He grunted as he pushed her onto his freshly made bed. “I need you, Ari,” he whispered into her neck. “Tell me you need me too.” He raised luminous eyes and stilled as he studied her. “Ari?” he asked, his fingers suddenly shaking as he stroked her tear-drenched cheeks. “I’d never mean to scare you.”
He pushed himself off her and moved to her side. He continued to run a soothing hand over her shoulder and arm, and watched her with confusion. “Forgive me. After last night I want you more than ever.” His gaze was tender and loving as he watched her attempt to compose herself. “I promised myself I wouldn’t jump on you like a ravening beast, and yet that’s exactly what I did.”
Her tears continued to pour, and he frowned. “Ari?” He brushed hair away from her forehead. “Talk to me.”
She sighed and leaned into his touch a moment, curling onto her side to move into his embrace. She froze when she realized what she was doing. She slid away from him and kept her gaze downcast.
He gripped her elbow, stalling her slow slide away from him and out of the bed. “Ari. Please don’t cry. Your tears, your pain devastates me.” He whispered on a broken breath, “I never meant to hurt you, my love.”
She raised her eyes to see his concerned gaze, his eyes shimmering in tears. “I can’t do this, Colin. Last night was … a mistake.” His hand on her arm tightened as though he’d been physically harmed and needed to hold on to an anchor to prevent losing his place in the world.
He scooted closer to her, raising his hands to cup her face. “How can you say that, Ari? Finally we were honest with each other.” He searched her gaze, his eyes roving desperately for some sign of hope. “You know how much I love you. I showed you how much I love you. Don’t do this!”
“That’s the problem, Colin,” she whispered, refusing to meet his gaze. “I don’t love you. I thought I did, but I was caught up in the moment, the novelty of what I was feeling. I never have loved you, and I never will.” She gasped as he gripped her face and forced her to look at him. She bit her lip at his incredulous stare. “I thought I felt more for you than I would a kind brother or cousin, but last night showed me I was mistaken.”
“Ari, I know I caused you pain, but that’s because it was your first time. Let me show you …”
She covered his mouth with both her hands, her fingers twitching as though they wanted to caress his cheeks and swipe at a tear that had fallen. “No, Colin. I desire nothing more from you than to be allowed to leave this bed and to make supper for the horde that will descend in a few hours.”
He released her, any joy in his eyes replaced by disdain. “Get out of my bed. Get out of my house. Go to Rissa’s. Have the gathering there. I don’t want you here. I never want you here again.”
“Colin, nothing has to change between us,” Araminta protested as she pushed herself upright.
“Everything has changed.” He glared at her before sitting with stooped shoulders and bowed head on his bed. “And nothing will make it right again.”
* * *
Clarissa heard the clattering of pots and pans in her kitchen and frowned. She looked to Geraldine to watch her siblings and poked her head into the kitchen. “Minta! What are you doing here? I thought we were to have the gathering at Colin’s.” She frowned when she saw Araminta’s shoulders shake.
She moved into the kitchen, the swinging door closing behind her. “Minta?” she whispered, touching her friend lightly on the shoulder. She put gentle pressure on Araminta so that she turned to face her. “Oh my,” she breathed as the tears poured down Araminta’s face at the sorrow she was unable to contain. “What happened?”
“Colin. … he … he … I didn’t want …” Her words came out in stuttered fragments. “And then, on his bed, … and he …” She could say no more, her words drowned out by her sobs.
Clarissa froze, her mind returning to a long-distant sitting room. A sunny room in late afternoon with a yellow settee and the overwhelming scent of bay rum. The terror and torment, the devastating hopelessness as she was overpowered. She shook her head to clear her mind of her memories and focused on Araminta. “Are you harmed?”
“I just want to forget,” Araminta cried, her tears soaking Clarissa’s shoulder.
“I promise you that things will get better. Gabriel and I will endeavor to keep you safe,” Clarissa soothed. She rocked Araminta in her arms until she calmed.
Araminta pushed away, flushing. “You are the last person I should complain to. You will always take Colin’s side.” At Colin’s name, a few tears poured out. “I should continue to work on dinner.”
“Minta, consider this dinner canceled. Go home.” Clarissa took a deep breath. “Do you want me to have the doctor called?”
Confusion clouded Araminta’s gaze, but she declined with a shake of her head.
“If you are certain, then go home and rest. I’ll be by to see you later.” She pulled Araminta into a tight embrace a moment before forcing herself to release her.
After Araminta had left and Gabriel returned home for the evening, Clarissa stormed over to Colin’s nearby house. Gabriel’s kiss goodbye with the whispered, “Guard your temper,” only added fuel to her anger. “Guard my temper,” she hissed. “As though he’ll ever understand …”
She burst through Colin’s unlocked door, slamming it shut behind her. Moving through the living and dining rooms, to the kitchen and back bedrooms, she paused to find him lying on his bed, a hand over his heart. He stared morosely at the ceiling. “How could you?” she shrieked. “How could you?” she asked again, her voice breaking.
Colin raised his head, studying his sister in confusion. “How could I not? It’s been coming for fifteen years, Rissa.” He took a deep breath. “She’s just scared now because she doesn’t know what to do with her feelings.”
“You saw how I suffered. You saw what it took me to get over … get over … and yet you …” She shook her head as tears poured out.
Colin frowned, his dull grief momentarily replaced by incredulity and then anger. “What?” He pushed himself up and faced his sister. “What do you think I did?” When she sputtered at him, he shook her shoulders. “Tell me.”
She pushed on his chest with both of her palms, propelling him back a step. “You forced her! How could you?”
An irate flush rose on his cheeks. “How could you ever imagine I would act in such a way?” He watched her with scorn masking his deep disappointment and hurt. “Why would you even think it?”
Clarissa’s chin rose in defiance. “Araminta was sobbing in my arms this afternoon, babbling incoherently about being forced into your bed. About only wanting to forget.” She glared at him. “Tell me that you didn’t touch her.”
“I can’t,” Colin rasped. “I did touch her. But I can swear she desired my touch.” He paled when Clarissa shied away from him when he attempted to clasp her hand. “Jesus. You don’t believe me. Me! Your brother who raced across the country with you so you wouldn’t have to bind yourself to that monster.” He took another step back from Clarissa. “I remember what you went through. I saw you suffer.” He closed his eyes a moment. “How can you, Rissa?”
The heartbreak in his voice caused Rissa to throw back her shoulders in defiance. “I saw Minta, Colin. She was devastated.” Her haunted gaze met his.
“Not every devastation is due to cruelty,” he snapped. “Think, Rissa. Do you truly believe I would do such a thing? Me, Colin?” At her persistent glare, he backed away from her until he bumped into a wall. “I can’t believe you.”
“Stay away from my house and my children,” she ordered.
Colin groaned and fell to sit on the edge of his bed as she spun and ran out of his house.
* * *
That evening, a soft light shone from the bedside table lamp, casting long shadows and a gentle glow on the room. Clarissa sat at her vanity, stroking her long chestnut-colored hair.
Gabriel sat in the window seat he had constructed a few years ago, his gaze speculative.
“What did you do?” When Clarissa started at his question, he sighed. “I know you did something, or you wouldn’t attempt to brush your hair a thousand times to avoid talking with me.”
“I fought with Colin.” She set down her brush and turned to face Gabriel. At his patient silence, she sighed. “And I acted a fool.”
Gabriel chuckled. “I was the fool to encourage you to hold your temper. Should have known it would only make you more irate.” He sobered. “Apologize tomorrow. He’ll forgive you.”
Clarissa shook her head. “I said unforgivable things. Made such horrid accusations.”
Gabriel frowned. “He knows you, Rissa. He’ll give you a hard time, but I know he won’t want to endanger his close relationship with you.” When she shook her head, her gaze filled with doubt, his brows furrowed. “What did you say?”
She flushed with embarrassment. “I accused him of forcing Araminta.” At Gabriel’s incredulous stare, she shrugged. “She cried incoherently in my arms, and all I could think of was that room. Of being overpowered by Cameron. Of having no choice.” She shuddered as she focused on Gabriel and allowed his loving gaze to ground her in the present. “I was irrational and terrified, and lashed out in fear.”
“That’s not something you falsely accuse a man of, Rissa,” Gabriel said, rubbing at his temple.
Clarissa swiped at her cheeks. “I know. And I know Colin didn’t hurt her. After I returned home, I thought through my conversation with Minta. She seemed confused that I’d think she needed a doctor.” She bent forward and covered her face with her hands, her hair sweeping down to brush against the floor. “Colin’s heartbroken. Araminta has broken with him, and now I’ve destroyed my relationship with my brother.”
“All in a matter of one day,” Gabriel breathed. “Make at least one thing right again. Talk with Colin, Rissa.”
* * *
Clarissa stood outside Colin’s door the next day and knocked. She knew he’d be home, as it was Sunday, but there was no answer. She tried the door, but it was locked. She sighed, pulling out her key but then frowned when her key no longer fit the lock. She banged on the front door. “Colin!”
When he didn’t answer, she leaned her head against the wood a moment before spinning to return home. Gabriel played with the children in the living room and would soon venture to a nearby park with them. She shook her head at his worried expression, and she saw him frown. “I need to speak with Araminta.” At his nod, she kissed him on his forehead and departed for downtown Missoula.
She crossed the bridge, with the large Clark Fork River separating downtown from her neighborhood. She glanced up, the peaks of the Rattlesnake Mountains visible over the haze of smog that clung to the city and hid the low-lying hills on this still day. The large brick Missoula Mercantile did a bustling business on the street corner of Front and Higgins. She nodded to acquaintances and smiled at patrons she recognized from the library. The streets were crowded with wagons, carts, streetcars and automobiles. When she reached Pine Street, she turned right and walked a few more blocks.
She knocked on Araminta’s door, attempting a confident smile when Araminta answered and motioned for her to enter. She wandered around, smiling at the small mementos. “I love your home, Minta. I’m sorry it’s taken me a year to finally visit you here.”
“Thank you. We’re always at your home, and you’re busy with the library and your children.” She stared at Clarissa for a long moment. “Why are you here? I don’t have long before I must meet Mr. Bouchard.”
Clarissa watched her closely for a long moment. “I’m surprised you are going to marry him.” When Araminta remained silent and studied Clarissa, she plopped onto a chair with a sigh. “I tried to speak with Colin today. I fear he’ll never forgive me.”
Araminta frowned with confusion. “Why wouldn’t he forgive you? You’ve never been at odds.”
Clarissa’s laugh lacked humor. “I’m afraid that’s where you are wrong. I accused him of hurting you, Minta. Of forcing you to be with him. When I calmed down from my rage and fear, I knew I’d been wrong. But, by then, it was too late.”
“What did he say when you spoke with him?” Araminta whispered, sinking onto a chair facing Clarissa.
“He said he’d never forced you.” She paused, seeing Araminta’s agreement with that statement. “He said you were afraid of how you feel and that you needed time to overcome your fear.” Clarissa rubbed at her head. “However, he’s changed his lock and won’t answer the door. I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to inform him I was wrong and that he’s not barred from my house.”
“You barred him from your house? From seeing the children?” Araminta’s eyes widened at that. She lowered her head a moment as she remained lost in thought. “I would appreciate it, if for my sake alone, if you’d ensure he’s not allowed at your house until I’m married.”
Clarissa gasped and shook her head. “You don’t know what you’re asking me to do. Being estranged from Colin for a day is too long. I can’t imagine a few months.”
Araminta swallowed. “I know what I ask. I ask that you grant me this boon after years of service to your family. I can’t see him. I can’t speak with him. If I know I can come and go from your house without the worry of running into him, I can continue to work for you. If not, I’ll have to find another position.” She raised determined eyes to Clarissa. “I will marry Bartholomew Bouchard, and seeing Colin will only make things more difficult. For him. And for me.”
Clarissa sank against the back of the chair, deflated at the request. “I must discuss this with Gabriel, as it also affects him.” She ran a hand over her hair. “Why were you with Colin when you knew you’d marry Mr. Bouchard? It makes no sense to me.”
Araminta rose, grabbing her purse. “Not everything in life must make sense. I will do what I have to.” She bit her lip and shook her head. “I must go. I’m sorry we can’t have a longer discussion.”
Clarissa rose, reaching out to grab Araminta’s hand before she could storm from her own home. “Minta, I will try to do what you ask.” Her eyes filled with tears. “With Savannah gone to Boston and now Colin lost to me, I don’t know what I’ll do.” She took a steadying breath and focused on Araminta. “But what worries me as well is why you’re acting like you are. You have the love of a good man in Colin. He’ll support you in anything and everything, something few women are fortunate to have. Why would you spurn him?”
Araminta wrenched her hand from Clarissa’s gentle hold and bolted for the door. “You’d never understand,” she said and burst through the door, leaving Clarissa behind in her living area.
After a few moments, Clarissa departed for home, lost in thought. When she arrived, she encouraged Geraldine, Myrtle and Billy to play outside in the fresh air. Little Colin was asleep upstairs for his afternoon nap. Gabriel watched her as she sat in quiet contemplation.
“What is it, love?” Gabriel murmured.
“Minta wanted me to promise that we’d not welcome Colin into our home until after her wedding to Mr. Bouchard.” She raised tormented eyes to Gabriel. “I don’t know how I can agree to her demand.”
Gabriel sighed, kicking out his legs in front of him. “We want Minta to feel comfortable here. If that is what she requests, I’m afraid we must honor it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t attempt to make peace with Colin before the wedding.”
“He changed the locks.” She shook her head. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
At her mystified expression he sighed. “You accused him of a horrible act, Rissa. He’s angry and hurt, like a wounded bear. You might want to wait a few days before you approach him again.”
* * *
Araminta sat at the dining room table next to Bartholomew as Mrs. Bouchard, Mrs. Vaughan, their spouses, children and friends gossiped over Sunday dinner. She smiled at Mrs. Bouchard, who beamed at her before passing her a bowl of roasted potatoes. After taking a few and passing the bowl to Bartholomew, she picked at the food on her
plate. It was underseasoned while the meat had been boiled to the point it was as tough as leather.
She flinched when Mrs. Vaughan spoke in a booming voice. “It’s appalling, reading about those who refuse to support the war effort. It’s bad enough there are those who don’t support food conservation. Can you imagine the stories we have to read every week about the cafés and restaurants who are in defiance of Meatless Tuesday and Wheatless Wednesday?” She shook her head. Her ensemble today was nearly fashionable, had in not been for the bright sheen on the turquoise fabric that caused any light to ricochet off it and blind those who beheld her.
“It makes one want to keep a list and to boycott those establishments,” Mrs. Bouchard said.
Araminta watched them with curiosity at their hypocrisy as she’d been at their homes and seen them in defiance of both suggestions in the past weeks. She looked around the table to see if anyone would remark on it and remained silent when she saw only nods of agreement.
“I should think they’d be brought in front of the council,” Bartholomew said. “Although it’s only a suggestion and not a formal ration rule.” He shook his head in disappointment. “It’s unfortunate they’re only intent on prosecuting those who are guilty of sedition. Many more are just as guilty.”
Araminta choked on her small bite of food. “Those poor people have done little to earn such censure and convictions.” She tensed when Bartholomew frowned at her.
One of Bartholomew’s friends guffawed. “I imagine their neighbors are thankful they’ve been convicted.”
Araminta stilled as she watched his friend in horror. “No one would be so cruel as to accuse someone merely to gain their property.”
Abiding Love: Banished Saga, Book Eight Page 24