When I was born (in the 1950s), fathers had limited experiences in touching or holding their children, especially when they were babies. For that reason, my father was uncertain and felt awkward about holding me. He left most of this up to my mother. Over the years, though, things have changed. As I became a father, I realized the importance of getting used to holding my daughters. I noticed that the more I did this, the more confident I felt about myself, and it soon became quite natural for me.
My father, even though he had become a grandfather, still carried with him that old script of feeling uncertain and awkward when he held a baby. As he got more used to it and he witnessed other men, especially his son, holding a baby though, it became second nature to him. He found it easier to pick Ailène up and hold her, and he frequently volunteered to do so.
My father’s initial approach to involving himself with a baby — whether it was me, or later when he was a grandfather — was a goal-oriented one. It was either to hold me up to the camera or to get the formula into my daughter. These were the tasks that needed to be achieved. He was not able to relax and enjoy the experiences of holding and feeding. For my father, it was a job had to be done, and that was all.
In the past, the father felt that he had an expected role to perform. Part of that role meant limited involvement. Fortunately, these attitudes have been changing in our society over the past several decades, and today’s fathers are able to be much more flexible.
The more you can be involved with your baby, the more competent and confident you feel as a father. It is okay to enjoy feeding times with your baby. It is not changing the diaper that matters, but your attitudes and feelings toward the changing. This is the state of the new fatherhood.
As men, we have been encouraged — and almost expected — to be stiff, to conform to rules, and to express no spontaneity. Societal expectations have been restrictive. As we enter fatherhood, it is easy to carry some of these values and expectations with us. Yet, within us we have the ability to be caring, nurturing persons to our children. It is difficult to lighten up, but we need to do so in order to enjoy just being with our children.
As a father, you have — or will have — your own way of involving yourself with your child. Explore that way, become comfortable with it, and allow it to be a natural part of your special relationship with your child.
FATHER AND MOTHER
My parents would sometimes hold hands in public or kiss each other in front of me, but these romantic actions were guarded, almost secretive. I had not thought about this until a romantic moment between my wife and I got our girls giggling.
It was a lovely fall day and as a family we were enjoying the time together walking through a large theme park. As it was the middle of the week, there was little crowd to contend with. Access to most shows and rides was very easy. Our daughters were much younger then, and we were having a wonderful time on our walk. Each turn in the path created new excitement as to what activity, ride, or cartoon character they might encounter. As they ran on ahead of us, my wife and I walked along holding hands. Suddenly Ailène turned around, looked at us, and tried to mask her smile. She quickly ran over to Alexandra and whispered something to her. Alexandra, likewise, looked at us and started to laugh. I asked them what it was that they found so amusing. They both said in teasing voices, “Daddy and Mommy are holding hands.”
At that moment I recalled my own parents holding hands and my reaction, as well as another time where both my daughters saw me kiss my wife prior to going to work. Again at that time they both giggled and I could hear another teasing comment.
What are your attitudes and feelings toward women? Do you support and respect the mother of your child? How do you exhibit emotions, express your feelings, and demonstrate your sensitivity toward her and with her?
My daughters are quite aware of the relationship between their mother and their father. How we interact with each other is observed by them, and they quickly pick up on even the smallest nuances. How a dad reacts to and treats a mom and vice versa imprints upon them how a man and a woman should relate. How a dad shows respect for other women and the way he treats them also leaves an imprint.
All of these observed experiences contribute to the type of partner they will become involved with in later life and how they will treat or be treated by other people. Remember, you are being watched.
THE FIRST TIME
I accompanied my daughter Ailène to preschool on her first day. It was a half-day, five-days-a-week program at the local Jewish Community Centre. She was three and a half years old at the time. As we entered the classroom, she quickly glanced around and immediately started to play with several of the other children. I told her I would be leaving and would be back at noon to pick her up. We gave each other a hug. She was very excited. Sitting at a small table, she hastily waved goodbye to me with a large wooden spoon. She was ready to play.
As I left the building where the school was located, I turned around. There against the outside wall were several mothers and another father huddled together. It was evident that we were all having trouble separating from our children that first morning.
When I went to pick her up at noon, she told me that she had had a lot of fun and asked if she would be going back there again tomorrow. I said yes. She then asked if I would stay with her. I said that it would be fun to play with her but I wouldn’t be able to stay. I would pick her up at noon as I did today.
That night at home Ailène was quite upset. It was difficult for her to understand that I would be taking her back to the school and leaving her there by herself with the other children.
The next morning it took her awhile to get going. On the drive to school, she was extremely quiet. Once we arrived at the school, she started to cry. She hung onto my hand, insisting that I stay. I told her that I would be back at noon again to pick her up. One of the teachers, sensing the difficulty we were both having, immediately came over. She gave my daughter a rather snug bear hug and pointed me toward the door. I made my exit. Within a day, Ailène had settled in to being at school and the rest is history.
Almost the same scenario happened with my other daughter, Alexandra, when she started going to school for the first time.
It was difficult for me to say goodbye, as I had been such a part of the daily activities of both of my daughters. Now there was actually some time when they were in their own place involved with something interesting to them. I was somewhere else. Like Ailène, Alexandra also had fun that first morning and then, realizing that I would not be staying with her the next day, became quite upset. However, Alexandra soon settled into the routine and had fun attending school like her sister had before her.
There are many other firsts that I recall in both my daughters’ lives. I am glad I was able to participate in or be there for them. One such incident was the first time I took Ailène to a birthday party and her outfit included her mother’s shoes. I remember how it felt saying goodbye to her as she went in to play with the other children. I once stayed with Alexandra at a birthday party she was invited to and watched her as she lined up at the buffet with the other children, plate in hand, selecting food for herself. This had been something that either her mother or I would have done for her in the past. Now she was doing it on her own.
There were so many other firsts, far too many to list, and I know that there were some that I missed. It would be impossible to attend them all. However, whether it was observing the first tooth, hearing the first word, helping with the first walk, swimming, riding a bike, shooting a basketball into the net, reading, or many, many other events, both Alexandra and Ailène were excited and proud to achieve these milestones and even prouder to share them with Mom and Dad.
I found that when both of my daughters were younger and growing quickly through many stages, they wanted me frequently involved in their lives. As they grew older, there were times when they did not want me there as much. They wanted to experience feelings of self-mastery and of being on
their own. However, in order to achieve such feelings, it was important for them to feel that I had been there in the first place. In a sense, I had helped provide them with a secure base that they could stand on. They each learned to internalize parts of our relationship, as well as a part of me. This would enable them to do more things for themselves. So in a strange way, even though I am not with them at certain times, there is a part of me that is inside each of them when they are on their own, and a part of each of them inside of me.
It is not reasonable to expect a father to be there all the time with his child. There are many firsts a father will miss. I found, however, that the more firsts I could experience, the better able I was to participate in my children’s development. This helped me to understand how they were growing and changing each day.
On numerous occasions when I was at work, I found myself thinking about my daughters and what they were doing. One time I suddenly realized that they were spending their lives in one place (such as school) and I was somewhere else (work). It is as necessary to be apart at times as it is to be together. However, I realize that I took those days for granted, especially when they started attending school full time. It has become easy to see that the days passed into weeks, and then into months, and suddenly the school year was over.
It was at that point that I made a conscious effort to at least consider spending one day every several months with my children in their classrooms at school, joining in with their activities. As Ailène reached a higher grade, I would assist the teacher in any way I could. Occasionally when I had time, I would volunteer to drive their classmates to various activities. To be able to do this, I would need to schedule the day I would be at the school well in advance and make sure I wrote it down in my planner. I felt that this was a way that I could remain balanced between family and work and look forward to those days when I could connect with my children in their own environment. However, it was not always possible to take time off work to be with my children. A great deal of planning and negotiating with my employer needed to be done well in advance.
To enjoy first times, a father needs to be there and to be involved. Joining in your children’s numerous activities provides a father with the opportunity to be involved in a first. The activities can be anything from going with them on a day trip at school, to helping them read a book, to driving them different places, to attending a concert with them, to a more planned activity like a family vacation.
THE GEEK MISSED
It’s a family tradition. Early every September, my wife Karen and I take our daughters Alexandra and Ailène to the local fair for a day. It is always a very busy time for the family with many engaging activities to participate in. We always have a lot of fun.
On our trip to the fair when the kids were six and thirteen, lots of children were carrying large plush animals around the midway area throughout the morning. Alexandra, my younger daughter, pointed these out to me and on a number of occasions asked if she would be able to get one of them. She thought I could simply buy one for her. However, I informed her that it would be necessary to win one of the midway games to get one. Alexandra didn’t fully comprehend this; she assumed that every time you played the game, you won a prize. Again I tried to describe to her the odds of winning and the whole principle of luck, but I quickly realized it was fruitless.
I asked Alexandra which sort of game she would like to try and eventually she picked one. As Alexandra, Ailène, and I approached the booth, it was apparent that the game she chose was not going to produce a sudden prize. The principle of the game was to throw a baseball at three little wooden pins. One had two chances to knock down all three pins and win a prize. After several prizes, one could trade up for one of the large plush animals that my daughter wanted.
I gave the attendant coupons, and he gave me the baseballs. I handed them to Alexandra; however, she was quite reluctant to throw them and asked if I would do so. On my first throw, I hit two pins, which fell over. On the second throw, I missed. Nothing. The attendant encouraged me to play again. However, I could tell this was going to be an expensive process and decided to stop. As we walked away from the booth, Alexandra started to sob and then cry incredibly loud. She almost reached the point of wailing. Other fair-goers were beginning to notice this distraught child, and Ailène was becoming uncomfortable. I stopped to talk to Alexandra to calm her down, but to no avail. Suddenly, Ailène said, “Keep it down. Can’t you see the geek missed?” This comment came from nowhere. It certainly did not help console Alexandra.
Eventually, we found another game where a prize was guaranteed every time. Alexandra participated in that game, won a prize, and immediately cheered up.
For most of her six years, Alexandra had experienced my being with her at all stages of her development. She had idolized me over the years and put me in the position that I could never disappoint her. Suddenly, I had let her down.
Ailène, on the other hand, had reached puberty. She was feeling the need to push me away, a necessary task. There were times when she needed to devalue both me and our relationship as part of the process of forming her own identity.
There at that busy fairground, I had two daughters experiencing two different stages of development, and I was caught in the crossfire. Alexandra still wanted me to be the father who was always there and involved with her, never letting her down. Ailène was feeling the need to begin to separate herself from me and to see me as being human and having flaws.
Ailène, as she has reached adolescence, is beginning to feel the need to flex her own muscles and explore her sense of independence from her parents. It is time to separate herself from me as her father, and she frequently describes how she feels embarrassed when I am around. She often calls me a “loser” in a teasing manner.
One night when I kissed Ailène at bedtime, I noticed that she took her hand and wiped off the side of her face. I asked her what she had done. She said, “the saliva in your mouth has been recycling for forty-eight years and must be acid-like.” But as I turned around and left the room, she ran over, gave me a hug and told me she loved me. I could feel the struggle she was experiencing now that she was developing into her own world while continuing to want to engage in a relationship with me. I’m sure that now she has secrets with her friends that she does not tell me, nor should she.
If a dad reaches the point of being over-idealized, then it is quite possible that a male that a daughter meets later on, especially in adolescence, and especially in an intimate relationship, will never match up to the daughter’s template of the perfect father.
Over time, as they grow, children move into and out of the mother–father–me triad that begins at birth. A sense of self begins to form. As the world expands to include others such as siblings, relatives, and friends, and children move toward becoming toddlers, a sense of individuality emerges. As they reach latency and then puberty, children begin to expand their network of friends and form new relationships for themselves. This intimacy expands and continues in relationships with others, and we see the closeness an adolescent boyfriend and girlfriend have. Eventually, the intimacy intensifies and the young adult begins to seek out a relationship with a partner, perhaps with a view to one day having children of their own with that person.
As children establish their own personhood, they need an involved, responsible father and mother as a secure base to stand on. Part of being there is knowing when not to be there. It hurts, but sometimes you have to let a child push you away.
Being an involved, responsible father also means that one needs to fall from grace. And that is okay.
The quality of the initial relationship of a father’s being there and being involved will have a strong effect on the type of partner the young adult will choose. Your child will look for aspects of the positive nurturing relationship he or she has had with you as father.
PICK YOUR RIDE
My wife Karen and I try to avoid roller coasters and other rides that spin upside-down or mov
e very fast. We do the same with extremely high Ferris wheels that leave a person with the feeling of dangling in mid-air. Karen will simply not get on them. If need be, I am able to tolerate these rides, but I find myself unable to relax and enjoy them as other people are able to do (or appear to be doing). I notice a similar feeling when I watch an IMAX movie that has a great deal of motion throughout it. Often I have to turn my head away or close my eyes.
What I found interesting was how Ailène experienced the same feelings as we did. When she was quite young, we would often select rides at the fair that were rather tame in nature and IMAX films that were similar to travel documentaries. She did not seem to complain and enjoyed this safer approach. As she became older, I encouraged her to go on some faster types of rides and even offered to accompany her. I could, however, sense her reluctance.
As Ailène reached her teen years, she became more willing to try these rides, especially when accompanied by her friends. Even though I had been on some of the rides, I believe she sensed that I was quite tense and unable to enjoy the experience. It was apparent that her friends encouraged her to experience the rides differently, which she found exciting and enjoyable.
As a teenager, Ailène has been able to pass this fun on to her sister. Alexandra, unlike Ailène when she was that age, will go on a number of these rides and boldly want to return and do it all over again. I do not mind participating with her, though I feel there is a limit to my endurance.
It came to a head when we visited Walt Disney World in Florida several years ago. Ailène was an adventuresome twelve-year-old interested in the scarier rides, and Alexandra was more than eager to accompany her. My wife and I, however, weren’t so sure about participating in their plans. Even though Ailène and Alexandra were willing to go on some rides together, I still felt that I wanted to join in the experience with them. It would not be much longer before Ailène would prefer the company of her friends over that of her father. Time was running out.
Dads Under Construction Page 6