by Anthology
I order a chicken noodle soup and garden salad and move to the side, waiting for my order to arrive. I fish my phone out of the bag and see that I have four missed calls, all from my mother. I grab my food and head to the far corner table next to the big windows of the cafeteria. People don’t really sit there during lunch because on the sunny days like today, it’s nearly impossible to last here more than few minutes with all the sun rays beaming through the glass. That is exactly why this is my favorite spot.
I take a seat and while I take the first spoonful of the soup, I dial my mom. There is nothing out of the ordinary that she called me three more times after I didn’t pick up. I’m surprised I only see four missed calls actually.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom. You called?”
“Oh, hi honey, yes I did. You were probably in class.” I nod, even though she can’t see it. “But I figured I would call you anyway. You didn’t call for a week, is everything alright?”
“Yes, I was in class and yes everything is alright mom.”
“Good, good.” There is some shuffling like she is in the middle of something. “Did you make any new friends so far?” There it is. I know perfectly well what she means by this question. It should definitely be phrased differently, not wrapped in bubble wrap.
“No, mom, so far nobody said anything to me about… how I look.” I hear her sigh on the other side and I put another spoonful of noodle into my mouth. “What are you doing?” I ask her with my mouth full.
“We are going on some business trip to New York. Your father asked me to go with him.“
“Oh, because it looks good,” I smirk and I can’t believe that she is still with him. Yes, it’s my father and maybe at some short point of my life he was fulfilling that role, I have pictures to prove it. But for the past few years he is nothing but absent, chasing his lifelong dream of becoming someone special in politics.
“It’s not like that Payton.” Somehow her voice doesn’t sound reassuring.
“That’s how I see it. Anyways, I have to speed up my lunch and get to the next class; you have fun in the big city and for once have some fun while you’re there. Call me when you get back?”
“Yes, I will call you as soon as we come back, take care, honey. Love you.”
“Love you too, bye.”
“I had no idea you have a boyfriend.” Ryan’s leg lifts in the air and he is sitting on the bench next to me with a leg on each side. “Does that mean I don’t stand a chance anymore?” He puts his palm over his chest like he’s wounded. Jerk.
“You never stood a chance to start with, you are the exact opposite of my type.” I jab the fork in the salad, bringing it fast to my mouth and chewing the crispy lettuce way too long.
He looks at me with his head to the side and his cheek is dipping. He’s thinking. “So you do have a type then, that’s a start.” He is grinning at me for a reason I don’t know.
Another forkful into my mouth.
“If he is nothing like me then he must have blond hair, be on the super skinny side, maybe some baggy clothes, heavy boots to go with that.” He must have seen me smiling because he nods his chin to the left “Like that guy? Does he fit the description?” I follow his gaze and thank God I just swallowed the food, otherwise, it would have landed on the table because I laugh way too hard.
“Will you go with me to the pool tournament this weekend?” the question sounded like he didn’t just ask me out, it sounded more of a; ‘which do you prefer chicken noodle or tomato soup?’ enquiry. My shoulders straighten and I turn my head slightly to see if this is one of those jokes that he is famous for, or is he actually serious. When I meet his piercing eyes looking at me in anticipation I’m almost sure that he is asking me for real. Why? I don’t know. It’s not like we know each other besides that time we spend in class four times a week and exchange a few sentences - mostly about his practice that I don’t really have much interest in, or where and with whom he was partying the night before. So no, we don’t know each other at all and this, him asking me out doesn’t make sense. A tiny shiver goes through my spine when an old memory flashes in front of my eyes.
“No, thanks. Have fun, though.” I grab the rest of the food from the table, rush to the garbage and throw in everything that I was holding in my hands. And I mean everything, including my cell phone that was somewhere between the half empty cup of soup and plastic salad bowl.
Fucking great!
I see him move in the corner of my eye and he comes towards me.
“Why not?” He is standing next to me while I lift the garbage top and peek inside. “What are you doing?” I can hear him laughing. “You decided to finish your salad after all?”
“Oh shut up Ryan, would you?” I lean over the can and fish my phone out of the trash. I don’t care that probably half of the cafeteria saw me going through the garbage like I was a crazy person. I don’t care that the hottest guy on this planet is looking at me like I’m insane. I storm out of the place faster than light travels.
I hurry to my dorm and as I throw my bag in, my eyes land on my running shoes next to the door. Shoes I haven’t used in a while because I was so out of shape after the accident I gave up running. But that didn’t stop me from buying new sneakers once in awhile just in case. I guess that case is right now. I throw the beige flats off my feet and fish out a pair of socks from my drawer. I put my pink Brooks on and bounce back and forth on my feet, trying to see how comfy they are. I take off my sweater and grab a pullover from the closet, grab my iPod from my tiny desk and I’m out the door. I remember that I saw the running trail when I was roaming around the campus the first week I was here, so I head over there.
I walk fast with my old playlist blasting in my ears. Britney spears to be exact. I used to listen to my iPod only when I was running, otherwise, I plug my headphones into my phone. Great I will definitely need to work on music upgrades if I decide to run again.
I hate that my hair is all over my face and I’m not even running. I look around and there is not a single person around. I have this huge urge to put my hair in a ponytail but of course, I don’t have a pony holder, why would I? The only time I put my hair up right now is in the shower, with the only pony holder I have, in my toiletry bag.
I start to run at a slow pace. I know I probably won’t be able to go for long but I will definitely give it all.
Maybe I should have listened to my father when he said that going back to college was not such a good idea. Staying in my hometown and attending community college where everybody knows me and not a single person asks unnecessary questions, was the best solution for him. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should listen to him for once and forget about my dreams, forget about getting away from what I know and exploring the unknown. Maybe I should stay in that cage town of mine and settle for the fact that I was a loner. A loner by choice. I have tons of friends that would be happy if I would just give them a call and ask them to hang out. I just didn’t want to. I was sick and tired of those side-glances at my face, I was sick and tired of those looks they would exchange, thinking I didn’t see anything. And I know they didn’t do it on purpose. I know they were as uncomfortable as I was, and I didn’t know how to deal with that. So I did what I thought was best. I stayed home most of the time, studied and read more books that a normal person should.
I became a loner.
A RED MERCEDES with plate number USC675 was standing at the green light and refused to move even though several people in the cars behind were honking, urging the driver to move. A few seconds after the red light appeared, the driver of the red Mercedes sped forward, even though the car on the left side was visible and dangerously close.
“That’s what the report says, Payton.” Laura’s voice cuts through the empty room. She lowers the papers to her lap and leans back in her big leather chair that is right across from Payton’s. “It’s pretty clear that you didn’t drive over that red light by accident Payton, you might think you did, because you are
trying hard to convince yourself that you are strong and that you would never ever think about doing anything stupid, like harming yourself. But the truth is Payton; you were trying to kill yourself. That was a suicide attempt and maybe it’s time you acknowledged that.”
Payton’s legs uncross and cross again, her hand reaches her bruised cheek and she strokes it slowly, eyes looking somewhere in front of her.
“When you are ready, I’m here for you. I want you to remember that.”
“I was confused, I had one beer and I guess I was tired and sleepy, I would never do something like that.” Her voice is strong and steady and any other person would believe that she is telling the truth, but not Laura. She keeps looking at Payton with a stoic expression, but her brain is in overdrive, trying to find a way, a crack that she could slip into and use to open that Pandora’s Box inside Payton’s head.
“I SWEAR TO God I will never run again,” I whine while standing in front of the closet on my shaky legs. What was I thinking? That after six months of not running a single mile I can go for five? I ended up on my knees on the ground and I might even have puked a little while I was trying to catch my breath. I’m pretty sure that I also cried. All the stuff running through my head got me fired up and I turned myself into a pity ball of emotions. Did it help? Nope. Or, maybe a little, because besides my jelly like legs I feel pretty good, so maybe that running thing will do me some good.
“If you ever decide to run again I might borrow your bicycle and go next to you, you know kind of like encouragement team or something.” Sam is still in her bed, checking what I’m sure is her Facebook page.
“Thanks, that’s really nice of you.” I throw over my shoulder and grab a change of clothes. “I’m pretty sure I can manage.”
“Not from what I saw last night.” She murmurs under her breath. I don’t have to ask her what she means. I’m sure I looked like a goddamn mess when I walked through the door.
“I’m heading to the shower and then I’m off to class. See you at chemistry.” That’s the only class we have together, which is weird as she is in a medical major as well.
“Uhmm” I hear as I close the door.
When I come back to drop off my toiletries the room is empty and there is a note on my bed.
Please grab me some handouts if there are any
Thanks
You are like the best roommate ever
Ok, so I guess I won’t see her at chemistry today. Again. I think she has only attended like 2 or 3 classes since the semester started.
I skip lunch in the cafeteria and walk to the pizza place a few blocks away. I don’t feel like seeing anybody today. Seeing one person in particular. Plus, the whole bunch of people that saw me playing garbage woman yesterday. No, thank you. I’d rather eat pizza or whatever they have over there.
I walk into the small space and to my surprise the place is as crowded as hell. I walk to the register and order a slice of pepperoni and a bottle of water. I’m about to pay when someone grabs me by my waist from behind. The weirdest panic paralyzed my whole body because I swear I know those hands and that ’hug‘ but that doesn’t make sense.
“I was wondering when I would come across you here, sweetheart.” Jimmy’s voice is hot on my face. Everything in me freezes. Everything. I don’t think my blood is flowing anymore. I don’t think my heart is beating anymore. I might just die at the sound of that voice. On instinct, I try to wriggle out of his strong hold but that seems pointless. Just like before.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were in Arizona.” That’s where he was supposed to be. That’s why I didn’t go back to my old college and transferred here, even though it wasn’t my first choice. “I transferred a week ago. Arizona weather didn’t really sit well with me.” Jesus. Typical Jimmy. Doing whatever he damned well wants.
Thank God my order is called and he releases me so I can grab my slice. “Nice to see you, I hope you enjoy this weather.” I try to sound relaxed but my voice shakes, just like my hands.
“See you around sweetheart.” I almost gag, or maybe I actually did gag at his words. Sweetheart! I thought I would never hear that word again. Ever.
What the hell he is doing here? The weather excuse is something I don’t buy at all. He dreamt of that college from what I remember and besides there is no architecture major in here. I chose this college based on that fact, so I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing him around.
I swear his presence is nauseating. I bite into my pizza while I walk back to the campus and I can’t help but remember that stupid night, that was the final pull on a string that was hanging very, very loosely anyway.
“Come on Payton, we’ve been going out for the past two years, don’t you think it’s time.” Jimmy’s hands slide under my thin tank top and slide higher to my bra.
“Jimmy stop.” A pleading whisper that goes unnoticed.
He unclips my bra and grabs my breasts, making me wince in pain. “Jimmy, I mean it, stop.”
“Come on sweetheart, don’t tell me you don’t like this.” His right hand is sliding under my skirt and going straight for the one place I plan on keeping pure for as long as I can.
I try to push him off me but he is way too strong, calling for help seems pathetic since I’m his girlfriend and we are at the party, everybody fools around. But I guess they all want to fool around like that, I don’t. ”Jimmy, get your hands off me.” Now my voice trembles and I start to feel the panic rising. He pushes me towards the bed and I feel the back of my knees touching the mattress one second, and the next, my back is flat on somebody else’s bed. “Jimmy, let’s wait, you are drunk right now, let’s do this the right way.” I try to reason with him, my voice now shaky, just like my whole body is.
“Nah, I’m fine and I think this is the perfect moment for you to finally show me how much you love me.” Is he kidding me? I think I stopped loving him a few minutes ago. He hikes up my skirt and starts pulling my underwear down. There is sheer panic and nothing else. I try to kick my legs at him but his thighs are keeping me hostage.
“Jimmy, stop!” I scream in hopes that someone can hear me over the loud music downstairs.
“You can scream all you want I don’t think anybody will hear you.” I know he’s right but I scream anyways. At the top of my lungs, I scream for help. The next thing I know the door is bursting open and Jessica, my best friend is standing in the doorway along with a few other people.
“What the fuck?” She rushes to me while Jimmy, my Jimmy who was supposed to love me for eternity; adjust his pants and smirks looking at some guy standing in the doorway.
“I’m done with her if you want to take a turn.” And just like that, he’s gone and I’m lying on some stranger’s bed with my panties pulled down and my shirt up revealing everything that should be sacred.
I realize that I have walked all the way to my dorm instead of campus and that salty tears are streaming down my face, going down a very familiar path. The path that is engraved deep into my skin.
Looking back, maybe running towards a red light was a little too dramatic and definitely way too risky, especially over some douchebag like Jimmy, but the emotions I felt that night were too much for me. The humiliation, the betrayal. The fact that I spent two years with someone who seemed so sweet and so caring but turned into that monster in a nanosecond was devastating. Plus the shame I felt when I was lying on that bed, half naked like we did, indeed, just have sex.
I remember that I ran out of that house seeing nothing in front of me because I was hysterical. I threw up next to my car and when I turned around and saw a group of people standing on the porch, pointing in my direction and laughing, that was the moment I made my decision. The decision I will regret my whole life. The decision I will have to live with my whole life. And now, he has the nerve to show up here and act like nothing happened? If he was that cruel back then, I don’t want to think what he is capable of right now.
FRIDAY EVENING. SUN shining through the
tiny clouds. Music in my ears and my feet moving forward at a steady pace.
Definitely not an ordinary Friday evening for a college girl. I’m sure that probably every other single girl on campus is putting her makeup on or standing in front of her closet trying to decide what she would wear tonight. For some it might be their lucky night, maybe they will meet the love of their lives, or maybe they would finally give up something to someone and became women. That’s what Sam is aiming for at least. I can’t believe she asked me to cover for her in case Ryan ever asks me how was that new Thai restaurant that opened a few weeks ago. She didn’t even tell me the name of the restaurant so I have to remember to Google that when I get back. But then, he never asks me about his sister, ever. Why would he ask now? I don’t think it’s likely, but I agree to cover the fact that she is going to some club, using a fake ID, with the guy that she is head over heels in love with. That’s what she said at least.
I think I’m on my fourth mile when my playlist ends and I run in silence for a minute or so when I hear stomping behind me. I don’t slow down or turn around, but I can tell that whoever is behind me is also a runner, so instead, I speed up a little bit. The steps behind me also speed up. Ok, creepy.
I spot a bench in front of me and I slow down with a brilliant plan to stretch so that someone will pass me and stop scaring the shit out of me. I come to a stop and put my foot up on the bench, lowering my torso to my upper leg, and touching my feet, I stretch.
“I almost didn’t recognize you with your hair up.” My hair up? Oh. My. God. My hair is up. I’d had enough of my hair flying around my face and in my face for the past week,so I decided to put it up while I run. There are not many runners at this time of the day so it’s not like I would bump into someone as a rule. Besides even when I do pass someone they are way too much into their running to look around at whoever is running next to them.