by Rebel Farris
I laughed. “Sorry, I’m not used to talking derby with people who don’t know all the lingo.”
“I got the gist. It’s good to hear your laugh again.”
He sounded sad, and something deep inside me felt stretched thin. I couldn’t do this with him. I loved Law, though I’d yet to tell him that. I didn’t even know if he was going to take me back or even talk to me, but I hoped. This conversation shook up the turmoil already bouncing around in my brain.
“I should let you go, Jared. It was nice talking to you. I’m glad I got to apologize.”
“Maddie, please—I didn’t expect this to happen. I thought maybe you might go on a few dates with other guys, but I didn’t think you would fall in love with someone else.”
“Jared, this isn’t a good idea. What’s done, is done. It’s in the past. We just need to let it go.”
“I’m getting out.”
“What?”
“My contract is up July of next year. I’m not going to reenlist. I’m coming back home.”
“That’s great.” I used my fake cheerful voice, but inside I was panicking. “We can talk about custody and visitation with the girls soon, then. I’m getting a place after graduation in May. I plan on moving them to Austin, here, with me.”
He could ask for custody, and I wouldn’t have enough money left for a lawyer after five years of college tuition.
“I’m not taking the girls away from you. I wanted us to be a family.”
“That’s not going to happen, Jared. It’s been over four years and not a single phone call or even a letter, an email, nothing. What did you think would come of that?”
“Fuck! I know. It was stupid. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t talk to you or see you without wanting you back. I would’ve asked you to give everything up to be with me. And I knew—I knew that would’ve made you miserable. So I stayed away. But you don’t know how many times I sat there with the phone in my hands, your number dialed, just staring at it. Just wanting to hear your voice. How many letters I wrote you and never sent—”
“I can’t. I can’t do this with you, Jared,” I said as tears broke loose and rolled down my face. “It’s too late. I gotta go.”
I hung up the phone and set it down beside me as sobs racked my body.
When the tears dried up, I knew I had to wash the plane smell off my body. I was disgusting. I got up from the bed and took two steps toward my desk to grab my shower tote. I halted in my tracks. There on the desk was a single red calla lily. It had to have been Nic, sneaking it in here for Jared. Jared’s the only person who’d ever given me red calla lilies. Nic did have my keys all week. I shook my head. I was going to have a talk with Nic about helping Jared in his misguided attempt to win me back.
Now
This is the point in my life where I realize that I’ve lulled myself into a false sense of security. Who could blame me, though? Four years of nothing is long enough to allow anyone to relax and start to believe that their life is normal. I should know better. My life has never been normal.
Though it takes a few minutes for the cop to put his car in gear and leave so we can back out of the little dirt driveway, the drive from the park is short. My house is close to Zilker Park, so it’s only a matter of minutes before we turn into my neighborhood.
As we turn on to my street, I realize something’s wrong. Cars are lined up on both sides of the road. News vans and personal vehicles are interspersed for about two-hundred feet on either side of my driveway. It’s not a foreign scene to me, but not one I ever expected to happen again. At least not while I wasn’t asking for it.
“What do you want to do?” Dex asks, slowing the car.
“Just keep driving,” I say, pulling the gate remote off the visor. “I’ll open the gate. Don’t look at them. Don’t respond to them. You ever been famous before?”
“No,” he answers.
“Well, you’re fixin’ to be. Is this going to hurt your career?”
“No. If anything it helps,” he says, not taking his eyes off the road. His brow is furrowed in concentration. “People are less suspicious of public personalities because they assume the media will dig up the dirt for them.”
“Well, I hope, for your sake, that file you showed me doesn’t end up in the wrong hands.”
“That file’s been easily accessible my whole life. It’s part of my cover, so I don’t care one way or another. You know that’s not who I am now.” He pauses, concentrating on navigating through the crowded street. “That’s more than I’ve ever had before. It means more than you know that I can be real with you, that I don’t have to feed you the lie, too.”
I can’t think of a response as we drive by the first cars on this side of my house. People are standing around mingling, but they look up and watch us pass. The second they recognize me, a shout rings out, and a flurry of activity starts.
Dex speeds up a bit but is forced to slow by people walking across the street. They hold cameras and microphones, lights and video cameras. Hands reach out and slap the car, trying to get our attention. Cameras flash and questions are shouted, both at Dex and me. I can’t understand everything that they’re saying, but I catch a few of the questions thrown our way.
“Laine, how do you feel about your cases being reopened?”
“Laine, is this your new boyfriend?”
“Are you worried that her stalker is back because of you?”
“Are you worried that she’ll kill you next?”
I keep my head down but glance up to see when we’re close enough to the gate to hit the opener. I sneak a look at Dex, but his face is blank as he looks ahead to see where he’s driving. There are still people between us and the gate, but I can see it now, so I hit the button to open it. Dex remains quiet through the shouts and banging on the car.
We drive through the gate, and no one attempts to sneak in. Dex pauses, watching the gate close in the rearview. One of the Tweedles is standing near the gate, looking menacing as it shuts.
“You can go to the garage now,” I say. “That one there looks like he’s got it handled.”
He doesn’t answer as he guides the car into the garage and cuts the engine. We sit there as the garage door shuts behind us.
“That’s how you live?” Dex asks.
“Well, it hasn’t been like that in a long time, but yeah.” I stare out the window, waiting for him to tell me that it’s too much. Something is running through his head right now, and I’ve this feeling I’m not going to like it.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“For what?”
“That…” He tips his head in the direction we came from. “Nobody should have to live with that on their doorstep.”
“It’s not your doing. It’s my own damn choices that got me here.”
“Stop that. This isn’t your fault. You have a talent, and I don’t think you could hide it if you wanted to. It was going to happen one way or another. Stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control. This is more about those cases than your music. You have to see that.”
“They were around before that, Dex. When it gets like this, people decide that every aspect of your life is their fucking business. Every person you know, conversations you have, places you visit. It’s all there for their entertainment. It’s a domino effect. One decision leads to an outcome that leads to another. I’ve no one to blame but myself.”
“I’ve seen the evidence.” His knuckles turn white from his grip on the steering wheel. “You didn’t kill him.”
“I’m not talking about it.” I throw open the car door and head toward the house, not paying attention to whether he’s behind me or not.
When I open the back door, I find Holly and Evan and the other Tweedle sitting at the kitchen counter, hunched over something. They all whip their heads in my direction.
“Thank fuck, you’re back,” Holly says as she rushes me. “We tried calling, but you wer
en’t answering your damn phone. The freak show out there arrived about an hour ago.” She wraps me in a hug.
“I thought y’all would be asleep,” I say. “I turned off my phone because we were busy.”
“We figured as much and, well, we weren’t worried so much about your safety, considering what set the hive to swarm,” Evan says with a smirk.
“And that is…” I prompt.
“This.” Evan motions me over to his side.
I stand behind Evan’s shoulder as he turns to his laptop. I can feel Dex behind me before his arms come around my waist, tugging me against him. Evan clicks on his browser, and the TMZ website pops up.
My stomach drops. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I never imagined I’d be back on this website, watching a video of myself ever again.
Evan clicks the Play button. Dex and I are in a dirt parking lot, and I already know what’s going to happen. Those stupid fucking college kids recognized me. They didn’t say anything when we were in that diner, but they certainly took the opportunity to get their payday, and they were fast about it.
Despite the warmth of Dex’s arms around me, cold blooms from within, spreading throughout my limbs. The numb, empty feeling settles into my bones. It’s such a familiar feeling that I find myself shocked that I didn’t realize that it had gone until this moment. How am I going to fix this so it doesn't harm the girls? What is the fallout on the company going to look like? So many things start racing through my brain.
I can’t do this again. I push Dex’s arms off me just as video-me is wrapping my legs around his waist. I turn and head to my room without a word. I can’t drag someone else into this bullshit with me. I want nothing more than to curl up on my bed and wake up from this nightmare. I start to shut the door behind me, but Dex is there in the doorway.
“Talk to me,” Dex says as he steps inside and closes the door behind him.
“I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m not—I won’t drag you or anyone else into this.” I pull back the blankets on my bed and rearrange the pillows. “You need to get out while you still can. There’s a room upstairs you can sleep in tonight. You don’t have to fight through that crap out there. Evan’ll show you which one. You can tell Martinez whatever you want. It doesn’t matter. But we’re not doing this.”
I can’t do anything more for the pillows. I need something. I reach over to my wrist and realize that I hadn’t put my rubber band on. I turn to the nightstand and grab it off the surface. Once it’s in place, I pull it out and let it snap. Tears build in my eyes at the death of hope. I search for something else to distract me.
“You done?” he asks.
“Yeah, that’s what I just said.”
“No. I meant, are you done trying to tell me what to do?” His tone is harsh, and it stops me in my tracks.
I turn to face him. His fists clench at his side. I’ve never seen him look this angry before, but his brow sits low, shadowing his eyes, and with that scar he looks menacing. My mouth dries up, and I don’t think I could speak even if I could think of words to say.
“In case it wasn’t clear to you. I signed on for this. Hell, even Audra signed on for this. It’s not just my choice. It’s also my job. Though if I hadn’t made it clear, let me make it now. This case was a means to an end. I made my choice, and that choice was you. I want you. And not just the pretty, happy parts. All of it.”
His hand runs through his hair. “I’m not going to walk away. I’m here, and the only thing that’s going to make me walk out that door is if you tell me that whatever you felt twenty minutes ago, in that car, is gone. But you’re not going to decide you know what’s best for me and push me away. That’s not how this works.”
“You don’t even know how this works. You think you know, but you only have half the story.”
“Yeah, I know. The redacted parts—”
“Sure, the redacted parts are part of it. Like I said, it’s a domino effect, and if you put yourself in line, you’re going to get knocked down. We all did, and the only reason I’m standing today is that I learned to pick myself back up. But not one fucking part of that was good or fun. I promise you that.”
“Come here,” he demands.
He’s standing still as stone, the air around him seeming to vibrate with tension like it’s radiating from him. His face is serious and angry, but I’m not scared of him. I don’t think Dex would ever hurt me.
I walk over to stand in front of him, and he wraps me in his arms, breathing a sigh. His body relaxes as he buries his face in my neck.
“I’m going to take the room upstairs tonight. I think you need some time to think this through. I’ve told you who I am and made it clear what I want. You just have to decide what you want.” He pulls back and looks me in the eyes. “But don’t think for a second that you can decide what’s best for me. You need to decide if you feel something for me because I’m convinced that you might be my forever girl. I’m willing to walk through fire to find out.”
His lips brush over mine gently. There’s a pressure building in my chest. I can’t explain it, but it’s there. I’m stunned into silence as my mind blanks.
“Good night,” he whispers, then turns and leaves the room.
Then
“Where are we going again?” Sloane asked from the passenger seat of my car. “Because it’s beginning to look like we’re lost.”
“Shit, I think she’s taking us this far from fuck all because she doesn’t want anyone to find our bodies,” Holly added.
“Really?” I asked. “For the last time, I’m taking you back to my hometown. It’s about fifteen more minutes. And I’m dragging your asses out here because I need you to meet some people. Now, will you shut the fuck up?” I grinned at them to soften my words and turned up the radio.
This was my best idea for how to break the news to my best friends that I was a mother. I’d hidden in my dorm since returning from Germany. Waiting until Sloane returned, I then abducted her. I needed her advice before I talked to Law. Holly was a necessity. We three had grown close since joining the derby team, and I knew if I only told Sloane, Holly would be hurt.
When we finally entered the city limits, my heart rate increased. I’d no idea how they were going to react. Our friendship had been built on the fact that we were in a similar place in life, but really, I’d been hiding the fact that I wasn’t like them at all. And time was running out. Soon enough, I’d be a full-time mother and a college grad, just in time for my twenty-first birthday.
“I’m warning you now that today is family day. Every Sunday we get together and barbecue, play games, and whatnot. My friend Nic and his family will be there. So will Evan’s parents. It gets a little—well, you’ll see.”
“I’m feeling a little nervous now that this comes with a warning. Do I need protective gear?” Sloane asked.
“No. Though, you do need to watch yourself with Nic. He’ll try to get in your pants. He’s harmless, but he’s got skills as a charmer.”
“I’m sure I can resist,” Sloane said dryly.
“Speaking of resisting. Have you talked to your brother?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she answered, sounding sad. “He’s not doing so well.”
He’s not doing well? “Did he tell you he broke up with me?”
“You guys were officially together at some point?” Sloane retorted.
“Shut up,” I grumped, but I knew I deserved it. I felt like I was finally seeing things clearly, and I’d been deluding myself. “I’m pretty sure I was the only one that didn’t think we were. Did he talk to you about what happened, though?”
“Not really. Wednesday, he asked if you’d called. Then yesterday, he asked if you were back yet. You know him, though, he doesn’t talk about his shit. You either. You two are so much alike it’s scary.”
She didn’t even know the half of it, I thought. “He told me he loved me the night I left.”
“And?” Sloane drew o
ut the word, not understanding the significance of what I was saying.
“For the first time,” I clarified.
“Holy shit! You guys have been together for over two years.” Sloane shook her head. “You two are like poster children for the emotionally unavailable.”
My hackles rose, but I forced myself to leave it. “The point is that, yeah, it took two years to get there, but I left the country right after. I didn’t have time to explain—”
“You’re gonna explain now, aren’t you?” Sloane interrupted.
“I’m working on it,” I sighed. “That’s why we’re going to Diana and John’s house.”
Holly finally chimed in. “Who are Diana and John?”
“Shh, we’ll get to that soon enough,” I chided. “One step at a time.”
We pulled into the driveway at the house. This was it. My stomach tied in knots. The girls always could hear the Charger coming down the road, so when they came bursting out the door to greet me, I wasn’t surprised. They were at the car door as soon as I swung it open, and they crashed on to my lap before I had a chance to get up.
“Mommy,” Cat said, throwing her arms around my neck. “I missed you.”
I laughed. “Hey, Runt, dramatic much? It hasn’t even been a full twenty-four hours since we got back from Germany.”
I looked over to Cora. Her eyes were wary as she took in the strangers sitting silently in the car with me. I tracked her eyes back to Holly, whose mouth was hanging open in shock.
“Sloane, Holly, I’d like you to meet Catherine and Coraline. My daughters.”
Cat climbed over me to the center of the bench seat in front of Sloane. “You’re Auntie Sloane. Mommy said you’d be pretty.” She reached over and twirled strands of Sloane’s dark brown hair in her fingers.
Sloane grabbed her and hugged her to her chest. “Oh, my God, can I keep her?” She looked at me smiling.
“They look just like you,” Holly said, awe tinging her voice.
“You’re pretty, too, Auntie Holly. Mommy told us about her bestest friends.”