “I know you won’t, Doctor. Thank you.”
“I think - and it doesn't seem like it to you, I'm sure - but I think he's healing already with you here. There were some moments while you were here, when he seemed like any other young man in love.”
“I hope you're right. I can't bear to see him like this. That makes me sound awful. I'm sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry for. You send off your husband and the man that returns is completely different. That's never going to be easy. Take it from someone with experience, though, you're handling this very well. Much better than most. That's admirable in my book.”
There's a short pause where we both watch Percy sleep.
“I'm afraid I may have to retire for the evening, Mrs Denton. I will leave you in safe hands, you shan't be left alone.”
“I understand, Doctor, but he wouldn't hurt me, I'm quite confident of that.”
“Nevertheless, someone will be here with you, for company if nothing else.”
I smile again, trying to convey my thanks through this one gesture. I squeeze Percy's hand as I watch the doctor leave. Another man, a spare chair in one hand and a book in the other, sneaks in as the doctor leaves. He puts his chair by the door, sitting down almost without making a noise.
“Pretend I'm not here,” he murmurs as he cracks open his book, rests his ankle on his knee, and begins to read. I pull up the other chair so it’s beside Percy, take his hand again, and rest my head next to him.
"Goodnight, Percy. I love you."
I COME AROUND slowly. Each sense seems to be waking up individually. I can hear ringing before it dulls, giving way to the sound of breathing. There’s a warm hand in mine and the weight of someone beside me.
Ida.
I turn my head, pressing my lips against her hair. I remember the war and my eyes fly open, taking in the space around me. I try to sit up but I don’t seem able. I move my arms and legs more violently. Ida moves beside me and I freeze. I don’t want to startle her, not like I did yesterday. I swallow a large lump in my throat at the memory of her face the day before.
Why did she come back?
She looked so afraid, so sad. It had hurt so badly I had wished to die. I remember that now too. I wish they’d killed me, taken me from this hell.
What further torture could they inflict?
I lean towards Ida. It appears she has fallen asleep. I wish I could have been awake when she came back in. What was it that brought her back to my side?
The voices try to speak to me again, try to turn me against my love. Just the memory of her face last night, the tears streaking her beautiful cheeks, the way she had sat huddled on the floor, hugging her knees. Is that what I look like to her? I swallow again. I don’t want to cry. I’m supposed to be the strong one. The initial disarmament of seeing her yesterday resulted in a wave of emotion I couldn’t suppress, but I vow to be stronger today. I have to be. Ida moves again and raises her head. She looks groggy, small lines are pressed into her cheek where she has been resting against a crease in my bed sheets.
“Morning,” she mutters, her voice hoarse. She’s at her best in the morning. It’s my favourite time of day. It’s our time, the time when there’s just the two of us, before the rest of the world has been allowed in.
“Morning,” I reply. I try to raise my hand, to touch her cheek or to pull her in for a kiss, but the restraints bite at my wrists and ankles. I groan, unable to suppress my annoyance. Ida places a hand on my chest and my mind wanders to where else I’d like her to touch. She giggles a little, in a way that used to make me lose my mind completely, clearly grasping my train of thought. I see her notice that one of my pyjama buttons has come undone, and she slides her hand in the gap to rest her palm against my bare chest. I close my eyes to enjoy the sensation of her skin against mine.
“How are you feeling?” she whispers in my ear.
“Mmm?”
Ida giggles again.
“I said, how are you feeling?”
“Do we have to talk about me? I’m bored of it.” I groan, fidgeting against the restraints. Her hand is all I can think about. It seems to burn my skin where she touches me. “I want to talk about you. It’s more interesting.”
“I’ll put that down as an I’m fine, Ida, thank you then. You sound pretty normal to me.” She laughs, but there’s something in her voice. Her brow furrows as she looks at me. “No – I didn’t mea
n – I was only joking.”
There’s that same fear again. The voices are going, almost screaming in my mind. I close my eyes, silently telling them where to go.
“Percy, are you alright?”
“Yes, yes I’m alright! Will you stop fussing?” The ringing is getting louder, almost unbearable. I want to bring my hands to my ears, but the restraints are still in place.
“Percy?” She’s speaking softly but there’s anxiety there. I want to put on a brave face but all I can feel is the leather restraining my limbs, holding me down. I need a piss and I have an insufferable itch just behind my shoulder. Ida’s hands are on my wrist without me even having to ask.
“Oh, erm...don’t untie him, I’ve not...the doctor hasn’t given-”
Ida continues anyway. She has a determination in her face, a stubbornness that saw her through so many past hardships…that got her through working for my mother.
“I am untying him, whether the doctor approves or not. He isn’t a prisoner or an animal, he’s a patient.”
There’s a man here.
Who is he? Why is he sitting in my room?
My right wrist comes free first. To untie my left arm Ida climbs on the bed, leaning over me.
“Don’t go getting ideas, you,” she orders in an attempt at humour. I smile and place my free hand on her lower back. It’s the most action I’ve had in months. I groan again and she glances over her shoulder at the man behind her. I hear his boots clomp on the floor and he appears at the foot of my bed.
“Who are you?” I snarl, trying to sound as threatening as I can.
“An orderly, sir. I’m here to make sure your wife here doesn’t get hurt. I hope you’re not thinking of trying anything. I’ve been awake all night and fighting isn’t what I was invalided home from the line for.”
I rest my head back against the pillow, taking a deep breath to stop myself losing my temper. I can’t lose it with Ida here. Now all I can think about is how much I need to piss. I screw my eyes closed, trying to shift slightly as I did as a kid, wriggling in my seat when Mother wouldn’t let me leave the room. The second the restraints are off I jump from the bed, startling Ida and the orderly who jump back. I pay no heed and fly to the chamber pot in the corner of the room. Ida laughs as I start to urinate, a proper laugh this time. I peek over my shoulder and raise an eyebrow at her humoured expression.