by Unknown
Selina came towards me having locked the car up. She dragged me roughly by the arm and marched me down the street.
“I saw that. That was not a nice thing to do,” she said, marching me straight into the nearest coffee shop.
“He called me a bitch!” I defended myself but I didn’t feel proud of my actions. At one time, I would have laughed the whole incident off and taken pleasure in the rude little man’s pain. I truly was becoming more compassionate. What a bummer!
“Go take a seat and I’ll bring you a drink. And please try not to get in to any trouble,” she said as she rolled her eyes and joined the queue. I walked desolately towards one of the vacant tables and took a seat.
Within minutes, Selina joined me carrying two of the largest hot chocolates I’d ever seen with my favourite mini marshmallows floating in the top. She handed one to me as she took a seat. My mood lifted as I took a sip of the sugary drink.
“So, what’s the story with you and the demon? Is he still tormenting you?” Selina asked.
I sighed. I wasn’t much in to the girly talk thing but I guess this was part and parcel of having friends.
“He’s being on his best behaviour at the moment but I’m not sure how long that’ll last. He’s waiting to see what my decision will be, pretty much like the rest of you.” I took a sip of my chocolate and sucked up a juicy pink marshmallow, froth coating my upper lip.
“So why is it so hard to make a decision?” Selina put her cup down and looked at me.
Before I knew it, I was pouring my heart out. It was as if the walls of the dam had come crumbling down and my mouth was working independently of my brain. I told her about worrying I’d never see my parents, worrying about losing who I was and becoming another person and finally, and probably more worrying, I told her about my attraction to not one but two men, one of whom was possibly only interested in tempting me to sin and the other I had absolutely no idea what he wanted. To top it all off, I now had to make a decision as to whether or not I should redeem my soul, please the angel and piss off the demon or vice versa. When I’d finished, I felt an immense sense of relief to finally get it all out there. Then I looked at Selina. She looked worried.
“Nats, everyone changes as they get older. If you don’t that means you’re not open to learning from your experiences and that would be such a waste. As for losing yourself; don't you think you’re actually finding out who you really are?”
I thought about what she said. But I knew who I was, right? I was a demon, I liked to cause pain and suffering, didn’t I?
She took a drink and then looked at me again, her lips now covered in the same foam. A part of me wanted to laugh but the other part was waiting eagerly to see what else she was going to say.
“As for Zerachiel and Abaddon, your decision shouldn’t take either one of them in to consideration. You should make your decision based on what you want. If either of them turns out to be the one then they will have to accept you for what you are. The rest is just geography.”
I smiled at her as the wisdom of her words washed over me. Now why hadn’t I thought of it that way? Then I laughed and she grimaced. I pointed to my lip and she wiped at her mouth with her hand and smiled back, realising I wasn’t laughing at what she’d said.
"I thought I was in love once" she said, smiling at me. "Turns out it was just indigestion."
"I wouldn't say I'm in love," I exclaimed. "More like a severe case of lust. Times two."
"Yeh, well, Zerachiel's pretty hot, I can understand the attraction."
"So who was the guy you weren't in love with then?" I asked her. Her eyes glazed over and I was beginning to doubt the depth of feeling she professed not to have.
"His name was John. I met him when I was in College. We meet at The Gosforth Park, where I did my first placement."
"Oh? He was a chef?" She looked at me with a question in her eyes and then huffed.
"No, he was a guest at the hotel. We had a whirlwind romance for a week."
"What happened?"
"His wife happened. We were in his hotel room getting hot and heavy when his phone rang. He took the call while he was still on top of me."
"You are fucking joking me! What did you do?"
"I pushed him off, got dressed and left.”
"That's it? You didn't kick him in the nuts? Cry? Tell his wife?"
Selina looked at me, a sad expression on her face. "That's not my style, Nat. I just left and never saw him again.”
"But Selina, what if he did it again with another woman? Wouldn't you want to know, if you were his wife?"
"I'm a firm believer in what goes round comes round, Nats. He'll get his come-uppance one day. At least my conscience is clean."
I sat back in my chair and looked at her. "Well, I'd have kicked him in the nuts. Or at the very least, dropped all of his clothes out of the window."
She laughed and leaned across to give me a hug. "That's why I love you, you loon!” At least she was smiling now.
“Come on,” I said, dragging her up and linking her arm as we exited the shop.
“You know for a short arse, you talk sense,” I said, smiling at her as we made our way back up Grey Street towards Eldon Square. It was time to shop.
We made our way up the escalator to the second floor and Selina started grilling me again about Zerachiel and Abaddon.
“So out of the two of them, which would you say had the cutest arse?” she asked, laughing at my shocked expression.
"I am so not answering that question!" I looked at her, astonished.
“I’ve never seen Abaddon so I wouldn’t know what his arse is like.” She replied. “But It’s a valid question. If I am going to counsel you in the right direction, I need to be sure I am basing it on accurate information,” she laughed.
“Oh yes, because that's the most important consideration when choosing a man,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Ahem, you do remember you’re supposed to be a….demon” she finished, whispering in my ear. She had a point. I was starting to sound a little too prissy for my own good!
“So who has the biggest…you know what!” she asked, almost bending double with laughter as my face turned pink.
“I really wouldn’t know, now would I?”
“Oh come on, you mean to tell me you haven’t even had a peak?” she asked.
As she spoke, my eyes caught sight of a young boy, his hands holding on to the top of the protective rail on the second floor and his feet pushing against the glass partition, the only thing between him and the ground floor about thirty feet below. I was pretty sure they were made of reinforced glass but it still had my heart in my mouth watching him. I looked about him as we ascended, trying to see where his parents were. A woman was standing three feet from him, talking to someone on her phone and completely oblivious to the danger her child was in. I realised it was the same woman who had walked by me on Grey Street and looked again at the child. Sure enough, it was the same little monster.
“Nats?” Selina said and I realised she’d been talking to me and I hadn’t responded. I took my eye off the child for a second and looked at her. She turned her head to where I’d been looking and screamed. I turned in time to see the child plummeting towards the ground and in a second I transported myself directly to where he would land, arms out and just in time to catch him before his head smashed off the floor. It took all of my strength and some to stop his momentum and convert it into sideways motion by spinning him around. The boy screamed in terror as I came to a stop, tears and snot streaming down his face. For a second, I didn’t know what to do and then something inside me took over and I pulled him in for a hug, rocking him back and forwards as I made my way back up the escalators. Selina was standing watching me from the top of the stairwell, her hands covering her mouth and her face as white as a sheet.
As I finally stepped off the escalator I looked over and the child’s mother was still deep in conversation.
I looked at the little bo
y, now whimpering and shaking in my arms.
“Hey little man, what’s your name?” I asked him. I pushed a calming emotion over him to help him to settle.
“Jake,” he replied as Selina came forward with a tissue and wiped the snot from his face. He couldn’t be more than five or six.
I handed the child to Selina.
“Jake…." she said “….I knew a pirate once called Jake! So what do you do for a living?” she asked him.
He giggled. “I go to school! I don’t go to work, silly!” I heard him reply.
I felt my eyes turning red and fought down the anger now welling inside me like a geyser as I marched towards the mother. Two older women were standing not far from her, their mouths agape and one of them stepped towards me.
“That was an amazing thing you did! That boy would be dead but for you!” she said.
The child’s mother heard her and turned to see what all the commotion was about, still not concerned about the whereabouts of her child.
I touched the older lady on the arm, sending her confusion. “I’m sorry, I don’t know where Anne Summers is but there’s a map at the bottom of the escalators.”
She looked at me, thoroughly confused. “Ah, yes, the map. Thank you.” She walked away and I turned to the mother to see that she still hadn’t realised her child was missing. I marched up to her.
“You had a child with you, didn’t you?”
She looked at me and realisation dawned. She spun round, searching frantically then turned to me, shock and fear etched in her face.
"Where is he?" she shouted.
“He fell over the railing” I said, maliciously. I wanted her to feel the pain of loss. I wanted her to realise how precious her child was and that he had almost been lost to her. I wasn't disappointed. Her face drained of colour. Without taking her eyes off me she screamed his name.
At that moment, Agnes materialised beside me. "Touch her," she demanded.
I looked at her in amazement. What was she doing here?
"Touch her," she demanded again, louder this time.
My arm came up and I grabbed the woman by the arm and as I did so, my mind was swamped with images. I realised I was seeing this stranger's life as a vision of her on her wedding day being swung round the dance floor in the arms of her new husband came to me. I watched as she broke the news of her pregnancy to him, his face lighting up with joy as he pulled her to him and held on to her as though she was the most precious thing in the world. I saw her at the train station, waving off her husband in full military uniform. I experienced her pain as two army sergeants stood at her door, informing her of the death of her soul mate as she bent double with shock and screamed his name. I stood beside her as she gave birth to her baby, alone. I felt her despair as she read a repossession letter and suffered her heartache as she closed the door on the home she had shared with her husband for the last time. I stood beside her with Jake in her arms, looking on in fear at the graffiti covered walls of the block of flats that were to become her new home.
As suddenly as the visions came to me they stopped and I came round looking in to her face as Selina rushed forward and handed Jake across to her. I looked around but Agnes had disappeared.
What the fuck was going on?
"Do you realise he could have been seriously hurt or worse?" Selina shouted at the woman as she hugged her child to her in relief, tears coursing down her face.
"Leave it Selina, we have to go now," I said, jumping in between them. Selina looked at me, confused and furious. I grabbed her by the arm and headed back for the escalators, dragging her with me.
"Do you want to explain to me exactly what’s going on?" Selina demanded as soon as I closed the door of Lauren's flat. I turned and walked in to the kitchen.
"Agnes!" I shouted.
Selina came in behind me, looking more confused than ever. I spun around, searching the room and shouted again.
"Agnes, show yourself, I know you're here!" I demanded.
Agnes materialised, sitting primly at the kitchen table, arms folded in front of her.
Selina came in behind me. "What the hell is going on?" she demanded.
"That's what I want to know, care to explain?" I asked Agnes, wrapping my ankle around a chair leg and pulling it to me, taking a seat. Selina joined us and Agnes pushed her spectacles up her nose, her face going slightly pink with embarrassment.
"I just gave you an opportunity to see that life isn't always black and white," she said, obscurely. "And to do a good deed. And you did, didn't you? You were faced with a choice and you choose to do a good thing," she looked at me.
"I don't understand, Agnes. Did you throw Jake over the side in the hope that I would save him?" I demanded, incredulous.
"Don't be bloody stupid, of course I didn't. Jake was going to fall over the side whether you were there or not. I had nothing to do with that."
"You just made sure I was there to save him?" I asked.
"Why?" Selina demanded.
Agnes blushed again. She turned to me. "Answer me one question. Tell me what you would have done to that woman, if you hadn't seen?"
"Seen what? What the hell is going on?" demanded Selina, still thoroughly perplexed. She wasn't the only one.
"I saw the woman's past," I said. "I saw what led her to neglect her son. She didn't do it because she didn't care. She did it because she cared too much.”
"Well that clears that one up!" said Selina throwing her hands in the air. "You're both bloody mad.” She stood up and made her way to the kettle.
It always amused me that humans took such comfort in doing ordinary things like making coffee when faced with situations that worried or confused them.
"So are you going to answer my question?" Agnes demanded. "Or should I tell you? You would have made her suffer the tortures of the damned, that's what you would have done. And on your judgement day, you would have seen what you've seen now and it would have been too late to change anything. You would have the stain of your decision on your soul, knowing you had caused more pain and suffering to one who had suffered enough. And shall I tell you what would have happened to Jake with no parents at all to care for him or should I leave that one to your imagination?"
I looked at her aghast and realised she was totally on the money.
"Why did you do it, Agnes?" I demanded, finally.
"Because you need to realise that good and bad things don't always happen because of a choice someone makes. Sometimes there isn't someone to blame. And you need to make a decision before there is no decision to make. The offer of redemption is open to you; you’ve now committed an act that will help you on the road to that.”
All she said translated into one word.
Meddling.
And taking away my decision and making it for me. I felt my eyes turning and before the red haze settled over me completely, I did what I do best. I ran away.
I found myself back by the river and took up what was fast becoming my usual seat.
I must have sat there for hours because when I looked up, the sky was fast turning dark. A seagull and a blackbird were having a battle some way in front of me and it made me think about Abaddon and Zerachiel. I didn't think either one of them would think I was worth fighting over at the moment. I felt like a coward. Don't get me wrong, in battle I was fearless. I could take on the biggest demons, hell I'd even stood up to Satan. It wasn't physical pain or even death I feared. It was feeling and I was quickly coming to realise that this fear of being attached, of caring, was what had brought me to where I was today. I hadn't formed any emotional attachments to anything or anyone in my entire life so far. Even Abaddon had been shocked to realise that and he was the scariest demon in Hell. If he could make friends in Hell then why couldn't I? Was there something wrong with me?
One little trip to Newcastle and I suddenly found myself with a whole bunch of nut jobs, alive and dead, that I would lay down my entire existence for. And what did I do when I finally woke up to that
? I considered leaving them all behind and returning to Hell. Luckily for me, Satan didn't want me back and now I realised why. Because I couldn't be truly evil if I didn't know what truly good was. If I couldn't empathise with my victims, I had no idea of the suffering I caused them. The problem was, now I was beginning to understand and I don't think I wanted to cause anyone to suffer who didn't deserve it and from my experiences today, I was beginning to doubt that anyone truly did.
I thought about little Jake and his mother. The old me wouldn't have hesitated to send her soul straight to Hell. I wouldn't have stopped for one second to consider the consequences of that but I'd seen enough souls in Hell whose childhood experiences had helped to put them there and realised it wouldn't have been a stretch to imagine Jake amongst them when his turn came. At least now he had one parent. Hopefully that would be enough.
I was angry with Agnes for interfering in my affairs. She had done this to me. But in my heart, I knew she had done it for the right reasons. Because she cared. And that was it, the decision was made.
I was going to seek redemption. But I was doing it for me and no one else.
When I arrived back at Lauren's the house was empty. I didn't know whether to be relieved or not but I knew I needed to speak to Agnes. I needed to know what I had to do and now that the decision was made, I didn't want to waste a second.
I closed my eyes and called to her, knowing she would be waiting. When I opened my eyes again, it was to find Zerachiel standing before me, his eyes filled with compassion. Yuk.
"So you finally decided?" he asked, not moving a muscle.
"You know or you wouldn't be here," I replied, taking a seat at the table and trying desperately not to gawk at his well-toned six pack. Or worse, lower my eyes to his loin cloth and imagine what lay beneath it. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have done my chances of redemption any good.