by Rebel Farris
I swatted at him, and he dodged my hand. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. When I’m not studying, I’m at band practice or derby practice or a heat or a gig or here with the girls. It never stops. When can I just be still, and alone?”
He walked around the couch and hit my legs so I’d make room for him to sit. I stuck my blanket-covered legs straight up in the air and settled them in his lap after he sat. Evan opened his soda and looked me over.
“I don’t have any answers, Mads. You probably need to prioritize what you’ve committed to and let the rest go.”
“I know, but in my mind, it’s all important,” I whined. “I feel like such a shitty mom, but I still have a semester left of school. I’ve no real clue of what I really want to do with my life. Plus, the girls will start school next year, so I gotta find a place and move them to Austin before then.”
“You’re the best mommy in the world,” Cora said with a grin. Her eyes were just as beguiling as her father’s.
I tucked a loose strand of black hair behind her ear and sighed. “You say that because I’m the only mommy you’ve got. You’ve got no frame of reference, little one.”
“What’s a frame of reference?” Cat asked.
Evan grunted, trying to stifle a laugh.
“It’s just a phrase that means you have nothing to compare it to,” I answered.
Her little mouth formed an O as she absorbed my answer.
“Your band is playing tonight, right?”
“Yeah, you planning to come see me play?”
“Sure am.” He grinned but then frowned. “Though Nic already warned me that I’m probably not going to like what I see.”
“We’re not that bad. I think you’ll like our music.”
“I don’t think he was talking about that.”
“Oh,” I replied. “It’s not that bad.”
“Would you let them go?” he said, pointing at the girls.
“No,” I said, scrunching my face up. “Definitely not.”
“Tell me about this guy Nic calls Front Man.”
I groaned and flipped over to bury my face in the pillow underneath my head. I did not want to talk to Evan about my kinky, casual-sex relationship. I confided in Evan more than most, but when it came to sexual stuff, Nic was my go-to guy.
“Enough about me. What’ve you been up to?” I mumbled through the pillow.
“Nice redirect,” he said. There was a smirk on his face when I peeked up at him from my hiding spot. “We’ll get to me, but you don’t talk enough about what’s going on with you, Mads. I’ve gotta get most of it from Nic.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Tell me about your guy.”
“He’s not my guy. We’re in a band together.”
“It’s more than that. Why don’t you want to tell me? I assume I’m going to meet him tonight anyway.”
“It’s not you. It’s just words. I don’t want to assign words to it. Words make it mean something. Assigns value and labels. Law and I don’t do that. We just have fun. Enjoy each other’s company, you know?”
“Maddie, you’ve been with this guy how long? Nic first told me about him about a year ago.”
“It’ll be two years by the end of the summer.”
“Is this your choice, or is he—”
“No! He’s a good guy. It’s not like that. He takes care of me. I’m just—I’m pretty sure he broke me, Ev.” My eyes flicked to the girls so he gets that I’m referring to Jared. “I’m scared of calling it something because I feel like that’s when he’ll want to leave. I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Does your guy know about them?” His eyes flashed to the girls before fixing back on me, brows raised in question.
I shook my head. “They don’t need to be confused any further. They already have an absentee dad, a part-time mom—” I had to stop myself because I was going to cry. They deserved better than this. “I don’t want to be one of those single moms with a parade of men in my life.”
“Maddie, come here.” Evan opened his arms, motioning me in for a hug.
I snuggled into his side.
“I think that might be part of it, but two years, Maddie? I suppose this’s sort of normal for you. You and Jared were expecting and circled each other for almost nine months before you guys even admitted to a relationship. If he’s stuck around this long and he’s not a total douche, you should maybe think about giving the guy some credit. One guy in two years does not constitute a parade.”
I started to protest, but he placed a finger over my mouth.
“Or maybe admit to yourself that it’s really over. You’re not letting yourself fully move on.”
Had I really been holding out hope still? That’s fucking ridiculous. Four years! Four fucking years!
“I don’t think it’s that. Or at least that’s not totally it,” I defended at his bland look. “I get it—we’ve known each other long enough that he should know that about me. It just never seemed like the right time.”
I rested my elbows on my knees and rubbed my temples.
“You know, at first it wasn’t any of his business,” I continued. “But later, it just seemed that by talking about it I was asking for more. I didn’t know if he wanted more. Hell, I didn’t even know if I wanted more. Now, it’s starting to seem like we may be more, but at this point, I don’t even know how to course correct. How do you tell someone you’re with that you’ve been keeping something like that to yourself?”
“I can’t tell you how to do it, Mads. I’m no expert,” Evan said. “But, I think you know what you need to do.”
Now
We’re running hitting drills in practice tonight, so I’m paired up with Ruby as we skate at a steady pace around the track. Bridget and Holly, our jammers, round the track trying to skate between each group of paired teammates. We have to keep an eye out for when they come up behind us; then Ruby and I come together to smash the jammer and block her from passing. It takes a while for them to make it through all the pairs and round the track back to us.
You should be more careful about who you kiss.
The words from the latest note are stuck in my head. I can’t think of anything else. The stalker is right. I should be more careful because I let the line get hazy at the lake, and again I got burned. Though I doubt that’s the altruistic warning he meant with that message.
“I heard a certain little girl popped the question,” Ruby says, keeping her eyes on the track.
It takes a moment for my brain to catch up to what she’s talking about. Audra. Her innocent question about whether I’d marry her dad. This is exactly what I was worried about. Things might be clear between me and him, but not everyone is in the loop.
“Yeah, it was awkward.” I try to laugh it off. “I’d no clue what to say to her.”
“I wouldn’t have a clue either, but is it that ridiculous?” she asks, scrunching her nose. “I’d think it was already pretty serious considering we even know you’re with him.”
My mind spins, trying to formulate a response. Shit. I can’t tell Ruby that it isn’t real. It’s not real. I’m his assignment. He’s made that quite clear. Everything we do is for show. Yet, we’ve grown closer these last two weeks of him following me around.
After the incident at the mall, he’s been glued to my side. But all everyone else sees is a caring boyfriend who wants to protect me from this threat. This whole fucking ordeal is messing with my head. I rub my temples in frustration.
I’m distracted by my thoughts and don’t see Holly approach. Ruby closes the distance between us. She crashes into me, and my wheels stick to the track while my body tips off-balance, and I crash to the floor, landing on my chin. I bite my tongue. Blood swells in my mouth as I lie there in shock.
At precisely that moment, I get a tickle in the back of my throat, forcing me to cough. Blood splats on to the concrete floor.
“O
h, God, are you okay?” Ruby says as she grasps my shoulders and helps me to my hands and knees.
The coughs are still racking my body. I hold that position for a moment until they pass. Red splatters cover my arms and coat the floor. Holly skates up with a bottle of cleaner and a wad of paper towels. I look back down, and the scene transforms in front of me. I’m no longer in the practice space.
There’s so much blood. It’s everywhere. It’s too much. There’s too much blood. It coats my hands and arms, soaking the front of my torn dress. My whole body shakes violently. I can’t breathe. I see the man standing there in the shadow, watching me. He was there. I gasp for breath, and a sob breaks free with a scream as I scramble to get away from the blood, get away from him.
Strong arms wrap around me, and I smell him first. His incredible aftershave or cologne that’s been haunting me for weeks. He carries me across the room. I don’t know how much time passes as I’m lost in my horrifying memories. Then I hear his voice.
“I’m here, Maddie. It’s Dex. You’re safe. You just fell and bit your tongue. You’re going to be okay. Can you hear me?” he says in a calm, soothing voice. How can he be so calm? I’m a messed-up freak. “You’re going to be fine. I’ve got you.”
I nod as my breathing begins to calm and my vision starts to clear. Dex’s thumbs cross my cheeks, rubbing the moisture away. When was I crying?
“Why do you care?” I ask between gasping breaths. “This’s all fake.”
His face changes from concern to confusion to something else. He hugs me close and buries his face in my neck, taking a deep breath.
“God. You kill me, Maddie,” he says as his lips brush my neck.
His deep voice reverberates through my skin. Chills spread over my body, shocking my system. I find a thread to guide my focus back to reality.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you,” I say, pushing Dex away and scrambling out of his lap to my feet. “I told you, I’m a mess. I just—I need a moment.” I wipe at my eyes and focus on the ground.
I turn and walk toward the bathroom attached to the visitors’ area. Someone took off my skates while I was out of it. My teammates have stopped, and their eyes track me. I close the door behind me and sag against it, dropping my head into my hands as tears stream down my face. I haven’t had an episode this bad in over a year.
There’s a knock on the door, and I pull it open. Dex steps in.
“Hey, let me help you.”
He places a gentle hand on my arm and guides me to the sink. He turns me and lifts me up to sit on the counter and grabs paper towels while turning on the water.
“I sometimes forget how hard this must be on you,” he says as he wets the paper towels and starts wiping the blood off my arms. “You handle it so well from day to day. It’s easy to forget.”
“Handle it well?” I scoff.
He leans down, getting eye level with me. “Yeah, you do. The funny thing is, you don’t see it.”
“Dex, I had a complete break from reality out there.”
“It’s understandable after what you’ve been through,” he argues, searching my eyes like he can see through me.
“It’s been four years. And it used to be so much worse, but I’m still not past it. That much should be obvious.” I look away.
He palms the side of my face, forcing me to look back at him.
“It’s been less than twenty-four hours since this sicko had last contact with you. I think you’re looking at this the wrong way and not giving yourself enough credit.”
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“I’ve read your file, so I have a pretty good idea. Plus, I went through this exact thing years ago after I made my first kill shot. I know it’s not the same. It never goes away. You can learn how to cope with trauma, but we’re not lucky enough to ever forget it.”
I gasp, and my head starts spinning. I don’t know why it never really sank in that he had access to my file—that he knows more than I’ve told him. I try to turn away, but he grasps the other side of my face.
“Look at me,” he commands.
My eyes dart around before they come to rest on him. His eyes crinkle at the corner in concern, and his lips twist into a frown. His tongue peeks out to wet his lips, and I’m mesmerized by the movement.
“This is real for me. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I said I wanted to get to know you, and I have. These past few weeks you keep telling me that you’re not worth it, but I’m with you every day, and I haven’t seen anything to warrant that assessment. I’ve seen nothing that would make me want to walk away. You just keep pulling me in, Maddie. I’m hooked. Can’t you see that?”
My breath freezes in my lungs. Dex searches my eyes as if expecting a response but I don’t know what to say to that. My shoulders slump in defeat. Tears well in my eyes, and when I look away he lets my face go and washes off his hands.
“I can’t go back on the pills. They don’t make it go away. They only make it more bearable. I don’t want to go back to feeling like a comfortable zombie. It’s like living on a cloud watching life happen to you, not living it yourself.”
He helps me down off the counter.
“No one is saying that you should. It’s just increased stress that’s stirring all this up. Come on, let’s get you home. It’s been a long day, and I don’t think they’re expecting you back at practice tonight.”
I nod and let him lead the way out the door.
Then
It was a rare night off for both me and Law. We were curled up on his couch watching Fearless Dragons, one of his many beloved kung fu movies. It was the final fight scene.
“Next time you have a fight, I’m bringing a leather belt and a piece of wood. I think all fights need these sound effects.”
“Are you trying to say my fights aren’t entertaining enough for you?” he asked, squeezing me against his chest. His fingers inched over, directly above a known ticklish spot of mine.
“No, seeing you shirtless and sweaty, beating the crap out of some poor schmuck, is more than entertaining.” I gave him a saucy leer. “It just lacks comedy.”
“Comedy? You mean, I don’t make you laugh enough?” And his fingers dug in.
I couldn’t stop the shriek, followed by uncontrollable cackling. I squirmed, but Law was fast and hooked his legs over mine. I was trapped.
“Stop. Please,” I pleaded. “Barnacle, barnacle.”
He paused long enough that the dude in blue flew to center screen and pawed bent fists in the air while neighing like a horse. I burst out laughing as the image of Law doing that in one of his fights filled my mind. I had tears leaking from my eyes.
“Oh, God, you should so use that move in your next fight. It’s not technically boxing, but I doubt they’d penalize you for neighing like a horse.”
He’d moved above me and was smiling down at me as my laughter died. At that point, the man in black on the TV screen made a move, hovering an open palm with bent fingers above his other fisted hand.
“The Dragon Fist. Oh no, not the Dragon fist,” I taunted the movie. “Did you hear that? Only one man can survive the Dragon Fist. That’s the move I’m using on you next time you try and tickle me, asshole.” I laughed.
“I love you.”
I turned my eyes back to Law as he hovered above me. “Do what?”
“I love you.”
My breath froze in my chest.
“Don’t freak out, Bumpkin. You don’t have to say it back. I just can’t keep it in any longer. I know you don’t want to talk about it or discuss our relationship. But I fell for you. I think I’ve loved you since the moment you opened that smart mouth of yours.” One side of his mouth tipped up into a smile, exposing one of those dimples I had a weakness for.
He leaned down, brushing his lips against mine. Once. Twice. The third time he lingered, and I kissed him back. This kiss was different from the thousands of
times we’d kissed before. We both poured a flood of emotions into one single physical act.
My mind was a broken record, skipping over the same thought. I couldn’t say it back unless I told him about the girls. There was just never a time where we talked about us. It never seemed like the right moment, or even necessary, because it was such a slow evolution. I couldn’t let this relationship get any deeper without telling him the truth. I was pretty sure I felt the same. I loved being with him. He was kind and sweet, considerate. Well, at least to me he was. He encouraged my independence, and in return, I lent him the control he craved. It was the perfect balance for us. Except there was this wide chasm of a secret between us that only I could see. When he broke away from the kiss, I racked my brain for the best way to broach this subject.
“How do you feel about kids?” I blurted.
His eyes widened and his whole body tensed against me. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”
“No,” I answered, trying to figure out how to take that particular reaction. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, my mind automatically compared him to Jared at that moment. Jared never freaked out at the mention of kids. I fought hard to punt kick that shit from my mind.
He visibly relaxed. “Good. I’m not sure I even want kids. I don’t care for them, but I’ve never really given it much thought. If we do have them, I want it to be years from now. Why do you ask?”
He doesn’t like kids. He doesn’t want them for a long time. The thoughts were running laps around my brain as I tried to think of what to say. I couldn’t tell him right now. I had to think this through.
“Oh, nothing really important… I was just thinking about taking a couple of months after graduation to work with local orphans through music lessons or classes. It’s not a big deal. I just figured since I had something in common with them, I’d like to give back.”
“What do you mean? You have something in common?”
“Yeah, I’m an orphan. Though technically, I never went into the system. My godparents helped me get emancipated.”
“Then where the fuck do you go every weekend? You’ve been disappearing every weekend for the past two years, turning down paying gigs and everything else. For what?” He shoved up off the couch and walked to the other side of the room. His hand went to the back of his neck. “Why didn’t I know, Laine?”